itsmeagain Posted May 2 Author Share Posted May 2 .you see daddy has been up to. Ahem nefarious activity with some rather undesirable ladies in a house of ill repute. You see a police raid found him embracing 60 year old Madame Legs, an ex hairstylist from East Ham. I never knew what to do and so I didn't Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted May 2 Share Posted May 2 let you know. I didn't want to upset you, darling.' 'Surely there's been some mistake! Dear Daddy would never be seen in a house of ill repute. He must have entered the wrong premises by accident and he was just giving the lady a friendly hug when she gave him directions. You know how affectionate Daddy is.' I can't say it's a side of his nature that's ever been evident to me, but now wasn't the time, perhaps, to bring that up. 'We must go and rescue Daddy immediately, bring the cheque book, we may need to ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted May 3 Author Share Posted May 3 (edited) offer financial inducement, pecuniary endorsemement, monetary reinforcement, to get daddy away from those pesky police..oh daddy..' Down we trundled to the police station 🚉, to be met by PC Colin Stoopid, who declared daddy to be fit and ready to go. ' No need for any manny, Ms we don't accept bribes ere', he said, 'and tell yer dad that when e parses an ouse saying Madame on ve door, vis means aaahse of ill reputation, eez not suddenly Dan's la France or anything.. boi naaw..' , and daddy appeared, unruffled by the experience. 'I say what a spiffing turnout,both of you here...well I'm driving back home..you will get the bus right opposite' and at that, he drove... Edited May 3 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted May 3 Share Posted May 3 off, straight back to the bordello and into the arms of Madame Legs, for all we knew. As you might expect, I was not happy. 'What a bloody cheek! That's the last time I rescue your blighted father from anywhere!' 'Daddy's obviously not himself, we must be patient with him.' Any vestige of patience I had left for anything, completely disappeared when I realised I'd left my wallet in the car and we had absolutely no money for a bus fare. 'So what do you suggest we do now?' I snapped. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted May 3 Author Share Posted May 3 (edited) 'Well..I have 11 pounds ..64 p , and between you and me, we'll be well able to catch a 75 to New Cross, walk 10 minutes to Betty's cakes, and a second bus to our house..it's simple'. When we got back, tired and wet, she spotted the answer machine flashing. 'Two messages..message one..' Oh 'ello, its PC Plodder from the local nick. Am ringing up cos we appear to ave an outbreak of the runs round about here right now. A Mr Cross tells us the free burgers were courtesy of a Jimmy Disgraceful, cat sanctuary owner and general dogsbody..ring us.' Message 2. 'Rosie please get me an ambulance I have terrible guts..that damn burger...' Silence reigned very suddenly... Edited May 3 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted May 4 Share Posted May 4 Rosie stood there, wet, cold and bedraggled. We had missed the last bus and been forced to hitchhike. Unfortunately, no-one stopped and we'd walked the whole way, 10 km, in the pouring rain. To add insult to injury, Betty's cake shop had been closed. 'He can call his own damned ambulance!' she cried. 'Serves him right.' The worm had turned! 'Go and have a hot shower love, get into your onsie and I'll make you a nice cuppa.' For all today's misfortunes, I felt that at last ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted May 4 Author Share Posted May 4 justice was being served..cold. Finally she realised just what a twerp that elderly gent is. However, in Rosie's shower time, I took a unilateral decision..aha, male audience, believe me I know that's always a risk....and I telephoned the Old Bill. 'Ahem...John Revolting from Revolting Cat sanctuary Inc, est 2021...May I simply educate you around delicate issues..DO NOT ever, address a bloke name of Revolting, as Jimmy Disgraceful. So leave me alone and I hope the burgers choked you....' 'I am PC Eric Plodder and I ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted May 5 Share Posted May 5 will be investigating further. As we had the incorrect name previously, we were unable to pursue complaints. However, now you have made yourself known to us, and we have your caller details, you will be receiving a visit from us shortly.' Well that just put the icing on the cake! Maybe ringing the cops ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted May 5 Author Share Posted May 5 (edited) had been a bad idea. I sneaked out and left Rosalyn to face the music. My way down Falliopian avenue, on to Herpes Square, took me by Frankee and... Edited May 6 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted May 6 Share Posted May 6 Johnnie's Liquor Store, a good place to drown my sorrows. Things hadn't been going well for me lately and a few slugs of Frankee's illicit whisky would be bound to perk me up. Several hours later I ambled home, none to steady on my pins. Rosie was waiting up for me, a look of ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted May 6 Author Share Posted May 6 (edited) disdain on her face. 'I had two representatives of the plod down here....you are saddling us with more and more debt..the vicar has said you ordered the burgers....which caused food poisoning to daddy who was detained on spurious grounds..and some woman rang saying you won't pay the bill...ohJohnny..why .. ' Edited May 6 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted May 7 Share Posted May 7 oh why are you always have to be getting us into these complicated and risky situations? I'm beginning to think ...' 'Never you fear, my love, I've got it all in hand! (which wasn't entirely true, but sitting in Frankee and Johnnie's bar I'd had a lightbulb moment). You see it's true I ordered all those burgers for the dear vicar, it was a thank you for his generous donation of all that cat litter ( blast his dastardly soul). And I was thinking of all those dear little boys, such a treat for them. But it's not my fault they caused food poisoning! And I'm certainly not paying for substandard goods. The health department need to take it up with The Greasy Spoon. As for Daddy, well... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted May 8 Author Share Posted May 8 (edited) I feel its best he leaves well enough alone...what a waste of our time..' Offended, Rosie swept wistfully out of the living room, down the drive, out onto the street,carrying a purse, a bag, a comb....and who did she meet coming towards her, other than the vicar, dressed in vicar type clothes, with his hair gelled and standing up...... Edited May 8 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted May 9 Share Posted May 9 like a rooster's comb. 'Goodness Vicar,' she giggled, 'you're a veritable lady magnet today, aren't you just!' The Vicar blushed and simpered, 'Oooh you are such a tease. I'm looking for that hubby of yours, just the little matter of his generous donation of burgers for the less fortunates. Went down a treat!' 'But what about all the complaints of food poisoning, I've been so worried about it.' 'Weak constitutions, I'd say, I ate six and ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted May 10 Author Share Posted May 10 (edited) I feel OK.. indeed, were it not for social conventions and the diktat of our father Lord, one would squeeze your ..ahem'. Rightly shocked, Rosie protested, but the vicar, looking inebriated, kept on grinning and being a fool. Anyway, he received a slap from Rosie,which, if nothing else, will have brought to his mind the saying, ' no greater wrath have the a wild cat, than a female scorned'..or was it a female scone..? Meantime, I was cooking spaghetti and the cats... Edited May 10 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted May 11 Share Posted May 11 were perched on the bench watching and waiting for any wayward, escaped spaghetto. Rosie came in like a little thundercloud with bits of lightening escaping. 'The Vicar is drunk, Johnny! And he's been making very suggestive remarks! Do something!' 'Gladly, my love, I've been waiting for the chance.' I marched up to him and ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted May 12 Author Share Posted May 12 (edited) said, 'vicar, I was reading 📚 a truly spiffing book by Reggie A. Theist, called 'Abolish God:why religion is wrong' and I wanted your..' The reverend parson disappeared so fast it was almost like he'd been asked to do a day's work. ' This is quite unacceptable ', mused the parson as he ran down Book Street, until he saw a sign asking for people... Edited May 12 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted Monday at 08:45 AM Share Posted Monday at 08:45 AM to volunteer at Johnny and Rosie's Cat Cafe. He was sure he could round up a few more ne'er-do-wells who needed gainful employment. However, that would have to wait. He was heading back to the vicarage to track down his hefty volume of 'Perspicacious Theological Apologist Debates the Existence of God vs Atheism' by Ino Imright. Heaving it into his backpack, he trudged back to the cafe to ... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted Monday at 09:39 AM Author Share Posted Monday at 09:39 AM (edited) confront my good self with his findings. 'It says in a book, God exists, Mr Decadent, and so..God exists..do look around you good man, and see the wealth and abundance of His signs..the bees,, the sun, the trees. ' 'Is death part of God's plan.. famine..war..or pestilence..and when are you helping me shift a ton of cat litter from the entrance?', I enquired, secretly laughing 😃 as my severe countenance hid it expertly. Edited Tuesday at 12:11 PM by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted Tuesday at 08:41 AM Share Posted Tuesday at 08:41 AM 'Perhaps we need to lay a complaint against the Trucking Shifty company. Their habit of dumping loads at people's doors is a little inconvenient. I suspect it may have had something to do with my parishioners getting dicky tummies.' 'You think?' One had to wonder how the man had graduated from theological college. 'Why don't you take it up with them? They may listen to a 'learned' scholar,' I said sarcastically. 'Well ...' he actually blushed, 'that's very kind of you to say, but ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted Tuesday at 11:14 AM Author Share Posted Tuesday at 11:14 AM (edited) I do feel, kind sir, that all such matters..cat litter and burgers all, are down to you..me I am off to commune with..the dear Lord', and forth he sallied, out of the building, into a pile of wet cat litter that was about to avalanche, when Bert Biggins, rugby star, turned up and shielded the vicar with his garden sized back, saying,' a man if the Lord..Good Lord, thanks for allowing me to save Parson Cross this rainy day...' Edited Tuesday at 12:11 PM by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted Wednesday at 08:24 AM Share Posted Wednesday at 08:24 AM 'Bless you my son,' said the vicar, '' 'For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence.' Psalm 91:3 '' 'Is he referring me to me as a foul deadly pestilence, now?' I demanded. 'It's not all about you, Disgusting!' 'REVOLTING! REVOLTING! How many times do I ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted Wednesday at 12:07 PM Author Share Posted Wednesday at 12:07 PM do I tell you, cleric, I am Revolting.' 'Be that as it is, dear sir, I shall make suitable arrangements for the boys to remove the awful mess you allowed to get soaking wet in the yard. You shalt be litter free, by Jove, at 6pm'. Aggrieved, Parson cut a fierce figure, marching with gusto. An hour later, six burly lads, a shovel each, arrived, and began shovelling cat litter , with venom, into a red truck bearing the logo ' Scruffy cleaners.. Never seen greeners', it promised a clean , environmentally conscious garden scrub up for those of a discerning nature. Soon... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted Thursday at 06:36 AM Share Posted Thursday at 06:36 AM our entrance door was clear again and the pavement pristine clean. 'Well done boys, that deserves a pat on the ...' 'back, a free meal and £10 each,'(converted into British currency for the majority 😁) added Rosie, giving me a hard stare, 'and you can stop making those ridiculous gobbling noises right now!' 'We're not ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted Thursday at 10:44 AM Author Share Posted Thursday at 10:44 AM moikin now noizis missis, an we are having 13 nots an our an not a flicking penny less..yer abandoned town ve parson wiz perrin fifteen quid an hour an not a single penny lower van vat', opined asquat black haired kidnapped Jimmy Joyful, 16, full of thr joys of roof. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.