Continue the story.....

[itsmeagain]

go home and leave...'

'Me alone? ..you see Johnny, Clyde Piper...'

'I am  related to the daddy of Pipers Crisps..'

'Is staying in our loft, where he shall renovate..now..hair,' and suddenly in came Bella LaFleur, 32, an esteemed 

Edited September 25, 2024 by itsmeagain

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coiffeuse from The Lunatic Fringe. Unfortunately, nobody apprised me of the name before I was forcibly planted on a chair, wrapped in some kind of voluminous plastic cape and Bella came at me with scissors clacking. I tried to escape but Bella was a well-built lass, and one firm thrust from her hefty right arm had me re-seated with a painful thump. I looked appealingly towards Rosie hoping for help, but ...

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she accepted the diktat from Bella, 'Rosie darling remember what you agreed..he's having badger quiff in white with black, the black central stripes extending to his fringe, now steel yourself Johnny...', and at that, she

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shaved both sides of my head, and started plastering my head with noxious smelling dye and doing something unspeakable with tinfoil! 

'Don't tell me this is what women have to go through in the name of fashion. It stings like mad!' I exclaimed.

'Don't be such a baby, Johnny!' Rosie wasn't in the slightest bit sympathetic.

'But it's starting to itch like billy-ho!'

'Just another 40 minutes,' said Bella, 'here's a magazine to take your mind off yourself.'

They all left the room to stuff their faces with tea and cake, the selfish stinkers.

My head felt like it was on fire and I could feel my face swelling up like a puffball. I began to suspect that ...

 

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the godly  Clyde, was up to something rather insanely silly, yet my attempts to get away were 

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hampered by my difficulty in breathing. Fortunately, Bella came back at this point to ask if I wanted a cuppa. Finding me gasping for breath and trying to tear my hair out by the roots she cried, 'Cor Blimey, I think he's had an allergic reaction! He's going into anaphylactic shock. Call 999!'

I don't remember anything else,  but apparently ...

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I was wailing something about the temporary,  impermanent nature of ourselves on the earthly plane, and wishing Boris a full recovery from Covid.

Fearing I had gone doolally, Rosie  began thinking about calling a Dr, but her newly acquired, teenage twerp appendage, Clyde, decided not 

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wait and began CPR, adding insult to injury.

'Get ... this ... idiot ... off,' I gasped, coming round temporarily, 'feels ... like ... cardiac ... arrest!'

Bella, the only one keeping her head, had rung 999 and penetrating my existential crisis I could hear the wail of sirens.

'FIRE! FIRE!' I yelled, before passing out completely. 

The next thing I remember ...

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was a petite Chinese nurse cooing at me' hey Mister Revulsion , your name reminds me of a type of paint..in my house we use revulsion on our walls..would you like a biscuit?' 

Then a doctor with wild jet black hair and an ear ring, said his name is Hari..not Mata Hari..Hati'

AllI could see before me was sylph like indiduals dancing, bangles on their wrists, multi coloured skirts around voluptuous thighs, chanting Krishna Hare

Hare 

Rama

Krishna 

Krishna 

Hare

Ooooooommmmmm.

In my mind, I bowed and clapped as Hari said' it'll be OK in the morning, Herr Revolting ', and I laughed and slept. Later

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when I woke, Rosie and her detestable, infernal hell-hound of a father were standing over the bed. Rosie was all sympathy and concern, but I'm sure Daddy was only there in the hope I'd conked it. He had a very disappointed look about him.

'What are you doing here, you old #@*&?' I demanded, glaring at Daddy.

'I drop everything, and I was involved in some very vital important research I might add, and rushed straight to your side, and this is how I'm treated?!'

'But Daddy,' said Rosie, 'you were only ...

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checking bolognese recipes because you have designs on Mrs Skawper at number 65, no revolutionary gift to 

Edited October 9, 2024 by itsmeagain

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mankind, I don't think.'

Ignoring Rosie, the Major continued, 'Yes, your treatment of myself and my beloved daughter has been nothing short of deplorable. I have been nothing but supportive and helpful right from the beginning. One couldn't ask for a better father-in-law, which, thank the stars, I trust will never happen!'

I felt like tearing my hair out. In fact, gripping my head, I discovered great handfuls of the stuff were coming adrift.

'I'm going bald!' I wailed.

'Coo, you'll look like Jason Stratham! I LOVE Jason Stratham!  Do you think you could ...

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be..like  ...oh please be..like Statham, he of the Jason persuasion', intoned a sonorous female voice from direction, broom cupboard. 

'Identify...

Edited October 12, 2024 by itsmeagain

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yourself!' demanded the Major, throwing the cupboard door open.

We all stared in amazement. Who should be lurking there but ...

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Mrs Mawkish, 43, a sheet splicer and woodcutter from Meath, whose interest in cats could rightly be flagged off as insincere, negligible as a pole dancer's vestments, possessing about as much integrity as a 21 pound note on a fifth Sunday in February, she was a total

 

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non-starter.

'REGGIE-BABYKINS! Is that you?' she shrieked.

'Madgy? Madgy Mawkish? By joves, Madgy, you little ravishing smasher, you!'

They rushed into each others arms and engaged in some very noisy smooching.

'Disgusting! I can feel a relapse coming on,' I groaned.

Rosie hustled them out of the room and ...

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enjoined me to be ' charitable to daddy, so daddy may be , by return, charitable to one's own so good, self', she said, crunching on an apple as she perused the news on her iPhone. " Have you looked in the mirror?', she enquired, 

Edited October 14, 2024 by itsmeagain

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looking everywhere except at me.

'No, have you got a mirror?' I asked.

'It's probably not a good idea yet,' Rosie pulled a Snickers bar out of her capacious handbag and started munching on that. 

'Why not? And have you brought anything for me to eat? All they've given me so far is some kind of gruel that even Oliver Twist wouldn't have requested seconds of.'

'It's probably not a good idea yet,' repeated Rosie.

I felt myself getting ...

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more suspicious of Clyde Piper, what a terrible influence he was on Rosie, the effervescent, pleasant Rosie, now under the

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spell of some wannabe Pied Piper. I strongly suspected he was plotting to usurp my place in Rosie's heart, not to mention the affections of my beloved moggies. I bet he doctored the hair dye with some nasty chemical! When I voiced my concerns to Rosie, she said I was getting delirious and called the nurse. Sister Blister came at me with a syringe big enough to take a rhinoceros out.

'Where the hell are you aiming that?' I screeched.

'Just ...

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the upper outer quadrant, left deltoid of said left buttock..if you'll potentially stand up I can thence more easily zap you. If not ...'

I said I urgently needed a bog..ten minutes later I was ambling blithely down Saltpetre Boulevard when , in a cafe window, I read, ' masses of spuds baked to your specific demands.50p apiece." 

Seizing the time, in I....

Edited October 16, 2024 by itsmeagain

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shot, and not a moment too soon. Who should saunter up but the Major and clinging possessively to his arm, the singularly unalluring Madge Mawkish! I bent down behind a table which unfortunately drew rather more attention from fellow patrons than  I would have liked. It may have had something to do with the fact I was only wearing a hospital gown, the kind that are open at the back, save for those pathetic little ties. Unbeknownst to me, the cafe manager saw fit to advise the local constabulary that ...

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there was a strange bloke exposing his worst area in a dressing gown taken from a mental institute.  One step ahead of the game, as usual, I asked my dear daddy in law Flowers, ' oh daddy may I borrow your shirt and trousers just for a wee while..after all, we

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are closely related and I consider us kindred spirits.'

'Sir, you are nothing but a mountebank, a charlatan! Arrest this scoundrel! Clap him in irons!'

It was clear any previous fellow feeling between us had evaporated. To be honest, I had detested the old coot from the first but knowing he was rolling in it,  I'd tried flattery at times to get him to open his pockets. 

But now was not the time for reminiscing, now was the time for ...

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make myself scarce, so, into C and A went I, bought a tee shirt and trousers, and re entered the world a new bloke. I went down Gobstopper street, bought a bag of crisps and....