itsmeagain Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 rather long nosed bird , peering myopically into a nest, her tiny babies thinking how odd she looked. Green tie must admit, though, he thought she was very sexy. She was really bossy, smelled of expensive perfume, and wore shiny black high heels. He made a mental note to try his luck at the London Scam agency Christmas party in 9 months time. "Are you telling me, Green tie, that you've returned to my office in this wet, filthy state and haven't even sold a single scam? Talk about useless, you useless idiot.You will go out tomorrow, in a brand new suit, brown tie, and you will sell three scams, earning me 3,000 pounds each. Otherwise don't return here." Green tie was transfixed, as his eye wandered to a very large spider, twirling gaily down on a silken string from the ceiling. To emphasise her allure to weakened men, Fiona wore low cut tops, her large firm breasts on show. Septimus seemed to be making a beeline, or a spiderline, for those boobs. Green Tie, who couldn't stop looking, was ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 mesmerised by the spiders slow descent. Fiona continued to tear strips off Green Tie while he just stood there gaping at where the spider was going to land. Sure enough, Septimus spider landed right in Fiona's ample and comely cleavage. Green Tie lurched forward and started swatting ineffectively at ...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted April 24, 2015 Share Posted April 24, 2015 (edited) the spider, and to his intense embarrassment, missed the spider and accidentally rubbed his hand against his manager's boobs. "How dare you!", she asked, and then screamed as the large arachnid twirled his way neatly onto her delightful chest. Green tie... Edited April 25, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 grabbed what he thought was a can of fly spray and directed a long blast into Fiona's décolletage. Unfortunately, his luck wasn't improving with the day and instead of fly spray, he had chosen .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 "Dennis's Sloppy Cream", a sweet, cheap, and nasty aerosol topping for cakes, lovingly squirted over Fiona's employees, by Fiona, as a reward for good work. It went all over Fiona, her hair, her face, making a general improvement in facial expression, since one couldn't espy a scowl, for once, on her countenance. Fiona ran at green Tie, who ran out the door, frantically imagining the morrow and his quest to net the old cow 9,000 pounds. "And if I don't manage it?",.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 It didn't bear thinking about. He remembered with a shudder some of his previous jobs. Armpit sniffer for a deodorant company, pet food taster, manure inspector and wasp sting guinea pig. He would endeavour to .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 devise a way to extract a lot of money from three unsuspecting customers tomorrow. For this he needed to do some internet research. He went home, had a shower, and switched on his laptop. The sound of the birds outside made a mellow impression on his senses. How to scam idiots, he read.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 three easy instalments of a very paltry sum. Sign up now and you will be well on your way to being a multi-millionaire in a matter of weeks.' Now this sounded promising, thought Green Tie. He filled in his details, including address, phone number, credit card details, pushed send and sat back contentedly. Things were looking up he felt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 (edited) Green tie slept, secure in the feeling that tomorrow he would show people what being a scammer is about. I mean, his latest inspiration was the idea of flogging non existent hoovers, it goes like this. Green tie smiles as the door opens, he offers pictures of really smart hoovers, asks for a payment..goes back to his Austin to "get the vacuum cleaner"..and drives off, cheque in hand. Next day he set off, and importuned upon a lady called Carmel Dickens, 32, in Bromsgrove. She was small with a brown ponytail. "Cosmetics, hoovers, you name it, we got it", his patter proceeded. "Ironing boards, toilet rolls. Hair grips, combs" he droned, effortlessly. "I don't buy crap at my own door from weedy salesmen in a green tie", she told Green tie. The door shut in his face. Suddenly he recalled Fiona saying he must wear a brown tie. "Clever lady my boss", he mused. I shall go spruce myself up, wont take three wags of a a Rottweiler's tail". He went home, rifling through cupboards, seeking a brown tie. His mobile rang. "Fiona here. What are you doing?" "I am looking.... Edited April 28, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 for a brown tie like you ....' But Fiona cut him off, 'I don't pay you to go home and get dressed half way through the day, now get your lazy butt down here! I need you for a new scam that's just come in. It involves hoovers. That smart new boy Nigel was telling me all about it. You take the money, say your just going to get one out of the car and then skedaddle. Why can't you come up with bright ideas like that?? Don't know what we pay you for, you useless twerp!' 'But, but ....' Fiona had hung up. Green Tie was absolutely ..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 (edited) flabbergasted. It was his idea, and before it came to fruition, some boy named Nigel comes and gets pats on the head from the boss, for using the very same scam!! "Ok I'll show them", he declared, setting off determinedly in his,Audi. Maud Getmeup, 76, was hoovering her lounge when a knock came on the door. Being a cautious soul, Mrs Getmeup yelled "Ahoy!!Who goes there!?Never open a door to strangers, identify yourself or forever hold your peace". Mystified, Green tie said "Hoovers for sale, best quality hoovers." Edited April 30, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 Mrs Getmeup opened the door a crack, leaving the chain on and peered round the edge. 'What kind of 'oovers?' ''Oover, I mean, Hoovermatic.' replied Green Tie. 'Well, I'm needing a new 'oover, this one's pathetic, won't pick up all the cat 'air no more. Bring one in and if it does me a good job, I might consider it.' 'Drats,' thought Green Tie, 'that's rather put the kibosh on Plan A.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted May 1, 2015 Share Posted May 1, 2015 "OK am just going to the warehouse to pick up our best new bargain." "Be quick about it lad,Mrs Kerbidge is coming round to play cribbage this afternoon and I do not want disturbing", cried Mrs Getmeup, slamming the door on Green tie's retreating frame. "Damn this life" , hissed Green tie as he entered his house to collect his 1 yr old Hoover, " now all I need do is to empty it, wipe off the stains and the old cow will swallow the story." Thirty minutes later he was shuffling self consciously round Mrs Getmeup's living room,hoover wiping up mud, cathair, and crisps. " Oh yeah, I likes me crisps", enthused Mrs Getmeup. "Well, are you happy with my Super hoover?" asked Green tie, anxiously. "Is it brand new?" came the icy question. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 Mrs Getmeup peered closely over the top of her glasses, 'This ain't new!! It's got scratches ....and what's this 'ere disgusting thing stuck up the pipe?' She pulled out a holey and very grubby old sock. 'That ain't mine! Get outta 'ere!' and with that she started walloping him round the head with the hosepipe. 'Think you can take advantage of a defenceless little old lady do ya? Well I'll show ya!!' The thought passed through Green Tie's mind that he'd never met a less defenceless little old lady as he .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 (edited) decided to strike a blow of his own, patting her arm meekly and imploring her " so that will be a no sale, please give me a tenner for the 50 minutes hoovering I did for you?" A teacup whizzed past his head, smashing upon an ornamental rock in the back garden, as Green Tie decided to call on someone else. A knock on his door alerted Colin Bourne,32, to Green Tie and his presence. "Yes?", mouthed Colin through the window, his grumpy face in a scowl. "Hoovers, I have Hoovers", cried Green tie, making miming motions on the step. "So what?" "Well do you want any ?" "Depends what it's like. Plenty dog hair in here." "Just ten pounds will get you a look at a brand new Swizzle vacuum deluxe, the best ever English hoover", declared Green tie. "Ok hurry up. Mr Kerbidge is coming round for a game of bagatelle at 2 o'clock." Green tie gulped. "Small world!!Back soon!!" Edited May 2, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted May 2, 2015 Share Posted May 2, 2015 'I 'aint payin' ten pounds for no look see, ya know!' yelled Colin after the retreating back of Green Tie. 'You'll have to 'oover up all me dog 'air 'n all!' Green Tie failed to hear and headed for the local warehouse to pick up a cheap cleaner in the hope of whacking on a huge mark up. Luckily for him they had the exact parallel import just in at a very reduced price. Thinking to make a quick buck elsewhere he grabbed a baker's dozen and confidently headed back to Colin's modest lodgings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 "Come in , show me the oover then mate", declared Colin, challengingly. Zoom zoom zoom went the hoover around the decrepit living room which stunk of stale tobacco and sweat. "Mmm gets rid of dog hair", said Colin, impressed. "Well that's 700 quid to you fine sir". "I'll pay you 300 today , rest on payday next Wednesday", said Colin. "Yeah ok. Gimme cash mate." Colin went searching for a long while in his back room, then appeared with 300 pounds. "See you Wednesday Mr Bourne." Rubbing his hands together after the sale of a70 quid banger for 300, going to rise to 700, Green tie was overjoyed. Time to celebrate... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted May 3, 2015 Share Posted May 3, 2015 ..... he turned down the grotty alleyway next to Colin's house, thinking it lead to the local hostelry. Bad move, Green Tie!! Little did he know that this was the hangout for ..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 (edited) the group of local lads called The Geezers. These lads meant business. They believed in support for West Ham, playing video games, and drinking cheap cider, which, due to them being under age, they had to plead with adults to fetch for them. Four lads spotted Green tie. Smelly Delly, 14, strode up to Green tie. "Mate, go fetch us a few beers n fags mate?" "Go yourself..are you under legal age?" Edited May 4, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted May 4, 2015 Share Posted May 4, 2015 'Yeah, mate we are, but there'd be somefink for you in it, like.' 'Like what?' asked the ever avaricious Green Tie. 'Like somefink. And there'd be somefink in it for you if you didn't too, you get me drift?' Green Tie didn't like the look of the knife Smelly Delly was casually cleaning his fingernails with. 'Righto then lads, give us a tenner and it's a deal.' The four ruffians crowded round Green Tie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted May 5, 2015 Share Posted May 5, 2015 (edited) "Twenty quid. And with it you get us a lot of fags plus lager, please", intoned Nick Ne'erdowell, aged 16. "OK lads it will be my pleasure." He shot away from the reprobates, whizzed past the local shop..and kept walking. "Three hundred and twenty quid!!" His mobile rang. Fiona said".... Edited May 5, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 'Get your butt back here Tie! Time I had a down payment on some of your scams. Anything less than $500 (sorry, my 'puta doesn't have the pound sign ) and you needn't bother!' Green Tie decided .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted May 6, 2015 Share Posted May 6, 2015 (edited) to drive to see Fiona, and just as he got there, on the third floor, he saw Fiona hug Nigel, the young upstart scammer who he hated though he didn't know him. His mobile rang "Good morning sah!! May god himself bless you dis day, o!!" "Who is it?", enquired green tie, scanning his memory for heavily accented African English. "Sah, it is Laurence Upfillmypocket, sah, grateful for your interest.You kindly enquired about becoming one of de best scamma in UK". "Your phone is on speaker, Green tie, you idiot", said imperious Fiona, tetchily. Edited May 6, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 Green Tie turned his back on her and poked out his tongue, giving a rude gesture with his free hand. 'Upfillmypocket! Good man for getting back to me. My company would be VERY interested in hearing how to become better scammers, we could ALL do with some tips,' he said loudly, spinning round to stare hard at Fiona. However she was still otherwise occupied with Nigel, who she now had backed up hard against a wall while she proceeded to ..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted May 7, 2015 Share Posted May 7, 2015 (edited) kiss him lasciviously. Green tie was jealous, poor Nigel desperate to escape. "Sorry dear manager, but I do have a girlfriend!!" pleaded Nigel, pitifully. "Oh well, we can still show affection", declared Fiona, looking askance towards Green tie. "Sah, we have da name of your company as Fiona'Fools , is that correct? "Yes indeed" declared Green tie, "since we are just that..Fiona's fools. It is truly awful what we need to endure." "Never mind sah, things shall be improving soon.Give me da bank account details for yourself. Are you Mr Green tie by da way?" Edited May 7, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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