Continue the story.....

[poppy]

streaming nose.

'I fink I'm coming downth wiv la grippe,' I groaned.

'Tummy trouble, old man? What you need is a good dose of bicarb. Sort you out in a jiffy!'

'Noth, la grippe!' I snapped, 'Ith French for influenza.'

'Well in that case, what you need is a hot toddy and bed. You shouldn't go wandering round in the rain spreading your germs everywhere! Most inconsiderate! I'm bally glad I didn't share my umbrella with you now!'

I glowered at her, 'I was fine until you ...

[itsmeagain]

intruded upon a straightforward conversation between me and an old man, well I'll be damned, you needed to.. .

[poppy]

put your oar in, didn't you!'

'Female perspective, don't you know. Got to balance these things up or else you men think you run the show.'

I harumphed. I hoped Rosie would show me more sympathy and ...

[itsmeagain]

, that in mind, ☎️ rang her up.

A strange voice responded; croaky, old, woman type voice, reminding me of my great grandmother. 

'Yessssss....well dear, she is sorting out this coal bunker for me, and heaven only knows why.....she, err, puts up with..down, Molly, down, good girl...'

'Rosie, snap out of it...

Edited April 29 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

and stop fooling around!'

'What's that, dear? You've stopped fooling around? I'm glad to hear it. And about time too. I've been saying it was time... Molly, that's not nice! Spit it out, Molly that's just dis ...'

'Who am I speaking to?' I asked.

'Don't be silly, dear, it's me, your Great Aunt Ermintrude, of course! Now Willy, when are you coming home to help with the coal bunker?'

I hung up. Wrong number. Silly old bat. I redialed Rosie. 

'Johnny, you better come home. I think the baby's ...

 

 

[itsmeagain]

on her merry little...oooooooo the veritable, Dickensian, pain, ...aaaaaahhhhhh'

Feeling responsive and responsible, I scurried amicably home, running

[poppy]

the whole way. I arrived puffing and panting, totally winded and stood doubled over trying to recover from stitch.

'Oooooh ...ahhhh ...' I moaned, 'It hurts!'

'Of course it does!' snapped Rosie, 'I'm in labour! Call a taxi!'

A nervous taxi driver zoomed us to Blooming Babies Maternity Home and a nurse met us at the door.

'Ms Revolting-Flowers is it? Do come in and we'll check how baby is coming along. Wait there,' she instructed me with a very unfriendly glare, I felt.

Ten minutes later they returned.

'False alarm, a touch of wind. Could be weeks yet. Try not to waste our time again!'

However, in the taxi back home ...

[itsmeagain]

I telephoned ☎️  Russell Fillmycoffers, head of Blooming Babies nursing homes. This man was an ex gym member at my gym, we spent many an hour slugging tea and reminiscing about the girls we both dated at Uni .

After the frightful service at the maternity home, I said to his answer machine ,'Johnny Revolting needs help here , we had the most obscenely gross harridan, a nurse not identified by name, but the one with a pet lip, treating my wife like a piece of faeces, ring me...'

Well, what an.....

Edited May 2 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

absolute waste of time that was! No sooner had I hung up when Rosie started groaning again.

'Johnny,  I'm sure something's happening now ....Ahhhhh...'

'Darling, she said it was just wind and it could be weeks, just relax and ...'

Rosie gave me the most evil look and through gritted teeth hissed, 'My waters have broken and I feel like pushing, you *person of dubious parentage*!'

'Oh hell! Are you sure? What should I do?' I panicked. 'I know, boil lots of water and get towels. That's what they always do in books. Just hold on while I ...

'JOHNNY!!!' she shrieked, ...

Edited May 3 by poppy

[itsmeagain]

stop being a wet behind the ears, lily livered wimp for Jove' sake, and get me to a bladdy labour ward..'

Our alert taxi driver, Sarfraz, zoomed warily and at speed of light through some grimy, grotty, gruesome streets, with bookmakers, loan shark offices, and takeaways offering stewed Assyrian soup with crusty dry bread, and , finally, he pulled up outside a grotty office. 

'Well sir, here we are..only Labour ward left in our capital now Reform have taken over..'

'Christ blaze humanity in fire and soak it in flood, how blithering an imbecile must you be, I am having a sprog here....aaaaaaahhhhh", declared Rosalyn, her sweet 

Edited May 3 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

temperament, usually so evident, was now conspicuous in it's absence! 

'I'm going to murder you, Johnny, but not until I've cut off your ...'

Sarfraz took one frightened look at her, screamed and fled, leaving us alone in the taxi.

'I can't wait any longer!' shrieked Rosie.

'HELP! HELP!' I yelled, 'MY WIFE IS HAVING A BABY! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!'

Just then ...

 

[itsmeagain]

PC Sophie Quinn, and PC Iam Aclown, were marching to McDonalds to buy nutritious,  wholesome food, when one of them saw a commotion 

Edited May 5 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

pick up their daily free Big Mac, large fries and chocolate shake in exchange for patrolling the area.

''Allo, 'allo, 'allo! Wat's going on 'ere?' demanded PC Aclown. 

Rosie let out another loud moan.

'Get out!' he shouted, grabbing me and dragging me out of the taxi. 'Get yer 'ands up, turn round, up against the wall!'

He handcuffed me and when I tried to explain what was going on he told me to shut up.

Rosie and I were now bawling in unison.

Fortunately, PC Quinn quickly ascertained...

 

[itsmeagain]

a female was in distress, occasioned by labour, ( hold your horses, all you who cry ,' by the Tories', since you are wrong, as I mean pregnancy, not our esteemed government. )

'PC Quinn, urgent  ambulance 🚑  for Rosie Revolting -Flowers, she's in labour.'

Rosie told me to get ready to lift her from the abandoned taxi, but PC Aclown declared, 

Edited May 6 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

that I was to stay exactly where I was until he ascertained I wasn't a threat. He intended to book me for the theft of one taxi, contravening excessive noise standards, possible assault of a female person and disorderly conduct.

'But that's ridiculous!' I exclaimed, but he obviously had no intention of backing down.

'You're going to get a law suit over this!' I shouted.

Next thing I knew he'd tasered me and when I came round ...

[itsmeagain]

I was in a hospital bed, next to Rosie in her maternity bed, and she was holding the most petite bundle of joy......

[poppy]

I'd ever laid my eyes on.

'Oh Rosie, you clever girl you! But what happened? The last thing I remember is that Clown idiot pointing a taser at me.

Are you alright? Is the baby alright? Is it a boy or a girl?'

Rosie looked tired, but very pleased with herself.

'We're all fine, and we have a brand new baby girl.'

'She's absolutely gorgeous! But did you make it to hospital?'

'No, PC Quinn delivered her in the taxi. I couldn't wait any longer. She said it was her first time, but she'd always wanted to.'

'What a champ!' I said, 'Have you thought of any names?'

'Well ...

[itsmeagain]

Sophie, in honour of the lovely PC Quinn, who, by the way, established that, ' thank God you aren't having quins'.'

Such humour, such gay abandon, such a time...of philosophical endeavour,,quiet reflection on the ills of the world, mixed

 

Edited May 9 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

with joy, relief and a huge sense of pride in Rosie.

The only fly in the ointment was a visit by a loud and aggressive PC Aclown who issued me with a court date for a litany of trumped up charges. Fortunately, PC Quinn had been wearing a body camera and I was fairly confident all charges would be dropped. I fully intended to lay a complaint about 'The Clown' and sue for wrongful arrest and assault. 

It gave us great pleasure when nursing staff asked him to leave and security escorted him off the premises because he was disturbing all the mothers and babies.

Rosie was very tired so I headed ...

 

[itsmeagain]

to the canteen, I had spud soufflé, potato pie, vegan cheeze sarnies and a pear.

I went to check on Rosie plus little Sophie, her wispy jet black hair and little black eyes so gorgeous,  it was all......

Edited May 10 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

I could do to resist waking her up to give her a great big cuddle.

'Visiting time is over, Mr Revolting.'  A buxom matron, Hortense Humphrey, bustled in and started plumping up pillows, straightening the bed and generally clattering around.

'Mother and baby need their rest you know,' she boomed, making little Sophie start in her sleep and waking Rosie, who had just dozed off. I kissed them both and said I'd be back first thing tomorrow. 

'Darling, will you ring Daddy and give him the good news?'

Rosie asked sleepily.

'OK,' I answered reluctantly, I couldn't very well ...

 

 

[itsmeagain]

deny her the request, though it certainly struck me that it  was not impossible for her to press his number on the keypad of her phone.

After being sat there for hours, I toddled off home,my mind filled with images of China, Iran, Argentina, Dolomites, Burkina Faso, Bangladesh,  and North Macedonia. The latest book I was perusing was fantastic,  being Women Travel, a Rough Guide special.

The rebellious nature of the women within the pages, made me proud; after all, a bloke who loathes rules meets a book where the protagonists do, is a match made in heaven.

Two strong cuppas later, a hard day's work was ended and I lay on the sofa, Man United v Barcelona on the tv , me asleep , the world, I think, at peace.

The drrrrrrrinnnnggg of the phone at 11pm , was Rosie, who asked if I had ☎️ rung daddy to relay the great news.

'Aaaahhh, poor gent was asleep, I tried several times', I said, believing she'd never know the selfish truth, and, after all, it....

[poppy]

had been an exhausting and dramatic couple of days.
She said I must visit him him first thing tomorrow then, his phone was probably out of order.
I reluctantly limped there at about 1 pm the next day. My leg where I'd been tased, was giving me gyp.
The Major immediately demanded, when told the glad tidings,  when I intended to 'make an honest woman of her'. 
'Weddings cost a lot of money, you know,' I said, hoping he'd cough up with the readies.
'Nonsense! What's wrong with a registry office?  I won't have any granddaughter of mine being called  nullius filius!'
I retorted that we had no intention of calling her such a mouthful and we'd decided on Sophie.'
'I thought, under the circumstances, you'd name her Regina, after me!'
I raised an eyebrow, 'I didn't realise ...

[itsmeagain]

you are royalty, as you  aren't  actually able...to show a sign of regality.. your long suffering daughter,  in throes of debt via the cattery,  the Tory induced cost of living crisis...'

'Stop right there old boy...now, me and Rosalyn's mother, we once knew a Bhutanese royal called Sprig o' Thistree, and he solemnly blessed us in a tree hut in Sikkim, telling us we possess....

Edited May 15 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

royal blood. We were henceforth known as 
'Mi dkar len pa' which we understood translated means 'Revered White Man'.

'Doesn't cut any ice with me, mate!' I said, 'How about coughing up some readies so a few of my mates can wet the babies head?'

'I've yet to view the new addition. I strongly suspect you aren't even the father. Rosie wouldn't be stupid enough to reproduce anything in your likeness!'

'Are you saying ...