itsmeagain

chimpanzee trainer, shrimp teacher,

'that the benefits of rigidly adhered to Tai Chi, 4 times a week, with two seshes on each 3rd Sunday, shall assist me in counteracting the wear and tear of everyday life..?' The parson cautioned against Tai chi, ' one cannot trust the heathen nations, especially the Communists..only last week your dear son in law espoused a fearful mix of Stalinised Marxian economics, rehashed Sufi Islam, and Proudhonesque anarchism...I felt so aghast I reached for the Anadin immediately. Never mind. Give Jesus a try..' ' I am , dear parson, somewhat prone to giving Jesus a try.. as for that man, he's no son in law of mine. I will again ask the police to take action..I say, Vicar, you still have your handcuffs on..my neighbour Reg Bullblock, a personal trainer, sawed mine off..' 'Well you see it's a rather delicate scenario old bean..the Old Bill lost track of me.....

by Dave, in Surrey,

64 seconds, and eat...

the Major had accused Johnny Revolting of running a house of ill repute, however the Major was assumed , currently, to have taken leave of his senses. As a man of the cloth, asked Disorderly, what would Jesus do in the circumstances..?.. 'Let's look at it this way..I have been a parson for 30 years and I can justly report that the best course of action is to take a line of least resistance. Never let circumstances get you down..now..Disgusting is no criminal..Mr Disgusting ain't no criminal, that much is certain..as to whether Daddy Flowers is deranged, heaven only knows..tell you what ..I will go see him , wearing my spiritual compass round my neck, and I will ascertain for you how he's fairng these days..I ought not believe it should help but oh God,I do....' Disorderly, always happy to delegate police work to priests, assented. Following Tuesday, a knock at the Major's door at 2pm. 'Who the veritable blazes..at this damned , tarnation bound wreck of a time..??', asked Major Flowers..'Why...

be a selfish, egotistical, self absorbed, prat, and, were it not for an abiding , deep faith, in the ways , the works, of the Lord, he would claim benefits, drink beer, do cocaine, rip off all and sundry in business, and stand for parliament in the next election. However, the sheer dismal thought of having to spend time alongside the likes of BJ Johnson, Priti, and co, made him queasy. 'I am certain I read a piece where Michael Gove took a sandwich from a homeless man , as he felt hungry, when, in the eyes of the Lord, it is ' feast ye well O righteous poor Always welcome at God's door If you're not so poor, but rich Life is likely to be a bitch.' Which, to our dear parson, meant that people will say bad things to you and worse behind your back.Only the other day he had read about the abuse wealthy footballers get due to being high profile. Lost in reverie, God's divine plan became real, before his beady blue eyes, and so he failed to see...

myself, 'daddy', plus Rosie, ended up falling into an undignified heap on the floor, while the parson decided to make a run for it, his clanking chains being an object of scorn for several customers at a local Tesco store. ' Please assist me', said the parson, 'but I had a bit of a mishap involving handcuffs in a local fancy dress charity ball..and the result is, well, somewhat less than spiffing, definitely not ideal, and ..' ' So...you're not our real local vicar.. just a muppet who goes to bondage parties mid afternoon while mugs work for a living', declared Bill Puddled, 53, a bricklayer from Brixham, ' if I ever...

' honey puff'. 'Major Flowers I am arresting you for the kicking of a female's honey puff, contrary to section 53.865432.87654.09887 of the Criminal Injustice against the person act, 1987. Sub part 5.8.' 'Hold on Officer. As a member of the clergy , may I intervene on behalf of the esteemed, the Holy and entirely (dis]honourable Major, he's a veteran of the ban landmines in Eritrea caucus, the Give a Bit Back assault on Mmgrant poverty in Myanmar and South Euthanasia , the Pretend there's no Hunger in England 2002 award, presented by Charlotte the Charlatan Fitzhubert of the Micro...' 'Enough.....I ...

was marching me out , when in waltzed Parson Cross, who said ' I say, good man Disgusting, it's jolly bad luck, old bean, one does do one's ultimately futile best..at once possible yet so far away ..' The Major entered, clutching Rosie's arm. ' There he is ..that's the demon', wailed Mrs Abercrombie, pointing at the Major, ' do pray,desist in your wicked endeavour to imprisonment of a fine man, and arrest that old fart..he's never apologised yet for what occurred in 1988, August, in Scarborough..ask...

local charitable association, asking do we need cat litter? 🐈 You see, there's been a lorry of cat litter overturn on the M1, and a bunch of charity bods have got hold of a ton or so , and wonder...' In burst PC Mark Mywords and his colleague, Duncan Disorderly. ' You are under a vest', declared

I began to peruse the news . Local man jailed for fraud. Pensions will be lost if... Teresa gets her new job.. What's this.. Mrs Abercrombie, 78, was walking by said cattery when out came a rather abrupt man. Said man duly harangued her and demanded she phone the council immediately to have the cat cafe closed down. A shaken Mrs Abercrombie said' I don't mind cats,it's people like that old gent I can't stand. I wonder if he's suffering from a mental problem.' Police were alerted, anyone knows the gent, ring them... 'Rosie..your father...

in walked Parson Cross, jaunty and full of the joys of spring. 'Well well, Mr Disgusting...I hope all's well at this terrible time for the world..in sub Saharan Africa, illiterate people clamour for pens...have you any going spare..?...we are building a sun dial in Uganda, a zone named Mugunda. Can you see it within your remit,perchance, to review any charitable contribution and offer me the chance to build a tea shop in old style Saudi Arabia, beyond Jeddah..mmmmm..we have options for creative work galore, to grow more sorghum below Soweto, lentils in Lusaka, cornmeal in Caracas, the list is boundless dear man..I sincerely....

, you must drink your

that YOU, Johnny, can be more hands on. Help the new lads bequeathed to us by Parson Cross, and remember, Rome wasn't built in a week ..or something. All flapjacks now cost a fiver, no tea refills,not for pensioners nor anyone else

mugs of tea on

Well..that was [ almost] a piece of cake.

have your cake and eat it..?...not...

backwards, over a table,

how I said I loved Japan, well I do so..and you have looked after the kitties so well...we need to ensure the cattery is running 🏃‍♂️ efficiently, effectively, and in a co ordinated way...daddy is most annoyed but really to be Frank, I have endured so much rubbish from the old buffoon since when I was knee high to an ant, I am simply...

crockery bits all over..?...why such chaos..and who owns the dog..?. There's been a dog here..oh Johnny..do ensure no more major footprints from canines..it's ruined my chintz, also a dirndl skirt my mother gave me at Aunt Serena's 46th birthday...and another thing..what is all this about my daddy not being allowed a few shekels. Where.. oh where..is the cash?', she demanded, and I ...

bear with me, as

Black. Wonderful Life.

[Add only 4 words each time. Enjoy.] I have never done.....

get a nice cup of tea, and give the cats some nice filet of fish, all the way from Japan. Did you know sashimi is supposed to be good for a cat..?...

...oooh we had such a spiffing time..' ' Rosalyn, dear daughter of mine, get your coat and do a swift about move, walk swiftly..' ' Daddy....