Continue the story.....

[poppy]

flying ... flamingo! I'm sure that's an expression you're familiar with, Major.'

'It's not one I use every day. Personally, I favour non potui minus curare. Attributed to Virgil, I believe ... or was it the Venerable Bede ... or perhaps ...'

'Moving on, and out ... unless you'd like to clean the cat's litter boxes, Major? We've had a few with tummy troubles and things, as I'm sure you can imagine, are a little messy.'

Daddy could imagine, and suddenly remembered he had a pressing engagement elsewhere.

'Righto Rosie, my love, shall we crack on with ...

[itsmeagain]

the stewed apple and custard surprise?  I mean,  Roz Philibuster down at Grunge Catering, declares it's made of the very finest, smartest, ingredients.  No need for anything other than a bit of elbow grease, 💪 with you piling pies into an oven..me,meanwhile, will carry out vet checks in conjunction with Riannon Corpuscle, the vet from Claws and Paws animal suite in Bexley..she's quite a swell dude and ...'

'And..what..?', asked Rosie, sudd...

[poppy]

enly. Rosie was a little bit suspicious of my dealings with the fair sex since the debacle over Clothilde and Pythagoras.

'very competent,' I added.

'Well, if she's very competent, she'll be able to manage by herself. She can report to us afterwards. You can help me instead and roll out the pastry, since elbow grease is required. It won't hurt your elbows to do a bit of work for a change, apart from lifting a mug of tea to your mouth!'

'Do I detect, my love,' I asked, 'a little ...

[itsmeagain]

bitterness here..?..'

The silence between us began to grate, Rosie silently sucking on green 🍇 grapes while I sucked on an old lemon lurking in the fridge bottom.

The sour taste of this 🍋  was replicated by a scowl on the face of Rosie, who, to be fair, had a point: after all  it was time for me to show some backbone. As a result I removed my shirt, pointed at my back,  and went for a shower. While there I heard that....

[poppy]

she'd rung her friend Fiona Fonthill-Roy and was telling her I was acting peculiarly.

'I asked him to roll out some pastry and the next thing he's stripping to the waist, waving his arms around behind him and now he's singing in the shower! Do you think ...

 

[itsmeagain]

he is ill, Fi..?..'

'Well Dr Skidmore from the clinic was sipping pina colada with Jerry and me yesterday, and he declared there's been an outbreak of schizophrenia around London since 2018, the like of which has never been known..is he daft..?

Does he hear voices..?'

'Well there's nothing wrong with his hearing, I mean, all kitty meows are perfectly picked up by his cat antennae but if I ask for help rolling the dough he'll just get all high and mighty and he likes some bladdy vet from somewhere,  am slightly dubious....

[poppy]

about HER!'

'Golly, Rosie, I've never heard you swear before! You MUST be upset! Are you sure you're not just a teeny weeny, tinsy wincy bit ... jealous?'

'Don't be ridiculous, Fiona! He's the one always getting stroppy if one of the workers even so much as smiles at me. No, I'm just getting annoyed how he's always fluffing around but not actually doing anything.'

'Sounds like you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. Would you like me to act as mediator?'

'Well, ...

 

[itsmeagain]

that MIGHT be an option, Fi...only thing is, last occasion I elicited help from a female, it was someone posing as a bladdy Guardian reading la de dah two portions of sushi a week for health, BUDDY. What I got was a rough, thick, ridiculous butch woman with no money and a chip on her shoulder regarding men..its SO....'

Three days later, I was in the kitchen, supervising Micky Adroit, 19, as he chopped shallots, when there was a whooping sound of joy from the cafe area.

'Oh Rosie, you immaculate girl!!..high fives darling..'

'Oh M..G..Finally...how life treats you so well me old mucker', and the 2 buddies wailed and shrieked as though they'd won the lottery.

'Fi, sit here and I'll....

[poppy]

just go and get Johnny and tell him the news!'

Next minute, Rosie comes rushing in, grabs me by the hands and twirls me round in a mad dance.

'You'll never guess, Johnny!  I've just won a trip for two to Japan. It's a guided tour of all the best cat cafes, free travel and free accommodation. I can't believe it!'

'How ... what ... when ...

 

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' Zebedee the Cat, on FB, well they  are giving away these magnificent surprise prizes..'

'When are we..?'

'Am afraid it's me and Fiona, she's a great friend of mine..'

'Hi..hi..hi..soo pleased to meet you..I am Fiona andwe..her and I ..must go to Japan in 1 month's time.....don't worry, I will get you some wonderful staff to replace her..'

'Wait just one minute..who are you again?...'

'Fiona Fonthill- Roy, BSC, Dip Ed, MA Hons, University of Durham, C Cog in behavioural sciences, 2005,mother to one....

[poppy]

Egyptian Mau, a Sphinx, a Sokoke and a Peterbald. I like to collect rare breeds.'

'Never heard of them. Who's going to look after them when you desert them so thoughtlessly? I imagine it'll be very stressful for them. If you're going to own cats, you really must be responsible and put their needs first,  you know.'

'Well, I thought I could leave them with you Johnny. After all, you're obviously an expert in all things feline and they couldn't be in better hands.'

'Impossible! Absolutely out of the question! Can you imagine the ...

[itsmeagain]

feelings experienced.. nay, endured..by Shanti, by Jezebel, by Pumpkin, our 3 most treasured and upstanding tabbies, being usurped, ostracised, and browbeaten,by a collection of upper class, middle class,spoon in the mouth,silver platter, Siamese, Chairman Meow....'

'Hahahaha...😅  you're not going to believe it,but my uncle Derek has a moggy named Chairman Meow, he's a black and white Felix and he's so beautiful ', opined Fred Gimmick,56, from Southport, ' I see you're all. ..

[poppy]

such a merry, happy little band here. I'm actually looking for an investment opportunity and this just may fit the bill.'

'Do you have an interest in cats, Mr...errr?' asked Rosie.

'Gimmick, Fred,' he said, holding out his hand. 'I'd like to have a meeting with you next month after I've looked into things more.'

'I'm afraid Rosie and I will be away in Japan next month,' I said, 'perhaps some other time?'

Rosie gave me a wide-eyed, what the hell are you talking about, kind of look.

'I'm afraid it's next month or not at all,' said Fred, 'I've got other ...

[itsmeagain]

commitments dewnt you knew and frankly, Mr Cattery..I get the impression.. '

'Just for the record Mr Gimmick..he is remaining here.. I and Rosie are off to Japan 5 weeks from now so when we get back Johnny Revolting and Freddie Gimmick had better have .. '

''Fiona. I am off to Japan..'

''No Johnny..it's me and Fi..you see we need girl time together..it's been such...

[poppy]

a long time since we've done some female bonding.'

'I'm sure you don't need to go to Japan to bond, can't you do that underwater diving or at a zoo or the Bermuda Triangle or something? And Ms Foghorn, BSC, Dip Stick, University of Dunghill, where do you get off laying down the law to me!! I think it's time you just ...

[itsmeagain]

went away..to Chungking or somewhere..but leave me and Rosie alone..' 

Later, Rosie tried soft soaping me, telling me how this lucky ticket to Osaka airport came about via the nous, acumen, and spirited dexterity in quizzes, of Fiona.

Fiona this, Fi that, Fiona the other..all day every day she droned on .

I rang Freddie Gimmick, and we arranged to meet at a pub called the Rancid Sock,  in Bow.

Run by Frank Fernackapan, the Rancid Sock definitely lived up to the name. The stench of bodies and soiled, rank,clothing, was....

[poppy]

overpowering. But the beer was cheap and since I was shouting, this was the main factor.

'Now let's get down to business, Freddie,' I said when we were settled in a well ventilated area of the pub,  a frothy warm beer in front of us. 'What sort of figure are you thinking of as an investment in our very profitable enterprise?'

'Of course, I'd have to see your books and show them to my accountant. But anything up to five hundred.'

I choked on my beer, 'Fi ... fi ... five hundred thousand?' I stuttered.

'No, you dunderhead! Five hundred dollars! Do you think I'm...

 

[itsmeagain]

..made of cash? See these jeans..?..these bladdy jeans  cost me a tenner down Clapham way.. I bet you're rolling in money..I think 500 quid of cat food, perhaps a couple of rattles plus a cat chasing pen light , ought to get you on my side..'

' I need about ten thousand to vaguely improve our facilities...'

' I will do a crowd funder..'

'Mr Gimmick, do you have 🐈 cats?', I asked. 

'Well I don't dislike them but you see my granny Ethel, she had a grouchy old tom and we didn't see eye to...

Edited February 12, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

... well, toe really. When he came hurtling at me like a crazy ball of fury, he accidentally made contact with my steel-capped boot. Hurt like hell. I swear he dented my boot. Head like a rock. He didn't even pause, clawed his way straight up my leg and spat in my face. God rest his soul.'

'So what makes you want to invest in OUR business, Frederick?'

'I thought that would be obvious ...

[itsmeagain]

....I want to offer recompense to the world of 🐈 cats, for wrongs done in my parst. Gimmick by name..'

Plonker by nature, thought I, devising a fine scheme here.

' Good, let's talk some more on Tuesday next at Looby Lu's animal paradise', I said, gleefully. 

'Oh incidentally,  there will be plenty of remuneration for your efforts, Gimmick', I declared, slapping him so hard on the back that his glasses fell into his stale pint.

Hours later, I rang Priscilla CatsClaw, running the Looby Lu's animal paradise.

'We've got this lemon hoping for a share of the profits at our cat cafe and he is a vile creep. Tell Looby to be ready next week..dressed for the occasion', I said, hoping Looby didn't think I had a body to bury or anything, as I had an aversion to the sight of shovels.

Next 

Edited February 12, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

week, bright and early (well, early anyway, it was an overcast sort of day, threatening rain) I rolled up to Looby Lu's and there was Gimmick waiting, all excited and expectant like.

'Well,' he said, 'what have you got lined up for me?'

'Just you wait and see! But let's have a little snifter first.'

Priscilla had popped a couple of sleeping pills into his drink so now all we had to do was ...

 

[itsmeagain]

ensure the completion of the plan. I had informed  Looby of the slimy Gimmick and his dislike for all things 🐈 cat. 

Looby, though passing muster as a registered nurse, mental health, no previous convictions, had got away with tipping a cold cheese flan and chips, over her husband in St Walts hospital,  Dulwich, in 1998. The circumstances 

Edited February 13, 2024 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

surrounding this altercation were hushed up, so there were no repercussions. 

It was the work of a moment to strip Freddie to the waist, dress him in a purple and pink tutu, pop a pair of cat's ears on his head and bundle his floppy, unresisting body into the car. Checking we had handcuffs and plenty of fish, we headed for ...

[itsmeagain]

Looby Lu's gaffe, a two up three down tenement on Ballsup Boulevard, Camden.

Looby and Priscilla decided they were pretending to be welcoming Freddie to a strip club , but his hopes were destroyed  by.....

[poppy]

discovering, when he came to, that he was handcuffed to a lamppost and was surrounded by a group of jeering and mocking youngsters. We'll leave him there, suffice it to say he was released some time later by a passing policeman, but he never dared show his face at Johnny and Rosie's Cat Cafe. Lesson learned.

Time to ...