itsmeagain Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 (edited) Ermentrude rang the police. "An elderly lady is waving a firearm in Uppity Boulevard, Streatham", she declared, dismayed. "She even tried. . Edited June 30, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 drowning me in what can only be described as effluent!' 'Uppity Boulevard, you say? Good Lord!! Not that Hortense Higglebottom again is it??' The constable sighed, 'You better come and lay a formal complaint and I'll send a bobby round to have a word with her. Last time we sent the armed defenders squad, but that turned into a major public scandal. All the do-gooders claiming police brutality against little old defenceless ladies. Never met a more pugnacious old harridan in all my days. I'd love to ...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 punch her virginal, decrepit old lights out". Sergeant Max Bygones, 67, was stood listening to PC Martin Plod, 32, giving out his venomous tirade. Suddenly, PC Plod became syrupy, sentimental almost... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 'Of course, we can't do that, can we Sergeant Bygones!! We have butter her up, get the shotgun out of her trigger-happy little hands, bring her in for questioning, give her a nice cup of tea and a biccie and then ....LOCK THE OLD B**** UP!!' Sergeant Bygones grinned, 'Good luck with that!' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 Meanwhile Archibald wanted to listen to the news. He sought... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 out Hawkeye Henry, a bird of dubious parentage, but up with all the goss. Hawkeye was in his usual haunt, the top of Florrie Featherstone's Frolicking Floosies speakeasy. From his vantage point perched on the flashing neon sign, which had the advantage of keeping his bum warm, although it did have the tendency of emitting rather disturbing sparks from time to time, he could peruse the world going by. Just then, his beady eye spied .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted July 5, 2015 Share Posted July 5, 2015 (edited) Archibald flying serenely down through the greyish English sky. "I need to get a news update, good bird", declared Archibald, keenly. "I wish to know the latest nest prices for middle ranking, middle aged, bird couples..like me and Gertie." Edited July 5, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 'Weeeelllll .....I could do you a good deal on a nice little roost going in the square. Plenty of visitors dropping bacon butty crumbs and crisps. Nice view of the park and cathedral.' 'I've heard they're trying to evict us from there, something about not liking our guano or something? Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous?' 'You don't want to listen to those silly old rumours, Archie, been our haunt for generations, not likely to change now. No, trust me, it's a very sound investment! I wouldn't put you crook, now, would I?' 'How much are you asking then, H?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 (edited) Hawkeye replied that for 4 bags of suet birdfeed, 4 apples and a sackful of worms, the place was,Archie and Gertie's very own. Edited July 6, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 'Well worms 'ave been pretty scarce on the ground of late H, how about some nice slugs from Vinnie's Vegetable Emporium, 'eard tell his lettuces are fair crawlin'!' 'Sounds fair enough, it's a deal!' 'I'll just go and find the goods and the missus and kids and we'll be moving in.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 (edited) Archie , having rounded up his seventeen offspring, was briefing them on the logistics of the forthcoming operation. "For me n your mam, let's go raid Vinnie's vegetable emporium.We do not, remember, want carrots , cabbage, or cauliflower, but you can get apples from local trees to pay Hawkeye Harry for our new gaff." His eldest daughter, known locally as Pouting Petunia, offered to smoch up to Hawkeye in order to smooth the way to their new home. Edited July 7, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 'You just keep your smooching to yourself young lady. We'll be having none of that carry on. 'e's old enough to be your father and twice as ugly!' Petunia pouted, her default facial expression, 'e's kinda rugged and suave, all at the same time.' 'Well, you can just put all thoughts of that sort of thing right out of your mind by going and chatting up young Bob at the pet shop. We need four bags of suet for 'awkeye and you better get a few more to help feed all your bloomin' brother and sisters. Use your charms and get a few of the other boys to help carry it home.' Petunia perked up and ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 put on her best pigeon make up. She always had liked young Bob at the pet shop. She flew about the shop, flirting with budgies, African greys, and French cockatiels too. Bob said "oh we have an interloper", at which Petunia went to sit on his head, cooing appreciatively. Then... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 Big Bert, the shop owner, came ambling in. ''ello, what 'ave we 'ere? A particularly fine specimen of Pouter Pigeon! Stick 'er in a cage will ya Bob. She'll fetch a pretty penny, she will!' 'But ....but ... but...' stuttered Bob. 'Just do as I say boy, and be quick about it. An' if ya see any more of 'er ilk, stick 'em in wiv 'er!' All pouting quite left Petunia, she was now positively .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 bereft. So much so that she dropped a blob of poop on Bert's head, and flew, disgusted, out of the shop. Another pigeon, known as Rancid Pete, went to ask Bob for four large blocks of suet. Bob actually fainted when it became apparent RancidPete could talk..so Pete flew off carrying a block of raisins and suet, hoping.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 he'd stay our for the count long enough for him to return for another beak-load. Petunia's three younger brothers now entered the shop. They'd been dawdling along, stopping for a game of 'bowl the partridge pea' on the way, and hadn't observed Petunia's lucky escape. Seeing Big Bert prone on the floor, they grabbed a suet bag each and .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted July 11, 2015 Share Posted July 11, 2015 left a complimentary pile of pigeon saliva and feathers, upon the floor. They Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted July 12, 2015 Share Posted July 12, 2015 zig-zagged their way back to their father, dropping suet bombs on unsuspecting pedestrians who looked up at the sky in bewilderment. 'Is that all you've got??' demanded Archie, looking into their depleted suet bags, 'Ol' Bert's getting right stingy in 'is old age! Now where's ya bloomin' mother got to?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 (edited) Gertrude was still with Rodney Raven, conversing amiably and with mirth , at the activity of Hortense. PC Plod arrived to... Edited July 13, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted July 13, 2015 Share Posted July 13, 2015 have a little chat about discharging firearms in public places with the intent to cause bodily harm. He hoped to coerce the old biddy down to the police station where he had every intent of locking her up and throwing away the key. If only clapping people in irons and stocks was still legal he thought wistfully. Preferable to gag them first, of course. ''e up, 'ere's a do!' chortled Rodders, 'ol 'ortense's in for a right bollocking!' 'Ooooooo eeeeee ....' cooed Gertie, snuggling up to Rodney. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 PC Plod spotted Hortense watering her.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 potted geraniums and cautiously approached. Just then, Archie and his brood of unruly children flew over, spotting mother and wife canoodling with Rodney. Archie dive bombed Rodney, and the kids set up a terrific rump as. Hortense let go a blast from her shotgun, causing a flurry of feathers but no ..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 dead pigeon. PC Plod radioed for assistance, as Hortense brandished a huge tree branch, scattering leaves far and wide. Rodney was by now quite scared, his... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 heart raced, his feathers quivered, his eyes rolled and he fell into a dead faint, feet skyward. Hortense picked him up by a clawed foot and dropped him unceremoniously into her wheelie bin, muttering, 'Dirty little beast!' This gave PC Plod a chance to sneak up behind, grab her arms, swiftly cuff her and then frog-march her to the police car. Back at the police station, he shoved her into a cell, accompanied by Hortense's loud cries of 'police brutality' and.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mirandashell Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 (edited) ...oooh you brute!' PC Plod rubbed his hands together in glee. Finally he had her! But then his face paled as he remembered.... Edited July 18, 2015 by mirandashell Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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