Continue the story.....

[itsmeagain]

bag of calcifying salted roast peanuts you know , the one reeking of a pint of cider in a cafe oven in September,  yeah oooohh yeah, apple pie really? Could you fetch some for me oh yes yes definitely,  most agreeable, sleep..am tired now yes thanks oh now...

Edited January 26 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

But she didn't finish her sentence, she'd dropped off. I tiptoed out, grabbed a backpack, my lockpicking tools, my bus pass and off I went. 
I knew the Major usually spent afternoons at his gentleman's club, The Cheroot and Whisky, so I should be safe having a ferret round his library without being disturbed.
Just to be sure, I leaned on his doorbell for a good 30 seconds and when nobody answered, I went around the back where I wouldn't be noticed. I was bit rusty in the lock-picking department but ...

[itsmeagain]

a rusty coat hanger and a pair of hospital scissors later, and I was in. A smell of cabbage and bacon permeated the air, anyway, putting aside the stench, I stole into the darkened library. I understand 

Edited January 28 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

that breaking and entering may meet with disapproval from the more uptight populace,  but I'm sure anyone who'd had any sort of dealings with the Major, would wholeheartedly support my mission.
It was very dark in the library. Luckily I had a torch in my backpack, I didn't want to attract attention by turning on a light. Shining my torch along the books spines, I was astounded to see a book titled ...

[itsmeagain]

'Being a pillock in 2021; a memoir by Alan B Supercilious. '

'Cripes, the Alan B Supercilious? If so, it'll fetch a grand outside St Stuffam church on Sunday. This author advocates more boredom in life as being something to aspire to, and so I'll try selling it the vicar or one of the throng. '

Next book to catch my eye was a huge compendium of travel writing, Avalanche, Aviary, 🇦🇫 Afghanistan,  America 🇺🇸; travelling light through the war zones of the World' by Jimmy K Delion, 54, an ex boxing promoter from East Didsbury, 

[poppy]

bound to attract any mercenaries lurking online. I popped them both into my backpack. Now my eye fell upon a  volume titled, 'How To Become More Assertive and Dominate Your Family, Friends and Associates in 30 Days' by Liz N Tomee. I bet that was Daddy's handbook for life! It certainly looked well-read and dog-eared, stained with what looked and smelt suspiciously like tomato sauce. I'd have great pleasure in depriving him of that little bit of reading material! I added it to the others in my backpack. I'd just spied a particularly valuable book when I heard a key turning in the front door. Oh no! What was the dratted pestilence doing home so early??
There was only one thing to do ...

[itsmeagain]

I shot hastily into the toilet ( I said shot..), and I froze. I heard a female voice, sighs, and whispers of , 'where the hell does he keep the money?'

I heard rattling cutlery,a champagne 🍾 bottle shooting open,a clink of glass upon glass, then ' old dog...I'll simply tell him I didn't find the condoms but I found these bottles of claret..what a 

Edited February 1 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

lucky break!  We'll get the old fool plastered, tie him up naked in bed and then we'll ransack the joint.'
Now I basically had nothing against this plan, a bit of abject humiliation would do the old son of a bitch a world of good. But I wasn't going to have all the spoils pilfered by these two hussies! I'd wait until they'd got him semi-conscious and trussed up and then I'd scare them off.
I could hear Daddy inviting the two girls to sit on his knee and feed him grapes and wine, accompanied by gales of giggles. I settled myself more comfortably and ...

[itsmeagain]

prepared to sleep. A sudden jarring of the door handle was followed by' Bloody heck, the old Scrooge has locked the bloody bog.'

'Here Cicely, a bucket.. he puts his cabbages in brine in here, have a ...

[poppy]

wee in there.' They were both giggling hysterically again. I had to stuff some loo paper in my mouth to stop laughing out loud myself.
I could hear one of them saying, 'Come on darling, have another drinkypoo,' and the Major's slurred reply, 'I jus' feel a lil sshleepy. I'shthink I'll jus' take a lil nap.'
It sounded like he was staggering off to his bedroom, followed by the giggly girls. It was probably a good time to get rid of them now so I marched out, just as the front door opened... and in walked Rosie! I stood rooted to the spot, mouth hanging open in disbelief and panic.
'Whatever are you doing here, Johnny? And why is there toilet paper hanging from your mouth??

 

(get him out of this one, Itsme! 🤣)

[itsmeagain]

'Well I knew it is the Major's birthday and so..dear Major Flowers, please accept with a grand amount of grace and pomposity,  this token of..a bottle of 🍾 plonk just for you..Cleft d' Votre Backside, the new one from Auvergne..oooh la la.." 

'Oh thank you thank you,dear Eric, you blinder ..these ladies are Cicely and Misserlee, hahaha,two fine young strumpets.. I say, did I never tell you of my days in Morocco.  A zoological expedition.. well the camp dentist was a Russian gal named Valka..she had the most amazing.....

Edited February 3 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

flexibility ... double-jointed I think you'd call her.  Made for some amazing fun times, you should have seen her ...'

'DADDY!' cried Rosie, 'what are these ...these ...Jezabels doing in your bed-chamber? What would Mummy have said! I'm appalled, simply appalled! I want them out of the house right NOW! And you Mr Revolting, you can jolly well ...

[itsmeagain]

get out if this house! Now...'

I scarpered,  trying my utmost to garner the makings of a plausible cover story. Well, I mused, I can pretend I was just passing and saw the door open,two floozies soaping daddy in the 🛁 bath tub, a smell of bacon plus cabbage juice...hmm..yep that's my story. I now must tend to

[poppy]

the little matter of my pilfered books. Del Grundy wouldn't be much help with this little lot but I did know a fence by the name of Dodgy Dax who'd be sure to give a nod and a wink to anything shady.

'Gotta see a man about a dog, Rosie,' I called and hot footed it out of there.  I could hear her shouting something but time enough to face the music later. If I returned with my pockets full of dosh, all would be forgiven. But if not, things could get ...

Edited February 5 by poppy

[itsmeagain]

as hairy as a barber's floor .

I went to 65 Crimebodge avenue, and was met at the door by Dax Danger, affectionately known as Dodgy Dax.

Tall, hirsute, black haired and eyed,he seemed 

 

Edited February 5 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

spitting image of a swashbuckling pirate, complete with eye-patch and garrulous parrot. 
'Arrgh ...Ahoy there, Johnny me hearty!  What brings you here, you scurvy dog?' he roared, giving me a powerful thump on the back.
'Daxxy, me old mate!' I gasped, partially winded. I attempted to return a good back-slap, which left me with a smarting hand. 'Gotta a coupla things here that might interest you.'
'Come in, come in! Join me in a tot'a'rum.'
'Where's me nuts? Where's me nuts?' demanded Capt. Morgan, the parrot.
'BELAY YER YAP!' bellowed Dax.
'Make me, Fathead! Rark rark.'
Dax threw a shoe at him, but ...
 

[itsmeagain]

it missed, swirling in mid air , it somersaulted , back towards the thug,impaling itself through the eye patch and causing nearby pigeons to wince at the noise.

' My OH my, what have we here me hearties? How ter dominate yer family in three easy steps. Hahaha ha some people..yer see warrit is mate is women..not much intelligence, you see, but plenty knowhow..it wouldn't take a man as long as a woman to make teas for seven kids and two grannies, an uncle and a ship's cook ..but hey yes the women manipulate then cry ..and get money by using the accumulated wisdom..of..men ..yeah..so this will go under comedy..5 quid pal' he said, opening a sweaty, wrinkled old wallet, 

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and I'll give you another fiver for this one,' he said pointing to the travel book, he seemed to think one of his buccaneer friends might be interested. I'd keep the pillock one for Pastor Cross.

'Make it twenty quid and I'll throw in this valuable little volume of 'How To Train and Dominate Your Stroppy Parrot,' a volume that had serendipitously fallen into my bag when I making haste to Daddy's bog.

'Done!' he bellowed, 'Now splice the mainbrace, and get that down ya!' He shoved across a tankard brimming with rum.

'Keel haul the slimy bilge-suckers,' squawked Capt Morgan.

Another missile went flying, narrowly missing ...

[itsmeagain]

a brass nameplate bearing the wisdom, ' keelhauled passengers can not transgress: do as yerr cap'n commands.' Instead it hit a cup of cold, rancid,tea on a grimy table,sending it rolling  to the floor.

'Drink yer rum n down be a bladdy wimp,do yer know Rome warrant burned while men fiddled ..in a day err something' , he opined, taking a swig of thick golden rum , ' ann if yerr've any sense, yer are going to join me on a day of drinkin' that will...

Edited February 9 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

knock yer bladdy socks arf!'

Getting my socks knocked off wasn't included in my day's plans  and I shuddered to think of the reception I'd get from Rosie if I turned up hammered. I wasn't in her best books after she'd found me at Daddy's. Being considered a wimp by a ramshackle ex-pirate and his curmudgeonly parrot help little terror compared to the ear-bashing I'd get from my little ...

[itsmeagain]

dearheart if I arrive stewed tonight .

Oh why not drown my misery in a bookshop. In to Waterstones I galloped, looking for crime fiction.

' The Racket of Noseless Norbert', by Thelief Smith, looked good. A promotional offer meant it'd be mine for 77p, so I hungrily bought it, squeezing it lovingly as I perused other, equally svelte, lush, books. It never ceases to enthral me, a new book to salivate over, and who knows, possibly sit and read if all goes well.

'The Night of the Short Forks' by U R Inamess, tells the long winded, ultimately thrilling, story of three girls on a night out, one of whom discovers a fork with red stuff sprinkled on it.

She thinks it's blood..Alfie said it's  beetroot .....

 

[poppy]

and Astaria-May thought it was ruby-red fairy dust sprinkles left by the Little Folk. It turned out to be the latter and the novel then goes off into the realms of fantasy. It would be right up Rosie's street, I added it my pile. That just about cut my twenty quid, just leaving enough for a ...

[itsmeagain]

baked 🥔 spud topped with 🌶 and tofu. Crispy and nice. Just as I ... 

[poppy]

was digging into the first delectable mouthful, someone whipped the whole thing from under my nose!

'Share and share alike. It is better to give than receive. Charity begins at home,' pronounced Pastor Cross between gobbling down my beautiful potato and taking huge slurps from my vanilla soy latte with the cinnamon sprinkles. I'm not a violent man, but there was only one thing to do ...

Edited February 12 by poppy

[itsmeagain]

'Pastor Cross, you of the realm', I said, in the deepest baritone mock up ever, ' I humbly do forsake evil..oh get thee behind me, oh evil, malevolent Satan, and provide for those in your diocese who love eating potatoes ....

Edited February 13 by itsmeagain