poppy Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 then Bart,' said PC Cobbledick, dragging his attention away from the brazen charms of Trixie and ducking punches, ' we don't want any trouble. Stop flailing your arms round like that or I'll have to cuff you.' 'Stand back,' yelled Trixie, shooting out of the car in a flurry of feather boa and high heels. She promptly sat on Bart, effectively pinning him to the ground and at the same time .....
itsmeagain Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 (edited) causing a stiffening inside a certain part of the trousers of three men, one of whom, the indefatigable Bart, could take no more and, ahem, surrendered, a whisper of joy escaping his drunken lips. "If that happens to a total stranger, I could teach you coppers a thing or two about pleasure!!" shrieked Trixie, fatuous in her delivery. "You are under a vest", declared Cobbledick, referring to her hands, under greasy Bart's sweaty vest.."..@nd you are also... Edited March 17, 2015 by itsmeagain
poppy Posted March 17, 2015 Posted March 17, 2015 under .....' but before he could finish, Chief Superintendent Bottlebrush turned up. ' 'Allo, 'allo, wat's going on 'ere then? Keep it seemly boys or I'll 'ave you all on a fizzer! Now you madam, remove yourself from that there personage, we'll have none of that carry on in public streets! That there's a criminal offense I'll 'ave you know. Come with me, this instance!' And with a lascivious look in his eye, he led her off.
itsmeagain Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 "Well that's that , ahem, littlmatted sorted out", declared Cobbledick, relieved. "PC Onduty, get him up and arrested!!" Bart struggled to stand, he was getting halfway to his,feet then collapsing down to the floor. "Do not destroy my shiny white police vehicle my man" , pleaded Dennis, earnest in demeanour."You keep sliding down....
poppy Posted March 18, 2015 Posted March 18, 2015 knocking your head and bleeding all over the place. How am I going to get the stains out now? Huh? Huh? I've just had it all car groomed and polished and what do you do ....???' he muttered away to himself about the injustices of the world. Luckily the ambulance arrived at this moment containing two husky looking fellows and with a one and a two and a heave-ho, they had Bart upright and frog marched into the back as quick as you could say .....
itsmeagain Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Jack Robinson, aged 54, was out one day in the countryside. He saw a quiet country....
poppy Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 churchyard and decided to explore. Pottering round the lichened gravestones, trying to decipher weathered names, he suddenly came across ..........
itsmeagain Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 Jack Robinson, lived about these parts, b 1754, d 1823. Jack wondered if there would be any...
poppy Posted March 19, 2015 Posted March 19, 2015 bacon and eggs for tea tonight, he fancied a good fry up. Depended on what sort of mood wifey was in, she had a tendency to ....
itsmeagain Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 offer tomato based dishes like tinned toms, baked toms with a pesto sauce, tomato pie, peanut lamb and tomato soufflé, etc. I need a steak he said, and listening, as he was wont to do, to the news on the radio, he heard that stakes in British.....
poppy Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 Airlines were high at the moment. He wondered if he could drop by there for a good feed, after all if they were advertising on the radio, he must be onto a .....
itsmeagain Posted March 20, 2015 Posted March 20, 2015 (edited) good thing. He went, cap in hand, to the Croydon office of the airline, where he asked for a good juicy steak..topped with mayonnaise and a garnish of lettuce. After all, being a discerning type , he had discerned the propensity that airlines had for making promises and subsequently reneging upon them , so Jack wished to ensure that when stakes were on offer, he got a steak..gratis, free, and on the house. Stella Cuthbertson, 31, waved airily towards him, to take a seat opposite her at theairline office. How can I help she enquired, devoid of interest. Edited March 20, 2015 by itsmeagain
poppy Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 'I hear you advertising steaks of high quality at the moment. I'm here to purchase.' "Yes,' she answered, 'we're offering good returns at the moment. How many would you like?' 'Well, just the one really, though I could possibly do with two.' She looked at him over the top of her spectacles with raised eyebrows. 'We do minimum parcels of five hundred, I'm afraid, sir.' 'I'm not looking for a parcel, I want to eat here!' Jack was getting a little terse,' You can't go advertising these specials then .....
itsmeagain Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 (edited) (Hahahahaha I love it poppy). .....reneggling on your stated agreement" , declared Jack, disheartened. "No our stakes are in batches of five hundred, I am sorry too that you cannot use the staff canteen to eat" , declared Stella, empathy and understanding free. "I'm off home , but you'll be hearing from my representative", said Jack, archly. Edited March 21, 2015 by itsmeagain
poppy Posted March 21, 2015 Posted March 21, 2015 He went off muttering about the proliferation of false advertising these days (although he didn't use the word 'proliferation', it was not a word he was familiar with and if anyone had asked him for the definition, he would have said it meant something like .....
itsmeagain Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 (edited) proliferated bowel.I mean , a few years ago we had a situation where Jack's aunt Maud had had a proliferation of the bowel. What a do that had been, thought Jack, ambling down the high street . Edited March 22, 2015 by itsmeagain
poppy Posted March 22, 2015 Posted March 22, 2015 Oh my yes, what a to-do indeed! Aunt Maud locked herself in the loo and had hysterics, neighbours rushed over to see what all the fuss was about, Uncle Fred tried to batter the door down. but he was just a little bloke and he ended up dislocating his shoulder, an ambulance was called, and the fire brigade. The door proved unbudgeable, as was Aunty, and in the end they had to ....
itsmeagain Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 use a crane to get them both out. Funny things, proliferations, aren't they? I mean just the other week there was a case in the paper where a man had found his wife doing...
poppy Posted March 23, 2015 Posted March 23, 2015 twerking practice in the front yard dressed in nothing but a very tight leotard. This certainly drew a proliferation of attention from the local male residents. It also lead to the proliferation of high blood pressure amongst the spectators, resulting in one Sydney Higginbottom having quite a nasty turn and having to be .....
itsmeagain Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 (edited) soaked in cold water by an onrushing ambulance man, the icy shock resulting in a return to his senses. Later that night, at home,Sydney decided he needs a wife. I am 38, he declared, self effacingly, and it's time to act now. He picked up the heavy yellow phonebook. Let me see..the London marriage bureau..married ? No? You will be!! ,declared the gaudy advert, a blonde with white teeth grinning at the camera. Edited March 24, 2015 by itsmeagain
poppy Posted March 24, 2015 Posted March 24, 2015 'Wow!' exclained Sydney, falling instantly in love, 'that's the girl for me, just look at those ....umm ...assets.' He immediately called the number listed. A warbly and rather quavery voice answered, 'Hello? How can I help you dear? This is Florrie here. Is that you Basil?'
itsmeagain Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 "No I am Sydney, as a matter of fact" , declared Sydney, huskily. "Are you ..sorry the line's bad dear, you are in Sydney, Australia are you?", asked the croaky, semi masculine, smoking damaged female drone of a voice.
poppy Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 'Never mind where I'm from, I want to marry your cover girl, the blond one, the one with the big ....ahhh humm .....eyes.' 'What's that you say dear? You want a hairy lover girl? Well we can arrange that, dear. We cater for all tastes here, blond you say of a big size? Well you just give me your name and number dear, and deposit $500 into this account and we'll get just the right bride for you. I've got one in mind already, Big Bertha's her name, been desperate for a man for ever so long. You can't go wrong.'
itsmeagain Posted March 25, 2015 Posted March 25, 2015 (edited) "Listen to me!!" , commanded Sydney, outraged. "What is a decent unemployable 38 year old bloke to do? I think she ought to be my support if you please, I have no money but a great big collection of cider bottles. If we... Edited March 25, 2015 by itsmeagain
poppy Posted March 26, 2015 Posted March 26, 2015 could find a recycling centre that pays for bottle returns, I'd probably be able to rustle up a down-payment. I'm a great believer in feminism and equal opportunities, so I'd be very supportive of a wife bringing home the bacon, as it were. I see no reason to change my present lifestyle. So when can you hook me up with Blondie, the cover girl?'
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