Continue the story.....

[poppy]

oh why are you always have to be getting us into these complicated and risky situations? I'm beginning to think ...'

'Never you fear, my love, I've got it all in hand! (which wasn't entirely true, but sitting in Frankee and Johnnie's bar I'd had a lightbulb moment). You see it's true I ordered all those burgers for the dear vicar, it was a thank you for his generous donation of all that cat litter ( blast his dastardly soul). And I was thinking of all those dear little boys, such a treat for them. But it's not my fault they caused food poisoning! And I'm certainly not paying for substandard goods. The health department need to take it up with The Greasy Spoon. As for Daddy, well...

 

[itsmeagain]

I feel its best he leaves well enough  alone...what a waste of our time..'

Offended, Rosie swept wistfully out of the living room, down the drive, out onto the street,carrying a purse, a bag, a comb....and who did she meet coming towards her, other than the vicar, dressed in vicar type clothes, with his hair gelled and standing up......

Edited May 8, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

like a rooster's comb.

'Goodness Vicar,' she giggled, 'you're a veritable lady magnet today, aren't you just!'

The Vicar blushed and simpered, 'Oooh you are such a tease. I'm looking for that hubby of yours, just the little matter of his generous donation of burgers for the less fortunates. Went down a treat!'

'But what about all the complaints of food poisoning, I've been so worried about it.'

'Weak constitutions, I'd say, I ate six and ...

 

[itsmeagain]

I feel OK.. indeed, were it not for social conventions and the diktat of our father Lord, one  would squeeze your ..ahem'.

Rightly shocked, Rosie  protested, but the vicar, looking inebriated,  kept on grinning and being a fool. 

Anyway, he received a slap from Rosie,which, if nothing else, will have brought to his mind the saying, ' no greater wrath have the a wild cat, than a female scorned'..or was it a female scone..?

Meantime, I was cooking spaghetti and the cats...

Edited May 10, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

were perched on the bench watching and waiting for any wayward, escaped spaghetto.

Rosie came in like a little thundercloud with bits of lightening escaping.

'The Vicar is drunk, Johnny! And he's been making very suggestive remarks! Do something!'

'Gladly, my love, I've been waiting for the chance.'

I marched up to him and ...

[itsmeagain]

said, 'vicar, I was reading 📚 a truly spiffing book by Reggie A. Theist, called 'Abolish God:why religion is wrong' and I wanted your..'

The reverend parson disappeared so fast it was almost like he'd been asked to do a day's work. 

' This is quite unacceptable ', mused the parson as he ran down Book Street, until he saw a sign asking for people...

Edited May 12, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

to volunteer at Johnny and Rosie's Cat Cafe. He was sure he could round up a few more ne'er-do-wells who needed gainful employment. However, that would have to wait. He was heading back to the vicarage to track down his hefty volume of 'Perspicacious Theological Apologist Debates the Existence of God vs Atheism' by Ino Imright.

Heaving it into his backpack, he trudged back to the cafe to ...

[itsmeagain]

confront my good self with his findings. 'It says in a book, God exists, Mr Decadent, and so..God exists..do look around you good man, and see the wealth and abundance of His signs..the bees,, the sun, the trees.  '

'Is death part of God's plan.. famine..war..or pestilence..and when are you helping me shift a ton of cat litter from the entrance?', I enquired, secretly laughing 😃 as my severe countenance  hid it expertly.

Edited May 14, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

'Perhaps we need to lay a complaint against the Trucking Shifty company. Their habit of dumping loads at people's doors is a little inconvenient. I suspect it may have had something to do with my parishioners getting dicky tummies.'

'You think?' One had to wonder how the man had graduated from theological college. 'Why don't you take it up with them? They may listen to a 'learned' scholar,' I said sarcastically. 

'Well ...' he actually blushed, 'that's very kind of you to say, but ...

 

[itsmeagain]

I do feel, kind sir, that all such matters..cat litter and burgers all, are down to you..me I am off to commune with..the dear Lord', and forth he sallied, out of the building, into a pile of wet cat litter that was about to avalanche, when Bert Biggins, rugby star, turned up and shielded the vicar with his garden sized back, saying,' a man if the Lord..Good Lord, thanks for allowing me to save Parson Cross this rainy day...'

Edited May 14, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

'Bless you my son,' said the vicar, '' 'For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence.' Psalm 91:3 ''

'Is he referring me to me as a foul deadly pestilence, now?' I demanded.

'It's not all about you, Disgusting!'

'REVOLTING! REVOLTING! How many times do I ...

[itsmeagain]

do I tell you, cleric,  I am Revolting.'

'Be that as it is, dear sir, I shall make suitable arrangements for the boys to remove the awful mess you allowed to get soaking  wet in the yard. You shalt be litter free, by Jove, at 6pm'.

Aggrieved, Parson cut a fierce figure, marching with gusto. 

An hour later, six burly lads, a shovel each, arrived, and began shovelling cat litter , with venom, into a red truck bearing the logo ' Scruffy cleaners..

Never seen greeners', it promised a clean , environmentally conscious garden scrub up for those of a discerning nature.  Soon...

[poppy]

our entrance door was clear again and the pavement pristine clean. 

'Well done boys, that deserves a pat on the ...' 

'back, a free meal and £10 each,'(converted into British currency for the majority 😁) added Rosie, giving me a hard stare, 'and you can stop making those ridiculous gobbling noises right now!'

'We're not ...

 

[itsmeagain]

moikin now noizis missis, an we are having 13 nots an our an not a flicking penny less..yer abandoned town ve parson wiz perrin fifteen quid an hour an not a single penny lower van vat', opined asquat black haired kidnapped Jimmy Joyful, 16,  full of thr joys of roof.

[poppy]

'I was addressing Johnny, boys, getting money out of him is like prising open an oyster. Any advance on £10 will have to be negotiated with him,' ...and she left me to it.

The boys, although still in their teens, were quite bulky and sizable, especially when they closed in and surrounded you. Anyone would feel intimidated. There was really one thing I could do ...

[itsmeagain]

and so I promised 14 quid each if they gave the garden a good old fashioned hosing, so, immediately,  the boys proceeded to hose the entire place. Only

Edited May 17, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

trouble was, they didn't think to close any windows or doors. I went off to the office to do a bit of paperwork which necessitated a pot of tea, a large mug and a packet of gingernut biscuits. I'd just started my fourth mug, barely time to relax ( the story of my life), when I noticed a puddle of water making its way under the closed and locked door(I don't like to be disturbed when I was hard at it).

The morons had flooded the whole floor.

'Right, that's it! ' I bellowed, ...

[itsmeagain]

'get gone, the .....'

But each lout had gone,taking Rosie's finest tuberoses and daffs with them, probably given to their slavering girlfriends tonight..so I 

[poppy]

immediately rang Pastor Cross to lay a long list of complaints against his obnoxious little pillocks.

"Good morrow, friend. I am presently out and about doing God's business. To paraphrase, 'For we are His workmanship, created for good works.' Ephesians 2:10.' Please leave a message after the beep."

I'd like to tell him where to stick his &*^% beep but unfortunately...

[itsmeagain]

I thought better of it......Rosie received a text from ' daddy' saying that he was in hospital for ' tests on my lungs' and asking why she never rang him an ambulance. 

Meanwhile Dingle the cat was eating the 

[poppy]

aspidistra plant, Rosie's pride and joy. I shooed him away and he moved onto gnawing on a table leg. It was starting to look worse for wear, I feared he'd gnaw right through and the whole thing would come crashing down on top of him. He really was a trial. I had a sudden brainstorm, 'Rosie, what Daddy needs is something to keep him company, take his mind off himself ... cheer him up no end.'

'What a lovely idea, what do you suggest, dear?'

'Well, I thought one of the cats. We've been so blessed with them, I think we should find it in our hearts to share the joy. Dingle would be an ideal companion for Daddy.'

'Well ... OK ... if you really think ...'

'I do! I do!' I enthused, 'I'll just ...

Edited May 20, 2024 by poppy

[itsmeagain]

put in motion the process.'

Sending Dingle round to daddy's abode, by express courier service, was happily met by daddy exclaiming, ' by Jove, another delightful feline courtesy of my dear son in law John Forbidden..how blessed am I', and at that, he stroked 

[poppy]

Dingle, who immediately bit him painfully on the thumb.  Dingle then took off up the Major's whatnot, sending valuable ornaments crashing to the floor, one Dresden shepherdess hitting Daddy on the head, knocking him clean out. Dingle remained perched precariously on top of the whatnot, yowling loudly.

Little Miss Horlicks, the Major's next door neighbour had heard the ruckus and came to investigate. A confirmed spinster, of indeterminate years, she loved cats. Ignoring the Major completely, who was moaning and groaning on the floor surrounded by broken crockery, she reached up ...

 

[itsmeagain]

and took poor Dingle in other arms, whisking him away to her own abode, where Dingle will this evening be spoon-fed clotted cream plus essence of re heated tuna, then pork scratchings as pudding.  He....

[poppy]

knew when he was onto a good thing and henceforth behaved impeccably, living a life of luxury and treated like an adored princeling. 

Meantime, the Major was awoken from his semi-conscious state by the incessant ringing of the phone.

'Hello Daddy, it's me,' said a cheerful voice, 'just ringing to see how our little Dingle is settling in. It really played on our heartstrings to part with him but we felt you ...