poppy Posted January 11 Posted January 11 but he put it down to a leaky and loose exhaust in imminent danger of parting company with it's under carriage, and blithely dumped his load onto the scrap heap. Then he drove off leaving our Mr Butts floundering around amongst rotting cabbages, nappies and other unmentionable detritus. For some reason, I suspect a lack of British phlegm and stoicism, this knocked the stuffing out of him and any thought of further retribution completely evaporated. What happened next will ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 11 Author Posted January 11 remain lost to history..and given the paucity of posts in this excellent story,it seems it's modern life too. Never mind, I thought, sat at a cafe window, ' all is mere.. Quote
poppy Posted January 13 Posted January 13 superfluous irrelevancies, much like the wording of this sentence. After my soy caramel macchiato topped with a sprinkling of cinnamon and a zucchini and sundried tomato, vegan muffin, I felt I was ready to face Rosie and perhaps twist the truth just a tinsy bit by saying I'd sorted out Buttface and he wouldn't be troubling us again. Women are always impressed by my mastery in these kind of situations. After all ... 1 Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 13 Author Posted January 13 it's not all men who manage to run a thriving cattery, keep electricity bills down to 3k a quarter, and read a pile of books like they're going out of fashion..nils optimum, nils endeavourem, or something akin. 'Sunita, may I acquire an extra vegan sausage roll, I kind of love... Quote
poppy Posted January 13 Posted January 13 the flaky puff pastry, baked to just the right degree of crispiness and golden brownness. And the little bits of mock bacon, tiny bursts of delectable flavour to tickle the tastebuds, and all the various herbs and spices. A veritable potpourri of delight! What seasonings do you actually use, Sunita?' I asked. Now gentle readers may suspect I'm procrastinating with all this hyperbole, and using delaying tactics to postpone the inevitable 'little chat' with Rosie when I reach home? But, of course, I'm really just... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 14 Author Posted January 14 showing artistic, creative licence, a mix of intelligence and fortitude , and hoping someone, somewhere, laughs or, more likely, avoids crying when 📚 reading it. 🫖 I went home. She had two questions for me; where's the Dickens tome; and what happened to Slugger the Bugger Thugger, you know, the one who ended up in landfill? Is he out? 'Out of circulation obviously, why, thinking of inviting him round for cheese and mash, were you?', I asked, sarcasm being my highest level of wit. 'And the Dickens tome is here', I said, reaching into the cupboard and pulling out a huge box with it in. 'Oh excellent, that'll do nicely to sell at Sothebys, it'll earn a fortune for the kitties' 😸 😊 , she opined, gaily skipping about the ... 1 Quote
poppy Posted January 16 Posted January 16 place like some kind of over-excited bush baby. She narrowly missed Jigglybutt, who was minding his own business perched on a fluffy pouffe the cats used as a scratching post. He hissed, arched his back and bristled like a bottlebrush in alarm. Rosie was expanding rapidly now and I told her she really needed to take it easy, for everyone's sakes. But of course she ignored me and went her own sweet way. She sometimes reminded me very much of ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 16 Author Posted January 16 a manic woman, which, actually, is no bad thing..well, if you can keep the manic side in moderation..cos here she is,spinning like a whirling dervish on catnip, unaware of the Dickens tome possibly having been stolen from a rich man. Oh please God, help in my hour of ... Quote
poppy Posted January 16 Posted January 16 peril. 'Darling,' I said, in what I hoped was my most winning way, 'we won't go to Southerby's (they'd be onto me in a nanosecond!) I know a very knowledgeable chappie who will give us a much better deal. Southerby's make you pay a HUGE commission. Let me go to him now and see what he says.' 'I'll come too,' said Rosie, something I'd feared she'd say, but I'd just have to risk it. Del Grundy was hardly what you'd call a ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 17 Author Posted January 17 responsible or upright bloke but he does sit upright at times, eg when swigging cola, smoking fags, or counting money. Sure that he does, I began trembling as we arrived at the hole known as his shop. Quote
poppy Posted January 18 Posted January 18 'It might pay you to wait outside, darling,' I said to Rosie, 'he's an eccentric sort of a chap, a bit on the unpredictable side, if you know what I mean. Salt of the earth, always gives me a fantastic deal, but a bit funny about women.' 'How do you mean, 'funny about women'? Doesn't he like them or something?' 'Ummm ... something like that.' I thought it best not to apprise her of the fact that he was actually a tough, womanising, dipsomaniac.' 'I'll butter him up,' said Rosie, ever the optimist. Before I could prevent her, she'd pushed open the door and marched in. Now I was really ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 18 Author Posted January 18 (edited) in the doo doo. 'Oi moi lav, wass toim o doy fer a lavverly poice loik yoo ter cam flounderin frew me dorez, cor blimey yore lavvely', said Del, fat , grubby,scruffy black beard, unwashed, smelled of beer and fags. ' We were hoping you'd be able to help us, in a pecuniary way, if you will', said Rosie, ' and in light of this economic crisis, I would hope you have the easy going geniality yet stiff upper lip fortitude of all top Brits these days..' ' Oi certainly can moi sweety poi, is it.... Edited January 18 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted January 18 Posted January 18 lunchtoime yet? I'll tak yoo out fer a slap-up feed, jus yoo an moi, and yoo kin tell moi all about it.' 'I was informed you didn't like the ladies,' said Rosie, ever straight to the point. I cringed. 'Don't loike the ladies! Oo eva told you that? 'im I spose!' He slapped his leg and laughed uproariously. His voice boomed out sending stale beery fumes round the room. I wished I'd brought earplugs and a gasmask. 'My wife's in a rather delicate condition at present, Del, perhaps after the happy event?' 'Looksta moi loike tha 'appy events already occurred loike,' he guffawed, winking at me and leering at Rosie. 'Not till later in the year,' Rosie gave him a dazzling smile, 'but I'll invite you to the baby shower.' I groaned. 'Now about this ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 19 Author Posted January 19 book. We have a rather large 📖 book...Dickens..and we'd like you to value it for us and render fair recompense..Johnny?' 'Here it is, the very best original copy of David Copper field, with Great Expectations,..' 'Yes oi ave groit expectoishuns too... Quote
poppy Posted January 20 Posted January 20 I bet you do! I thought. Great expectations of a whacking great profit! But at least he wouldn't be looking into it's provenance and there'd be no comeback. 'How much do you reckon,' I asked. 'First edition, good condition.' 'Hhmmm ... no pin'oles in tha margins, sum wear, not published in 1861 ...I'll giv you eight.' 'Eight thousand!!?' Rosie's eyes lit up and she bounced in her chair which creaked alarmingly under her burgeoning weight. Del let out one of his explosive guffaws which had us recoiling once again. 'Yer dead funny! Yer killin' moi! Oi won't be ableter shift it fer more then ... (Del has a rather erratic accent, I'm afraid 🤣) 1 Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 20 Author Posted January 20 8 quid..yer see, oi iz a pure Cockney geezer..n vough vis iz agad book, iss ardly gonah roise ve roof off yerr avridge ouse wiv excitement is it..?' 'Del, the pages 123 to 129 are extremely raunchy , full of women like.me getting ready for the shower...' 'Ooooo naa vatsahnds az if iss worf a gander..wares me glassiz?' Quote
poppy Posted January 21 Posted January 21 His eyes goggled, I'd thought this doctored book would appeal to him. 'Dat's a roight bitofa Bobby Dazzler! I'll give yoo 800 Nelson Eddies, roight now!' Rosie whispered to me, 'Tell him we can't be taking any Nelson Eddie's, whatever they are. We want cash!' 'Make it a round grand and we'll have a deal,' I told Del. 'Done!' and he proffered a pudgy and greasy hand. I shook it happily, then Del riffled round in his desk drawer pulling out a wad of money. He counted out ten grubby and crumpled hundred pound notes, but money's money whatever the state of it, so I ... (I don't know if it helped me at all to know Del's a Cockney 🤣) 1 Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 22 Author Posted January 22 took it, and stuffing it into my coat, rushed , sweating, from the grubby hole. Oh how I prayed he doesn't get to find out the raunchy bits had been taken from an old Grattan catalogue and weren't part of the book...after all, can you even imagine the rage when the nugget sussed out that he's been had..hahaha all so sweet 😋 for me, which is all Quote
poppy Posted January 23 Posted January 23 I'm worried about. Rosie clapped her hands in excitement, 'Goody goody gum drops! Now we can buy some new kitty beds and new kitty toys and stock up on their favourite Munchkin Morsels and get in a ton of kitty litter. And pay lots of bills. Then, of course, there's the baby. We need to start collecting baby gear, Johnny. I saw the cutest little bassinet, all white wicker and broderie anglais and it had an automatic rocker so baby ... My mind drifted off. This was exactly why I hadn't wanted to take Rosie with me. No sooner had I pocketed a few pounds and she was off on a spending spree! And worst of all, she knew exactly how much I'd made! I'd really been hoping this time to get a new ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 23 Author Posted January 23 copy of Iconography Handboook: a guide for bookish people, Dickens in Doubt, by Benny Brittle, and Wayfarers of the.... Quote
poppy Posted January 23 Posted January 23 Warble Fly Whistler by Prof. Wilberforce Winstanley. The latter was a captivating little volume, outlining the life of one Wilfred Bowangler, an expert warble fly impersonator. Young Wilf had learned the art at his grandfather's knee, a prosthetic one that he'd detach and leave in a back paddock, so Wilf's warbling didn't disturb the family. He did, however, have an alarmingly effect on local fauna. Many a time ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 25 Author Posted January 25 a herd of deer went 🦌 🦌 🦌 hurtling through the streets, enthralled by Wilfy and his less than soporific 'Kingdom of Elephatns', a rousing anthem that Betty Boop, iin one of her letters, described as, simply the finest, most Quote
poppy Posted January 25 Posted January 25 uplifting and spirited rendition ever to grace the eardrums of the discerning listener. However, those purchases were out of the question for now. I did have a few more cards up my sleeve though, that Rosie was unaware of as yet. The Major possessed an extensive library and perusing it the last time we visited the old codger, I'd noticed ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 26 Author Posted January 26 a bound compendium,including an introductory frontispiece by Thomas Hardy, and a copy of Woman in White with a stand up card illustration, signed by W Collins, the very same.... Quote
poppy Posted January 26 Posted January 26 Wilkie Collins, the author (surprisingly 🤪) So with nefarious purposes in mind, I decided to pay 'dear Daddy' a visit. Relations between us had oftentimes been a trifle fraught, to say the least, so I needed an excuse to call on the old pestilence. 'Rosie, I thought I'd just pop round to your father's and pick up that ... Quote
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.