Continue the story.....

[itsmeagain]

'Oh didn't I say....? He took a walk along the Thames..saying he likes a good constitutional, this gent..if you see him, do send my regards, and whatever ails him, shall certainly pass. '

Hoping never to see him again, I poured myself strong tea and slurped it with gusto,and

Edited April 24, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

asked Rosie if there were any of my favourite jammie dodgers left.

'I can't be thinking of jammie dodgers at a time like this! Whatever's wrong with you, Johnny?? Daddy's obviously suffering from some sort of temporary mental lapse and he needs us!'

'That's all very well, but we've no idea where he is (I knew exactly where he was but had no intention of sharing that little piece of info) and ...

[itsmeagain]

what's more, we are running out of cat litter..I'll ring the Vicar and ask about that lorry load that overturned a week ago' ..''Oh Johnny, yes, and ask for it free..every little helps..'

''Parson, it's me...'

'Oh..Disgusting, what a surprise..'

'Revolting..Johnny Revolting..' 'Old chap don't be rude..''

'I want a half ton of cat litter free, you promised me last week..can you arrange..?'

Edited April 25, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

for delivery?'

'Well I don't know about that...'

'I've been tossing up whether it's really worth the bother of putting up with your pesky boys around the place,' I added.

'Very well, then,' he sighed. 'You do know the esteemed Major Flowers is being held in police custody, don't you? He's asking for bail, but as you know, my limited funds won't allow for it at this stage. Perhaps you ...?'

'Best to let the law take it's course, I feel. And not a word to Rosie, she thinks he's away on holiday in Liechtenstein and the idea of him being incarcerated would ...

[itsmeagain]

sadden her profusely...now chop chop Vicar.. ' 

Three hours 43 minutes, and  12 seconds later, a huge tipper truck, yellow in colour, arrived

 I heard a crash and many thuds, as half a ton of cat litter was opposed onto the cat cafe courtyard.  ' What in God's holy name.  

[poppy]

are those morons doing out there?'

On inspection, I discovered the huge pile of cat litter, mixed with a generous helping of dirt, deposited slap bang in front of our door, making it impossible to open. I bellowed at the idiots but they just waved and drove off.

Fuming, I rang the truck company and told them if they didn't move the heap forthwith, they'd have a lawsuit on their hands.

But the receptionist said that those were the instructions given, she had them in front of her.

'Who in hell gave those orders, I'll have their...'

But she'd hung up.

That left only one thing to do,

[itsmeagain]

so I rang  Out of the Frying Pan, a greasy spoon delivery service in Clapham. I ordered 200  beef patties on bread, to be sent immediately to Pompous Our Lord of Holy Fathers, Bugle Rd, London.

Cash on delivery..all 700 quid..from my esteemed colleague and friend, Victor Cross, Parson extraordinaire. Three hours 1 minute later, a furniture van turned up at the parson' s church.

It was now 8pm and no one seemed to be around.

Fred Fallacious, 43, a driver from Surbiton, knocked, no reply.

Eventually he got hold of Victor's wife, Petunia, an ex administrator for a team of bucket manufacturers in Shoreditch,who met the parson while dreaming about marigolds in a Starbucks in Salop.

''Ere brav, oive a tan a bladdy beef burgers ere an I wanssum offa me ands,ya get me?  Get daan ere naa..'

Trusting in the beneficence of the Lord, Parson Victor felt it would be  gratis, a gift from God.

' Awfully kind of you, I'll be there in 5..toodle oo', and at that, the driver just tipped the burgers onto the porch,stood laughing, and awaited our dear man of the Lord to grace us..

Edited April 27, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

with his presence. 'Well praise be!' Parson Cross enthused, 'God has provided, the poor of our parish will be fed tonight. It reminds me of the Bible story of the five loaves and two fishes that fed the multitudes. All it takes is the faith of a mustard seed to move mountains. And here we have a veritable mountain of beef burgers, my prayers have been answered. Thank you, thank you for your stupendously generous donation,' he said wringing the drivers hand. 'May God bless you abundantly and peace be with you brother.'

The driver looked very sheepish and decided he'd send the bill instead to Mr Revolting who had ordered the consignment.

'Ahh humm, you're very welcome Padre ... your Reverence ... Your Holiness ...'

'HAHAHA,' Victor gave a great braying laugh, causing Fred to take a nervous step backwards, 'just call me ...

[itsmeagain]

Victor..errrmmm..been having a lot of weather last few weeks old chap..dunno if you're keen on the weather..ahem..old bean..what are you dong on...'

And at that, Fred Fallacious drove the lorry so swiftly, it overturned the  scooter of Dejan Parsimonious,  34, a  bookmaker from Stroud, on a day visit  to the capital. Fred continued to drive, his aim being to get as far from  London as possible. Undeterred,  Fred continued to drive, the aim being to escape the clutches of the ' woofter'  as he so prejudicially, and incorrectly,  interpreted Parson Cross. Not one to shirk a challenge,  Fred went at 50 miles p. h., uncaring.

Parson Cross was suddenly left in a rain shower. 200 hundred beefburgers and baps, sizzling upon the doorstep of his rectory. 

' I ...

 

Edited April 29, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

desperately need your help!' pleaded Victor, to Mildred Beamish his office secretary. Mildred was a Ms, never married, middle-aged, wearer of no nonsense tweed and sensible brogues and the epitome of organisation and efficiency.

'Leave it with me, Vicar,' said Mildred, hoping sincerely that he would, Victor had a habit of getting under one's feet and generally making a nuisance of himself.

In no time at all, Meals On Wheels en masse had arrived and the whole steaming mountain had been transferred in to ...

[itsmeagain]

a van, awaiting delivery to the Edith Cavell nursing home [ 80 and above, Alzheimers], the Beers and Bonkers karaoke night at the Eagle and Washcloth, the local Scouts, and the local police station. 50 burgers apiece.  Mildred waved off the van affably, and, a mile away, my phone rang.

'Mr Repulsive..? The sum total of your burger bill is 800 quid ten p..it's Maggie May here, of Burn it fry it, then deny it..manufacturer of premium quality beef burgers, rolls, sandwiches..'

'I am Steve Smith, environmental health..ringing about a health inspection at your factory ', said I, 'I'm....

 

 

Edited April 30, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

arriving with my team today at ...'

'Sorry, wrong number!' and Maggie hung up.

That should be the last I hear from her, one problem solved.

Now to sort out the half tonne of cat litter blocking our front door, which the steady pouring rain had swollen to twice its size and weight. Wait until I get my hands on that Victor Cross,  preferably round his skinny little neck, he'd  ...

[itsmeagain]

better get the Lord to proffer a decent explanation,  or it's curtains for any hope of him entering our cat 🐈 cafe ☕️  ever again. For goodness' sake, the whole reason I ordered the burgers was to make the cowardly vicar  pay for them..after all, he'd allowed a delivery man to chuck a ton of cat litter onto the lawn in the blooming rain. I was just pouring out thick strong tea , when 'daddy' got hold of his dear daughter on the landline. 

'Rosie, dearest daughter of mine..'

'Daddy..really..how many have you got..?'

'We will not go there dearest..now, at last the police have fed me..am being released really soon..I had a burger and I feel quite light...

Edited May 1, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

headed. How I'm supposed to survive on only one burger, heavens only knows. It's cruelty by starvation, that's what it is. They only agreed to feed me when I pleaded and begged them and admitted I was guilty. Of course I'm not, but a man can't go nearly four hours with only a cup of tea and a few biscuits! I ask you! Anyway, can you come and get me?'

'Daddy! I didn't know you'd been arrested! Nobody told me! Why has nobody told me?' Rosie turned a look of pure accusation on me.

'Well, darling, it's like this ...

[itsmeagain]

 

.you see daddy has been  up to. Ahem nefarious activity with some rather undesirable ladies in a house of ill repute. You see a police raid found him embracing 60 year old Madame Legs, an ex hairstylist from East Ham. I never knew what to do and so I didn't 

[poppy]

let you know. I didn't want to upset you, darling.'

'Surely there's been some mistake! Dear Daddy would never be seen in a house of ill repute. He must have entered the wrong premises by accident and he was just giving the lady a friendly hug when she gave him directions. You know how affectionate Daddy is.'

I can't say it's a side of his nature that's ever been evident to me, but now wasn't the time, perhaps, to bring that up.

'We must go and rescue Daddy immediately, bring the cheque book, we may need to ... 

[itsmeagain]

offer financial inducement, pecuniary endorsemement, monetary reinforcement, to get daddy away from those pesky police..oh daddy..'

Down we trundled to the police station 🚉,  to be met by PC Colin Stoopid, who declared daddy to be fit and ready to go. ' No need for any manny, Ms we don't accept bribes ere', he said, 'and tell yer dad that when e parses an ouse saying Madame on ve door, vis means aaahse of ill reputation,  eez not suddenly Dan's la France or anything.. boi naaw..' , and daddy appeared, unruffled by the experience. 

'I say what a spiffing turnout,both of you here...well I'm driving back home..you will get the bus right opposite' and at that, he drove...

Edited May 3, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

off, straight back to the bordello and into the arms of Madame Legs, for all we knew. 

As you might expect, I was not happy. 'What a bloody cheek! That's the last time I rescue your blighted father from anywhere!'

'Daddy's obviously not himself, we must be patient with him.'

Any vestige of patience I had left for anything, completely disappeared when I realised I'd left my wallet in the car and we had absolutely no money for a bus fare.

'So what do you suggest we do now?' I snapped.

 

[itsmeagain]

'Well..I have 11 pounds ..64 p , and between you and me, we'll be well able to catch a 75 to New Cross, walk 10 minutes to Betty's cakes, and a second bus to our house..it's simple'.

When we got back, tired and wet, she spotted the answer machine flashing. 'Two messages..message one..' Oh 'ello, its PC Plodder from the local nick. Am ringing up cos we appear to ave an outbreak of  the runs round about here right now. A Mr Cross tells us the free burgers were courtesy of  a Jimmy Disgraceful, cat sanctuary owner and general dogsbody..ring us.'

Message 2. 'Rosie please get  me an ambulance I have terrible guts..that damn burger...'  Silence reigned very suddenly...

 

Edited May 3, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

Rosie stood there, wet, cold and bedraggled. We had missed the last bus and been forced to hitchhike. Unfortunately, no-one stopped and we'd walked the whole way, 10 km,  in the pouring rain. To add insult to injury, Betty's cake shop had been closed.

'He can call his own damned ambulance!' she cried. 'Serves him right.' The worm had turned!  

'Go and have a hot shower love, get into your onsie and I'll make you a nice cuppa.' 

For all today's misfortunes, I felt that at last ...

 

[itsmeagain]

justice was being served..cold. Finally she realised just what a twerp that elderly gent is. 

However,  in Rosie's shower time, I took a unilateral decision..aha, male audience, believe me  I know that's always a risk....and I telephoned the Old Bill.

'Ahem...John Revolting from Revolting Cat sanctuary Inc, est 2021...May I simply educate you around  delicate issues..DO NOT ever, address a bloke name of Revolting, as  Jimmy Disgraceful.  So leave me alone and I hope the burgers choked you....'

'I am PC Eric Plodder and I ...

 

[poppy]

will be investigating further. As we had the incorrect name previously, we were unable to pursue complaints. However, now you have made yourself known to us, and we have your caller details, you will be receiving a visit from us shortly.'

Well that just put the icing on the cake! Maybe ringing the cops ...

[itsmeagain]

had been a bad idea.

I sneaked out and left Rosalyn to face the music.

My way down Falliopian avenue, on to Herpes Square, took me by Frankee and...

Edited May 6, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

Johnnie's Liquor Store, a good place to drown my sorrows. Things hadn't been going well for me lately and a few slugs of Frankee's illicit whisky would be bound to perk me up.

Several hours later I ambled home, none to steady on my pins. Rosie was waiting up for me, a look of ...

[itsmeagain]

disdain on her face. 

'I had two representatives of the plod down here....you are saddling us with more and more debt..the vicar has said you ordered the burgers....which caused food poisoning to daddy who was detained on spurious grounds..and some woman rang saying you won't pay the bill...ohJohnny..why .. '

Edited May 6, 2024 by itsmeagain