itsmeagain Posted January 3 Author Posted January 3 reading and slugging strong tea with soya milk, whilst humming ' Fools Errand' in between riotous guffawing from me. It is so funny Quote
poppy Posted January 4 Posted January 4 (edited) (peculiar, not haha) that I didn't notice the two halfwits who'd slunk in with old cretin Cross and been left behind. I think it had something to do with their plastered state behind the chaise lounge. Surrounded by empty bottles of vodka, pinot noir and IPA's, it was obvious they'd been making free with my drinks cabinet. The only consolation was that they'd be suffering something dire in the morning. I gave each of them a kick and getting little response decided more drastic action was called for. So I ... Edited January 4 by poppy Quote
poppy Posted January 4 Posted January 4 16 hours ago, itsmeagain said: reading and slugging strong tea with soya milk, whilst humming ' Fools Errand' in between riotous guffawing from me. (While I was thinking Supertramp's 'Fool's Overture' 😂) 1 Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 4 Author Posted January 4 (edited) 6 hours ago, poppy said: (peculiar, not haha) that I didn't notice the two halfwits who'd slunk in with old cretin Cross and been left behind. I think it had something to do with their plastered state behind the chaise lounge. Surrounded by empty bottles of vodka, pinot noir and IPA's, it was obvious they'd been making free with my drinks cabinet. The only consolation was that they'd be suffering something dire in the morning. I gave each of them a kick and getting little response decided more drastic action was called for. So I ... poured a bit of bike grease liberally onto a spoon, and dollops it in to the bottles. ' Are you 2 guys ok? Do help yourself to some Pinot Biggio..I mean Griggio..or noir if such is your desire..really good oily wine..' 'Hoi moit..warez da priest? Oni if it weren't ferrim we'd a bin away by now..e tells us ter sup beer an all dem fings but weez gud..' I poured a cup of cold bike oil straight down the cretin's throat, hoping it..... Edited January 4 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted January 6 Posted January 6 would at least make him green around the gills but instead he perked right up. 'Moit!! You got any more? 'ere 'arry! Takka swiga dis!' 'arry reached out a weak and trembling arm and shakily took a gulp. His head snapped upright, his eyes appeared to rotate in opposite directions and he greedily gulped down the rest of the contents. 'Bugger the vicar, Bert, lerrus go foind a party!' And the two shot off like ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 6 Author Posted January 6 (edited) Harry and Bert, which is, after all, who they were..and probably still are. Glad to be rid of them, I settled back down at my upper window, bellowing shrieks of laughter as people bearing mashed spuds and scallions , flitted around looking for... Edited January 6 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted January 7 Posted January 7 me. It had started to snow and since most of them were thoroughly inebriated, they seemed impervious to the cold. They slipped and slid and fell all over the place and I had no end of enjoyment imagining frostbite and broken and sprained limbs. My fun was rudely interrupted when in burst ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 7 Author Posted January 7 (edited) PC Mitzel from Camberwick Green. ' Sir we have had a report of a type of rudeness from your esteemed self, towards a member of our clergy, namely that you did, on or about 14:54 on 13th inst of January, said, and I quote, ' don't come all la de da with me,you snake in the grass charlatan, or I'll play Sex Pistols for you'..is it true?' Stifling a guffaw, I Edited January 7 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted January 7 Posted January 7 enquired what law I was breaking. 'We do not allow the disrespecting of ecclesiasticals. Should such an occurrence transpire, we are duty bound to issue a stern warning. And it is against town ordinances to play subversive and obscene music in public.' Now I did guffaw, loudly and uproariously. 'Freedom of speech, copper. Now unless you can state a law I'm breaking, push off.' 'I will return with the said regulations.' As he left, Rosie returned looking very ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 8 Author Posted January 8 (edited) relieved; you see she had been propostioned by a scruffy bloke in dirty clothes, brandishing a two pound coin and claiming to be the last remaining genius of the Realm. 'Oh Johnny, I replied in a rude manner, I told him intelligence,often in short supply, leaves those with least claiming to be better than those with most; somewhat ludicrous predicament: he threw a boiled egg at me, it missed, but hit an old lady full on the wig, good job it was proper hard boiled, anyway he then said he is not really all Edited January 8 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted January 8 Posted January 8 that sorry, even though I insisted he apologise. I said my husband will make you apologise and he said he'd be around in a minute!' I was so alarmed by this news, that the fact she'd called me her husband and the fathead knew where we lived didn't even register. 'Ummm ... how big is this guy?' I enquired nervously. 'Well, pretty big, but you know what they say, brains always beats brawn.' Her faith in me was touching, but as they also say, this obviously being a day for banal proverbs, discretion is the better part of valour. So I ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 9 Author Posted January 9 (edited) decided I had missed an urgent appointment with..'The greengrocer..she had some spinach to offer us for our South American veggie fricassee , next week's special..' 'Oh I can do that..' 'No..I love spinach' , said I, grabbing my coat and running 🏃♀️ out the back door. 'Johnny do control yourself, stand like a man..you're all bloody Dickens and no damn trousers' , she wailed, while sweat streamed down my furrowed brow. An ugly big sweaty bruiser in mucky clothes shouted, 'ay moit, yaint seen a poncy geezer noim of Disgastin as yer..see oiz on a mishun to bag a noit wiv is missis but onissly eez dared to stop me..can yer help.. '' 'Well, I can give you his address...' As the bloke went looking for our very Reverend Cross, I again thought how absurdly amusing for an old twerp to... Edited January 9 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted January 9 Posted January 9 have some plug-ugly turn up on his doorstep and give him a good thumping. However, I underestimated the Vicar. Apparently at Holyknot Little Hope Theological College, old Rev Cross had excelled at boxing. When Floyd Butts turned up on his doorstep, all purple-faced, veins sticking out and great ham fists flailing, one robust punch on the nose followed by a swift uppercut, and it was nighty-night for Floydy. He assigned a few of his studier lads to drag the unconscious Floyd off the premises and deposit him ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 10 Author Posted January 10 in a lorry bound for a refuse dump. Bert Common, 43, a council.bin man, heard a loud rasping fart Quote
poppy Posted January 11 Posted January 11 but he put it down to a leaky and loose exhaust in imminent danger of parting company with it's under carriage, and blithely dumped his load onto the scrap heap. Then he drove off leaving our Mr Butts floundering around amongst rotting cabbages, nappies and other unmentionable detritus. For some reason, I suspect a lack of British phlegm and stoicism, this knocked the stuffing out of him and any thought of further retribution completely evaporated. What happened next will ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 11 Author Posted January 11 remain lost to history..and given the paucity of posts in this excellent story,it seems it's modern life too. Never mind, I thought, sat at a cafe window, ' all is mere.. Quote
poppy Posted January 13 Posted January 13 superfluous irrelevancies, much like the wording of this sentence. After my soy caramel macchiato topped with a sprinkling of cinnamon and a zucchini and sundried tomato, vegan muffin, I felt I was ready to face Rosie and perhaps twist the truth just a tinsy bit by saying I'd sorted out Buttface and he wouldn't be troubling us again. Women are always impressed by my mastery in these kind of situations. After all ... 1 Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 13 Author Posted January 13 it's not all men who manage to run a thriving cattery, keep electricity bills down to 3k a quarter, and read a pile of books like they're going out of fashion..nils optimum, nils endeavourem, or something akin. 'Sunita, may I acquire an extra vegan sausage roll, I kind of love... Quote
poppy Posted January 13 Posted January 13 the flaky puff pastry, baked to just the right degree of crispiness and golden brownness. And the little bits of mock bacon, tiny bursts of delectable flavour to tickle the tastebuds, and all the various herbs and spices. A veritable potpourri of delight! What seasonings do you actually use, Sunita?' I asked. Now gentle readers may suspect I'm procrastinating with all this hyperbole, and using delaying tactics to postpone the inevitable 'little chat' with Rosie when I reach home? But, of course, I'm really just... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 14 Author Posted January 14 showing artistic, creative licence, a mix of intelligence and fortitude , and hoping someone, somewhere, laughs or, more likely, avoids crying when 📚 reading it. 🫖 I went home. She had two questions for me; where's the Dickens tome; and what happened to Slugger the Bugger Thugger, you know, the one who ended up in landfill? Is he out? 'Out of circulation obviously, why, thinking of inviting him round for cheese and mash, were you?', I asked, sarcasm being my highest level of wit. 'And the Dickens tome is here', I said, reaching into the cupboard and pulling out a huge box with it in. 'Oh excellent, that'll do nicely to sell at Sothebys, it'll earn a fortune for the kitties' 😸 😊 , she opined, gaily skipping about the ... 1 Quote
poppy Posted January 16 Posted January 16 place like some kind of over-excited bush baby. She narrowly missed Jigglybutt, who was minding his own business perched on a fluffy pouffe the cats used as a scratching post. He hissed, arched his back and bristled like a bottlebrush in alarm. Rosie was expanding rapidly now and I told her she really needed to take it easy, for everyone's sakes. But of course she ignored me and went her own sweet way. She sometimes reminded me very much of ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 16 Author Posted January 16 a manic woman, which, actually, is no bad thing..well, if you can keep the manic side in moderation..cos here she is,spinning like a whirling dervish on catnip, unaware of the Dickens tome possibly having been stolen from a rich man. Oh please God, help in my hour of ... Quote
poppy Posted January 16 Posted January 16 peril. 'Darling,' I said, in what I hoped was my most winning way, 'we won't go to Southerby's (they'd be onto me in a nanosecond!) I know a very knowledgeable chappie who will give us a much better deal. Southerby's make you pay a HUGE commission. Let me go to him now and see what he says.' 'I'll come too,' said Rosie, something I'd feared she'd say, but I'd just have to risk it. Del Grundy was hardly what you'd call a ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 17 Author Posted January 17 responsible or upright bloke but he does sit upright at times, eg when swigging cola, smoking fags, or counting money. Sure that he does, I began trembling as we arrived at the hole known as his shop. Quote
poppy Posted January 18 Posted January 18 'It might pay you to wait outside, darling,' I said to Rosie, 'he's an eccentric sort of a chap, a bit on the unpredictable side, if you know what I mean. Salt of the earth, always gives me a fantastic deal, but a bit funny about women.' 'How do you mean, 'funny about women'? Doesn't he like them or something?' 'Ummm ... something like that.' I thought it best not to apprise her of the fact that he was actually a tough, womanising, dipsomaniac.' 'I'll butter him up,' said Rosie, ever the optimist. Before I could prevent her, she'd pushed open the door and marched in. Now I was really ... Quote
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.