poppy Posted August 6 Share Posted August 6 'I could tell you were a connoisseur in that department. Let me give you a top up of this excellent wine and tell me more about yourself,' I encouraged, hoping if we could get him inebriated enough, he'd sign a cheque with no strings attached. 'Well, ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted August 6 Author Share Posted August 6 provided you're not about to insist on being there at the evening end, the denouemen, as it were, of all the cautious planning..the derobement of a surreal beauty... ' 'Top up for Bertie', said Rosie, opening his mouth and emptying a whole carafe in, ' now, your cheque..'. 'Oh yessss..here it is..name..your..pryshe', and at that, I held his wrist and guided it as he scrawled. '100,000 pounds' and signed it. Gleefully pouring another bottle down him, I put him in a taxi and made him pay for the journey home. 'Well that's one sad muppet out of the way', said Rosie, as the phone rang..it was Parson Cross, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted August 7 Share Posted August 7 'Just a quick phone call to let you know I'm on my way round with a new group of boys to do a spot of work experience. See you in a tick,' and he rang off. 'What the *beep*! The last interaction we had with the tosser, he dumped ten tons of cat litter on our doorstep and we couldn't get in for days!' 'It wasn't quite ten tons, Johnny, and the reason we couldn't get in was because you were too bone idle to move any of it.' 'Minor details, don't... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted August 8 Author Share Posted August 8 prevaricate. We are off to the bank.' Later, Parson Cross and 15 renegade teens tipped up, and , finding no one around, decided to stay until Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted August 9 Share Posted August 9 someone returned. Parson Cross immediately made himself comfy in MY office, put his feet up on MY desk and told the boys to make him a brew. 'See if you can't find a few biccies to go with it ... choccie ones. Ahhhh... how the other half live.' Meanwhile the boys decided the cats looked bored with being inside and let them all out. They immediately... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted August 9 Author Share Posted August 9 (edited) gallivanting into nearby gardens, down the street, into the corner shop. One trader, Frank Flogbadmeat, 54, a local butcher, happily entertained 14 cats, over half of the 26 released by the louts, to a succession of tasty treats slung casually into the backyard of his meat shop. ' Come on kitty come here', he said, and my oh my , did the kitties adore that. Meanwhile,, having deposited over 100k into the bank, we returned, but oh.... Edited August 9 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted August 10 Share Posted August 10 what an astounding sight met our unbelieving eyes. Not only were all the cats missing, a motley assortment of pimply youths were swarming all over the place, riffling through our cupboards, and strangest of all, Parson Cross ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted August 10 Author Share Posted August 10 , snoring, a bottle of Chateau de Grief Now, almost empty on my desk, his feet up on te desk ad though he were little Lord Fontleroy. 'Time to face the music', said Rosie, throwing a mug of ice water into the face of Parson Cross.' ' Wh ..wh .wha'ts..ohhhh..Mynoh my..well hellew dear comrades of God..most worshipful of days today. I. ' 'What are you doing breaking in here and allowing untamed, unwashed youths, free reign to wreck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted August 11 Share Posted August 11 unmitigated havoc and mayhem?!!' 'Jush doing you a flavour, love your invader the good booksh says... ' and his head lolled forward onto his chest and loud snores filled the room. Rosie grabbed a broom and poked him vigorously but the Parson just ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted August 12 Author Share Posted August 12 (edited) kept on snoring, mouth agog, flycatcher, alcohol laden saliva running onto his cassock. Videoing the episode as she was, I idly mused over the possibility Rosie was going to try blackmail on a man of the cloth. Being a man who upholds many vows, when it's highly convenient, I decided to see what occurred next..the prospect of many more quids means I can go to the Bahamas ASAP, against the frankly squalid, wretched, thought, of a tasselled nincompoop sloshed on the settee. But what of the reprobates? 'Lads come in for some lunch', I said, then, with twenty eager spotty faces before me, a glass of tepid tap water for sustenance, I laughed my head off and said, ' get the cats back..now', and at that, they ran off 🏃♂️ 🏃♀️ Edited August 12 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted August 13 Share Posted August 13 never to return. Except for one Clyde Piper. About twenty minutes later, in he wandered followed in single file by our moggies. We quickly counted them and all forty- three were present and correct. There were also about ten extras which he seemed to have picked up on the way. 'How on earth ...???' 'Cats just seem to like me,' Clyde shrugged. 'How would you like a job here?' Rosie and I asked in unison. 'Well ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted August 13 Author Share Posted August 13 (edited) ...I suffer...for sake of you mere mortals who are neurotypical..from autism, an entirely social , medicalised mumbo jumbo label designed specifically to harass, persecute, and generally mash up, the introverts who love books..by the way I speak 5 languages including Serbo Croat, Armenian, etc. No pay but I love a solid baked tatey daily with Flora atop the crest. Cats are my love of the life we....' 'Oh Clyde you are amazing. My man will you... Edited August 13 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted August 14 Share Posted August 14 start immediately?' I asked eagerly. 'And we'll certainly pay you!' added Rosie, 'With your credentials and the wonderful rapport you have with our kitties, to offer anything less than £700 would be an insult. And naturally we'll throw in the baked spud for free.' She gave him her most radiant smile. I stared at Rosie agog. '£700?! ... £700?!...of course you mean a month, don't you.' 'Don't be ridiculous, Johnny ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted August 15 Author Share Posted August 15 (edited) , ..you can surely see our Clyde piper, far from the veritable enfant terrible so adored by Cross..is a certain solution to all of our problems. 700 a week ..minimum ', and at that, she tipped a bucket of icy water over our snoring cleric, Edited August 16 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted August 16 Share Posted August 16 who came to with a start. He sat bolt upright, spluttered violently, gave a few convulsive shudders and then collapsed again wailing, 'Where am I? What have you done? You've gone and drowned me! My life is flashing before my eyes. I'm fading ...' There was only one thing to do. I did it ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted August 16 Author Share Posted August 16 Summoning a taxi, taking a twenty out of Parson's wallet; I carried Parson to the taxi, rolled him onto the back seat, and gave the taxi directions to the church; and off he went. Clyde was rushing about emptying cat litter trays, washing coverlets, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted August 17 Share Posted August 17 (edited) fluffing up cat beds, retrieving toys from under a variety of furniture, all the while accompanied by a clutter of cats trying to help. 'Right, everything seems to be under control, Rosie, I'm off to see if I can flog off a few more books.' 'That sounds like a good idea, Johnny, expenses are always going up and now Daddy has washed his hands of us and that damned Bertie cancelled his cheque, every bit helps.' But the book selling was only an excuse, what I really wanted to do ... Edited August 17 by poppy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted August 18 Author Share Posted August 18 was to go and see if I could go and persuade some old school mates of mine to help fund the cattery. So, that sleepy morning I descendedupon 4 Frog Beat Sands, Fulham, I rattled Anton Clark's doorknob as if it was the police rattling. It was just 9am. A sleepy bloke in pyjamas opened the door. ' Anton, long time no see. Looking for money me old.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted August 19 Share Posted August 19 but before I could get out 'me old mucker' he'd slammed the door in my face. I hammered on the door, 'Awww come on mate, for old times sake. Remember how we used to ...' A window opened upstairs and something wet and odiferous rained down accompanied by a shout of, '&^*# awf!' It's a sad state of affairs when you can't roll up to an old pal and sponge off him! I set off to try the second hopeful patron on my list. Hubert Hinkinbottom and I had been at school together where he'd acquired the nickname ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted August 21 Author Share Posted August 21 (edited) Hughie Blue, due to a propensity for foul language . Well , taking a chance, I rang his Linked In phone number. ' H...hello?', croaked an elderly sounding female voice.'Hello, may I speak to Hubert?', I asked. 'Francis..cum up will yer..eez asking for Ubers or summat..cum n deal with it ..' Further mumbles, then a military sounding, aggressive, 'Hello?' 'Is Hughie Bluey there' I asked. 'Listen weirdo..don't come here asking for porn stars, videos, or taxis. You ring my old mother asking for Ubers..' Well, on to my next one. Mark Smith , in Luton. Phoned him, and he was in a casino. I'd not spoken to the bloke in 40 years, so when.... Edited August 21 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted August 21 Share Posted August 21 he invited me to join him, I jumped at the chance. Renewing old acquaintances and whatnot, so important. I had the odd fiver in my pocket so I could always have a wee flutter at roulette, just to enter the spirit of things. Walking in I couldn't recognise Smithy anywhere so I asked a security bloke where he was. He looked me up and down and said 'Wats ya bizniss wiv da Twitch then?' He had a menacing look in his eye and a suspicious looking bulge in his pocket. I suspected ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted August 23 Author Share Posted August 23 nefarious activity, but, playing it cool, I said; sotto voce, ' well, in for a penny, in for a ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted August 25 Share Posted August 25 punch. S'alri bruv, the Twitch's me ol' mate, innit,' I said, trying to sound cool. He glared at me, 'Stay there!' I stayed, but took the opportunity to suss out the room. Over in one corner ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted August 25 Author Share Posted August 25 (edited) , a chair. By it, a desk. A bottle of cider was open on rge table. A slim, balding bloke walked in...' so vis iz oo wants Twitch..?...brav, we oint messing abaht rahnd ere..if you fink you're leaving eer tonite..forgerr it boy', he said, going to the filthy door and bolting it, .... Edited August 25 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted August 26 Share Posted August 26 I was beginning to feel a bit nervous. It didn't look like any donations for our worthy cause would be forthcoming from this quarter. I decided to tough it out, 'I ain't got no beef with you, bruv. Tell Twitch it's 'is old mate Johnny ... Johnny Revolting, we was loike this ( I crossed my fingers) back in the day!' Next minute, a door flew open and ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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