itsmeagain Posted December 27, 2023 Author Share Posted December 27, 2023 licking at an open mega tub of Flora on the floor. Suddenly Henry Beech, 35, a visitor from Surrey, dropped his brolly in the toilet bowl after a push at the door from Molly Middlewich, leading to Mark Mangler of East London, to accost Molly and say, 'ei, silly bagga, stop yer impaishense, will yer,or oi'll call ve police..' Mark thought all disputes were best settled by police action, so on the phone he went. 'Ello..is vat Landan poleese?', he wailed, waving..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 28, 2023 Share Posted December 28, 2023 both arms around, making it difficult for the dispatcher to hear a word. '999 here, what is the nature of your emergency?' 'We 'ave wat yer might call a major disturbance at Johnny and Rosie's Cat Cafe,' shouted Mark. 'Please remain calm, speak quietly and describe the disturbance,' said the emergency operator. 'Well, it's loike this...' and Mark went on to describe how Henry Beech had been rammed in the back by a very impatient ( and to be fair, quite desperate) Molly Middlewich, causing a brolly blockage issue in one of the only two toilets. This had lead to a rather testy exchange between all parties involved. 'Testy exchanges don't come under the heading of an emergency, sir. Making a false emergency call can lead to a hefty fine and I suggest you ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 28, 2023 Author Share Posted December 28, 2023 try to resolve the matter amicably..Sir is that OK? Sir there's a protest outside a bank , hippies claiming banks are thieving corporations, so the police will be beating them up instead of attend some lefty veggie hippy cafe full of cats..' ''Moit, you're jass pretendin moit, you're a leftie yersel, you now you are', wailed a desperate Mark, as a pie dish flew past his head and embedded itself in a mural of the Queen visiting a Lambeth homeless shelter in 1990. ' Can we all calm... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 29, 2023 Share Posted December 29, 2023 down! We're closing now so if you'd kindly vacate the premises. As you leave I'll issue each one of you with a free complimentary coffee and cake voucher,' I said loudly. And more quietly, 'I'd appreciate if you're going to ring the Police, Mark, that you'd use the correct name for our establishment! It's 'Johnny and Rosie's Pussy Galore Cat Cafe' ... from the movie you know.' This actually had a calming effect on Mark and he started to waffle on about the comparative merits of the various James Bond movies. The other patrons were now ... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 29, 2023 Author Share Posted December 29, 2023 (edited) putting on coats , scarves , and mufflers, the latter being more appropriate for some than others, I mused, as we began clearing tables. I was feeling worried about how to appease Rosie, who would be like a kitten with a ball on this, until I appeased her. Shall I take her to the pictures? Make a stew? Start washing my plate after eating? Make the bed at home? What does a man do, I wondered, sat on a chair, a look of deep concentration on my face, my body leaning forward, head on fist, elbow on knee, determined to get to the bottom of this. Any thoughts I may have had regarding the issue of telling Rosie about the new name for the cafe, were brought forward, as ' daddy' entered, saying, ' I say, a young chappie out there has just told me this premises is called the Pussy Galore cat cafe..what a splendid idea..Rosie , start building the sign for the door to reflect that..I will design one for above the window, then we...... Edited December 29, 2023 by itsmeagain 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 29, 2023 Share Posted December 29, 2023 'll be in business.' 'Yes, Daddy,' said Rosie meekly, then, 'may I have a word with you, Johnny?' Here goes, I thought, the proverbial's gonna hit the fan! 'Johnny, I'm very proud of the way you handled the situation today and I'm sorry for being the cause of all the trouble. While I was locked in the conveniences, I had time to reflect on your marital situation and I think I understand why you’ve acted the way you have. Can you forgive me?' Rosie had tears trickling down her cheeks. 'Oh Rosie ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 29, 2023 Author Share Posted December 29, 2023 (edited) ...you're the most adorable 😍 love ever, I can't even say how much I love you...', and at that, we engaged in a whirling, swirling, clinch, which ended with us sashaying gaily across the room, until we sprawled over a kitchen table , recently cleared. 'Everyfin awroight ?', asked a man in blue overalls, paint stains, spanner in hand, 'owny my mavver erd a comocean jass earlier so oi fawt oid do me manly duties an....' 'Manly duties?', gasped Rosie, as I asked the man who he is. 'Jack Weldit', he said, 'oi owny live nearby.. what is vis ploice ennywoi?', he asked, his Edited December 29, 2023 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 30, 2023 Share Posted December 30, 2023 (edited) eyes open wide taking in the pie splattered portrait of the Queen, overturned chairs, cats hanging off curtains and perched on high cupboards and sniffing suspiciously at a rather unpleasant odour emanating from the WC's. 'We've had a wee spot of bother,' explained Rosie, 'I wonder if you could help us sort things out.' She gave her winning smile which seemed to melt the hearts of even the most tungsten variety. ''appy to be of service, Miss,' he said doffing his hat and giving a low bow. 'How are you on blocked loos?' I asked. 'I'll have you know ... Edited December 30, 2023 by poppy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 30, 2023 Author Share Posted December 30, 2023 I am a qualifoid plammer.. eres me certificate ', he declared, producing a yellowing script of paper with reddish writing,evidently rain damaged and suspiciously looking as if it's been stuck in his reeking ,sweaty arsed pocket for decades, maybe a millennia or so. 'Go on , sort it all out', I said, annoyed that Rosie was giving a muppet the glad eye,yet again. The phone rang, I picked it up. 'Marylebone hospital here , we had a report that a group of 3 people are reporting food sickness signs..are you... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 31, 2023 Share Posted December 31, 2023 the proprietor?' 'One moment, and I'll get him,' I said, handing the phone to Daddy and making myself scarce. 'Major Flowers here, to whom have I the pleasure of speaking? .... Now listen here young man, I'm not in the habit of tolerating being addressed in that discourteous manner! Let me speak to your superior, I wish to make a complaint.' I left them to it and went to see how old Weldit was getting on extricating the umbrella from the loo. It had been jammed in with such force that it had contorted itself around the S bend. Rosie was being plumber's assistant and handing him adjustable wrenches, plungers etc and keeping up a constant flow of ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 31, 2023 Author Share Posted December 31, 2023 (edited) oh so sweet small talk, that workaday lads such as Jack , lapped up. 'Ow lav, you are a lavvly girw...an oi guess es yer lucky feller is e. ? Moi oh moi, you're lavvly..', 'Tee hee, you're such a charmer..there's a tea and scone supper at the Mill next Thursday week, wanna join me and Johnny..I am certain Edited December 31, 2023 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted January 1 Share Posted January 1 we could make room for you.' 'Sorry, we're completely booked up, I'm afraid. Too bad, so sad, never mind.' 'Johnny! I'm sure we could fit one more in, after all Jack has kindly helped us out of our predicament.' 'Ahh, doing it for free are you Jack? Very generous of you. Rosie, you better go and see how Daddy's getting on with the hospital, he sounded a bit overwrought. You know, with his blood pressure and all.' 'Oh, dear Daddy! I've been neglecting him!' and she rushed off. 'Now look here, Weldit, I'll have you know ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted January 1 Author Share Posted January 1 your plumbing is not required. Our plumbers are Botchitt and Leakie, a new duo down from Aberdeen so leave..', and he did, and unpaid too. The audacity of the geezer was astonishing, he had the gall to ..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted January 2 Share Posted January 2 march in here uninvited, shove his tools under our noses and start flirting with Rosie! I suspect he had some nefarious purpose in mind, I'm not falling for that trick! I put a quick call in to Botchitt and Leakie, but unfortunately they were tied up in some legal proceedings ... professional negligence or something. We really needed our loo problem fixed or we wouldn't be able to open, not to mention the inconvenience of trekking a km or so every time nature called. I looked up the yellow pages and found ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted January 2 Author Share Posted January 2 Arthur Pound, in Brixham. Arthur had been to Everest, trying to find the wedding ring lost by one of Ed Hilary' s blokes in 1953 or something,but instead of that, Arthur found a new zest for life, learned how to make momos, and could regale his grandkids to be, with this feat, until about,..2035 ish..? 'Arfur Pound, plammer, ello?',came the plaintive,weedy voice down the receiver. Two hours later, a small, mousy 50 something bloke arrived, and seemed badly in need of two things..a haircut , and a toilet. 'Oim basstin fer a bog moit so oi spose oid better arry ap n fix vis ven shall oi?' Disgusted, I walked off only to find daddy and Rosie whispering in the kitchen. 'We were just talking.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted January 3 Share Posted January 3 about the difficulties you seem to be having with tradesmen,' said Daddy. 'I ... well, we think, actually, that it indicates some deep seated psychological problem, possibly a borderline personality disorder or pathological jealousy? These kinds of things usually stem from childhood, you know, perhaps father was a drain layer or a boilermaker or even a mechanic and you took a dislike to his dirty and smelly overalls? Now I have had some experience in treating these disorders and I would like to help you.' 'What an absolute lot of rot! My father ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted January 3 Author Share Posted January 3 (edited) himself was a respected counsellor, Hildebrand J Revolting, and he taught me all I need to know about psychology, thank you. If you think you're going to bedazzle me with quackery, you're mistaken. All the henchmen....' 'Roight moit, that's me dan.. she wazzen a taff job really..jass a removal of a brolly fram an S bend..vats 1 paand 56 ploise', implored Arthur, hand outstretched. ✋️ Staggered, I gave him a fiver instead. ' Moit, oi.... Edited January 3 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted January 4 Share Posted January 4 'm 'appy to 'elp any toime. Jus' giv me a ring on tha blower.' 'Will do, mate!' Here was one reliable tradesman, at least and not a single flirtatious or saucy comment directed at Rosie. 'Can you recommend any other tradesmen of a similar ilk to you? We've found recent ones to be thoroughly unreliable and frankly quite dodgy.' 'Personally,' said Daddy, 'I've had no problem with any of them. Culpa mendacium apud te!' 'I'm not interested in your medicine, Major, along with your psycho babble! Would you please just ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted January 4 Author Share Posted January 4 let myself plus your esteemed, estimable, established, daughter, get on with running 🏃♀️..' '..talking of running..the council have been notified, about the food poisoning here recently..the hospital have told them..expect..' 'The expected..', said I, suddenly worried that this issue... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted January 6 Share Posted January 6 might come back to bite us in the posterior. I decided to grab the bull by the horns, as if were, and ring the Brixham City Council. 'Revolting here, Jonathan Algernon Revolting. I'm just ringing concerning a complaint I believe you've had regarding a food poisoning outbreak at our premises? We have traced it to our chef who, behind our backs, was not following health and safety guidelines. His employment has since been terminated and the whole kitchen has been thoroughly disinfected and fumigated.' 'Thank you for contacting us Mr Revolting, but you do realise ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted January 6 Author Share Posted January 6 that if we have anymore. ' 'Yes I will be exposed in the press like a dangerous criminal. ' 'And rightly so..did you know, in London, 400 premises a year fail an inspection. Mr Revolting, we shall be unannounced visiting you on October 8 next year..we will not be telling you the date..' OK.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted January 8 Share Posted January 8 I made a mental note that Brixham City Council employees weren't the brightest bulbs on the Christmas tree so it shouldn't be too hard to worm our way out of any future complaints. Right, time to get back to more important issues. I went looking for ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted January 8 Author Share Posted January 8 Philbert, desirous, as I was, of having... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 a chat to him about the now vacant position of Head Chef. Philbert was an interesting character who fancied himself as a bit of a hipster. His luxurious beard was neatly trimmed and he wore his moustache handlebar style. The particular thing going for him was that he was heavily tattooed on every piece of visible skin. Rosie HATED tattooes. He had trained under the great ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted January 9 Author Share Posted January 9 Marilyn Manson, followed bands like Death by Fire , Snakeshit Aspirin, and Loafing.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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