Empty Nest Syndrome

[Coffin Nail]

It's coming to the time of year when our teenage offspring go off to uni and begin the process of leaving home. I've seen this phenomenon in many different forms over the last twenty years and it never ceases to amaze me how normally sane, humourous, intelligent women go completely to pieces.

My best friend went through agonies when her children left home; crying in Ikea picking out student necessities, crying in tesco's buying cases of value supernoodles, wearing her daughter's old cardy because it had her smell on. I even thought I heard her howling at the moon.

She was inconsolable and endured all the same emotional trauma when her son left two years later.

 

There was a woman in tesco's yesterday choosing housewares with her daughter, and the woman was trying to talk between sobs.

 

I'm lucky. My son decided to stay home, go to a local uni so he can carry on working but that said, he's planning to move out after he's finished his degree. So he has one foot out of the door....the rest of him is usually under a duvet.

My way of coping with the empty nest is to radically change my life so I have something to look forward to other than an occasional phone call.Added to a huge dollop of denial.

 

Young Mum's are not excluded from anxiety. First day of primary school is a massive wrench for some women. Personally, I was relieved, apart from thinking I'd gone deaf because he never stopped talking.

 

And a swift note to those about to fly the nest, good luck and go easy on your Ma, inside she's suffering.

 

How did you cope? Or not?

[Kell]

I'm fortunate in that I have a good few years before I'll experience any of this, but I dread the moment all the same!

[Chrissy]

Son and heir had left to find his fortune in London, staying with his Dad up in t'city. He then decided to head north to Manchester where he has been ever since. That was 5, almost 6 years ago.

 

For him it was the right time to go. He was ready to get going and be elsewhere. The stepping stone of his dad's was great, both psychologically for me, knowing he had his dad around for a month or two, and for him having a taste of away before taking that leap.

 

I miss him like crazy sometimes. He isn't the greatest with keeping in touch, so I am the one to call which isn't always at the best chatting times for him. He has joined us for holidays and weekends away,and he visits for a few days a couple of times a year. We swap dvds and books, and I try and make the time we do get together count.

 

Our dog came to live with us about a year after my son went, so al the spare maternal feelings were transferred over. There's nothing like a traumatised animal to bring out the Mum in one!

[Nollaig]

I went to uni 4 years ago, but still came home every weekend and summer until september 2008... when I stopped working in a shop across the road from my parents. And stopped going home because I felt guilty. Now my bro and I only go home on bank holidays and that's more than enough. My mum still gets so upset though You'd think she'd get used to it! It's been FOUR YEARS!

 

ETA: Chrissy, my mum's dog is her baby. That dog gets put before us, and I often get called 'Holly'.

I do not want to be around when that dog dies. I reckon we need to get mum a new puppy when Holly hits about 14 (4 years time) and that way once Holly croaks mum has the new dog.

[Kell]

I stayed home till I went away to college, but came back for all the holidays during those two years. I came back home for about 6 or 7 months after college, but then moved back to where I'd gone to college for another year and a half. After that, I came home again for another 4 months then moved in with Dale. All the time that I was away, I called home every Sunday night without fail. Once I moved in with Dale, I didn't call every week as we lived within 20 minutes drive of my parents and saw them at least once a week anyway. Once my Mam and Dad split up and Mam moved away, I got back into the calling every Sunday night routine again. I don't call my Dad every week though, as he lives about an hour away and is in town all the time (although I don't see him as much as I'd like to). I've always kept in close touch with my family though - - it just seems natural to me. Oh, and I can walk to my sister's place in about 10 mintues, even pushing the heavy buggy!

[Stephanie2008]

I'm 21 and I'm still living at home. I would love to move out but just don't have the money to do it. My mam always jokes that she'll be moving in with me when I go I am really close to my mam though so I can imagine getting just as upset as her when I have to move out.

[megustaleer]

Elder Son left home straight after A levels for a job with accommodation in the next town. Nine months later he turned up on the doorstep with his suitcase, having changed his job to one without board. Within three months I was offering him the 'flats to let' page of the local paper with suitable places highlighted!

[Lucybird]

I'm 21 and I'm still living at home. I would love to move out but just don't have the money to do it. My mam always jokes that she'll be moving in with me when I go I am really close to my mam though so I can imagine getting just as upset as her when I have to move out.

 

I'm in a similar situation. But for me it was a choice between learning to drive or finding my own place. Seeing as it takes about an hour to get to work on the bus I went for driving. This way hopefully I'll have my NVQ by the time I leave too so it will be easier to afford living on my own anyway.

 

 

 

[Katrina1968]

WOW! Our daughter just moved out a few weeks ago, but you'd never know it. She still sleeps and eats here! She couldnt wait to get out on her own but darned if she's not knocking on the door at 0200 because she can't sleep in her own place (especially as the babies are here most of the time because of her work hours). After moving out, her brother told her she should have just left her bed and dressers in her old room. He is of course, disgusted because that room was his den/study/game room.

 

The scary thing is, she stated that if we picked up and moved, she would be following us:irked: because she can't bare to have me far from her.

[madcow]

I remember being upset when Kat left home (a few years ago)even though she was only 20 miles down the road! But we had the hotel then so I was kept busy. Last December my son left home (he was 21) whilst I was away for a few days, I did know he was going he'd let us know a few weeks before, but I'll admit I cried buckets for weeks! even when he popped home I'd cry when he went back. He is loving it in Manchester but does kinda forget to keep in touch so I have to send him a gentle email every now and again. I've told Hannah she is not allowed to leave home lol

[AbielleRose]

All of your experiences are so different from mine. In my family, leaving home is a huge *phew, they're finally gone* sort of celebration. I left a week after graduating high school and haven't been back to Aberdeen for more than a 48 hour visit since. Last week was the first time I went back there in 2 years. My brother stayed much longer than I did, but as far as I know our mom never cried or even felt sad to see us leave- it meant she got the whole apartment to herself. (We never had an actual house growing up, just apartments, so there isn't a building or anything like that I'm tied to up there.)

 

Though I've never lived at my dad's house (him and the stepmom just built it about 3 years ago in Mitchell) it is more of a 'home' than Aberdeen is for me. Guess my family is just odd, but it feels fine and normal.

Edited August 29, 2010 by CaliLily

[madcow]

Don't get me wrong there are +'s to them leaving I.e. less washing and ironing oh and cooking and especially since Anthony left less mileage on the car (I was always dropping him off or picking him up as he was always running out of petrol!) although Hannah is making up for that with all the hockey and umpiring she does. It is also great to have the house to myself to just sit and enjoy the peace and quiet but given the choice I would have them back home if I could.

 

Oh forgot the big one - more 'puter time

Edited August 29, 2010 by madcow

[Chrissy]

Whenever we visited son in Manchester we'd share the driving, but husband always had to do the first stretch when we left as I'd be too busy being wobbly and teary.

 

I love having hubby to myself and my quiet little life, but there's a whole person out there that I adore, and whose company I always enjoy, and who I don't get to see very often. I try not to impinge on his life too much, and make no demands ~ I want him to visit and call because he wants to, not because he feels obliged.

 

He's great though, and despite being a very proud Mum who thinks the world of her independent son, there will always be a son shaped hole at home, where I remember with fondness mugs left to grow fur, boxers ALWAYS found on the bathroom floor, the loo seat always up, food going missing during the night and empty milk cartons in the fridge. *sigh*

 

 

[pickle]

I left home to go to uni when I was 18 from Portsmouth to Liverpool which I did deliberately as it was too far to come home easily, don't get me wrong this was in no way to torture my mum (who admitted when they left liverpool all those years ago in my beautifully painted brown box - also known as the halls of resisdence she cried buckets) I went that far cause I would never have left being such a shy fraidy cat in those days.

 

I only got home for a week when I finished then I got a job in Canterbury and spent the next two years eaking out an existence there. I moved home when the work dried up and spent the next 4 years living with the folks by which time both my brother and sister had left home and they had moved into Salisbury. I luckily got a job within a couple of months of the move back home which entailed being sent away most weeks and home for the weekends.Ii finally left when my sister split up with her long term boyfriend and also moved back to Salisbury so we got a house together, she met some one got married and I stayed in the house and have been there ever since. Mum and dad come over all the time and I go over and see them in fact today they popped in to see me and I went over to see them later in the day. it works for all of us.

[Janet]

I'm an only child and I lived at home right until my wedding day... when I moved to Somerset, about 160 miles away.

 

I know my parents missed me dreadfully. They said the house was so quiet that they even missed the 'boom, boom, boom...' of my heavy rock music thumping through the floorboards!

 

When they retired they up sticks and moved to Wiltshire where they were only 30 minutes away instead of nearly three hours so they could be close to us, which was wonderful.

[Peacefield]

By the time my parents' 5th and youngest child (me) moved out of the house, they were well used to the idea. It was kind of sad for my mom since I was the last of the kids to leave, but I only lived 30 miles away in the college dorms and came home on weekends so it wasn't too hard for her. My oldest sister left home right after high school graduation though and that was very difficult for mom. Even though she had 4 of us left at home, the first to move out was pretty significant for her. My dad was sad, but he he thought it was exciting that we were leaving to go make our way and hopefully become successful .

 

I'm still very close to my mom, and speak to her on the phone 2 and 3 times a week. She's the one thing that keeps me in this state, since I would really hate to be more than a 3 hour drive away from her. After losing dad to cancer and subsequently regretting not spending more time with him, I'm determined not to take any time I have with mom for granted.

[Kidsmum]

Well our eldest daughter is leaving for Uni on Saturday & I was feeling pretty chilled about it, she'll only be 30 mins away in the car & she makes friends easily & being a girl she'll cope with the practical side of living by herself I told myself but this week the reality of it really hit me & I've been feeling like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster wanting to burst into tears every time I think about it,goodness knows what I'll be like when we take her there & have to come away without her I'm really hoping I can hold it together.

[Chrissy]

goodness knows what I'll be like when we take her there & have to come away without her I'm really hoping I can hold it together.

 

If you really can't hold it together make a dramatic exit of it. In a theatrical voice shout "Oh, my baby!" as you clasp her to you. Wave a hanky out of the window as you drive off and do an obvious dab of the teary eyes. And if you can laugh all the while, that'd be good.

 

It is strange, that difference between intellectually knowing something (your child is heading off yonder) and the emotional knowing of it.

[Kidsmum]

If you really can't hold it together make a dramatic exit of it. In a theatrical voice shout "Oh, my baby!" as you clasp her to you. Wave a hanky out of the window as you drive off and do an obvious dab of the teary eyes. And if you can laugh all the while, that'd be good.

 

It is strange, that difference between intellectually knowing something (your child is heading off yonder) and the emotional knowing of it.

 

 

:lol: Thanks that made me laugh. I've arranged to meet a couple of friends at the Otley Folk Festival afterwards so no doubt I'll be crying on their shoulders or sobbing into my beer when they've had enough of me