Continue the story.....

[poppy]

mankind, I don't think.'

Ignoring Rosie, the Major continued, 'Yes, your treatment of myself and my beloved daughter has been nothing short of deplorable. I have been nothing but supportive and helpful right from the beginning. One couldn't ask for a better father-in-law, which, thank the stars, I trust will never happen!'

I felt like tearing my hair out. In fact, gripping my head, I discovered great handfuls of the stuff were coming adrift.

'I'm going bald!' I wailed.

'Coo, you'll look like Jason Stratham! I LOVE Jason Stratham!  Do you think you could ...

[itsmeagain]

be..like  ...oh please be..like Statham, he of the Jason persuasion', intoned a sonorous female voice from direction, broom cupboard. 

'Identify...

Edited October 12, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

yourself!' demanded the Major, throwing the cupboard door open.

We all stared in amazement. Who should be lurking there but ...

[itsmeagain]

Mrs Mawkish, 43, a sheet splicer and woodcutter from Meath, whose interest in cats could rightly be flagged off as insincere, negligible as a pole dancer's vestments, possessing about as much integrity as a 21 pound note on a fifth Sunday in February, she was a total

 

[poppy]

non-starter.

'REGGIE-BABYKINS! Is that you?' she shrieked.

'Madgy? Madgy Mawkish? By joves, Madgy, you little ravishing smasher, you!'

They rushed into each others arms and engaged in some very noisy smooching.

'Disgusting! I can feel a relapse coming on,' I groaned.

Rosie hustled them out of the room and ...

[itsmeagain]

enjoined me to be ' charitable to daddy, so daddy may be , by return, charitable to one's own so good, self', she said, crunching on an apple as she perused the news on her iPhone. " Have you looked in the mirror?', she enquired, 

Edited October 14, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

looking everywhere except at me.

'No, have you got a mirror?' I asked.

'It's probably not a good idea yet,' Rosie pulled a Snickers bar out of her capacious handbag and started munching on that. 

'Why not? And have you brought anything for me to eat? All they've given me so far is some kind of gruel that even Oliver Twist wouldn't have requested seconds of.'

'It's probably not a good idea yet,' repeated Rosie.

I felt myself getting ...

[itsmeagain]

more suspicious of Clyde Piper, what a terrible influence he was on Rosie, the effervescent, pleasant Rosie, now under the

[poppy]

spell of some wannabe Pied Piper. I strongly suspected he was plotting to usurp my place in Rosie's heart, not to mention the affections of my beloved moggies. I bet he doctored the hair dye with some nasty chemical! When I voiced my concerns to Rosie, she said I was getting delirious and called the nurse. Sister Blister came at me with a syringe big enough to take a rhinoceros out.

'Where the hell are you aiming that?' I screeched.

'Just ...

[itsmeagain]

the upper outer quadrant, left deltoid of said left buttock..if you'll potentially stand up I can thence more easily zap you. If not ...'

I said I urgently needed a bog..ten minutes later I was ambling blithely down Saltpetre Boulevard when , in a cafe window, I read, ' masses of spuds baked to your specific demands.50p apiece." 

Seizing the time, in I....

Edited October 16, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

shot, and not a moment too soon. Who should saunter up but the Major and clinging possessively to his arm, the singularly unalluring Madge Mawkish! I bent down behind a table which unfortunately drew rather more attention from fellow patrons than  I would have liked. It may have had something to do with the fact I was only wearing a hospital gown, the kind that are open at the back, save for those pathetic little ties. Unbeknownst to me, the cafe manager saw fit to advise the local constabulary that ...

[itsmeagain]

there was a strange bloke exposing his worst area in a dressing gown taken from a mental institute.  One step ahead of the game, as usual, I asked my dear daddy in law Flowers, ' oh daddy may I borrow your shirt and trousers just for a wee while..after all, we

[poppy]

are closely related and I consider us kindred spirits.'

'Sir, you are nothing but a mountebank, a charlatan! Arrest this scoundrel! Clap him in irons!'

It was clear any previous fellow feeling between us had evaporated. To be honest, I had detested the old coot from the first but knowing he was rolling in it,  I'd tried flattery at times to get him to open his pockets. 

But now was not the time for reminiscing, now was the time for ...

[itsmeagain]

make myself scarce, so, into C and A went I, bought a tee shirt and trousers, and re entered the world a new bloke. I went down Gobstopper street, bought a bag of crisps and....

[poppy]

a tub of hummus. Catching sight of myself in a window, I got the fright of my life. Not only was I covered in red and purple splotches, but my black and white dyed hair had great clumps missing, making me look like a mange-ridden skunk. I had wondered why people were staring at me with alarm in their eyes and giving me a wide berth. Several children burst into tears and dogs slunk off, tails between legs. I shot back to C&A, grabbed a beanie and decided to ...

[itsmeagain]

make good by covering my bonce in a red and white striped beanie, it was all going well , some even admiring my Sam, Green eggs and ham (look it up, young hipsters..you have never lived) get up, as though Yves St Laurent himself was responsible for this 

[poppy]

piece of sartorial elegance. So I headed home and to keep up my flagging spirits (I'd been through quite an ordeal!) I loudly recited my very own Green Eggs and Ham version. 'And I would wear it in a boat, and I would wear it with a goat. I would wear it on a train and I would wear it in the rain. I would wear it in the house and I would wear it with a mouse. I would wear it here or there,  I would wear it ANYWHERE!'

'THERE HE IS!' someone shouted. 'GRAB HIM!' It sounded suspiciously like ...

[itsmeagain]

the general , daddy of my very own other 50 per cent, yes, Rosie to you; and yet, feeling melancholy due to having read a story from John Cheever whilst having a ........

[poppy]

rather up close and personal bedbath from a staff nurse who would have given Attila the Hun a run for her money. Things got worse when a member of the constabulary blocked my way and demanded my name.

Now I was well versed in the law having had previous contretemps with the 'thin blue line,' so I wasn't going to take this laying down. 

'Do you suspect me of a crime?' I demanded.

'Yes,' replied Constable Bertie E. Bluebottle.

This rather took the wind out of my sails. 

'And what trumped up crime are you accusing me of?'

'For starters, how about...

[itsmeagain]

the crime against decent humanity, presented by your hair sir..in a manner of speaking, it will give grave offence to humans that dislike badgers..furthermore....'

'Will it..I am so pleased officer", said I, darting past him and rushing to the closest hostelry, the Backscrubber and toilet Brush in Hackney.  I ordered a gallon of freezing cold kiwi and lemon, and guzzling a pint of it certainly 

[poppy]

went a long way to numbing the brain and making me forget my recent difficulties. After about ten minutes when my cerebrum began to thaw and the splitting headache eased, I decided it was probably time to head for home and ...

[itsmeagain]

see what the cats made of all the drama.

Well lo and behold, was that not Puddles Malone rapping on the door? I wondered if he was sozzled, but no sign of....

[poppy]

red-rimmed eyes, slurred speech or unsteady gait was apparent. However, that meant nothing where Puddles was concerned. He was renowned for his prodigious capacity for alcoholic beverages of any kind with little or no obvious effect. Why, I'd known him, in one sitting, to down ...

Edited November 2, 2024 by poppy

[itsmeagain]

14 pints of Tolkiens wee , Lincolnshire brew composed of salamander puke, French gin and Afghan vodka. Not only that, but Puddles loved icy beverages, so one day, in his sister's cupboard, he got Beechams lemsip, sugar, black chocolate and whiskey. Into a whisker he poured the potent slush, and by 11pm the whole street was rancid , boggle eyed drunk, so much so that Ira Green , 54, from Barrow, wrote to the Tinsel Star in disgust.

' I need to convey my abject horror at the carry on down Wormbum road last ...

Edited November 2, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

Thursday, 6th inst. Never in all my born days have I witnessed such disgraceful behaviour. Degenerates were being sick and doing unmentionable things into Mrs Arbottle's window boxes. Her coleus and asteraceae will never be the same again. Quentin Quigley from No. 27 was seen hanging upside down from St Abundus's steeple, an absolute desecration, particularly as he was wearing a kilt at the time.  And Councillor Halitosis was observed running up and down the street dressed only in a ...