Continue the story.....

[itsmeagain]

,  like Oliver Hardy before him, looked at an [imaginary) camera and said, ' well..here's another fine mess you've gotten me into..'.

Trying to avoid laughing at his soaking , washed up demeanour, I scuttled out of the room, into the front of the cafe.

Maggie Scowling, 45, from Crewe, was waiting for rhubarb buns with yogurt, when in strode.. 

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speak of the devil, the one person on earth likely to put a spoke in my works (apart perhaps from the beautiful, but deadly Pythagoras!) but plague and pesticide, nails in my eyes, wasp up my nose, Clothilde!

She marched up to me, hands on hips, gimlet eyes piercing my soul, chin jutting forward like she'd dislocated something and said ...

[itsmeagain]

' I just almost coughed up my larynx as the bloke..an old mucker of yours..informed me of your dalliance with some odd weirdo named Pythagorus....and  I have had council tax people after me, I said it's in his name...who's this?', she asked, staring at Rosie.

'I am Rosie, soon to be his wife, and whoever..'

'What has he told you about me..well listen to this...'

Clothilde produced a mini cassette recorder, the actual answer machine recordings...all I could hear was 'Oh. Clotty...oooh Clotty..you're so bossy it really.makes me....', followed by loud groans and then silence..

'Ja, das ist right...he groans with pleasure into  the answer machine when leaving message for me..now you Pythagorus..what..'

'Oh Johnny..who the blazes is Pythagorus ', wailed Rosie, while I said 'Orderrr..orderrr.. Mr Speaker...anyone..even my right honourable , inebriated  wife..even she..must accept that I don't.. and never have..for any reason..gasped into an answer machine about Clotty bossy or something...that's not me..'

'OH Johnny..stop acting like an MP and tell..'

Suddenly Clothilde looked really anxious...

Edited December 19, 2023 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

in her rage, she seemed to have completely forgotten that I was entitled to half our house and half the proceeds from the cool million pounds she'd absconded with, which really was quite strange. Why had she come searching for me again, I wondered? Perhaps this time she'd be amenable to a deal, she could keep the loot and in exchange give me a quick divorce.

'What exactly do you want, Clothilde, what will it take to finally ...

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get you out of my hair..?.. '

'All I wanted...I speak openly...was to ...retrieve you from the mess you are currently in..but now, with PiechartHaggis here and no doubt other people too..I am off.'

'Close that door on your way out then , and keep us warm..oh...and 500 k in  a bank transfer by tomorrow at midday...'

Clothilde agreed and left. 

Rosie was morose in her duties, feeding the kitties while having a grim,angry, saddened,  face. I have to tread very carefully,  I thought, and....

[poppy]

I knew Rosie was going to ask me some sticky questions.

'You see what I've been dealing with, darling?' I asked in a weedling kind of voice.

'Why did she call me PiechartHaggis, and you didn't answer me before about Pythagorus! Who's she? And why is she giving you £500,00? You said you had to pay HER dowry back! I don't think you've been straight with me, Johnny. I feel like you've betrayed my trust. I'm feeling very upset.'

'Oh darling, it's very simple. You've got to understand that ...

[itsmeagain]

..a man has needs..for space..to breathe..for truth.. and..I ..never..do..anything..that..may.. upset..you..Clothilde was married to.me..'

'Is..is ..is..'  yelled  Rosie, rushing...

[poppy]

out of the room.

I followed her calling, 'But not for much longer, darling, she'll give me a divorce very soon!'

Rosie shut herself in the toilets and locked the door.

The patrons of our cafe seemed engrossed in all the drama and had taken sides. The two factions were now having a heated discussion about who was right and who was wrong and things were...

[itsmeagain]

stirred up further by the intervention of Maggie Scowling, who, having just finished her plum duff and custard, was derogatory about my cooking skills, unknowingly blaming me when our sous chef, Philbert , was to blame for adding  sherry and pouring wine over the plum duff, and so I listened furtively as she said, ' the bladdy manager looks loik e ain't a decent stitch to wear..all these fanny wimmin cammin  in ere, arsekin  questions abaht  vis, vat n vee avver.... this a terrible paddin..'

'Everyone happy with the food?', I asked,being as sickly, sweet, and fake as the situation demanded, 'anybody wants a second helping of plum duff..?'

Jeff Ross, 25, from Marshes, opined that, given the current economic  shambles in Britain ..'caused by Boris Johnson , oi fink it's amazing we can ave almost free plum daff  ere..oi mean, oi sez to ve girw  serving, oi sez,  lav, oim  stragglin to poi me rent, can oi ave....

Edited December 22, 2023 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

a wee bit more, an she sez, 'elp meself! Bluddy good service 'ere, oi sez, don't know wat the silly ol' cow oer theres belly-achin bout.'

Chef Philbert's approach to recipe ingredients was rather unconventional and known only to him and in this instance had the unfortunate , almost immediate effect of patrons requiring the restroom facilities. This proved difficult with Rosie having locked herself in. A long queue was forming outside and the more desperate patrons were ...

[itsmeagain]

mumbling in a semi coherent, annoyed type of reserved, British,  way.

'Oi dunnow abaht  you, Liz, bat oi feel loik surming app wiv me stammack...cor bloimy, oi need a bog naa..', wailed John Flytip, 43, of Droylsden, on a day out in the capital.

'Oh , an oo are you, maahfin off as if you own ve ploice,actin all big  n broo'el..oive sans that'd knock you aaht wiv 2 ands toied be oind vere back..sow  don't start on me if you now what's good for yer', said Maggie, staring at young Jeff, who responded, ' you an ooze armoi? 2 ands tied be oind vare backs, where's the other and, an wassit doin?..', at which point Maggie was...

Edited December 23, 2023 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

gripped by a particularly aggressive stomach cramp and realised action was imminent. Proving that she was indeed equipped to deal with both bothersome people and objects, she shoved Jeff, who was at the head of the queue, roughly across the room, and kicked the toilet door in. There was a mad rush for the door, causing quite a jam which wasn't helped by Rosie ...

[itsmeagain]

screaming blue murder as she was ejected from the toilet, the mad dash of customers frantically protesting as John Flytip took it upon himself to wail, ' I need a bog, please make way..', to which no one responded. 

' Can we form an orderly queue please, like civilised members of the public..?..' , I asked, trying to restore decorum .

Rosie took me to the kitchen,  saying ' oooh Johnny, I need answers, and swiftly..why weren't you honest about being married to Clothilde..she's a horrible brat and I am really disappointed in you..oh...

[poppy]

ohhhhh ... what on earth is happening out there?!'

Marital explanations would have to wait.

All hell had broken loose. Not only was there a major skirmish going on in the toilets as patrons fought over the two available conveniences but all the ruckus had upset the cats. They were zooming all around the place, climbing the curtains, knocking over tables and one was even ...

[itsmeagain]

licking at an open mega tub of Flora on the floor.

Suddenly Henry Beech, 35, a visitor from  Surrey, dropped his brolly in the toilet bowl after a push at the door from Molly Middlewich, leading to Mark Mangler of East London, to accost Molly and say, 'ei, silly bagga,  stop yer impaishense, will yer,or oi'll call ve police..'

Mark thought all disputes were best settled by police action, so on the phone he went.

'Ello..is vat Landan poleese?', he wailed, waving.....

[poppy]

both arms around, making it difficult for the dispatcher to hear a word.

'999 here, what is the nature of your emergency?'

'We 'ave wat yer might call a major disturbance at Johnny and Rosie's Cat Cafe,' shouted Mark.

'Please remain calm, speak quietly and describe the disturbance,' said the emergency operator.

'Well, it's loike this...' and Mark went on to describe how Henry Beech had been rammed in the back by a very impatient ( and to be fair, quite desperate) Molly Middlewich, causing a brolly blockage issue in one of the only two toilets. This had lead to a rather testy exchange between all parties involved.

'Testy exchanges don't come under the heading of an emergency, sir.  Making a false emergency call can lead to a hefty fine and I suggest you ...

[itsmeagain]

try to resolve the matter amicably..Sir is that OK?  Sir there's a protest outside a bank , hippies claiming  banks are thieving corporations, so the police will be beating them up instead of attend some  lefty veggie hippy cafe full of cats..'

''Moit, you're jass  pretendin moit, you're a leftie yersel,  you now you are', wailed a desperate Mark, as a pie dish flew past his head and embedded itself in a mural of the Queen visiting a Lambeth homeless shelter in 1990.

' Can we all calm...

[poppy]

down! We're closing now so if you'd kindly vacate the premises. As you leave I'll issue each one of you with a free complimentary coffee and cake voucher,' I said loudly. And more quietly, 'I'd appreciate if you're going to ring the Police, Mark, that you'd use the correct name for our establishment! It's 'Johnny and Rosie's Pussy Galore Cat Cafe' ... from the movie you know.'

This actually had a calming effect on Mark and he started to waffle on about the comparative merits of the various James Bond movies. 

The other patrons were now ...

 

[itsmeagain]

putting on coats , scarves , and mufflers, the latter being more appropriate for some than others,  I mused, as we began clearing tables. I was feeling worried about how to appease Rosie, who would be like a kitten with a ball on this, until I appeased her.

Shall I take her to  the pictures? Make a stew? Start washing my plate after eating?  Make the bed at home? What does a man do, I wondered, sat on a chair, a look of deep concentration on my face, my body leaning forward, head on fist, elbow on knee, determined to get to the bottom of this. Any thoughts I may have had regarding the issue of telling Rosie about the new name for the cafe, were brought forward, as ' daddy' entered, saying, ' I say, a young chappie out there has just told me this premises is called the Pussy Galore cat cafe..what a splendid idea..Rosie , start building the sign for the door to reflect that..I will design one for above the window, then we......

Edited December 29, 2023 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

'll be in business.'

'Yes, Daddy,' said Rosie meekly, then, 'may I have a word with you, Johnny?'

Here goes, I thought, the proverbial's gonna hit the fan!

'Johnny, I'm very proud of the way you handled the situation today and I'm sorry for being the cause of all the trouble. While I was locked in the conveniences, I had time to reflect on your marital situation and I think I understand why you’ve acted the way you have. Can you forgive me?' Rosie had tears trickling down her cheeks.

'Oh Rosie ...

[itsmeagain]

...you're the most adorable 😍 love ever, I can't even say how much I love you...', and at that, we engaged in a whirling, swirling, clinch, which ended with us sashaying gaily across the room, until we sprawled over a kitchen table , recently cleared.

'Everyfin awroight ?', asked a man in blue overalls, paint stains, spanner in hand, 'owny my mavver erd a comocean jass earlier so oi fawt oid do me manly duties an....'

'Manly duties?', gasped Rosie, as I asked the man who he is.

'Jack Weldit', he said, 'oi owny live nearby.. what is vis ploice ennywoi?', he asked, his

Edited December 29, 2023 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

eyes open wide taking in the pie splattered portrait of the Queen, overturned chairs, cats hanging off curtains and perched on high cupboards and sniffing suspiciously at a rather unpleasant odour emanating from the WC's.

'We've had a wee spot of bother,' explained Rosie, 'I wonder if you could help us sort things out.' She gave her winning smile which seemed to melt the hearts of even the most tungsten variety.

''appy to be of service, Miss,' he said doffing his hat and giving a low bow.

'How are you on blocked loos?' I asked.

'I'll have you know ...

Edited December 30, 2023 by poppy

[itsmeagain]

I am a qualifoid plammer.. eres me certificate ', he declared, producing a yellowing script of paper with reddish writing,evidently rain damaged and suspiciously looking as if it's been stuck in his reeking ,sweaty arsed pocket for decades, maybe a millennia or so.

'Go on , sort it all out', I said, annoyed that Rosie was giving a muppet the glad eye,yet again.

The phone rang, I picked it up.

'Marylebone hospital here , we had a report that a group of 3 people are reporting food sickness signs..are you...

[poppy]

the proprietor?'

'One moment, and I'll get him,' I said, handing the phone to Daddy and making myself scarce.

'Major Flowers here, to whom have I the pleasure of speaking? .... Now listen here young man, I'm not in the habit of tolerating being addressed in that discourteous manner! Let me speak to your superior, I wish to make a complaint.'

I left them to it and went to see how old Weldit was getting on extricating the umbrella from the loo. It had been jammed in with such force that it had contorted itself around the S bend. Rosie was being plumber's assistant and handing him adjustable wrenches, plungers etc and keeping up a constant flow of ...

 

[itsmeagain]

oh so sweet small talk, that workaday lads such as Jack , lapped up.

'Ow lav, you are a lavvly girw...an oi guess es yer lucky feller is e. ? Moi oh moi, you're lavvly..', 

'Tee hee, you're such a charmer..there's a tea and scone supper at the Mill next Thursday week,  wanna join me and Johnny..I am certain 

Edited December 31, 2023 by itsmeagain