poppy Posted February 4 Posted February 4 flexibility ... double-jointed I think you'd call her. Made for some amazing fun times, you should have seen her ...' 'DADDY!' cried Rosie, 'what are these ...these ...Jezabels doing in your bed-chamber? What would Mummy have said! I'm appalled, simply appalled! I want them out of the house right NOW! And you Mr Revolting, you can jolly well ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted February 4 Author Posted February 4 get out if this house! Now...' I scarpered, trying my utmost to garner the makings of a plausible cover story. Well, I mused, I can pretend I was just passing and saw the door open,two floozies soaping daddy in the 🛁 bath tub, a smell of bacon plus cabbage juice...hmm..yep that's my story. I now must tend to Quote
poppy Posted February 5 Posted February 5 (edited) the little matter of my pilfered books. Del Grundy wouldn't be much help with this little lot but I did know a fence by the name of Dodgy Dax who'd be sure to give a nod and a wink to anything shady. 'Gotta see a man about a dog, Rosie,' I called and hot footed it out of there. I could hear her shouting something but time enough to face the music later. If I returned with my pockets full of dosh, all would be forgiven. But if not, things could get ... Edited February 5 by poppy Quote
itsmeagain Posted February 5 Author Posted February 5 (edited) as hairy as a barber's floor . I went to 65 Crimebodge avenue, and was met at the door by Dax Danger, affectionately known as Dodgy Dax. Tall, hirsute, black haired and eyed,he seemed Edited February 5 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted February 6 Posted February 6 spitting image of a swashbuckling pirate, complete with eye-patch and garrulous parrot. 'Arrgh ...Ahoy there, Johnny me hearty! What brings you here, you scurvy dog?' he roared, giving me a powerful thump on the back. 'Daxxy, me old mate!' I gasped, partially winded. I attempted to return a good back-slap, which left me with a smarting hand. 'Gotta a coupla things here that might interest you.' 'Come in, come in! Join me in a tot'a'rum.' 'Where's me nuts? Where's me nuts?' demanded Capt. Morgan, the parrot. 'BELAY YER YAP!' bellowed Dax. 'Make me, Fathead! Rark rark.' Dax threw a shoe at him, but ... 1 Quote
itsmeagain Posted February 6 Author Posted February 6 it missed, swirling in mid air , it somersaulted , back towards the thug,impaling itself through the eye patch and causing nearby pigeons to wince at the noise. ' My OH my, what have we here me hearties? How ter dominate yer family in three easy steps. Hahaha ha some people..yer see warrit is mate is women..not much intelligence, you see, but plenty knowhow..it wouldn't take a man as long as a woman to make teas for seven kids and two grannies, an uncle and a ship's cook ..but hey yes the women manipulate then cry ..and get money by using the accumulated wisdom..of..men ..yeah..so this will go under comedy..5 quid pal' he said, opening a sweaty, wrinkled old wallet, 1 Quote
poppy Posted February 9 Posted February 9 and I'll give you another fiver for this one,' he said pointing to the travel book, he seemed to think one of his buccaneer friends might be interested. I'd keep the pillock one for Pastor Cross. 'Make it twenty quid and I'll throw in this valuable little volume of 'How To Train and Dominate Your Stroppy Parrot,' a volume that had serendipitously fallen into my bag when I making haste to Daddy's bog. 'Done!' he bellowed, 'Now splice the mainbrace, and get that down ya!' He shoved across a tankard brimming with rum. 'Keel haul the slimy bilge-suckers,' squawked Capt Morgan. Another missile went flying, narrowly missing ... 1 Quote
itsmeagain Posted February 9 Author Posted February 9 (edited) a brass nameplate bearing the wisdom, ' keelhauled passengers can not transgress: do as yerr cap'n commands.' Instead it hit a cup of cold, rancid,tea on a grimy table,sending it rolling to the floor. 'Drink yer rum n down be a bladdy wimp,do yer know Rome warrant burned while men fiddled ..in a day err something' , he opined, taking a swig of thick golden rum , ' ann if yerr've any sense, yer are going to join me on a day of drinkin' that will... Edited February 9 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted February 10 Posted February 10 knock yer bladdy socks arf!' Getting my socks knocked off wasn't included in my day's plans and I shuddered to think of the reception I'd get from Rosie if I turned up hammered. I wasn't in her best books after she'd found me at Daddy's. Being considered a wimp by a ramshackle ex-pirate and his curmudgeonly parrot help little terror compared to the ear-bashing I'd get from my little ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted February 10 Author Posted February 10 dearheart if I arrive stewed tonight . Oh why not drown my misery in a bookshop. In to Waterstones I galloped, looking for crime fiction. ' The Racket of Noseless Norbert', by Thelief Smith, looked good. A promotional offer meant it'd be mine for 77p, so I hungrily bought it, squeezing it lovingly as I perused other, equally svelte, lush, books. It never ceases to enthral me, a new book to salivate over, and who knows, possibly sit and read if all goes well. 'The Night of the Short Forks' by U R Inamess, tells the long winded, ultimately thrilling, story of three girls on a night out, one of whom discovers a fork with red stuff sprinkled on it. She thinks it's blood..Alfie said it's beetroot ..... Quote
poppy Posted February 11 Posted February 11 and Astaria-May thought it was ruby-red fairy dust sprinkles left by the Little Folk. It turned out to be the latter and the novel then goes off into the realms of fantasy. It would be right up Rosie's street, I added it my pile. That just about cut my twenty quid, just leaving enough for a ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted February 12 Author Posted February 12 baked 🥔 spud topped with 🌶 and tofu. Crispy and nice. Just as I ... 1 Quote
poppy Posted February 12 Posted February 12 (edited) was digging into the first delectable mouthful, someone whipped the whole thing from under my nose! 'Share and share alike. It is better to give than receive. Charity begins at home,' pronounced Pastor Cross between gobbling down my beautiful potato and taking huge slurps from my vanilla soy latte with the cinnamon sprinkles. I'm not a violent man, but there was only one thing to do ... Edited February 12 by poppy 1 Quote
itsmeagain Posted February 13 Author Posted February 13 (edited) 'Pastor Cross, you of the realm', I said, in the deepest baritone mock up ever, ' I humbly do forsake evil..oh get thee behind me, oh evil, malevolent Satan, and provide for those in your diocese who love eating potatoes .... Edited February 13 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted February 13 Posted February 13 Now I'd love to say the old Rev had an epiphanic moment, saw the error of his ways, repented and henceforth lived a blameless and squeaky clean life, dispensing spuds to all and sundry. But unfortunately, it was not to be. To help him on his way, I stuck him in the leg with a safety pin. He leapt in the air, spluttering bits of spud and vanilla latte in all directions. As he bent over double to remove the offending object, I quickly removed his wallet from his back pocket and whipped out a tenner. 'That should about cover it!' I called as I ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted February 14 Author Posted February 14 (edited) placed the wallet in his agape, aghast, mouth. Never had I seen a clergyman behave as shockingly as to steal spuds from the veritable plates and mouths of babies, ie the flock, as it were, of the Lord. Baleful was the look emanating Edited February 14 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted February 16 Posted February 16 from the Vicar as he spat out his wallet and simultaneously jerked the safety pin from his leg. I expected future repercussions, but these little frissons helped to make life interesting and keep one on one's tootsies. I sauntered off home, well pleased with my pecuniary efforts of the day. It went a long way to softening the blow of losing my potato. I whistled On Top of Spaghetti and that put me in mind of ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted February 17 Author Posted February 17 (edited) spud topped with cheese with spaghetti 🍝 hoops, so beloved of my mother back in the 1960s. I still had several books on my mind; if Rosie finds out I have got a bloody tenner for two well regarded tomes, I will then be kaput. To get more joy from the day, and being one blessed by the Lord, I decided to pass the 'How to be a Pillock in 2021' tome to its deserved owner and student to be, The really quite Reverend, Parson Cross. "I say, He really is absurdly gracious in His divine benevolence, and welcome in his joyful aura..do pull up a chair, Disgusting, and pray with Edited February 18 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted February 18 Posted February 18 me.' Now I have great respect for the clergy and their beliefs, but Rev Cross was a disgrace to his profession. 'I think I'll pass, and suggest you put up an urgent prayer for your black, villainous soul instead of spouting meaningless platitudes at me!' I chucked him the book. 'There's not much you can learn from this, but I couldn't think of anyone more deserving!' And I stalked out feeling very ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted February 19 Author Posted February 19 (edited) unhappy with the audacity of the very Reverend Cross. Ambling aimlessly, whistling Sylvia's Mother, I came across a library called 'The Best Bookery...' Then my mind went off on a type of creative tangent,thinking of things to add.....do some great cookery. Full of black crows, like a real rookery.. Carried away in such delightfully dreamy reverie, out of left field, in the far left of my alert peripheral vision, came a woman 👩 on a bicycle 🚲, a sprig of onions on the left handlebar, a bag of tangerines on the other. ' Roll up , roll up, get yer fresh produce', she said, 'it's only today you'll Edited February 19 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted February 19 Posted February 19 get me best bargains.' I rolled up. 'Got any King Edwards?' I could bake a couple of nice jackets for Rosie and me, especially since the dastardly Parson had filched my last one. She not only had some splendid tatties but I also bought some lovely looking spinach, leeks and Brussels sprouts. I headed for home concocting mouthwatering banquets in my imagination. So engrossed was I, that I didn't notice ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted February 20 Author Posted February 20 the large St Bernard ambling gaily down the boulevard , salivating Quote
poppy Posted February 20 Posted February 20 as only a St Bernard can salivate. Fortunately, he shunned the vegetarian diet and took no interest in my newly acquired comestibles when I tripped over him and ended up sprawled across the middle of the road with my veggies scattered around me. He did, however ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted February 20 Author Posted February 20 eat a pigeon wing which was lying nearby. A dumpy middle aged guy, yellowing beard, jeans, oil on shirt, Quote
poppy Posted February 21 Posted February 21 looked even more unkempt after Blossom, for that was his name (his owners concurred with Johnny Cash's sentiments found in A Boy Named Sue) spat out feathers liberally mixed with quantities of drool, all over his person. Not my problem. Retrieving my now rather battered veggies, I limped off home. It had been a funny sort of a day, but all in all ... Quote
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