itsmeagain Posted January 18 Author Posted January 18 (edited) in the doo doo. 'Oi moi lav, wass toim o doy fer a lavverly poice loik yoo ter cam flounderin frew me dorez, cor blimey yore lavvely', said Del, fat , grubby,scruffy black beard, unwashed, smelled of beer and fags. ' We were hoping you'd be able to help us, in a pecuniary way, if you will', said Rosie, ' and in light of this economic crisis, I would hope you have the easy going geniality yet stiff upper lip fortitude of all top Brits these days..' ' Oi certainly can moi sweety poi, is it.... Edited January 18 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted January 18 Posted January 18 lunchtoime yet? I'll tak yoo out fer a slap-up feed, jus yoo an moi, and yoo kin tell moi all about it.' 'I was informed you didn't like the ladies,' said Rosie, ever straight to the point. I cringed. 'Don't loike the ladies! Oo eva told you that? 'im I spose!' He slapped his leg and laughed uproariously. His voice boomed out sending stale beery fumes round the room. I wished I'd brought earplugs and a gasmask. 'My wife's in a rather delicate condition at present, Del, perhaps after the happy event?' 'Looksta moi loike tha 'appy events already occurred loike,' he guffawed, winking at me and leering at Rosie. 'Not till later in the year,' Rosie gave him a dazzling smile, 'but I'll invite you to the baby shower.' I groaned. 'Now about this ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 19 Author Posted January 19 book. We have a rather large 📖 book...Dickens..and we'd like you to value it for us and render fair recompense..Johnny?' 'Here it is, the very best original copy of David Copper field, with Great Expectations,..' 'Yes oi ave groit expectoishuns too... Quote
poppy Posted January 20 Posted January 20 I bet you do! I thought. Great expectations of a whacking great profit! But at least he wouldn't be looking into it's provenance and there'd be no comeback. 'How much do you reckon,' I asked. 'First edition, good condition.' 'Hhmmm ... no pin'oles in tha margins, sum wear, not published in 1861 ...I'll giv you eight.' 'Eight thousand!!?' Rosie's eyes lit up and she bounced in her chair which creaked alarmingly under her burgeoning weight. Del let out one of his explosive guffaws which had us recoiling once again. 'Yer dead funny! Yer killin' moi! Oi won't be ableter shift it fer more then ... (Del has a rather erratic accent, I'm afraid 🤣) 1 Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 20 Author Posted January 20 8 quid..yer see, oi iz a pure Cockney geezer..n vough vis iz agad book, iss ardly gonah roise ve roof off yerr avridge ouse wiv excitement is it..?' 'Del, the pages 123 to 129 are extremely raunchy , full of women like.me getting ready for the shower...' 'Ooooo naa vatsahnds az if iss worf a gander..wares me glassiz?' Quote
poppy Posted January 21 Posted January 21 His eyes goggled, I'd thought this doctored book would appeal to him. 'Dat's a roight bitofa Bobby Dazzler! I'll give yoo 800 Nelson Eddies, roight now!' Rosie whispered to me, 'Tell him we can't be taking any Nelson Eddie's, whatever they are. We want cash!' 'Make it a round grand and we'll have a deal,' I told Del. 'Done!' and he proffered a pudgy and greasy hand. I shook it happily, then Del riffled round in his desk drawer pulling out a wad of money. He counted out ten grubby and crumpled hundred pound notes, but money's money whatever the state of it, so I ... (I don't know if it helped me at all to know Del's a Cockney 🤣) 1 Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 22 Author Posted January 22 took it, and stuffing it into my coat, rushed , sweating, from the grubby hole. Oh how I prayed he doesn't get to find out the raunchy bits had been taken from an old Grattan catalogue and weren't part of the book...after all, can you even imagine the rage when the nugget sussed out that he's been had..hahaha all so sweet 😋 for me, which is all Quote
poppy Posted January 23 Posted January 23 I'm worried about. Rosie clapped her hands in excitement, 'Goody goody gum drops! Now we can buy some new kitty beds and new kitty toys and stock up on their favourite Munchkin Morsels and get in a ton of kitty litter. And pay lots of bills. Then, of course, there's the baby. We need to start collecting baby gear, Johnny. I saw the cutest little bassinet, all white wicker and broderie anglais and it had an automatic rocker so baby ... My mind drifted off. This was exactly why I hadn't wanted to take Rosie with me. No sooner had I pocketed a few pounds and she was off on a spending spree! And worst of all, she knew exactly how much I'd made! I'd really been hoping this time to get a new ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 23 Author Posted January 23 copy of Iconography Handboook: a guide for bookish people, Dickens in Doubt, by Benny Brittle, and Wayfarers of the.... Quote
poppy Posted January 23 Posted January 23 Warble Fly Whistler by Prof. Wilberforce Winstanley. The latter was a captivating little volume, outlining the life of one Wilfred Bowangler, an expert warble fly impersonator. Young Wilf had learned the art at his grandfather's knee, a prosthetic one that he'd detach and leave in a back paddock, so Wilf's warbling didn't disturb the family. He did, however, have an alarmingly effect on local fauna. Many a time ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 25 Author Posted January 25 a herd of deer went 🦌 🦌 🦌 hurtling through the streets, enthralled by Wilfy and his less than soporific 'Kingdom of Elephatns', a rousing anthem that Betty Boop, iin one of her letters, described as, simply the finest, most Quote
poppy Posted January 25 Posted January 25 uplifting and spirited rendition ever to grace the eardrums of the discerning listener. However, those purchases were out of the question for now. I did have a few more cards up my sleeve though, that Rosie was unaware of as yet. The Major possessed an extensive library and perusing it the last time we visited the old codger, I'd noticed ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 26 Author Posted January 26 a bound compendium,including an introductory frontispiece by Thomas Hardy, and a copy of Woman in White with a stand up card illustration, signed by W Collins, the very same.... Quote
poppy Posted January 26 Posted January 26 Wilkie Collins, the author (surprisingly 🤪) So with nefarious purposes in mind, I decided to pay 'dear Daddy' a visit. Relations between us had oftentimes been a trifle fraught, to say the least, so I needed an excuse to call on the old pestilence. 'Rosie, I thought I'd just pop round to your father's and pick up that ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 26 Author Posted January 26 (edited) bag of calcifying salted roast peanuts you know , the one reeking of a pint of cider in a cafe oven in September, yeah oooohh yeah, apple pie really? Could you fetch some for me oh yes yes definitely, most agreeable, sleep..am tired now yes thanks oh now... Edited January 26 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted January 27 Posted January 27 But she didn't finish her sentence, she'd dropped off. I tiptoed out, grabbed a backpack, my lockpicking tools, my bus pass and off I went. I knew the Major usually spent afternoons at his gentleman's club, The Cheroot and Whisky, so I should be safe having a ferret round his library without being disturbed. Just to be sure, I leaned on his doorbell for a good 30 seconds and when nobody answered, I went around the back where I wouldn't be noticed. I was bit rusty in the lock-picking department but ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 28 Author Posted January 28 (edited) a rusty coat hanger and a pair of hospital scissors later, and I was in. A smell of cabbage and bacon permeated the air, anyway, putting aside the stench, I stole into the darkened library. I understand Edited January 28 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted January 29 Posted January 29 that breaking and entering may meet with disapproval from the more uptight populace, but I'm sure anyone who'd had any sort of dealings with the Major, would wholeheartedly support my mission. It was very dark in the library. Luckily I had a torch in my backpack, I didn't want to attract attention by turning on a light. Shining my torch along the books spines, I was astounded to see a book titled ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 30 Author Posted January 30 'Being a pillock in 2021; a memoir by Alan B Supercilious. ' 'Cripes, the Alan B Supercilious? If so, it'll fetch a grand outside St Stuffam church on Sunday. This author advocates more boredom in life as being something to aspire to, and so I'll try selling it the vicar or one of the throng. ' Next book to catch my eye was a huge compendium of travel writing, Avalanche, Aviary, 🇦🇫 Afghanistan, America 🇺🇸; travelling light through the war zones of the World' by Jimmy K Delion, 54, an ex boxing promoter from East Didsbury, Quote
poppy Posted January 31 Posted January 31 bound to attract any mercenaries lurking online. I popped them both into my backpack. Now my eye fell upon a volume titled, 'How To Become More Assertive and Dominate Your Family, Friends and Associates in 30 Days' by Liz N Tomee. I bet that was Daddy's handbook for life! It certainly looked well-read and dog-eared, stained with what looked and smelt suspiciously like tomato sauce. I'd have great pleasure in depriving him of that little bit of reading material! I added it to the others in my backpack. I'd just spied a particularly valuable book when I heard a key turning in the front door. Oh no! What was the dratted pestilence doing home so early?? There was only one thing to do ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted February 1 Author Posted February 1 (edited) I shot hastily into the toilet ( I said shot..), and I froze. I heard a female voice, sighs, and whispers of , 'where the hell does he keep the money?' I heard rattling cutlery,a champagne 🍾 bottle shooting open,a clink of glass upon glass, then ' old dog...I'll simply tell him I didn't find the condoms but I found these bottles of claret..what a Edited February 1 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted February 2 Posted February 2 lucky break! We'll get the old fool plastered, tie him up naked in bed and then we'll ransack the joint.' Now I basically had nothing against this plan, a bit of abject humiliation would do the old son of a bitch a world of good. But I wasn't going to have all the spoils pilfered by these two hussies! I'd wait until they'd got him semi-conscious and trussed up and then I'd scare them off. I could hear Daddy inviting the two girls to sit on his knee and feed him grapes and wine, accompanied by gales of giggles. I settled myself more comfortably and ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted February 2 Author Posted February 2 prepared to sleep. A sudden jarring of the door handle was followed by' Bloody heck, the old Scrooge has locked the bloody bog.' 'Here Cicely, a bucket.. he puts his cabbages in brine in here, have a ... Quote
poppy Posted February 3 Posted February 3 wee in there.' They were both giggling hysterically again. I had to stuff some loo paper in my mouth to stop laughing out loud myself. I could hear one of them saying, 'Come on darling, have another drinkypoo,' and the Major's slurred reply, 'I jus' feel a lil sshleepy. I'shthink I'll jus' take a lil nap.' It sounded like he was staggering off to his bedroom, followed by the giggly girls. It was probably a good time to get rid of them now so I marched out, just as the front door opened... and in walked Rosie! I stood rooted to the spot, mouth hanging open in disbelief and panic. 'Whatever are you doing here, Johnny? And why is there toilet paper hanging from your mouth?? (get him out of this one, Itsme! 🤣) 1 Quote
itsmeagain Posted February 3 Author Posted February 3 (edited) 'Well I knew it is the Major's birthday and so..dear Major Flowers, please accept with a grand amount of grace and pomposity, this token of..a bottle of 🍾 plonk just for you..Cleft d' Votre Backside, the new one from Auvergne..oooh la la.." 'Oh thank you thank you,dear Eric, you blinder ..these ladies are Cicely and Misserlee, hahaha,two fine young strumpets.. I say, did I never tell you of my days in Morocco. A zoological expedition.. well the camp dentist was a Russian gal named Valka..she had the most amazing..... Edited February 3 by itsmeagain Quote
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.