Continue the story.....

[itsmeagain]

the plod were round, attempting to force me to pay some vile burger company 800 notes, due to some decrepit vicar do gooding it by sending burgers to eat at various social centres. Making me pay for it', I said, my indignant pause for effect having negligible  visible effect upon Smiffy and co. Understanding....

Edited September 10, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

unfortunately,  seemed to be lacking in my audience.

I continued, 'Then he had the audacity ...cheek and gall like, (I suspected I'd been using too complex words) to dump a ton or more of cat litter at my front door! We had to use the back door for days! It was most inconvenient and we lost heaps of customers, not to mention the cats deciding that was now their litter box!'

There were several muffled guffaws. 

'Where'd ya find diz bozzo?' asked Wilfie.

Thinking he was addressing me, I went on to describe the Vicar, 'Well ...

 

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...he brought a load of chav teens round one morning, rehabilitation he said. Give em something to do he said. Wretched chavs ended up costing me a small fortune in wages.It showed that even the thickest, roughest...

Edited September 12, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

louts aren't backwards in coming forwards when it comes to dosh.'

'So, yor a bit ofa soft sonofa*beep*, are ya?' asked Gunner Stone, 45½,  from Hackney.

'I wouldn't say that!' I said indignantly, 'why only last week I ...

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ran hell for leather, swiftly and masculinely away from a chav who swore and lunged at me as I perused clothes in the underpants aisles at Tesco. Week before, I whispered stop it to a beggar harassing an old man on Cheapskate Hill, devil

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-may-care, that's me.'

'Get 'im outta 'ere or we'll giv 'im a stompin'!'

A couple of the heavies threw me out and kicked me for good measure ...  just when I thought I was making such good progress. I limped to the nearest pay phone (my mobile had been smashed and rendered useless) and riffled through my pocket for loose change. I extracted four screws, a handful of whiskas fishy crunchy delights, a half-eaten hobnob, a steak knife, one chopstick but no ...

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cash.

A hobo type bloke, long hair, beard nesting a family of sparrows, said, ' 'avin' trabble moit? Wassap?'

'I need to make a call to my betrothed, my friend..would you help me with a few readies? Spondoolicks? Cash?'

'Now oi won't.. bat ere, ring er on vat', and I took his phone, dialled home, and heard 'Stripy Cat cafe, assistant manager at your service.'

It was our newest prodigy, [I forgot his name, Poppy..make his name up if you can't remember..the new, quirky, 'assistant '. ]

'Assistant manager my right iris..put my wife on now please, and make....

[poppy]

(I'd completely forgotten about the new assistant, let alone his name 🤣 But I checked back😁)

 

it snappy!' I barked. 

'She's not here right now, she popped out to do some sort of lady thing. She left me in charge,' said Clyde Piper.

'What do you mean, some kind of lady thing??!! Oh, never mind, look I'm stuck outside the Nail and Copper Pub. Can someone come and get me?'

'I don't drive and I don't know when Rosie will be back. Hang on, I'll ring the vicar and get him to pick you up.'

'NOOOOOOOO ....'

But too late ...

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...up strode Parson Cross, jumping from his car with ' I say old chap..my holy motto has and ever shall be..help those best able to help themselves, for they are the blessed of the globe.'

'Sounds about right', and with that I waltzed away into a waiting taxi. My jaunts hadn't 

Edited September 16, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

proved very successful, in fact all things considered, they were a bit of a disappointment. However, say lavvie, as my mother always used to remark, which I took to mean that things were always going down the gurgler or outdoor bog in our case. Growing up, we lacked any kind of mod cons. We walked barefoot to school, summer and winter, rain, hail and snow. Uphill both ways. But we were happy.

Arriving home, I discovered Rosie hadn't done anything more exotic than visit the hairdressers, but I wondered if a vivid shade of purple might have a rather ...

[itsmeagain]

perplexing effect, not a soporific one, on Boadicea and her brother Billyballs, two tabby and white tuxes adopted from a Cretan mother of quadruplets in Hertfordshire.  

'Whaddya think Johnny ...Clyde styled it, with amazing aplomb ,while Bella cut and dried it.. amazing!!', and, alarmingly, Clyde came out of our....

[poppy]

office sporting a fluorescent green bowl cut. 

'Darling, you look amazing,' I felt for the sake of harmony it best to appear complimentary, 'but I'm very concerned that you, Clyde, will completely alarm and unsettle the cats now.  I really think it best if you leave right ...'

But the cats proved me mistaken by surrounding Clyde with much purring and leg winding.

'Well, we can't stand around all day, work to be done, chop chop, Clyde.'

'Actually, Johnny,' said Rosie, 'we ...

[itsmeagain]

have a tiny bit of a major surprise for you. Bella and Frederick Blancmange, hairdo specialists from Leblanc, join me now in heralding this great event..Johnny Revolting having his hair done by Bella, in black and white, a la your favourite badgers of the field..'

'Correct', intoned Clyde effortlessly, ' indeed if you prefer stoat, rabbit, weasel, wolf or rat hair, oh my will I oblige..in fact my esteemed teacher, mentor, pain in  the rectum and guide, Soosoo Theloo, a socialite from...

[poppy]

Peckham, is a particular expert at what many mistakenly call 'vermin', but I prefer to think of as 'God's precious little creatures.'

'If you lot think I'm going to let these crackpots touch a single hair on my head, you've got another think coming! You can all just ...

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go home and leave...'

'Me alone? ..you see Johnny, Clyde Piper...'

'I am  related to the daddy of Pipers Crisps..'

'Is staying in our loft, where he shall renovate..now..hair,' and suddenly in came Bella LaFleur, 32, an esteemed 

Edited September 25, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

coiffeuse from The Lunatic Fringe. Unfortunately, nobody apprised me of the name before I was forcibly planted on a chair, wrapped in some kind of voluminous plastic cape and Bella came at me with scissors clacking. I tried to escape but Bella was a well-built lass, and one firm thrust from her hefty right arm had me re-seated with a painful thump. I looked appealingly towards Rosie hoping for help, but ...

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she accepted the diktat from Bella, 'Rosie darling remember what you agreed..he's having badger quiff in white with black, the black central stripes extending to his fringe, now steel yourself Johnny...', and at that, she

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shaved both sides of my head, and started plastering my head with noxious smelling dye and doing something unspeakable with tinfoil! 

'Don't tell me this is what women have to go through in the name of fashion. It stings like mad!' I exclaimed.

'Don't be such a baby, Johnny!' Rosie wasn't in the slightest bit sympathetic.

'But it's starting to itch like billy-ho!'

'Just another 40 minutes,' said Bella, 'here's a magazine to take your mind off yourself.'

They all left the room to stuff their faces with tea and cake, the selfish stinkers.

My head felt like it was on fire and I could feel my face swelling up like a puffball. I began to suspect that ...

 

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the godly  Clyde, was up to something rather insanely silly, yet my attempts to get away were 

[poppy]

hampered by my difficulty in breathing. Fortunately, Bella came back at this point to ask if I wanted a cuppa. Finding me gasping for breath and trying to tear my hair out by the roots she cried, 'Cor Blimey, I think he's had an allergic reaction! He's going into anaphylactic shock. Call 999!'

I don't remember anything else,  but apparently ...

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I was wailing something about the temporary,  impermanent nature of ourselves on the earthly plane, and wishing Boris a full recovery from Covid.

Fearing I had gone doolally, Rosie  began thinking about calling a Dr, but her newly acquired, teenage twerp appendage, Clyde, decided not 

[poppy]

wait and began CPR, adding insult to injury.

'Get ... this ... idiot ... off,' I gasped, coming round temporarily, 'feels ... like ... cardiac ... arrest!'

Bella, the only one keeping her head, had rung 999 and penetrating my existential crisis I could hear the wail of sirens.

'FIRE! FIRE!' I yelled, before passing out completely. 

The next thing I remember ...

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was a petite Chinese nurse cooing at me' hey Mister Revulsion , your name reminds me of a type of paint..in my house we use revulsion on our walls..would you like a biscuit?' 

Then a doctor with wild jet black hair and an ear ring, said his name is Hari..not Mata Hari..Hati'

AllI could see before me was sylph like indiduals dancing, bangles on their wrists, multi coloured skirts around voluptuous thighs, chanting Krishna Hare

Hare 

Rama

Krishna 

Krishna 

Hare

Ooooooommmmmm.

In my mind, I bowed and clapped as Hari said' it'll be OK in the morning, Herr Revolting ', and I laughed and slept. Later

[poppy]

when I woke, Rosie and her detestable, infernal hell-hound of a father were standing over the bed. Rosie was all sympathy and concern, but I'm sure Daddy was only there in the hope I'd conked it. He had a very disappointed look about him.

'What are you doing here, you old #@*&?' I demanded, glaring at Daddy.

'I drop everything, and I was involved in some very vital important research I might add, and rushed straight to your side, and this is how I'm treated?!'

'But Daddy,' said Rosie, 'you were only ...

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checking bolognese recipes because you have designs on Mrs Skawper at number 65, no revolutionary gift to 

Edited October 9, 2024 by itsmeagain