itsmeagain Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 already departed to look at a bush, where the red berries looked luscious. Jack wondered whether these berries were edible. Jim decided to ring his 15 yr old granddaughter, Lisa, to find out. "Its grandad. Can you look on interweb or whatsit and tell me are these berries edible?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 'Awwww Grandad, I'm busy tweeting and skyping.' 'You're what?? Stripping and twerking, you say? We'll have none of that funny business my girl, whatever it is! Now put your clothes back on again this instant, and look up these berries for me. You don't want to be responsible for your old granddad eating poisonous berries and dying a horrible and ghastly death do you?' Lisa thought for a moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 "No but you can give me a few quid every now and again grandad, I do need new shoes, handbag, and some beer" declared the teen, unconvincingly. "How dare you demand beer and money?" , cried Jim, angrily. "Now these berries grandad, yes I think they can be eaten, are they red?" "yes". "Strawberries!!" Jim made his apologies and hung up. The youth of today, he thought, phlegmatically. It was a good stack of years,since Jim had been a youth, and he was sure as eggs that he had never been as ignorant as the young of today. Jack and John were now wandering.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 aimlessly in ever decreasing circles. They hadn't waited for the results of the berry identification phone call and decided to try them for themselves. Unfortunately, they weren't strawberries at all, but woody nightshade. It was lucky that although they were highly poisonous, they tasted bloody awful and after a quick nibble, they spat them out. However, it was enough to ..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 5, 2015 Share Posted March 5, 2015 induce in John a five minute coughing fit, much to the annoyance of his two good friends. They retired to a fine country pub for lunch, where Jack fell asleep. His rumbling snores hid the fact that he was dreaming. In this dream. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 little red berries were revolving around his head, poking their tongues out at him and firing off pop guns. Jack tried to fend them off with a fly swat, but they were too fast fro him. He awoke with a start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 "Come on old lad, time to go home", declared Ken Bott, 54, bar owner and admirer of Liza Minnelli's greatest hits. "If you..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 7, 2015 Share Posted March 7, 2015 stay any longer, you're going to have someone's eye out with all that reckless flailing around. 'They were after me, I swear, they wouldn't leave me alone! It was horrible, these kamikaze red things,' Jack sobbed uncontrollably. John was acting in a similarly strange manner, which only left Jim, who hadn't had a chance to sample any berries, to ........... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 organise them all into a troupe, to walk steadfastly home to their respective beds. Meanwhile down in London, Mr Cameron was outside 10 Downing street, looking.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 up and down, making sure there were no terrorists or hitmen lurking. Bartie Bartholemew, 55, BMI 35 and pie cart operator, came puffing down the street pushing his cart. Seeing David standing there, he stopped and ............ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 8, 2015 Share Posted March 8, 2015 offered David a few of his wares. "When Simple Simon met the pieman" , Bartie said, insensitively. "Simple Simon eh? Well I shall remind you dear boy, that in April 2012 I caused nationwide uproar because I said I too, had partaken of a poor man's dinner staple, when perchance I had bought a pasty at Leeds station. " "Do you want steak, cheese or pork?", queried Bart, his eye for a quick fiver keener than..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 9, 2015 Share Posted March 9, 2015 a keen thing. David dismissed him with a wave of his hand and a Pffft! Bartie continued on his way, puffing and blowing like an over-pressurised steam engine. His habit of sampling his wares at regular intervals to stave off any potential weakness due to lack of sustenance had caused him to .......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 (edited) develop bloated leg, a noxious painful condition , which meant... Edited March 11, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 he needed to put them up at night, much to the annoyance of his long-suffering wife, because he insisted on having them up on a chair in their pokey little kitchen. She was forever tripping over them as she bustled round the kitchen at night, preparing his favourite meal of .......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 12, 2015 Share Posted March 12, 2015 egg, chips, peas, bacon, 2 large steak puddings, gravy and 5 slices of bread. It was on one such night, two months ago, when .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 partaking of a similar repast, that Bartie had one of his eureka moments, something he was subject to at regular intervals. It suddenly occurred to him, as he was munching on his mushy peas, swimming in gravy (he was a man of curious tastes), that .......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 (edited) Life was about taking chances. Munching a pie, he set off to see Jane, his 31 yr old Oxford grad neighbour who @lways bid him a jaunty hello. He thought he may have a chance, so off he toddled to buy a small box of milk tray. He went round to knock at her door. Opening the door was Jeff, a rugby playing husband..... Edited March 14, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 home expectantly from nightshift. 'How do, our Bartie,' he boomed, giving Bartie a hearty (see how I've ryhmed that there? Bartie/hearty? uh hum ...moving on) clap between the shoulder blades causing Bartie to inhale a stray piece of flaky pastry down his windpipe. 'Milktray for me is it? Me favourite, ta muchly. All for me too, of course you know Jane never touches chocolate. Health kick and all. You alright old fella? You're going a funny shade of blue.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 (edited) It had been, all told, reflected Bart, a rum do. Well , tonight he was going driving. Yes, our Bart was a real expert at ... Edited March 14, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 (edited) rum, he'd sampled most brands, but it didn't really mix well with driving, and tonight he'd had a few. Constable Eric Cobbledick, Traffic Officer for the Clay Bottom Constabulary, was leisurely supping on a hot coffee from his thermos flask. It had been a quiet night but things were soon to hot up. Edited March 15, 2015 by poppy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Bart had been seen driving a small blue and beige Honda, with blacked out windows, round and round the same mini roundabout, for ten minutes, when PC Cobbledick arrived. "What are you doing sir?", Derek yelled over the vroom vroom of Bart's motor. "Have you passed your test?" Bart was outraged... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 'I'll have you know, you whippersnapper,' said Bart, enunciating every word very precisely, 'that I had my licence before you were even in knee breeches!' PC Cobbledick had no idea what knee breeches were, probably some sort of rheumatic condition by the sound of it, but he let it pass. 'Well step out of the car please.' Bartie stopped in the middle of the roundabout, and dislodging himself with difficulty from behind the steering wheel, he ...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 16, 2015 Share Posted March 16, 2015 fell to the floor, his whisky fumes breath noticed by Cobbledick. "Can we have an ambulance please?", radioed PC Cobbledick, "we have a drunken bloke prostrate on the road." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 He decided to radio for back-up and soon a car pulled up with a screech of tyres, sirens wailing. Cobbledick rolled his eyes, 'Dramatics!' he muttered. Who should come charging into the fray but PC Dennis Onduty! Sitting in the car, batting ultra-long false eyelashes and coo-eeing was none other than Trixie. 'You can't go giving your floozies rides in your car, Onduty! I'll have to report you for that violation!' 'No, no, that's a hooker I picked up for soliciting, ' Onduty was quick to deny. 'Well, why is she sitting in the front seat with no cuffs?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted March 17, 2015 Share Posted March 17, 2015 (edited) "Ahem....that's because I had a little..errrm..." "Willie!! You had a little Willie!!" , chuckled Trixie, in a truculent type of way. Bart was attempting to sit up as a light cool rain punctured the greyness of the capital's sky. "Now .... Edited March 17, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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