Continue the story.....

[itsmeagain]

'I am of the view it's terminal, personally,  but being a bloke of acumen sufficient to flood the world, I  temper opinions with a dose of realism', declared a male voice coming from the radio  .'Where's 

[poppy]

that coming from?' I laughed. 'I live in hope it's terminal where that clown's concerned, stuff tempering with realism!'

'Johnny! You are wicked! Now he's gone, perhaps we could get on with going over the books, there's a few discrepancies I've picked up. What's this withdrawal here for £200 marked down as ...

[itsmeagain]

extra supplies, confidentiality assured..small print says Rubber Dolls a speciality.'

'Oh yes..you know Nibbles likes her rubber toys..well I ordered 

[poppy]

a selection of forty, so she can share them with the others. I know it's a bit of a dodgy site, but they were so cheap!'

'Johnny, I really think we should discuss these larger purchases. Now what's this one? It says Industrial Electric Potato Masher Company. It's for a whacking £500!'

'Well darling, you know how we love our potatoes, it'll save so much time. And you're eating for two now, remember,' I reminded her.

'I just wish you'd remember ...

 

[itsmeagain]

to watch costs. I mean the other day, the shaving light was left on for 43 minutes after you finished your shave, the tv plug was on all night, the pastry whisk and the toaster were red lights at 8pm one night. Save save save..I will be keeping watch Johnny you must understand 

[poppy]

that if you take care of the pennies,  the pounds will take care of themselves. We're going to have an extra mouth to feed soon, along with our 57 kitties. How do you think they'll get along with a baby? I don't want them to get all jealous and huffy. Do you think we should ...

[itsmeagain]

auction them off to another charity, say, Defence of the Elderly, and let each Edith and Betty in the vicinity get a moggy?'

'Certainly not , in no way is a mere sprog better than a cat', said I, awaiting the barrage....

[poppy]

of indignation I expected,  but Rosie just sighed, 'No, I couldn't bear to see them go, either. Maybe we could adopt the baby out.'

'Rosie, don't be ridiculous!' I suspected that pregnancy was messing with her hormones and giving her peculiar ideas. Either that or she was going a bit nutty like her father. It was a worry. 

'How about I sell another of my first editions, that should bring in a pretty penny. Would that set your mind at rest?'

'Oh Johhny, what a marvellous idea! I never thought of that, aren't you so clever, darling!'

I looked at her suspiciously, had she ...

[itsmeagain]

taken a few leaves of marijuana ? Her hippy friend Ophelia Duff, 30,  retired student from Manchester, grew a ready stream of coriander, tea roses, 🌶 chillies and skunk. I had, being an upstanding bloke, advised her never to imbibe that sweaty sock smelling, delusion causing, plant, but, she almost 

Edited December 16, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

sounded as if she was under the influence!  I gave her a surreptitious sniff, but no, she just smelt like she always did ...of lavender water and dettol. She'd been having a bad case of the munchies though, but I put that down to her delicate condition. 
There was a very smug look about her. I began to suspect Rosie had been plotting all along for me to sell some of my precious books. It was such a wrench to part with any of them, but I consoled myself with the fact that my new electric potato masher would be turning up any day now, and that cheered me up. But little did I know ...

[itsmeagain]

what a major revelation Rosie would launch at me.

Sipping camomile tea and sat eating lemon curd pie, in the garden, cats bathing in the sun, she said, 'Oh Johnny I wondered how much you made off that ginormous Dickens volume, the one the size of a barn door...

[poppy]

you know, the one with First Edition in the front?'

I felt myself coming out in a cold sweat. How had she found out about the sale? Could I say that I'd put it away for safekeeping or did she actually know something? I bet that weasel Clyde had ferreted out something and ratted on me!

How on earth was I going to explain where the money had gone? 

'Well darling, actually ...

[itsmeagain]

ahem..I didn't sell it..I loaned it out..with 10 per cent interest.. to Dr David Pulchritude, 44, a dog nutrition expert from Portsmouth. 

If you ring 09876 543319 his secretary will confirm..'

I must stop shaking,oh Cribs I need 

[poppy]

a drink, I groaned inwardly.

'Yes, I'll do that darling,' said Rosie. 'If he's into dogs, I'd like to know that he's got it safely stored away. It would be dreadful if a puppy started chewing the corners or anything. You know what they're like.'

'But ...but...'

It was too late, she'd rung. My knees quaked. 

'No, that wasn't his number, that was some place called Madame Gigi's Girls!'

'You must have dialed the wrong number, listen I just remembered ...

 

[itsmeagain]

...Dr Somaticised ...he's the one..no Dr Lobotomy..Hanson J Lobotomy of Edinburgh..he got the book..ring 0998 765 3....oh drat I can't recall...now I do think, in your fragile state, Rosie, you need sleep...'

'Johnny Revolting, where's that book? How much did you receive? Could mean a lot ..cos we are having..TWO babies...yaaaaaaaayyy'

Suddenly overcome with not the best of feelings, I said 'Oh.. that's..excellent..' , then said ' am off to search for that book..' 

On the blower to ....

Edited December 21, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

Wheezy Wayne, 2nd hand dealer, who could locate just about anything you wanted, as long as you had the readies and didn't ask any awkward questions.

'Mate, I'm after a Dickens tome with your first edition addition to the front.'

'No probs, come and take your pick.'

'Back soon, sweetie, I'm off to pick up our book,' I called, heading for the door. I just hoped ...

[itsmeagain]

this idiot had a suitable compendium 

Arriving after 3 buses, I was wet and bewildered. 

Knocked on the door.

A rough, bearded , skinny thing opened it, holding an oily spanner.

'Allow?' ,he barked.

'Dickens..'

'Cam in Misser Dickings, oi'll jass finish me cappa ven well see abaht vee job up in Shoreditch tonoite..av yer got an ammer brav?'

'I want Charles Dickens.....

[poppy]

'Ain't no Charlie Dickings round 'ere, brav. Watchu wanta see 'im abaht?'

'There's been a bit of a misunderstanding, I'm actually after Wheezy Wayne regarding Charlie Dickings ... I mean Dickens.'

'Well getcha story roight! Wheezy's round 'ere sumwhere. Jus giv 'im a yell.'

'Could you? I'm wet through and I can feel a touch of my old trouble, laryngitis, coming on.'

'Wat are yer? A ...

 

[itsmeagain]

reportable? Well oi tell ya wat bravva ..if ya wanna story abaht real life, cam rahnd ere on a Froydee noit.. when it all happens.. nah.. Weezy are ya vare bass", he called into a mic on his table, ' owny we ave a journalist ere asking sam rahva impertitudinous questions if you get me..owvah'.

'Weezy Wayne's office? Ahumm, err.how may we help?', came a seductive,  ludicrously syrupy female soprano,  ' ahrfter all, only the best....

Edited December 23, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

ahemm ... service for our pres.. prod ... our good clientele.'
She gave a high pitched screeching giggle that went through me like an angle grinder attacking a buzz saw.
'Great. Can I speak to Weezy?'
'To what or whom,' another ear piercing giggle,' is it pertaining about?' She seemed impressed by her abysmal grasp of grammar.
'It's a private matter.'
'I'm afraid Weezy ...
 

[itsmeagain]

has ewnly specified free toips of peeps hunny ban.

1. Clients.2. MPs 

3. Jail birds... to which does your good self aspire?', she enquired, like a rasping old crow stuck to a hairdryer switched on, but trying to.be all Marilyn Monroe lip and booby fabulous, ' sir, eze vewwy bizzy roit nah kin oi

Edited December 24, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

toik a message and Oi'll pass it on at moi earliest convin ... contin ... the earliest chance Oi get?'

Ignoring her completely, I pushed past the desk, which admittedly was a trifle tricky given her anatomical features that were protruding inconveniently into my path. But I manfully proceeded on into the inner sanctum of Weezy Wayne's office. I was hit by a ...

[itsmeagain]

stench of cannabis not experienced since the last time I got on a bus, ie about an hour ago. Why does the stuff smell of sweaty socks? Why does it make you sick? When youths say ' dat's sick bro' do they speak of sativa and its rotting cheese aroma? 

My reverie was interrupted by a waving arm from a weedy young bloke.

'Ere brav, oim Wheezy Woyn,back speshuliss.

Ave you enny dezyuz?'

'Yes I need a massive tome of Dickens, Charlie Dickens the one who did Scrooge you..''

'Scrooge was on television moit you is probly gerrin mixed app..happens to ve.....'

'Let me look at your Dickens ' said I, feeling

Edited December 26, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

that if I had to listen to his tortured speech for too long I'd develop a headache, not to mention losing my usual sharp business acumen and cognitive functions by inhaling too much of an hallucinogenic substance.

'Sit down, brav, wats the rush? Can oi offa yer anythink?'

'Your err .. secretary is she? said you're a very busy man so I don't want to keep you. Can I open a window? Asthma, you know, *cough cough* need fresh air.'

He ignored my request. 'Yav met ma Roxy, hav yer? Whattayathink?' He gave a loud guffaw.

'Nice, now getting down to business, Mr Wayne, ...

 

[itsmeagain]

for Dickens' sake what the Dickens is going on here, also where's the Charles Dickens compendium..'

'Oh yes,,,,,ere it is moit', he said, pulling out of a drawer a book 4 feet high, 1.5 ft wide, 987 pages thick, ' The Illustrated best of Charles....