poppy Posted March 13 Share Posted March 13 at the ready for my next cup of tea. 'It will indeed be a pleasure!' gushed the worthy Parson Cross. 'Always happy to assist the constabulary and their fight against the rising tidal wave of crime. If you will just wait one moment ...' and he shot out the door and was soon back with around thirty boys. 'If I can just leave this lot with you, dear Mr Revolting, I will return to collect them forthwith.' My mouth was still hanging open in astonishment when he and the cops beat a hasty retreat. A more mottley assortment of pestilences I'd never seen! All chewing gum, slouching against walls, one had a slingshot and looked like he was about to take out some fellows eye and another was handing around cigarettes. 'Right you lot! ... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 14 Author Share Posted March 14 (edited) ....leave what you're doing, and listen. We are not here to mess about, you are all going to make a money contribution to the cats' welfare..and now..get emptying the litter trays.' Marching stridently towards the kettle, I sipped strong tea, while our motley crew of no goods worked hard, tidying, spraying furniture polish, washing cupboards, etc, so good was.... Edited March 14 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 15 Share Posted March 15 their work, that I decided to hire them. 'Well done lads! Would any of you be interested in after school and weekend work? I'll pay £4 an hour and tea breaks thrown in.' 'Getta grip, moite! The mini mum's £5.28 and we ain't working for nothing under £6. Yous seen how us works, we're worth it!' English proficiency was obviously not a necessity when it came to street savvy. I thought for a moment ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 15 Author Share Posted March 15 (edited) , I mean, Molly isn't so excellent and is on 11.44 per hour. ' Lads, am taking 8 of yeez on..11 notes an hr, evenings..write yeez names on this ya bit o paper, know am sayin bruvs?', I intoned, sounding like a streetwise bruv from London rather than a manager. An undignified scramble for pens ensued, during which Benjy Bent, 13, of Southall,apparently pushed Noah Cant, 12, from Ealing, who in turn spilled cold water on Cuddles the tuxedo tabby, and then Cuddles hissed at Puddles the tuxedo black n white, who spat at Buddle the orphan ginger , 🫚 who swiped at me, I then sent all the boys packing, 8 of them brandishing tenners as they departed. An hour or 4 later, Parson Cross, a veritable and true believer, rang the doorbell. ' Well, the Good and Most High, esteemed, privilege bestowing Light, saved me, Revolting...girl identified me, dear Lord, but oh..in thy beneficence I tust , and the police said she's a useless clown, we are gonna ensure Martin Thickhead, 43, from Edlingham, is getting stitched up for this, come what may. I say, how tidy it is..where are the delinque.....err boys?, he asked, taking out a cigar and a box of matches. Edited March 15 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 16 Share Posted March 16 I looked at him aghast. 'I didn't think vicars smoked cigars! Have you got a spare?' 'Certainly. It's a little hobby of mine, collecting fine Cuban cigars. After all, what was good enough for Winnie, is good enough for me. My favourite is the Montecristo, but the Trinidad Esmeralda comes very close in my humble opinion. It all depends on your tastes whether it be sweet, nutty, leathery, tangy, citrusy, floral, honeyed, spicy, woody, fruity ...' By this stage I was glazing over. I inexpertly lit the cigar, puffed in and out rapidly, inhaled deeply, and had a apoplectic coughing fit. Parson Cross thumped me on the back, which only made matters worse. 'You're supposed to cut the end, Mr Revolting!' he said, rather aggrieved, 'and you NEVER inhale!' I ground the nasty, smelly thing out in the dregs of my teacup. 'Well really!' spluttered the Parson, 'I mean to say ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 16 Author Share Posted March 16 ..one was merely attempting to help..were the boys any ..I say, you wouldn't possess a chocolate digestive or 8, old chap..? ..I.mean it's the work of the Lord, delivered free, free, by God's own hand, to all..however, a man of humble taste and opinions, like my good self, gains a taste for fine foods, cheap, of course, and one would never assume to....' Giving him plain biscuits , rich tea, deliberately hiding the chocolate, I wondered why..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 16 Share Posted March 16 I had to put up with so many pillocks. How I missed Rosie, she was so good with people, with her charming and winning ways she could convince the most truculent to co-operate and had boundless patience with sops like Cross. Admittedly, there were times when I felt she was a little over-friendly with young Lotharios and I'd had cause to have a few words, but generally I'm happy to be hard at it behind the scenes and leave the public relations to her. I wonder when she'll be home. 'Arr humm ... are you listening to me?' Pastor Cross had been wittering on apparently. 'Not particularly, I really must ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 17 Author Share Posted March 17 (edited) confess..my conversion to a multifaceted, full on combo of Communism, Islam, and anarchosyndicalism, was smooth,concise and true as an arrow..' The old parson ran so fast , it was like Matt Hancock hearing the word 'truth', indeed if.... Edited March 17 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 18 Share Posted March 18 he'd run any faster he'd have stood a good chance of beating Usain Bolt! I didn't expect to see him again but I hoped his charges would return, they'd got through a pile of work that had been falling on my stooped and overburdened shoulders. There was enough time now for me to take a break so I reclined my lazy boy, put my feet up and took forty winks. I was in the middle of a very pleasant dream where ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 20 Author Share Posted March 20 no work existed, people not dying of malnutrition in England, and cups of tea hung on palm trees in Sheffield. A knock on the window later, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 21 Share Posted March 21 and I nearly shot perpendicularly out of my La-Z-Boy. Fortunately, wisdom prevailed and I managed to remain seated. I didn't believe in wasting energy needlessly. 'What do you want?' I yelled, unable to make out who it was. I really must get one of the workers onto cleaning the windows. They were in a deplorable state. I couldn't be expected to do everything round here! 'Yoohoo!' a voice called ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 22 Author Share Posted March 22 , a male voice too. Feigning sleep, I saw a hooded shape foostering slyly by the window. It's not likely to be the gas man, thought I, musing quietly to avoid detection. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 25 Share Posted March 25 All was quiet after that, so I assumed he'd gone away. But then, in burst the hooded man. He was short and rotund and I was confident I could easily tackle him to the ground if necessary. After all, I was at the peak of physical fitness with the hectic schedule I maintained. He threw back the hood, swept aside his cape and I nearly fell over in surprise. It was the Major! 'Whatever are you doing here?! I thought you were in Japan! And where's Rosie??' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 25 Author Share Posted March 25 'Rosie is in Japan,in some place or other near Kyoto...what has your hooded presence here , to do with her absence? Why are you sneaking..' ' Now Ronnie ..don't ' 'Ronnie..? Have you been boozing, Mr Flowers? First you..' 'My name is not Ronnie, old bean,now...is her absence a case of libidinum sapphire impetigo,as it were..? ..a kind of preponderance for the fairer gender as one calls it these days..? If so,commiserations old chap but I always suspected, even as a young girl in Chesham, that she preferred female, er,company..now..the finances of this cattery..are you..?...' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 26 Share Posted March 26 I had absolutely no idea what he was warbling on about, silly old codger, I'm sure he's losing his marbles. 'Rosie rang last night and she's coming home tomorrow. She's missing me dreadfully, and the cats, of course, but I'm afraid she didn't mention you, Major.' 'Wouldn't, would she ... doesn't need to, what. Close telepathic bond, pater filiam foedere, and all that. Came here to discuss finances, old chap. When to expect some dividends from this little venture?' 'All in good time, Major. We're just about to ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 26 Author Share Posted March 26 inform you..you, you callused handed, red nosed, odd little old soak...' 'Oh ha ha ha..is that what you think..?..well I hyahby close.....' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 28 Share Posted March 28 he added incoherently, then pulling himself together, 'Young man, if you want to continue employment in this establishment, it would pay to keep a civil tongue in your head.' With that he turned heel and marched out, only stopping to ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 28 Author Share Posted March 28 wipe his hands on a teatowel, throwing it at me as he left. 'I don't care if I never see you again', I called from a side window, just as Mrs Abercrombie, 76, from Easthampton,ambled .... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 30 Share Posted March 30 by on her daily constitutional. She was accompanied by Honey Puff, a spoilt and overweight little dog. Honey Puff had an aversion to cats and also to men, especially ones who yelled. He leapt at the window, pulling the lead out of Mrs Abercrombie's hand and showing remarkable agility for one who was basically a butterball, took a chunk out of my jumper sleeve and then shot past me in pursuit of ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 30 Author Share Posted March 30 (edited) Feral, a black and white whose claim to fame had been scaring a police Alsatian during a raid on a Bahrainian takeaway in Hounslow in December last. 'Feral, Feral, do come back ', I said, while outside, Mrs Abercrombie was searching for her specs on the floor,her hands scraping through dust in search of the missing essential. 'I don't suppose one would be disposed in the kindest of manners, dear lady, to do me a favour..?..', said an elderly type with a monocle. 'I am Major Flowers, and this cattery type thingummy needs to.... Edited March 30 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 31 Share Posted March 31 buck up it's ideas and pull up it's socks. Leaving felines to wander at will and antagonise unsuspecting passers-by and their doggies is just not cricket, what! Let me assist in the retrieval of your spectacles and then we will rescue your little truant, only doing what comes naturally to the canine, don't you know!' Meanwhile, all hell had broken loose inside the cafe with Butterball and Feral ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 31 Author Share Posted March 31 (edited) chasing each other about,demolishing a china cup and saucer bought by Rosie's mother in 1987, and toppling over an expensive portmanteau ,inside of which ,I found, a series of scented, newly handwritten,letters, on yellow air mail parchment,and, picking one up,I read, 'Dear Rosa Do not be downhearted dearie. The only reason I cannot commit to you is the damned weather out here in deepest Okinawa. Oooh do I love sashimi and a glass of icy pina colada, and please come... Edited March 31 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 1 Share Posted April 1 visit me in California. Harry and I would love for you and Johnny to stay with us in our condo. We have great facilities, indoor heated pool and jacuzzi, 24hr bar and restaurant and even a ...' I put the letter aside for the time being, Rosie had an interesting assortment of friends and I would ask her about them when she got home, but for now I needed to sort out the ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted April 1 Author Share Posted April 1 mess within the kitchen, as Feral and Honey Puff together, had apparently tipped over one of our best 👌 piles of crockery, particularly her favourite creuset, and I Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 2 Share Posted April 2 knew there'd be hell to pay about that. I'd have to go shopping later. Firstly I needed to round up Feral and Honey Puff, bang their heads together and eject the fluffy little excrescence. Mrs Abercrombie was standing at the door, wringing her hands and repeating 'Oh dear, oh dear!' over and over. Major Flowers stood beside her and added to the chaos by shouting at me, 'Do something, damn you!' I finally managed to grab the mutt by his collar and dumped him in the old lady's arms. Feral was ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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