poppy Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 Pete Bottlebrush's the name and painting's me game, so how can I assist dear lady?' Pete was used to greasing up cantankerous customers and this one looked particularly ....
itsmeagain Posted February 20, 2015 Posted February 20, 2015 tough, her long brown hair tied up in a very tidy looking knot, her yellow tee shirt with..
poppy Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 'Billions of Men. Why Animal Test?' in large black letters across the front and 'When God Made Men, She Was Joking,' across the back. But Pete was made of stern stuff, years of having doors slammed in his face and on his foot, if he wasn't quick enough, had .....
itsmeagain Posted February 21, 2015 Posted February 21, 2015 he not played his cards right throughout all of his 41 years? He decided to go elsewhere with his proffered paintbrushes. Bloody feminists, he thought, disinterestedly. I mean, didn't I whistle in appreciation at the woman with those legs? That's a modern man if I ever saw one. I held a door open for a doctor at hospital and she never said thanks. Another thing I did was stop buying porn cos my wife complained about it. It is really....
poppy Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 the thin edge of the wedge when you try your absolute best to be a new-age man, and it goes so unappreciated. I mean to say, I was just saying to the missus the other day, after she came home tired from her cleaning job, 'Don't worry about cooking me a three course meal tonight, dear, you can skip the entrée tonight if you like.' How's that for ....
itsmeagain Posted February 22, 2015 Posted February 22, 2015 Chivality..chivalriness or what they call it?" So engrossed in his monologue was Peter the useless painter, that he missed the approaching Rottweiler, Russell the Rotty as he was known to acquaintances. Peter nearly fainted, such was the fear, but Russell Rotty merely sniffed his nether areas, and, overcome by bad stench, turned away disconsolately. Better luck next time, mused Peter the painter, reflectively."After all, it's....
poppy Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 not every day you get to bite the bum of a famous painter like me. Missed your chance mate!' he jeered at the Rottie, getting all cocky now Russell had turned away. But Russell had only turned his back momentarily to take a few big lungful's of air before .....
itsmeagain Posted February 23, 2015 Posted February 23, 2015 running amiably towards the posterior of Peter, and then proceeding to nuzzle it through his trousers. Peter was surprised. " Shame but truly and really, you cannot get people to arselick, neither physicsly or whatsit, nor meteorically", declared Peter philosophically. He walked off, his next door being answered by Starkus Storkcraw, 54, a stockbroker of immense repute, mainly for his expertise in drinking, and drinking copious amounts of sherry on his nights out. Starkus Storkcraw, magnificent sherry guzzler extraordinaire, answered the door, monocle in situ, left eye scrunched up into a myopic, unseeing slit. "What do we have here?", enquired Starkus, in a puzzled type of way.
poppy Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 'A paint bespattered ne'er do well, if ever I saw one! Be off with you, you objectionable, obnoxious, odious, odorous tramp, you!' and with that he slammed the door in Pete's face. Pete .......
itsmeagain Posted February 24, 2015 Posted February 24, 2015 turned away in a dejected type of a manner, crestfallen. Meanwhile, his brother Bert the builder was in West Ham, helping with the building of a new sanatorium.All the funding was in place, and it looked remarkably like.....
poppy Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 a large windowless building in the Gothic Horror style. Bert was very proud of the avant garde style, whilst observers of the progress stood open-mouthed in .....
itsmeagain Posted February 25, 2015 Posted February 25, 2015 dismay that such a hideous building could be lauded as magnificent in today's world.Bert the builder smoked a cigarette as he thought of his brother Pete. Maybe I will give him a call tonight, he mused.
poppy Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 a little slap of paint would improve the look even more. Orange and purple,' he thought, 'I'll see what Pete thinks.'
itsmeagain Posted February 26, 2015 Posted February 26, 2015 (edited) "Errrm..ellow Peter, it's Bert here, can you paint my house orange and purple stripes please?" he,asked, inquisitively. "Are you sure brother? After all, only ageing hippies and similar like that". "That's great..my ulterior motive is..I am chasing a posh hippy chick named Eleanor..she's lovely but she feels,I am square..help brother help..." Edited February 26, 2015 by itsmeagain
poppy Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 'Weeeelllllll ......it'll cost ya. The missus has been onto me about fixing a hole in the roof. Don't know what's wrong with the good old bucket to catch the drips trick, but you know what wimmen are. Fussy like. Nag on and on. Are you up for that?'
itsmeagain Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 "Eleanor's worth it, even if spending cash is,against my better judgment. How much then?" asked Bert, sullenly. "Two thousand quid" declared Pete, acidly. "Can I ask you to bring non toxic paints ?" implored Bert,meekly.
poppy Posted February 28, 2015 Posted February 28, 2015 'That'll cost ya another few Lady Godiver's, can't say fairer than that.' Bert muttered a few choice words, but he didn't have much other option. He pulled a bulging wallet from his pocket and started to .......
itsmeagain Posted February 28, 2015 Posted February 28, 2015 count it out. It really was,all a man could do to resist just going round to Pete's abode and throwing the two grand at his stubbly little face. The self satisfied, morbid little cretin. Wasn't it just a month ago that the two recalcitrant brothers had disagreed over a 20 pence piece Bert had found on the floor in Tesco? Bert had wanted to put it towards a pint that night but Peter had decreed that Bert ought to save it, as it was a case of waste not want not. Hes not bothered about me wasting 2000 quid though, the spotty jerk, thought Bert. I will bide my time, he thought, ominously.
poppy Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 Nefarious plans began to formulate in Bert's fertile brain. He'd wait until Pete finished the paint job and then he would .....
itsmeagain Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 (edited) pounce, metaphorically, by ensuring the next 20p piece they found, was his to do with as he pleased. That is the essence of revenge, thought Bert, proudly. To ensure that all 20p pieces are mine to do with as I want. Not as he wants. His mobile rang, it was Happy Days, his theme tune, that rang out across his London kitchen. "Bert hello its Eleanor. I cannot attend..... Edited March 2, 2015 by itsmeagain
poppy Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 the opening of the new Sanatorium, I'm afraid. Something has come up.' Bert was horribly disappointed, but that now left him open to .....
itsmeagain Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 other suggestions. Being a man of very few original ideas, and hardly being what might be called fleet of foot, he would, he surmised, end up supping again, alone, in the ball and ferret, the local boozer. And guess what? By 735pm, he was ensconced in a chair, nearby in the same tap room were Jim, Jack, and John, three 65 yr old blokes having an interesting chat. It seemed that Jim....
poppy Posted March 2, 2015 Posted March 2, 2015 recently retired and with idle time on his hands (giving the devil ample opportunity to find work for them) had taken to watching Last of the Summer Wine. This had given him the idea that Jack, John and he could .....
itsmeagain Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 do their own, real life, version of said situation comedy. With that uppermost in his mind, Jim and his two mates went out to the wilds of Yorkshire, Haworth moor to be precise. It was lovely out there, thought Jim. It appeared that Jack had hit upon a new form of wildlife. "A female orgasm", intoned jack, quietly to John.." now this author suggested.." "Hey up them female orgasms don't they nest in these parts?" asked Jim, enquiringly.
poppy Posted March 3, 2015 Posted March 3, 2015 'No, you dozy pillock, that's not an orgasm, it's an osprey,' said John, who was the more educated of the trio. 'Now the osprey is a fish eater, and therefore nests near .....' But the other two had .....
Recommended Posts