Continue the story.....

[poppy]

and people need to purchase food to use our cafe. They can't just come in here for moggy pats.'

'I'm perfectly happy to help with the boys, I'm very good at giving guidance and directives. And as long as you don't ban me from my brew refills, hang the rest of them!'

There was a knock on the office door and ...

[itsmeagain]

in walked  Parson Cross, jaunty and full of the joys of spring.

'Well well, Mr Disgusting...I hope all's well at this terrible time for the world..in sub Saharan Africa,  illiterate people clamour for pens...have you any going spare..?...we are building a sun dial in Uganda, a zone named Mugunda.  Can you see it within your remit,perchance,  to review any charitable contribution and offer me the chance to  build a tea shop in old style Saudi Arabia, beyond Jeddah..mmmmm..we have options for creative work galore, to grow more sorghum below Soweto, lentils in Lusaka, cornmeal in Caracas, the list is boundless dear man..I sincerely....

Edited April 9, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

hope you have it in your Heart of Hearts to show real Charitable Love towards the World's Unfortunates, where there but for the Grace of God, go you and I.'

'Nope. Now if that's all, I'm busy. Shove off.' I pushed him out the door and slammed it shut. 

'Oh dear,' said Rosie, ' I better go and console the poor man. Perhaps a cup of tea?'

'No refills remember ... and don't forget me', I called after her, and putting my feet up on the desk ...

[itsmeagain]

I began to peruse the news .

Local man jailed for fraud.

Pensions will be lost if...

Teresa gets her new job..

What's this..

Mrs Abercrombie, 78, was walking by said cattery when out came a rather abrupt man. Said man duly harangued her and demanded she phone the council immediately to have the cat cafe closed down.

A shaken Mrs Abercrombie said' I don't mind cats,it's people like that old gent I can't stand. I wonder if he's suffering from a mental problem.'

Police were alerted, anyone knows the gent, ring them...

'Rosie..your father...

[poppy]

but then I thought better of it. I hid the newspaper and put a quick call in to the local constabulary. I was just hanging up the phone when Rosie came back with a tea tray.

'Who was that, dear?'  she asked.

'Oh, just the ...

[itsmeagain]

local charitable association,  asking do we need cat litter? 🐈 You see, there's been a lorry of cat litter overturn on the M1, and a bunch of charity bods have got hold of a ton or so , and wonder...'

In burst PC Mark Mywords and his colleague, Duncan Disorderly. 

' You are under a vest', declared 

[poppy]

the constable. 

'Vest! Vest! I'll have you know this is a genuine tweed weskit! Vest, the very idea! Where do cops get educated these days? It's a public disgrace and I intend ...'

'We have received an anonymous call from this address,' interrupted PC Mywords, 'concerning an out of control male showing signs of mental derangement. Come quietly with us now, sir, for your own good. We will get you the help you so obviously require.'

'It wasn't me, you absolute tosser! It was ...'

But before I could say anything else, Disorderly had grabbed me painfully by the arm, spun me round, handcuffed me and ...

[itsmeagain]

was marching me out , when in waltzed Parson Cross, who said

' I say, good man Disgusting,  it's jolly bad luck, old bean, one does do one's ultimately futile best..at once possible yet so far away ..'

The Major entered, clutching Rosie's arm.

' There he is ..that's the demon', wailed Mrs Abercrombie,  pointing at the Major, ' do pray,desist in your wicked endeavour to imprisonment of a fine man, and arrest that old fart..he's never apologised yet for what occurred in 1988, August, in Scarborough..ask...

Edited April 13, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

me what this disgusting old man did. Well I'll tell you, even though it causes me great embarrassment.  He pinched my ... my... bottom. There's no other way of putting it.' She blushed bright pink.

'Well, in actual fact,' explained the Parson, 'you could have said your posterior, or your derriere, your hind cheeks or even your ...' 

'Shut up! you blithering idiot!' I shouted. 'Can't you see you've arrested the wrong man?'

'Would you like to lay a complaint, Madam?' asked PC Mywords, totally ignoring me.

'I most certainly do! He kicked my Honey Puff too!'

'He kicked your WHERE???' 

[itsmeagain]

' honey puff'.

'Major Flowers I  am arresting you for the kicking of a female's honey puff, contrary to section 53.865432.87654.09887 of the Criminal Injustice against the person act, 1987.  Sub part 5.8.'

'Hold on Officer. As a member of the clergy , may I intervene on behalf of the esteemed, the Holy and entirely (dis]honourable Major, he's a veteran of the ban landmines in Eritrea caucus, the Give a Bit Back assault on Mmgrant poverty  in Myanmar and South Euthanasia , the Pretend there's no Hunger in England 2002 award, presented by Charlotte the Charlatan Fitzhubert of the Micro...'

'Enough.....I ...

Edited April 15, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

'm arresting you as well for interfering in a police investigation.' That made three of us in handcuffs. 

Just then a group of the parson's wayward youths, who'd been half-heartedly emptying litter trays and washing food dishes, burst in shouting, 'It's the rozzers! Get 'em!' and they let loose with sling shots and pea shooters. The two policemen retreated hastily and ...

[itsmeagain]

myself, 'daddy', plus Rosie, ended up falling into an undignified heap on the floor, while the parson decided to make a run for it, his clanking chains being an object of scorn for  several customers at a local Tesco store.

' Please assist me', said the parson, 'but I had a bit of a mishap  involving handcuffs in a local fancy dress charity ball..and the result is, well, somewhat less than spiffing, definitely not ideal, and ..'

' So...you're not our real local vicar.. just a muppet who goes to bondage parties mid afternoon while mugs work for a living', declared  Bill Puddled, 53, a bricklayer from Brixham, ' if I ever...

Edited April 15, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

see you round here again, I'll flatten you. Now @#%& off!'

Parson Cross spluttered and stuttered in indignation at being so sorely misunderstood. Everything seemed to have gone wrong since he began associating with the cat cafe. Here he was nobly standing up for the esteemed Major Flowers and all he got for his pains was trouble with the constabulary and abuse from the working classes. He did his best to drag troubled youth out of the gutter and provide them with constructive endeavours but they showed him no respect either. He might just as well ...

[itsmeagain]

be a selfish, egotistical,  self absorbed, prat, and, were it not for an abiding , deep faith, in the ways , the works, of the Lord, he would claim benefits, drink beer, do cocaine, rip off all and sundry in business, and stand for parliament in the next election.  However, the sheer dismal thought of having to spend time alongside the likes of BJ  Johnson, Priti, and co, made him queasy.

'I am certain I read a piece where Michael Gove took a sandwich from a homeless man , as he felt hungry, when, in the eyes of the Lord, it is ' feast ye well

O righteous poor

Always welcome at God's door

If you're not so poor, but rich

Life is likely to be a bitch.'

Which, to our dear parson, meant that people will say bad things to you and worse behind your back.Only the other day he had read about the abuse wealthy footballers get due to being high profile.

Lost in reverie, God's divine plan became real, before his beady blue eyes, and so he failed to see...

Edited April 16, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

PC Disorderly approaching, breathing heavily and clutching his side. Of a rather rotund physique, with a marked cake surplus around his middle, he managed to gasp out, 'Hold *puff* up! Come to *puff* take your *puff* handcuffs *puff* off.' 

'Praise be! My faith, though less than a mustard seed and moving no mountains, has nevertheless been rewarded. The Good Lord has seen fit to release me from my bondage, part the stormy waters of the Red Sea and will lead me to the Promised Land. Hallelujah!'

Once Disorderly caught his breath, he explained that ...

[itsmeagain]

the Major had accused Johnny Revolting of running a house of ill repute, however the Major was assumed , currently, to have taken leave of his senses.

As a man of the cloth, asked Disorderly,  what would Jesus do in the circumstances..?..

'Let's look at it this way..I have been a parson for 30 years and I can justly report that the best course of action is to take a line of  least resistance.

Never let circumstances get you down..now..Disgusting is no criminal..Mr Disgusting ain't no criminal, that much is certain..as to whether Daddy Flowers is deranged, heaven only knows..tell you what ..I will go see him , wearing my spiritual compass round my neck, and I will ascertain for you how he's faring these days..I ought not believe it should help but oh God,I do....'

Disorderly, always happy to delegate police work to priests, assented. Following Tuesday, a knock at the Major's door at 2pm.

'Who the veritable blazes..at this damned , tarnation bound wreck of a time..??', asked Major Flowers..'Why...

Edited April 22, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

do you all hound me so? Is a man to get no peace? Cats caterwauling, deranged dogs, Revolting rotters, pesky Parsons and bothersome boys in blue. Where does it all end, that's what I want to know.' The Major clutched at his hair, which didn't really have enough spare for that kind of treatment.

'Dear Major, you're merely suffering from the ill effects of stress and overwork. What you need is a complete rest, and I know just the place.'

'Do you really think,' asked the Major pathetically ...

[itsmeagain]

'that the benefits of rigidly adhered to Tai Chi, 4 times a week, with two seshes on each 3rd Sunday, shall assist me in counteracting the wear and tear of everyday life..?'

The parson cautioned against Tai chi, ' one cannot trust the heathen nations, especially the Communists..only last week your dear son in law espoused a fearful mix of Stalinised Marxian economics, rehashed Sufi Islam, and Proudhonesque anarchism...I felt so aghast I reached for the Anadin immediately.  Never mind. Give Jesus a try..'

' I am , dear parson, somewhat prone to giving Jesus a try.. as for that man, he's no son in law of mine. I will again ask the police to take action..I say, Vicar, you still have your handcuffs on..my neighbour Reg Bullblock, a personal trainer,  sawed mine off..'

'Well you see it's a rather delicate scenario old bean..the Old Bill lost track of me.....

Edited April 19, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

...very out of shape he is. I gave up waiting for him to find the handcuff keys he'd dropped somewhere along the way. So I thought I'd find me boys, they're expert in the art of lock-picking, bless 'em. Now you just come with me and I'll introduce you to an old friend of mine, Maud Heliotrope, she runs a retreat for ...

[itsmeagain]

ageing servicemen such as you..I feel ...'

''God's sakes man,do take off those diabolical cuffs..I am not associating with you unless you let my  neighbour cut them off. Let me give him a bell...Hank..yes it's me Major..bring the bolt cutters..I've a vicar in handcuffs and don't want to cause any unwanted attention..'

' I'll be right over', declared Hank,carrying a 

[poppy]

seriously substantial pair of bolt cutters, equipped to despatch the largest of locks.

'Gazooks, man, watch where you're waving that great big thing around!'

'Now don't yous fret, Padre, me'll 'ave you out o' tha int jiffy.' He tapped the side of his nose and with a loud chuckle added, 'Tha soul o' discretion, tha's me, you boys and yon bedroom games.'

The Vicar bridled and retorted indignantly...

 

[itsmeagain]

'now I do caution you, in the name of the Higher One, that all or any references to homosexuality, or any such, will lead you to be ..' 

'Hom..?..no, I think..OK, lemme say I love a  good shindig like any bloke..Madame Cruella on Shoreditch,  is my go to..'

'How dare you..  😤 may I have her name and address? Such reprehensible conduct will be wiped out..', said Major F, writing name and number down , before declaring, ' now Vicar, don't tell my daughter but am off to tell Madame I am ringing the police..-'.

Checking he had his bank card, he dialled..

''Hello, Cruella house', said a camp, hoarse, whispering presence, 

Edited April 22, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

'Come up and see me sometime.'

This being a family forum, we'll draw a polite veil over what occurred between Cruella and Major F.  But suffice it to say that the police did become involved, not at the request of the Major but rather in the form of a raid on an unlicensed premises. He was caught in a most compromising position and found himself once again sporting a pair of sturdy handcuffs.

Being allowed to make one phone call, he rang ...

[itsmeagain]

his dear daughter, Rosie Flowers. ' Yes now, what what..I say, I am in a spot of bother down here in the police 🚔 station and, oh Rosalyn, daddy requires assistance from you if one be rash enough to ask for it..I was in a brothel, only I thought brothel meant a German type soup den, a bit like in Schopenhauer' s cult classic, Essen di zuppen, lower der reason.' If you ain't a clue, read German lit..Next minute, PC Bulldog and PC Rottweiler, carry me out, moi still protesting my innocence,  ' oh it's a den of vice, I come down on Boxing day each year, confessed. Bulldog..and I..Rosalyn..? Are you..? '

'OMG daddy..what on earth..

Edited April 23, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

are you talking about! You're not making any sense and your words are all garbled. Have you been drinking or something? Oh no! You haven't been ...'

'Here give me the phone,' I said. 'Now Major, let me speak to the Fuzz.'

'Who's fuzzy? Are you calling me fuzzy, you impertinent whippersnapper? I'll have you know ...'

I hung up on him. 'Oh dear, we seem to have been cut off. Never mind ... he'll ring back.'

'But where is he?' wailed Rosie.