Continue the story.....

[poppy]

find the Cosy Book Nook's key under the back door mat.

Can you put half a dozen potatoes in the microwave too? I've only had a few nibbles tonight. I'm starving!'

Bunty's prodigious appetite was impressive.

I did as she asked, made a large mug of tea, grabbed a handful of shortbread biscuits and and started going through the book bucket discards. To my surprise ...

[itsmeagain]

there were a few gems , like Great Expectations, Far from the Madding Crowd, and 1914, but I kept on delving and out I pulled a volume called, 'Running a cafe, my own unique way', by Eugenia Pullupapew, with many fascinating tips on how to empty potato peel into a garden , composting of tea bags, and the best brownies this side of the Mason Dixon line. 

But there was  a surprising amount of Margaret Thatcher; so nauseating that my headlong rush to the bog was  stopped by a sudden  bout of even greater nausea. You see, Maggie had never been a person I read about, but I decided to take 6 tomes of her memoirs, 3 for daddy, 3 for our Pastor.. but I was going to get Felicia Goodbye to charm both, and to sell both a wad of  drivel for 50 quid per tome; it ought to be a simple matter, since Felicia Goodbye has delightful charms, right up the Major's street; what he doesn't know, of course, is she is a ju jitsu master and so...

Edited April 19 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

she should be safe from any unwanted overtures.

When Bunty returned huffing and puffing from taking the cats for their constitutionals, and we got stuck into a couple of baked spuds each with lashings of butter and chopped chives (Bunty managed three), I enquired why she was discarding the likes of Dickens and Hardy. There were also some D.H.Lawrence and Hemingway in the rubbish bucket.

'It's simple really,' she replied, ...

[itsmeagain]

I don't know why the Dickens  Charlie is so popular,  I never liked Great Expectations,  as,  simply put, it is a book of few expectations  for me; the style, monotonous, the tempo, dull, the characters, dry and all similar in role and personalty; moving on , I do not feel Tommo is so very Hardy after all, again, a dull resonance emanates, rather vociferously,  from environs where his books predominate; only 6 months ago I went to see Maud and she sat for 46 minutes, praising Far from the Madding Crowd...I was maddened by that tale, so 

Edited April 20 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

they get the old heave-ho.'

'Do you mind if I take them then? I asked. 'It seems a waste to throw them away.'

'What do you want them for?' she asked suspiciously, 'you're not going to try and sell them are you?'

'Well, we could ...

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see if old Crudger the Crutch down at the stables wants some', said I,hoping she didn't know I was spinning a yarn, 'and also, the Pilsbury Dough nursing home at Bats Nook really  need reading material..it helps with Alzheimers '.

'Are you pulling the wool.....

[poppy]

over my knees? I didn't come down in the last share market crash, you know! But if you genuinely think they'd be interested, we'll load up my shopping trundler now and take a visit.'

Damn, I thought, foiled again!

'It was just an idea' I stalled,  'I'll give them a ring sometime.'

'We may as well grab the bull by the tail and strike while the iron's on. Come on then, lickety-chop!'

'But Bunty, it's ...

[itsmeagain]

raining..'

'Get your coat,off we go to Pilsbury Dough...

[poppy]

and we'll spread a little joy amongst the senior citizens.'

'Can you share your umbrella,' I begged, 'this coat isn't rainproof.'

'Oh toughen up! A little bit of rain never hurt anyone,' she stated cheerfully, as rain streamed off of her brolly and she splashed through calf deep puddles in her galoshes. (trans. from Antipodean gumboots)

Once there, I hoped I'd be able to slip away and make a few side deals, but she stuck to me like a viral chest cold. Something I strongly suspected I'd be suffering from after tonight's little escapade.

Henry B. Clutterbuck, a sprightly octogenarian...

 

[itsmeagain]

,said his best ever read had been copies of Doris Lessing, The Notebook, on South Africa, the weird vibes of apartheid 

[poppy]

communism and madness.'

'You must go to one of Felicia's's soirées!' said Bunty, 'She has speakers on a wide range of weird and wonderful subjects. Right up your street.'

'I'm afraid I'm wheelchair bound these days. Bloomin' pins let me down, don't you know,' said Henry.

'Don't you worry about a thing, old mate! Johnny here will come and push you.' And she gave me a hearty slap on the back.

I gave her a look that should have ...

[itsmeagain]

frazzled her lank curls, but failed. 'Have you read much Thomas Hardy?', asked Henry , of Bunty, ' you see, I once shared a rickshaw in India with his best cousin Freda, and her uncle on the grandma's side. It was a spiffing journey, driven through a real Madding Crowd, not...

[poppy]

that I'm a devotee of Hardy. Depressing, pessimistic type of cove, but Freda was a topping filly, I could tell you some stories!'

'Do tell!' I encouraged.

'Johnny! It's time we were hitting the road. Say goodbye. We'll leave the books for residents to help themselves to. Toodlepip, Henry.'

I donned my soaked coat again, and sploshed off dejectedly through the rain. I started to sneeze and shiver but Bunty was disgustedly cheerful, even going as far as ...

[itsmeagain]

picking up  a wet towel, wringing it out, and wiping my 

[poppy]

streaming nose.

'I fink I'm coming downth wiv la grippe,' I groaned.

'Tummy trouble, old man? What you need is a good dose of bicarb. Sort you out in a jiffy!'

'Noth, la grippe!' I snapped, 'Ith French for influenza.'

'Well in that case, what you need is a hot toddy and bed. You shouldn't go wandering round in the rain spreading your germs everywhere! Most inconsiderate! I'm bally glad I didn't share my umbrella with you now!'

I glowered at her, 'I was fine until you ...

[itsmeagain]

intruded upon a straightforward conversation between me and an old man, well I'll be damned, you needed to.. .

[poppy]

put your oar in, didn't you!'

'Female perspective, don't you know. Got to balance these things up or else you men think you run the show.'

I harumphed. I hoped Rosie would show me more sympathy and ...

[itsmeagain]

, that in mind, ☎️ rang her up.

A strange voice responded; croaky, old, woman type voice, reminding me of my great grandmother. 

'Yessssss....well dear, she is sorting out this coal bunker for me, and heaven only knows why.....she, err, puts up with..down, Molly, down, good girl...'

'Rosie, snap out of it...

Edited April 29 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

and stop fooling around!'

'What's that, dear? You've stopped fooling around? I'm glad to hear it. And about time too. I've been saying it was time... Molly, that's not nice! Spit it out, Molly that's just dis ...'

'Who am I speaking to?' I asked.

'Don't be silly, dear, it's me, your Great Aunt Ermintrude, of course! Now Willy, when are you coming home to help with the coal bunker?'

I hung up. Wrong number. Silly old bat. I redialed Rosie. 

'Johnny, you better come home. I think the baby's ...

 

 

[itsmeagain]

on her merry little...oooooooo the veritable, Dickensian, pain, ...aaaaaahhhhhh'

Feeling responsive and responsible, I scurried amicably home, running

[poppy]

the whole way. I arrived puffing and panting, totally winded and stood doubled over trying to recover from stitch.

'Oooooh ...ahhhh ...' I moaned, 'It hurts!'

'Of course it does!' snapped Rosie, 'I'm in labour! Call a taxi!'

A nervous taxi driver zoomed us to Blooming Babies Maternity Home and a nurse met us at the door.

'Ms Revolting-Flowers is it? Do come in and we'll check how baby is coming along. Wait there,' she instructed me with a very unfriendly glare, I felt.

Ten minutes later they returned.

'False alarm, a touch of wind. Could be weeks yet. Try not to waste our time again!'

However, in the taxi back home ...

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I telephoned ☎️  Russell Fillmycoffers, head of Blooming Babies nursing homes. This man was an ex gym member at my gym, we spent many an hour slugging tea and reminiscing about the girls we both dated at Uni .

After the frightful service at the maternity home, I said to his answer machine ,'Johnny Revolting needs help here , we had the most obscenely gross harridan, a nurse not identified by name, but the one with a pet lip, treating my wife like a piece of faeces, ring me...'

Well, what an.....

Edited May 2 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

absolute waste of time that was! No sooner had I hung up when Rosie started groaning again.

'Johnny,  I'm sure something's happening now ....Ahhhhh...'

'Darling, she said it was just wind and it could be weeks, just relax and ...'

Rosie gave me the most evil look and through gritted teeth hissed, 'My waters have broken and I feel like pushing, you *person of dubious parentage*!'

'Oh hell! Are you sure? What should I do?' I panicked. 'I know, boil lots of water and get towels. That's what they always do in books. Just hold on while I ...

'JOHNNY!!!' she shrieked, ...

Edited May 3 by poppy

[itsmeagain]

stop being a wet behind the ears, lily livered wimp for Jove' sake, and get me to a bladdy labour ward..'

Our alert taxi driver, Sarfraz, zoomed warily and at speed of light through some grimy, grotty, gruesome streets, with bookmakers, loan shark offices, and takeaways offering stewed Assyrian soup with crusty dry bread, and , finally, he pulled up outside a grotty office. 

'Well sir, here we are..only Labour ward left in our capital now Reform have taken over..'

'Christ blaze humanity in fire and soak it in flood, how blithering an imbecile must you be, I am having a sprog here....aaaaaaahhhhh", declared Rosalyn, her sweet 

Edited May 3 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

temperament, usually so evident, was now conspicuous in it's absence! 

'I'm going to murder you, Johnny, but not until I've cut off your ...'

Sarfraz took one frightened look at her, screamed and fled, leaving us alone in the taxi.

'I can't wait any longer!' shrieked Rosie.

'HELP! HELP!' I yelled, 'MY WIFE IS HAVING A BABY! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!'

Just then ...