poppy Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 'I'll be having that now, thank you very much, sir,' said the police officer, relieving Upfillmypockets of the damning list. 'Can you accompany me now to the police station for further questioning . You do not have to say anything. But, it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence.' Marie meekly got into the police car, Upfillmypockets tumbled himself in amidst gales of hilarity but Green Tie ..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted June 19, 2015 Share Posted June 19, 2015 said he was appalled at the lack of consideration given to a true Englishman, one who would fight for England and would try his best to be an honest businessman. They threatened to handcuff him, so he shut up for a while. He was whisked away to the police. ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 station and they were all pushed into a small cell, with only one chair. They were informed they'd be questioned later when a police officer could spare the time. Peering through the bars of the cell, it didn't appear that the on duty constabulary were exactly hard-pressed in the work department. One had his feet up on his desk and was snoring away gently, and another two were engrossed in a game of poker. 'Excuse me,' called out Green Tie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted June 20, 2015 Share Posted June 20, 2015 (edited) "but I am English and thus,I require a cup of tea." "Officer Johnson is my name and I do not know where you are going to buy tea anytime soon brother", declared the officer, irritably Back in London, Fiona's phone rang. She was in the shower, but, diligent as ever, thinking that it was a victim of her new supermarket vouchers scam, rushed naked to the phone. "Fiona, it's Barbados police.Upfillmypockets has spilled the beans and you will be..." "I am naked, sir", she breathed, sounding like an asthmatic manatee after a sojourn on a deserted beach, " and I have very large.." "Save it woman, I am gay. Expect arrest and blame Upfill.." The door came crashing in, uniforms everywhere. It was all over. The game's up Mon ami, she thought. Six months later they ..Upfill, green tie and Fiona..were all jailed for ten years. Marie got a promotion with Scotland yard. Upfillmypockets is learning Arabic in Lagos jail, his plan to tap the Arab scam market on release. Green tie is learning dress sense and decorum in a London jail. He plans to rebrand himself as red tie on release. Fiona plans to kill Upfillmypockets on release. She also wants to seduce the prison warder she likes best. THE END. New story. Archibald the London pigeon sat atop a very tall lamp post, it rained.. Edited June 20, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Brilliant ending, Sean!! You had me spluttering in me coffee there Love what each of them intend to do on release ....so funny! Green Tie rebranding himself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 New story. Archibald the London pigeon sat atop a very tall lamp post, it rained.. it poured, thick fog hid him totally from view and icy cold drips trickled down his neck feathers. There was no chance of discarded sandwich crusts or MacDonald's fries today. Archibald was despondent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 Brilliant ending, Sean!! You had me spluttering in me coffee there Love what each of them intend to do on release ....so funny! Green Tie rebranding himself Thanks poppy!!Your contributions to this thread are fabulous, you are an excellent, humorous writer, who had me ROFL in that tale on many occasions. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted June 21, 2015 Share Posted June 21, 2015 (edited) it poured, thick fog hid him totally from view and icy cold drips trickled down his neck feathers. There was no chance of discarded sandwich crusts or MacDonald's fries today. Archibald was despondent.A solitary magpie flew below, looking upwards briefly, meandering soulfully on his way. Archibald wondered where his own family, that pigeon family he loved so dear, were. It had been days since he had nuzzled up to Gertrude, his pigeon girlfriend and mother of fourteen offspring.She was..... Edited June 21, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 not the most monogamous of creatures. Archie had his suspicions that not all his brood were actually fathered by him but he tried to turn a blind eye to her philandering ways. Now she was off again, without a word, probably dropped the kids at the mother-in-laws, but he didn't dare visit . The last time he'd turned up there ..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 (edited) ,a crow, a jackdaw, and Penny the pigeon, his mother in law, were all a sea of flapping wings, fluffing feathers, and excited squawking .Topic of cooing and clucking was the best place to emigrate to in winter, to escape the horrors of English weather. Beryl the jaunty jackdaw cried that Spain was .. Edited June 22, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 the place to be, all those beautiful senoritas with their pretty adornments, just right to decorate a jackdaws nest. Claudia, the crow, favoured Australia. She'd give those noisy kookaburras a run for their money and she'd heard it was quite warm over there. Penny the pigeon, however, wanted to go somewhere more civilised, preferably with a pool and baby sitting services. If she was going to be left with Gertrude's brood ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 (edited) she would be reduced to applying for a worm loan from Avian bank, run by a few hard nosed eagles with a ruthless reputation. "It's ok for them birds of prey", squawked Penny, " cos you know them eagles got cash. As for Gertrude and Archie, I am telling you they need to get a telly and stop germinating one another's eggs. Eating me out of house and home they are." Archie shivered at the thought of Penny. Such a . . Edited June 23, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted June 23, 2015 Share Posted June 23, 2015 brash bird. As much as he adored Gertrude, he feared the saying 'like mother, like daughter', would prove true. Gertrude, meantime, was off visiting her bit on the side, Percival, or 'Purse', as she like to call him. She was very generous with her favours to Purse and he in turn, was very generous in the opening of his wallet. He needed to be as Gertrude had often hinted, not too subtlety, about paternity suits and anger management problems Archie had. However, such were Gertie's charms ..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 that even Steven Seagull tried his luck. He had such glossy white and grey... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 toenails if which he was very proud and considered a real babe magnet. Gertie failed to see the attraction really, but he flashed around the cash, and that covered a multitude of shortcomings in her eyes. Another suitor for Gertie's undeniable charms was glossy Rodney Raven. A bit of a dark horse, so to speak, was our Rodney, there was a certain unsettling glint in his eye that Gertrude found ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 (edited) somewhat alluring. He was a dapper dresser, Goth style, black clothing,.... Edited June 25, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 multiple piercings and black rimmed beady eyes. Gertie and Rodney were indulging in a certain amount of dalliance outside Hortense Higglebottom's conservatory window where Hortense was partaking of her early morning cup of Earl Grey tea accompanied by two slices of thin buttered toast. The last thing Hortense .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 wanted was birds getting amorous outside her back door. And not even the same species. Well you know how it is, don't you, she thought. Even birds going inter racial now, never understood it, old Hortense. "Go away and let me eat my... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 petit dejeuner in peace! I don't know what the world's coming to when a law abiding, God-fearing, taxpaying, Daily Mail reader, has to put up with these sort of shenanigans right under her nose. It needs nipping in the bud and I've half a mind to .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted June 27, 2015 Share Posted June 27, 2015 ring the police. Inter racial birds trying to mate!! Next these types of birds will be bringing Chinese, black, and Indian birds into our England!! It has to stop. Ermentrude Rizla, 35, was traipsing past Hortense's back garden, and decided to listen to the old lady talking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 We need to start up a petition, that's what! Take a protest march to parliament! Picket! Strike!' Hortense had been something of a firebrand in her younger days, she'd even burned her bra which was rather unfortunate considering.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted June 28, 2015 Share Posted June 28, 2015 that she thought the protest was due to a desire for women to stop filling the coffers of manufacturers of unmentionable items of clothing. And it had a very unfortunate side effect one day in 1968 when, at a tea party in Streatham, Hortense received a lot of glances from young teens, delighted to detect that braless boobies had made an appearance in the locale. The shame of it, she mused now. And who is hovering behind that fence?, she wondered."Blast these wretched birds..Whatever happened to monogamy?", she intoned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Grabbing a bucket, she filled it with sludgy water from an outside barrel and tossed it in the general direction of the fence. An ungodly shriek came from Ermentrude and she charged out of the undergrowth draped in slime and what looked suspiciously like worms. 'Whatever are you doing, woman,' demanded Hortense, 'lurking and spying on me? I'll set the police on you, I will!" Ermentrude spluttered and coughed, spitting out .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 leaves, mud and the occasional worm. "Actually I spent time listening to you in your monologue, and wanted to see if I may help you as you were distressed", declared Ermentrude, crestfallen. Rodney the raven suddenly.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 felt the call of nature, and the results unfortunately landed in Hortense's cup of tea. 'That's the last straw!' shrieked Hortense, and she stormed off inside to get her shotgun. When Ermentrude saw what she was carrying, she buzzed off like a wounded warble fly. Of course, discharging firearms in a built up area was a strict no-no and ..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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