Continue the story.....

[poppy]

you know, the one with First Edition in the front?'

I felt myself coming out in a cold sweat. How had she found out about the sale? Could I say that I'd put it away for safekeeping or did she actually know something? I bet that weasel Clyde had ferreted out something and ratted on me!

How on earth was I going to explain where the money had gone? 

'Well darling, actually ...

[itsmeagain]

ahem..I didn't sell it..I loaned it out..with 10 per cent interest.. to Dr David Pulchritude, 44, a dog nutrition expert from Portsmouth. 

If you ring 09876 543319 his secretary will confirm..'

I must stop shaking,oh Cribs I need 

[poppy]

a drink, I groaned inwardly.

'Yes, I'll do that darling,' said Rosie. 'If he's into dogs, I'd like to know that he's got it safely stored away. It would be dreadful if a puppy started chewing the corners or anything. You know what they're like.'

'But ...but...'

It was too late, she'd rung. My knees quaked. 

'No, that wasn't his number, that was some place called Madame Gigi's Girls!'

'You must have dialed the wrong number, listen I just remembered ...

 

[itsmeagain]

...Dr Somaticised ...he's the one..no Dr Lobotomy..Hanson J Lobotomy of Edinburgh..he got the book..ring 0998 765 3....oh drat I can't recall...now I do think, in your fragile state, Rosie, you need sleep...'

'Johnny Revolting, where's that book? How much did you receive? Could mean a lot ..cos we are having..TWO babies...yaaaaaaaayyy'

Suddenly overcome with not the best of feelings, I said 'Oh.. that's..excellent..' , then said ' am off to search for that book..' 

On the blower to ....

Edited December 21, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

Wheezy Wayne, 2nd hand dealer, who could locate just about anything you wanted, as long as you had the readies and didn't ask any awkward questions.

'Mate, I'm after a Dickens tome with your first edition addition to the front.'

'No probs, come and take your pick.'

'Back soon, sweetie, I'm off to pick up our book,' I called, heading for the door. I just hoped ...

[itsmeagain]

this idiot had a suitable compendium 

Arriving after 3 buses, I was wet and bewildered. 

Knocked on the door.

A rough, bearded , skinny thing opened it, holding an oily spanner.

'Allow?' ,he barked.

'Dickens..'

'Cam in Misser Dickings, oi'll jass finish me cappa ven well see abaht vee job up in Shoreditch tonoite..av yer got an ammer brav?'

'I want Charles Dickens.....

[poppy]

'Ain't no Charlie Dickings round 'ere, brav. Watchu wanta see 'im abaht?'

'There's been a bit of a misunderstanding, I'm actually after Wheezy Wayne regarding Charlie Dickings ... I mean Dickens.'

'Well getcha story roight! Wheezy's round 'ere sumwhere. Jus giv 'im a yell.'

'Could you? I'm wet through and I can feel a touch of my old trouble, laryngitis, coming on.'

'Wat are yer? A ...

 

[itsmeagain]

reportable? Well oi tell ya wat bravva ..if ya wanna story abaht real life, cam rahnd ere on a Froydee noit.. when it all happens.. nah.. Weezy are ya vare bass", he called into a mic on his table, ' owny we ave a journalist ere asking sam rahva impertitudinous questions if you get me..owvah'.

'Weezy Wayne's office? Ahumm, err.how may we help?', came a seductive,  ludicrously syrupy female soprano,  ' ahrfter all, only the best....

Edited December 23, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

ahemm ... service for our pres.. prod ... our good clientele.'
She gave a high pitched screeching giggle that went through me like an angle grinder attacking a buzz saw.
'Great. Can I speak to Weezy?'
'To what or whom,' another ear piercing giggle,' is it pertaining about?' She seemed impressed by her abysmal grasp of grammar.
'It's a private matter.'
'I'm afraid Weezy ...
 

[itsmeagain]

has ewnly specified free toips of peeps hunny ban.

1. Clients.2. MPs 

3. Jail birds... to which does your good self aspire?', she enquired, like a rasping old crow stuck to a hairdryer switched on, but trying to.be all Marilyn Monroe lip and booby fabulous, ' sir, eze vewwy bizzy roit nah kin oi

Edited December 24, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

toik a message and Oi'll pass it on at moi earliest convin ... contin ... the earliest chance Oi get?'

Ignoring her completely, I pushed past the desk, which admittedly was a trifle tricky given her anatomical features that were protruding inconveniently into my path. But I manfully proceeded on into the inner sanctum of Weezy Wayne's office. I was hit by a ...

[itsmeagain]

stench of cannabis not experienced since the last time I got on a bus, ie about an hour ago. Why does the stuff smell of sweaty socks? Why does it make you sick? When youths say ' dat's sick bro' do they speak of sativa and its rotting cheese aroma? 

My reverie was interrupted by a waving arm from a weedy young bloke.

'Ere brav, oim Wheezy Woyn,back speshuliss.

Ave you enny dezyuz?'

'Yes I need a massive tome of Dickens, Charlie Dickens the one who did Scrooge you..''

'Scrooge was on television moit you is probly gerrin mixed app..happens to ve.....'

'Let me look at your Dickens ' said I, feeling

Edited December 26, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

that if I had to listen to his tortured speech for too long I'd develop a headache, not to mention losing my usual sharp business acumen and cognitive functions by inhaling too much of an hallucinogenic substance.

'Sit down, brav, wats the rush? Can oi offa yer anythink?'

'Your err .. secretary is she? said you're a very busy man so I don't want to keep you. Can I open a window? Asthma, you know, *cough cough* need fresh air.'

He ignored my request. 'Yav met ma Roxy, hav yer? Whattayathink?' He gave a loud guffaw.

'Nice, now getting down to business, Mr Wayne, ...

 

[itsmeagain]

for Dickens' sake what the Dickens is going on here, also where's the Charles Dickens compendium..'

'Oh yes,,,,,ere it is moit', he said, pulling out of a drawer a book 4 feet high, 1.5 ft wide, 987 pages thick, ' The Illustrated best of Charles....

[poppy]

Dickens'es.'

'What an odd shape, I've never seen one with those dimensions before. How much do you want for it? I don't imagine there's much call for a book of that size.'

'I havta admit yoir roight there, how about you giv us a cuppla ton and we'll call it quits.'

I was very happy with that, but thought I'd try knocking 50 quid off and we finally agreed to one hundred and seventy-five.

He threw in a large bag to protect it from the rain and I headed for the bus stop with it balanced on my shoulder.

I noticed everyone giving me a wide berth, but thought nothing of it until I alighted and was met by several members of the constabulary.

'We wish to examine your body bag. We suspect you ...

[itsmeagain]

'wiv malice aforethought, ave dun kidnapping of Mr Anthony'Slothful Tony' Checkmate, a pizza delivery bloke from Aldershot.  Aaah daz you ploid?', enquired PC Jack Ittin, 23, a lover of speedway and exotic marsupial creatures. In Melbourne once, he bought six 

[poppy]

quoll, three numbats, a large wombat and a selection of bandicoots. The problem was getting them back to the UK, but he avoided immigration restrictions and quarantine by ...

[itsmeagain]

being a police officer. ' Your Superiorness, I humbly want to abase myself before you and nudge your feet with my proboscis', he said, before being given a distinction for honesty.

'I am totally innocent ', said I, grappling with the mouldy but intact behemoth of a tome inside the rucksack.

'Bladdy scholar arncha?', declared PC Ittin, ' nun o me moits nor me fellow officers can read, so wiv vat in mind, oi bid you happy Saturdoize', and off I sallied. A sweaty Rosalyn greeted

Edited December 30, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

me at the door. 

'Whatever have you been doing?' I asked concerned at her state.

'Oh, your new potato masher arrived and I was just moving it into position.'

'Rosie! It weighs a ton, you should have left it for me!'

'Come and have a look!' she said excitedly, 'It's wonderful!'

It was great that Rosie shared my passion for potatoes and the added advantage was it took her mind off ...

 

[itsmeagain]

babies and all the associated nappies, bottles, milk ,and food..the sloppy,runny mess that people are nourished upon when new to the world.

In the kitchen corner, along with a sack of spuds, lay a gleaming new big spud Masher, with the logo of Spud Eater International displayed proudly on its front.

,'If you can start by washing those mucky spuds, I'll take a lie down. We're inviting people to join us for a spuds and cheese creative event, it's tomorrow at 3pm...we need us to have our thinking caps on, as it will be a very tasty..'

She lost me at invites..oh no, who of the plethora of boring boors she knows,will be bouncing into our home tomorrow night.

Enough, thought I, let's see if I can avoid attendance on a pretext. Thinking 🤔 back to other

Edited January 1, 2025 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

tedious occasions I'd avoided and the excuses I'd come up with ... they ranged from having diarrhea, being in imminent danger of being deported, accidentally setting myself on fire, to getting on a plane by mistake and ending up in some obscure airport in Liechtenstein. None of these fitted the bill. The only thing I could think of was a fake call from the Major where I needed to rush to his assistance.

At a quarter to three the folowing day (why do people always INSIST on turning up early!! I just pop some emetics in their drinks as retribution, guarantees their early departure) the first vapid lot turned up.

Rosie greeted them enthusiastically whilst I ...

 

 

[itsmeagain]

looked preoccupied in the background. 

Ingrid Beets, 31, fashion designer from Luton, arrived, dressed in a yellow chiffon ensemble costing 2, 000 pounds, oh great.

Rosie felt the sleeves of the custard dress, longing for a job which paid enough to wear a custard coloured dress.' We have not met',

 

Edited January 2, 2025 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

breathed Ingrid, batting patently false eyelashes at me.
'No, I've been avoiding you!' I answered. That shut her up, her and her bilious American cheese dress!
Who should saunter in next, but Pastor Victor Bloody Cross, flanked by two of his spotty proteges.
'Repulsive!' he bellowed, giving me a whacking great thump across the shoulder blades, causing me to choke on my martini olive, where it lodged in my windpipe. Further thumps failed to dislodge it, followed by several over violent, I felt, Heimlich manoeuvres. The olive shot out and landed in Ingrid's ample cleavage, she gave a loud braying laugh. I lay gasping on the ground.
'Darling! Are you alright?' Rosie asked, patting me all over.
I saw an escape route, 'I think the mongrel's cracked me ribs! Better take a quick trip to the hospital to be on the safe side. No need for anyone to accompany me. Just carry on!'
But ...

[itsmeagain]

, ever the servant of the Lord, our Cross the Redeemer sallied forth, goblet in hand, all ready to get in a taxi with me when, ' I say..feeling like I could use a tinkle right now. The wine of the Lord may trickleth down unheeded otherwise ', he intoned, before rushing to the toilet.

I ran down the street and was soon sat eating vegetarian samosas with chilli sauce followed by cherry cake with soya cream.

' Well that was a spot of luck', I said, hopeful 

Edited January 2, 2025 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

that he wouldn't find me. For once things went my way.
Thinking I'd gone ahead to the hospital he hopped into a taxi in hot pursuit. The rest of the party, which had swelled to about thirty now, all decided to follow suit. With drinks in one hand and bowls of mashed potato, flavoured with parsley, chives, onion, cheese and lashings of butter, in the other, they took off via any means of transport available. Not finding me at the first hospital, they continued their search of all the hospitals within a fifty kilometre radius.
Seeing them all shooting past from my concealed vantage point, I ambled home for a peaceful evening of ...