poppy Posted December 28, 2024 Posted December 28, 2024 Dickens'es.' 'What an odd shape, I've never seen one with those dimensions before. How much do you want for it? I don't imagine there's much call for a book of that size.' 'I havta admit yoir roight there, how about you giv us a cuppla ton and we'll call it quits.' I was very happy with that, but thought I'd try knocking 50 quid off and we finally agreed to one hundred and seventy-five. He threw in a large bag to protect it from the rain and I headed for the bus stop with it balanced on my shoulder. I noticed everyone giving me a wide berth, but thought nothing of it until I alighted and was met by several members of the constabulary. 'We wish to examine your body bag. We suspect you ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted December 28, 2024 Author Posted December 28, 2024 'wiv malice aforethought, ave dun kidnapping of Mr Anthony'Slothful Tony' Checkmate, a pizza delivery bloke from Aldershot. Aaah daz you ploid?', enquired PC Jack Ittin, 23, a lover of speedway and exotic marsupial creatures. In Melbourne once, he bought six Quote
poppy Posted December 30, 2024 Posted December 30, 2024 quoll, three numbats, a large wombat and a selection of bandicoots. The problem was getting them back to the UK, but he avoided immigration restrictions and quarantine by ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted December 30, 2024 Author Posted December 30, 2024 (edited) being a police officer. ' Your Superiorness, I humbly want to abase myself before you and nudge your feet with my proboscis', he said, before being given a distinction for honesty. 'I am totally innocent ', said I, grappling with the mouldy but intact behemoth of a tome inside the rucksack. 'Bladdy scholar arncha?', declared PC Ittin, ' nun o me moits nor me fellow officers can read, so wiv vat in mind, oi bid you happy Saturdoize', and off I sallied. A sweaty Rosalyn greeted Edited December 30, 2024 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted December 31, 2024 Posted December 31, 2024 me at the door. 'Whatever have you been doing?' I asked concerned at her state. 'Oh, your new potato masher arrived and I was just moving it into position.' 'Rosie! It weighs a ton, you should have left it for me!' 'Come and have a look!' she said excitedly, 'It's wonderful!' It was great that Rosie shared my passion for potatoes and the added advantage was it took her mind off ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 1 Author Posted January 1 (edited) babies and all the associated nappies, bottles, milk ,and food..the sloppy,runny mess that people are nourished upon when new to the world. In the kitchen corner, along with a sack of spuds, lay a gleaming new big spud Masher, with the logo of Spud Eater International displayed proudly on its front. ,'If you can start by washing those mucky spuds, I'll take a lie down. We're inviting people to join us for a spuds and cheese creative event, it's tomorrow at 3pm...we need us to have our thinking caps on, as it will be a very tasty..' She lost me at invites..oh no, who of the plethora of boring boors she knows,will be bouncing into our home tomorrow night. Enough, thought I, let's see if I can avoid attendance on a pretext. Thinking 🤔 back to other Edited January 1 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted January 2 Posted January 2 tedious occasions I'd avoided and the excuses I'd come up with ... they ranged from having diarrhea, being in imminent danger of being deported, accidentally setting myself on fire, to getting on a plane by mistake and ending up in some obscure airport in Liechtenstein. None of these fitted the bill. The only thing I could think of was a fake call from the Major where I needed to rush to his assistance. At a quarter to three the folowing day (why do people always INSIST on turning up early!! I just pop some emetics in their drinks as retribution, guarantees their early departure) the first vapid lot turned up. Rosie greeted them enthusiastically whilst I ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 2 Author Posted January 2 (edited) looked preoccupied in the background. Ingrid Beets, 31, fashion designer from Luton, arrived, dressed in a yellow chiffon ensemble costing 2, 000 pounds, oh great. Rosie felt the sleeves of the custard dress, longing for a job which paid enough to wear a custard coloured dress.' We have not met', Edited January 2 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted January 2 Posted January 2 breathed Ingrid, batting patently false eyelashes at me. 'No, I've been avoiding you!' I answered. That shut her up, her and her bilious American cheese dress! Who should saunter in next, but Pastor Victor Bloody Cross, flanked by two of his spotty proteges. 'Repulsive!' he bellowed, giving me a whacking great thump across the shoulder blades, causing me to choke on my martini olive, where it lodged in my windpipe. Further thumps failed to dislodge it, followed by several over violent, I felt, Heimlich manoeuvres. The olive shot out and landed in Ingrid's ample cleavage, she gave a loud braying laugh. I lay gasping on the ground. 'Darling! Are you alright?' Rosie asked, patting me all over. I saw an escape route, 'I think the mongrel's cracked me ribs! Better take a quick trip to the hospital to be on the safe side. No need for anyone to accompany me. Just carry on!' But ... 1 Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 2 Author Posted January 2 (edited) , ever the servant of the Lord, our Cross the Redeemer sallied forth, goblet in hand, all ready to get in a taxi with me when, ' I say..feeling like I could use a tinkle right now. The wine of the Lord may trickleth down unheeded otherwise ', he intoned, before rushing to the toilet. I ran down the street and was soon sat eating vegetarian samosas with chilli sauce followed by cherry cake with soya cream. ' Well that was a spot of luck', I said, hopeful Edited January 2 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted January 2 Posted January 2 that he wouldn't find me. For once things went my way. Thinking I'd gone ahead to the hospital he hopped into a taxi in hot pursuit. The rest of the party, which had swelled to about thirty now, all decided to follow suit. With drinks in one hand and bowls of mashed potato, flavoured with parsley, chives, onion, cheese and lashings of butter, in the other, they took off via any means of transport available. Not finding me at the first hospital, they continued their search of all the hospitals within a fifty kilometre radius. Seeing them all shooting past from my concealed vantage point, I ambled home for a peaceful evening of ... 1 Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 3 Author Posted January 3 reading and slugging strong tea with soya milk, whilst humming ' Fools Errand' in between riotous guffawing from me. It is so funny Quote
poppy Posted January 4 Posted January 4 (edited) (peculiar, not haha) that I didn't notice the two halfwits who'd slunk in with old cretin Cross and been left behind. I think it had something to do with their plastered state behind the chaise lounge. Surrounded by empty bottles of vodka, pinot noir and IPA's, it was obvious they'd been making free with my drinks cabinet. The only consolation was that they'd be suffering something dire in the morning. I gave each of them a kick and getting little response decided more drastic action was called for. So I ... Edited January 4 by poppy Quote
poppy Posted January 4 Posted January 4 16 hours ago, itsmeagain said: reading and slugging strong tea with soya milk, whilst humming ' Fools Errand' in between riotous guffawing from me. (While I was thinking Supertramp's 'Fool's Overture' 😂) 1 Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 4 Author Posted January 4 (edited) 6 hours ago, poppy said: (peculiar, not haha) that I didn't notice the two halfwits who'd slunk in with old cretin Cross and been left behind. I think it had something to do with their plastered state behind the chaise lounge. Surrounded by empty bottles of vodka, pinot noir and IPA's, it was obvious they'd been making free with my drinks cabinet. The only consolation was that they'd be suffering something dire in the morning. I gave each of them a kick and getting little response decided more drastic action was called for. So I ... poured a bit of bike grease liberally onto a spoon, and dollops it in to the bottles. ' Are you 2 guys ok? Do help yourself to some Pinot Biggio..I mean Griggio..or noir if such is your desire..really good oily wine..' 'Hoi moit..warez da priest? Oni if it weren't ferrim we'd a bin away by now..e tells us ter sup beer an all dem fings but weez gud..' I poured a cup of cold bike oil straight down the cretin's throat, hoping it..... Edited January 4 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted January 6 Posted January 6 would at least make him green around the gills but instead he perked right up. 'Moit!! You got any more? 'ere 'arry! Takka swiga dis!' 'arry reached out a weak and trembling arm and shakily took a gulp. His head snapped upright, his eyes appeared to rotate in opposite directions and he greedily gulped down the rest of the contents. 'Bugger the vicar, Bert, lerrus go foind a party!' And the two shot off like ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 6 Author Posted January 6 (edited) Harry and Bert, which is, after all, who they were..and probably still are. Glad to be rid of them, I settled back down at my upper window, bellowing shrieks of laughter as people bearing mashed spuds and scallions , flitted around looking for... Edited January 6 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted January 7 Posted January 7 me. It had started to snow and since most of them were thoroughly inebriated, they seemed impervious to the cold. They slipped and slid and fell all over the place and I had no end of enjoyment imagining frostbite and broken and sprained limbs. My fun was rudely interrupted when in burst ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 7 Author Posted January 7 (edited) PC Mitzel from Camberwick Green. ' Sir we have had a report of a type of rudeness from your esteemed self, towards a member of our clergy, namely that you did, on or about 14:54 on 13th inst of January, said, and I quote, ' don't come all la de da with me,you snake in the grass charlatan, or I'll play Sex Pistols for you'..is it true?' Stifling a guffaw, I Edited January 7 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted January 7 Posted January 7 enquired what law I was breaking. 'We do not allow the disrespecting of ecclesiasticals. Should such an occurrence transpire, we are duty bound to issue a stern warning. And it is against town ordinances to play subversive and obscene music in public.' Now I did guffaw, loudly and uproariously. 'Freedom of speech, copper. Now unless you can state a law I'm breaking, push off.' 'I will return with the said regulations.' As he left, Rosie returned looking very ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 8 Author Posted January 8 (edited) relieved; you see she had been propostioned by a scruffy bloke in dirty clothes, brandishing a two pound coin and claiming to be the last remaining genius of the Realm. 'Oh Johnny, I replied in a rude manner, I told him intelligence,often in short supply, leaves those with least claiming to be better than those with most; somewhat ludicrous predicament: he threw a boiled egg at me, it missed, but hit an old lady full on the wig, good job it was proper hard boiled, anyway he then said he is not really all Edited January 8 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted January 8 Posted January 8 that sorry, even though I insisted he apologise. I said my husband will make you apologise and he said he'd be around in a minute!' I was so alarmed by this news, that the fact she'd called me her husband and the fathead knew where we lived didn't even register. 'Ummm ... how big is this guy?' I enquired nervously. 'Well, pretty big, but you know what they say, brains always beats brawn.' Her faith in me was touching, but as they also say, this obviously being a day for banal proverbs, discretion is the better part of valour. So I ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 9 Author Posted January 9 (edited) decided I had missed an urgent appointment with..'The greengrocer..she had some spinach to offer us for our South American veggie fricassee , next week's special..' 'Oh I can do that..' 'No..I love spinach' , said I, grabbing my coat and running 🏃♀️ out the back door. 'Johnny do control yourself, stand like a man..you're all bloody Dickens and no damn trousers' , she wailed, while sweat streamed down my furrowed brow. An ugly big sweaty bruiser in mucky clothes shouted, 'ay moit, yaint seen a poncy geezer noim of Disgastin as yer..see oiz on a mishun to bag a noit wiv is missis but onissly eez dared to stop me..can yer help.. '' 'Well, I can give you his address...' As the bloke went looking for our very Reverend Cross, I again thought how absurdly amusing for an old twerp to... Edited January 9 by itsmeagain Quote
poppy Posted January 9 Posted January 9 have some plug-ugly turn up on his doorstep and give him a good thumping. However, I underestimated the Vicar. Apparently at Holyknot Little Hope Theological College, old Rev Cross had excelled at boxing. When Floyd Butts turned up on his doorstep, all purple-faced, veins sticking out and great ham fists flailing, one robust punch on the nose followed by a swift uppercut, and it was nighty-night for Floydy. He assigned a few of his studier lads to drag the unconscious Floyd off the premises and deposit him ... Quote
itsmeagain Posted January 10 Author Posted January 10 in a lorry bound for a refuse dump. Bert Common, 43, a council.bin man, heard a loud rasping fart Quote
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