poppy Posted March 22 Posted March 22 Munchkin Morsel Munchies, a cwt kindly supplied by the company because of our considerable support for their products. As much as the kitties hoed into their tasty provender (well, I assumed it was tasty, I hadn't actually sampled it myself. It had a rather offputting odour reminiscent of wet dog, with a hint of sardine) it had the rather unfortunate effect of ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted March 22 Author Posted March 22 (edited) making Grandmaster Flash and his tabby sister Ethel, break wind for England, one memorable day this caused Mrs Trump of Caithness, to declare ' never did my nose suffer more trauma than today..the trumping of the two cats, at a dinner table..enough to make a woman feel sick'. A letter to The Times, outlining why pig feet ought never be in cat food, led to swift dietary changes for Grandy and Eth, who were now having boiled carrots on dry food to stop the windy element. 'Drrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiinnnnnnnnggggg' went my phone. 'Rosie, it's you..?...well am just putting Tolkien into the bin..the book bin..' 'Well I just had the most annoying encounter. Clyde Piper's father, Bluenose Piper, rang and declared that we are actually legally bound to keep his daft son on , as he has a health condition..' 'Never mind..I thought you'd rehired the little twit?' 'I did , and well, Edited March 23 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted March 24 Posted March 24 ...well ... he wanted me to leave you and run away with him to his mother's cupboard under the stairs at a Professor Guzzlegrub's, or something equally ghastly, ramshackle hovel!' 'Did he, by the powers! The little worm! We'll soon see about that, health condition or not!' 'But Johnny, darling, what are we to do? We need extra outside money, but I need help in the cafe as well.' 'How about we ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted March 24 Author Posted March 24 (edited) go and put an advert in the local newsagent window?' An hour later, Mark Clutcher, 32, was walking past Copy and Paste news and tobacco, when he spied, via a monocle, the following: '0kay, cat lovers! Can you spare 20 hours weekly to assist Johnny Revolting and Rosie Flowers, in keeping our cats well fed, healthy and happy.We pay good brass so ring now. Previous experience preferred.' Mark rang the office, Rosie said, 'yes, we are looking for a 🐈 😻 🐈⬛️ 😺 man to come and do his sparkling best ..it's Edited March 24 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted March 25 Posted March 25 a good time for you to pop around now, if that suits.' 'Topping! I'll be there in a jiffy.' Rosie offered him a coffee when he arrived. 'Spiffing! A quick Dirty Chai, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle would be simply marvellous, my dear.' Lordy! I thought, rolling my eyes, one of those! But Rosie's eyes lit up. 'I'm an aficionado of specialty coffees myself. Come and look at my ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted March 25 Author Posted March 25 Peruvian Gold, Columbine Spice, or Brazilian King, and I am certain you'd be hooked in five...' 'I daresay, I do..and does one enjoy..reading?', said Clutcher, fiddling his blue felt hat as he spoke, ' me I just adore Jane.. Quote
poppy Posted March 27 Posted March 27 (edited) Austen!' 'I haven't heard of her,' replied Rosie, 'Johnny's the reader round here. But I did love the books about Jane, Anne, Dick and George. There was a dog called Timmy, too.' 'I think you'll find that was Julian,' said Clutcher, rather looking down his nose. 'No, I'm pretty sure it was Timmy,' said Rosie, frowning. 'No, Jane was Julian.' He was obviously a stickler for accuracy. 'But there were two boys and two girls! That makes three boys and one girl, four boys if you count Timmy. It wouldn't be fair to make Jane the only girl on their adventures. They'd expect her to do all the dishes, all the housework, all the ...' This was just too good to intervene. Clutcher started tearing at his hair in frustration and ... Edited March 27 by poppy 1 Quote
itsmeagain Posted March 27 Author Posted March 27 (edited) please Rosamunde, do read the flyer for the promotional push for the Dick and George books. From memory, I quote, 'Timmy was often mistaken for a girl, such long golden tresses, so reminiscent of 1970s footballers, all skill, no brains, it is quite a false dichotomy to maintain, one one hand, that this was.. Edited March 27 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted March 27 Posted March 27 (edited) a beautiful blond so therefore, to put it crudely, in parlance you would understand, as 'thick as a brick'.' 'Tull, I believe,' I interjected. He ignored me. Rosie's bottom lip came out in her sullen, obstinate look. 'Timmy was a DOG!' she muttered. 'I think, old chap,' I said giving him a hearty whack on the back, sending his monocle flying, 'you'll find we're talking Blyton here, not Hermann Hesse!' 'In that case ... 'Yes, in that case ... time you were off. Nice to meet you, sorry you're off so soon. Don't call us, we'll call you and all that jazz,' and I shot him out the door. Our next would-be employee ... Edited March 27 by poppy Quote
itsmeagain Posted March 28 Author Posted March 28 (edited) was Felicia Goodbye, 21, a receptionist from Barking. She wanted to know when winter begins, so that she knew when to restart her antidepressants again, ' I suffer from SAD, and it causes too much hassle..now where are these lush kitties?", and at that, began smooching and caressing paws and tails, noses and legs, as proffered by our feline companions swarming around the place. ' Tea?', asked Rosie, 'we have Assam, Darjeeling, Sleepy, ...Hyperactive Blend, Soya tea, lemon, lemongrass, King of Surinam, Nigeria special...' 'Lemongrass please..I adore tea', she said, cuddling Morticia the tabby and white, who lapped up this adoring female's love. I presented a tray of salty peanuts, quite oily, and a box of home made chocolate biscuits ,made from cereals plus 🍒 cherries . These went down a real storm, and soon we said hello to young Felicia as our very newest staff member. First thing she did was to empty Edited March 28 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted March 29 Posted March 29 the litter trays, a job Rosie and I detested and always argued over whose turn it was. I had a feeling this was all going to work out well. After my third large cup of tea, half a dozen cherry oatmeal biscuits and filling my pocket with salted peanuts, I meandered off to the Cosy Book Nook, looking forward to catching up with Petunia and Bunty. I should just about time my arrival for lunch and I let my thoughts dwell on ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted March 29 Author Posted March 29 soya marge, oozing from ginormous baked spuds, tofu curry with dried up fire chillis from Thailand, tea, vegan ice cream,and the mellifluous influence of Petunia, my 2nd admirer. Not that.... Quote
poppy Posted March 30 Posted March 30 I intended any disloyalty to Rosie. But it was always nice to have some other adoring female to admire and flatter me. Rosie knew me too well now to put me on any pedestal. I bowled in full of bounce and self-confidence, only to discover a strange and singularly unattractive male behind the counter. 'Who are you?' I demanded. 'Oh Johnny, let me introduce... Quote
itsmeagain Posted March 30 Author Posted March 30 (edited) Siegfried Palmoff, our corporate legal entrepreneur and medico legal executive, LLB, Phys Ed, BSc, MLa, I D I O T.....he really is a charming, swell, insufferably attractive old bean...' 'Hi', I said, sticking ... Edited March 30 by itsmeagain 1 Quote
poppy Posted March 31 Posted March 31 (edited) my chest out and attempting to look staunch. He grabbed my hand in a crushing grip and wrung it with the strength of a beefy washerwoman who'd spent her whole life throttling the life out of unsuspecting laundry. Trying not to wince, my voice went up an octave and I squeaked out 'How do.' 'Thiegfried likth to pop in from time to time to checkth up on uth, make thure we're not cooking the bookth,' giggled Petunia. 'Brilliant mind! Absolutely brilliant!' boomed Bunty, full of unmitigated admiration. Siegfried didn't bother to deny this, merely inspecting his manicured fingernails and flicking an imaginery speck of dust off his sleeve. 'I weally only dwopped by to weturn a book on statuwary wights and the judicawy.' Oh lordy, there were two of them now! How on earth did they manage to ... Edited April 1 by poppy 1 Quote
itsmeagain Posted April 1 Author Posted April 1 find such luminaries? A God fearing, ethical,all round good man, [that's me, by the way), surrounded by, well, insufferably intense buffoons..what is a guy supposed to think? My mind turned to Donald Trump; is he trying to vaporise decent souls and turn out Siegfried and cohorts similar, for some type of fascist parlour game? Truly, I failed Quote
poppy Posted April 2 Posted April 2 to comprehend the depths the cheezal man will sink to! 'Must wush away, other wegulars to dwop in on. Toodle pip.' He fluttered a manicured hand and exited in a wave of nauseous after-shave. 'Where did you find Siegfried?' I asked, at a complete loss to see the attraction. 'I meth him at elocushun lethonth. You probably haven't notithed but we have slight lispths. I have trouble with etheth and he has trouble with rths.' 'Never noticed a thing, old bean!' bellowed Bunty. I began to wonder if she ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted April 2 Author Posted April 2 (edited) was somewhat Machiavellian in intent, what with her frizzled grey curls, her lank, grey fingers, stodgy , pudgy , complexion, and overbearing manner; is Bunty really doing it all for a laugh? ' What do you want me to do?', I asked, as Petunia folded.... Edited April 2 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted April 3 Posted April 3 flyers advertising a literary event to be held at The Cozy Book Nook and featuring Professor Pompillius Omicron, who was going to give a lecture titled Psychoanalytic Criticism of Post-structural Literary Contexts. 'Could you hand theth out to patherth by and pathe them on wallth pleath?' 'Do you think there'll be much ... 1 Quote
itsmeagain Posted April 3 Author Posted April 3 call for esoteric navel gazing, in the guise of psychoanalytic literary criticism?', I asked, to be met with 'Oh yeth there ith..you thee, the problem ith, too many of uth are immune to thothal inthercourthe, ith fine points, and the interthtitheth between Freudian conjuncthivithith, Lloydian thubjechthivithm, and microcellular cardiogram.. only..' 'Tea , everyone?', asked a man identifying himself as Barnaby Rudge, 'after all, there's only so .... Quote
poppy Posted April 4 Posted April 4 many literary pontifications one mere mortal can take.' Now here was a chap after my own heart. I thrust out my hand (which had almost recovered from Siegfreid's punishment ) and introduced myself as new employee, thoroughly sympathetic with his views and a fellow brew addict. 'Delighted to have a kindred spirit along,' he grinned. 'Biccie anyone?' I nodded, 'What exactly,' ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted April 5 Author Posted April 5 ..is your tea? Do you like Japanese cherry..a succulent tasty blend of exotic green Japanese.... Quote
poppy Posted April 6 Posted April 6 tamaryokucha and cherry blossoms? Full of antioxidants and Vitamins A, C and E and other health benefits.' 'I'm more of a builder's brew, myself, but each to their own,' Barnaby grinned. 'I'll try one of your cherry blothum and tamakucthery onth, Johnny,' said Petunia, fluttering her eyelashes at me, 'Thounds heavenly!' 'Load of nonsense!' declared Bunty, 'Good old strong black tea is all a body needs! Stand a spoon in it. Britain was built on it, gives a fellow a backbone, don't you know. Builds character. Can't be doing with all this namby pamby ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted April 7 Author Posted April 7 (edited) , vegan candy, fake stuff. Do what British people do best, drink tea and slag each other off when we are not together..or complain about the weather, immigrants, the state of the roads, price of a postage stamp, state of the Prime Minister, lack of creche facilities, no bacon in Tesco today, you name it, Britain does it best. Have you heard the one about old age pensioners in Cheam having to queue so far down Glib street, they didn't get money for a bacon sarnie til 2pm...foreign visitors watched, awestruck, as UK shown up for... Edited April 8 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted April 9 Posted April 9 the lengths some people will go to get a bacon sarnie. Some heartless person even observed, 'Let them eat cake! Pensioners were dropping like flies! It was at least two hours since their last cuppa. That was what the problem was. I could have told them!' It was pointless to argue with Bunty, she had one of those overbearing personalities. But for all that, you couldn't help ... Quote
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