Continue the story.....

[itsmeagain]

...I suffer...for sake of you mere mortals who are neurotypical..from autism, an entirely social , medicalised mumbo jumbo label designed specifically to harass, persecute, and generally mash up, the introverts who love books..by the way I speak 5 languages including Serbo Croat, Armenian, etc. No pay but I love a  solid baked tatey daily with Flora atop the crest. Cats are my love of the life we....'

'Oh Clyde you are amazing. My man will you...

Edited August 13, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

start immediately?' I asked eagerly.

'And we'll certainly pay you!' added Rosie, 'With your credentials and the wonderful rapport you have with our kitties, to offer anything less than £700 would be an insult. And naturally we'll throw in the baked spud for free.' She gave him her most radiant smile.

I stared at Rosie agog. '£700?! ... £700?!...of course you mean a month, don't you.'

'Don't be ridiculous, Johnny ...

 

[itsmeagain]

, ..you can surely see our Clyde piper, far from the veritable enfant terrible so adored by Cross..is a certain solution to all of our problems. 700 a week ..minimum ', and at that, she tipped a  bucket of icy water over our snoring cleric, 

Edited August 16, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

who came to with a start. He sat bolt upright, spluttered violently, gave a few convulsive shudders and then collapsed again wailing, 'Where am I? What have you done? You've gone and drowned me! My life is flashing before my eyes. I'm fading ...'

There was only one thing to do. I did it ...

[itsmeagain]

Summoning a taxi, taking a twenty out of Parson's wallet; I carried Parson to the taxi, rolled him onto the back seat, and gave the taxi directions to the church; and off he went. 

Clyde was rushing about emptying cat litter trays, washing coverlets, 

 

[poppy]

fluffing up cat beds, retrieving toys from under a variety of furniture, all the while accompanied by a clutter of cats trying to help.

'Right, everything seems to be under control, Rosie, I'm off to see if I can flog off a few more books.'

'That sounds like a good idea, Johnny, expenses are always going up and now Daddy has washed his hands of us and that damned Bertie cancelled his cheque, every bit helps.'

But the book selling was only an excuse, what I really wanted to do ...

Edited August 17, 2024 by poppy

[itsmeagain]

was to go and see if I could go and persuade some old school mates of mine to help fund the cattery. So, that sleepy morning I descendedupon 4 Frog Beat Sands, Fulham, I rattled Anton Clark's doorknob as if it was the police rattling. It was just 9am. A sleepy bloke in pyjamas opened the door.

' Anton, long time no see. Looking for money me old....

[poppy]

but before I could get out 'me old mucker' he'd slammed the door in my face.

I hammered on the door, 'Awww come on mate, for old times sake. Remember how we used to ...'

A window opened upstairs and something wet and odiferous rained down accompanied by a shout of, '&^*# awf!'

It's a sad state of affairs when you can't roll up to an old pal and sponge off him!

I set off to try the second hopeful patron on my list.

Hubert Hinkinbottom and I had been at school together where he'd acquired the nickname ...

[itsmeagain]

Hughie Blue, due to a propensity for foul language .

Well , taking a chance, I rang his Linked In phone number.

' H...hello?', croaked an elderly sounding female voice.'Hello, may I speak to Hubert?', I asked.

'Francis..cum up will yer..eez asking for Ubers or summat..cum n deal with it ..'

Further mumbles, then a military sounding, aggressive, 'Hello?'

'Is Hughie Bluey there' I asked.

'Listen weirdo..don't come here asking for porn stars, videos, or taxis. You ring my old mother asking  for Ubers..'

Well, on to my next one.

Mark Smith , in Luton. Phoned him, and he was in a casino.

I'd not spoken to the bloke in 40 years, so when....

 

Edited August 21, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

he invited me to join him, I jumped at the chance. Renewing old acquaintances and whatnot, so important. I had the odd fiver in my pocket so I could always have a wee flutter at  roulette, just to enter the spirit of things. Walking in I couldn't recognise Smithy anywhere so I asked a security bloke where he was. He looked me up and down and said 'Wats ya bizniss wiv da Twitch then?' He had a menacing look in his eye and a suspicious looking bulge in his pocket.

I suspected ...

[itsmeagain]

nefarious activity, but, playing it cool, I said; sotto voce, ' well, in for a penny, in for a ...

[poppy]

punch. S'alri bruv, the Twitch's me ol' mate, innit,' I said, trying to sound cool.

He glared at me, 'Stay there!'

I stayed, but took the opportunity to suss out the room. Over in one corner ...

[itsmeagain]

, a chair. By it, a desk.

A bottle of cider was open on rge table.

A slim, balding bloke walked in...' so vis iz oo wants Twitch..?...brav, we oint messing abaht rahnd ere..if you fink you're leaving eer tonite..forgerr it boy', he said, going to the filthy door and bolting it, ....

Edited August 25, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

I was beginning to feel a bit nervous. It didn't look like any donations for our worthy cause would be forthcoming from this quarter. 

I decided to tough it out, 'I ain't got no beef with you, bruv. Tell Twitch it's 'is old mate Johnny ... Johnny Revolting, we was loike this ( I crossed my fingers) back in the day!'

Next minute, a door flew open and ...

[layla999]

.. Twitch burst in, his face a mask of fury. "Johnny Revolting? You're a bloody joke! You're the one who ratted me out to the coppers!" he shouted, his voice echoing off the walls.

 

Before I could respond, the balding bloke stepped forward and grabbed me by the collar. "Enough!" he growled, his eyes narrowing. "We've got a deal to settle here."

 

As Twitch lunged forward to attack me, the balding bloke intervened, pushing them both back. "Listen, you two," he said, his voice calm but firm. "We've got a problem to solve. Let's do this the civilized way."

 

He turned to me. "You owe Twitch a debt, Johnny. A big one. How do you propose to pay it off?" ...

[itsmeagain]

' Well.. I'll buy you all a pint..get well and truly steamed, and then all stagger to a waiting taxi. All's fair, both in love and war, as my erstwhile dad in law to be was saying three months ago...'

' Sod it..let's all go drink..' and at that, we all piled into Twitch's chauffeur driven Rolls. ' So, Mr Revolting' , said Twitch, peering 

[poppy]

at me myopically. He was very short-sighted and refused to wear glasses as he felt it ruined his image. He couldn't abide sticking a finger in his eye so contacts were out of the question.  As a result he spent a lot of his life mistaking people's identities. Unfortunately for me, this was not one of those times.

'what made you ...

[itsmeagain]

wan a..kinda.. loik.. seek me aaht? ..See fing is, me n veez lot ere ave ad it ap to veback teef wiv bizzy  body idiots troina be clever...get me?', he asked, chewing gum like some thirdrate two bit actor in one of the worst movies you ever saw.

'Not that it may bother you , but did you know, when you smile, the entire world smiles with you', I said, attempting to broaden the discussion and be positive.....perhaps...

Edited August 28, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

I could lighten the mood, get on the right side of Smithy aka Twitch and thereby escape unharmed.

He stared at me with a curiously menacing myopic glare. It didn't help that he also appeared to suffer from strabismus, and I wasn't sure which eye to focus on. I didn't remember him having this problem at school or in his teen years. Perhaps a knock on the head, which given his chosen career path, seemed a fairly likely scenario? I found his stare quite hypnotic, rather like a cobra about to strike.

'Oi dohn do 'appy, wats there to be bluddy 'appy about?'

'Well ...

[itsmeagain]

....each time you smile..andyour malevolent gleam in the eye is magnificent....pheromones are getting released into the cumulative society. When beetles nosh on flies, plants are saved...when someone handsome such as you, actually does some work, women swoon at your skill Smiffy...

[poppy]

'Shut yor face! You does nuthink but gab gab gab. Duz me 'ead in.'

So out of consideration for his cranial challenges, I buttoned it. We'd been travelling for quite some time in the opposite direction to the Noose and Gallows, the pub that had been mentioned as our destination, and I began to feel nervous. But I felt I'd better ...

[itsmeagain]

brighten things up, so , out came my phone, on came Amazon music. First up, Sorrow by David Bowie. 

' Wiv yer long blonde 'air n yer eyes of blue'...came the refrain repeated by the others in the car.

Soon passersby were looking amazed as 'something tells me you're the devil's daughter...sorrow' came from my phone, my several ugly companions joining in heartily.

A pub called The Nail and Copper, on Godbehere Lane, was beckoning, and

[poppy]

as we pulled in another Bowie song came on, Under Pressure, which seemed fitting.

Walking in ahead of the others (they insisted I go first, I think they suspected I might leg it, which had definitely crossed my mind) I began to feel apprehensive. The patrons were of the dodgy variety and the way they were eyeing me up sent a ...

[itsmeagain]

frisson of fear down my spine. 

'Hi Smiffy ve drinks are on me ', said Wilfie Hedgeshearer, 54, a blacksmith originally from Cheam, 'and.. jas ter show aah honest we all iz in ere..Will be announcing a list of ve croims owd bill are aahfter us for..ooo? Ooz vis?', he said, looking 

[poppy]

at me suspiciously. 

'D'own worry 'bout 'im. We got ow eye on 'im.'

'Tha's all verry well, but I ain't goin' inta my trubbles wid the bill wiv some complete stranga!'

'I'm no stranger to police involvement myself, I'll have you know!' I stated indignantly. 'Why, only the other day ...