itsmeagain Posted April 2 Author Share Posted April 2 hissing, suddenly running at Mrs Abercrombie, whose wails made the major think Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 3 Share Posted April 3 of a shrieking banshee. I decided she was probably having hysterics so grabbing a bucket of water, I threw it in her direction. Unfortunately, I accidentally (bahaha) missed and instead drenched the Major. This had a detrimental effect on his handlebar moustache, his natty spotted bow-tie, his odiferous smoking pipe, not to mention his temper. I watched him fascinated. At the first sign of water, Feral took off and hid up the chimney, thus solving one problem. The Major was still spluttering and gurgling when who should walk in, but Rosie! 'Darling! ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted April 3 Author Share Posted April 3 ...oooh we had such a spiffing time..' ' Rosalyn, dear daughter of mine, get your coat and do a swift about move, walk swiftly..' ' Daddy.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 3 Share Posted April 3 whatever are you talking about? I've just got home. I haven't seen Johnny for a month. I'll catch up with you later but for now ...' 'I command you to come with me this instant! This ...this sorry excuse for a homo sapien just threw a bucket of water over me and has been nothing but insulting ever since you've been away. I want you to have nothing further to do with him!' Rosie giggled, 'You do look a bit drippy Daddy, you trot off home and get dried up. I'm sure it was just an accident. Off you go now, I'm going to ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted April 4 Author Share Posted April 4 get a nice cup of tea, and give the cats some nice filet of fish, all the way from Japan. Did you know sashimi is supposed to be good for a cat..?... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 5 Share Posted April 5 'I've been feeding them fish exclusively while you've been gone, my love, you know how nothing's too good for our moggies. Now sit down, I'll make you a brew and you can tell me all about your trip.' 'There's just one thing, Johnny, why are the ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted April 5 Author Share Posted April 5 crockery bits all over..?...why such chaos..and who owns the dog..?. There's been a dog here..oh Johnny..do ensure no more major footprints from canines..it's ruined my chintz, also a dirndl skirt my mother gave me at Aunt Serena's 46th birthday...and another thing..what is all this about my daddy not being allowed a few shekels. Where.. oh where..is the cash?', she demanded, and I ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 6 Share Posted April 6 sat her down, patted her shoulder and told her not to worry about a thing, it was all under control. 'A stray dog created a bit of havoc, I'm going to get damages from the owner so all your things will be replaced. I don't know what Daddy's talking about, he's getting very confused about things you know. I gave him all the petty cash when he said he was short. Now love, do tell me all your news.' 'Well, you know ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted April 6 Author Share Posted April 6 (edited) how I said I loved Japan, well I do so..and you have looked after the kitties so well...we need to ensure the cattery is running 🏃♂️ efficiently, effectively, and in a co ordinated way...daddy is most annoyed but really to be Frank, I have endured so much rubbish from the old buffoon since when I was knee high to an ant, I am simply... Edited April 7 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 7 Share Posted April 7 over his nonsense. While I was away, I had plenty of time to think and I've come up with some ideas to improve our cafe, attract more clients and be more profitable. Firstly, I thought ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted April 7 Author Share Posted April 7 (edited) that YOU, Johnny, can be more hands on. Help the new lads bequeathed to us by Parson Cross, and remember, Rome wasn't built in a week ..or something. All flapjacks now cost a fiver, no tea refills,not for pensioners nor anyone else Edited April 7 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 8 Share Posted April 8 and people need to purchase food to use our cafe. They can't just come in here for moggy pats.' 'I'm perfectly happy to help with the boys, I'm very good at giving guidance and directives. And as long as you don't ban me from my brew refills, hang the rest of them!' There was a knock on the office door and ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted April 8 Author Share Posted April 8 (edited) in walked Parson Cross, jaunty and full of the joys of spring. 'Well well, Mr Disgusting...I hope all's well at this terrible time for the world..in sub Saharan Africa, illiterate people clamour for pens...have you any going spare..?...we are building a sun dial in Uganda, a zone named Mugunda. Can you see it within your remit,perchance, to review any charitable contribution and offer me the chance to build a tea shop in old style Saudi Arabia, beyond Jeddah..mmmmm..we have options for creative work galore, to grow more sorghum below Soweto, lentils in Lusaka, cornmeal in Caracas, the list is boundless dear man..I sincerely.... Edited April 9 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 9 Share Posted April 9 hope you have it in your Heart of Hearts to show real Charitable Love towards the World's Unfortunates, where there but for the Grace of God, go you and I.' 'Nope. Now if that's all, I'm busy. Shove off.' I pushed him out the door and slammed it shut. 'Oh dear,' said Rosie, ' I better go and console the poor man. Perhaps a cup of tea?' 'No refills remember ... and don't forget me', I called after her, and putting my feet up on the desk ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted April 10 Author Share Posted April 10 I began to peruse the news . Local man jailed for fraud. Pensions will be lost if... Teresa gets her new job.. What's this.. Mrs Abercrombie, 78, was walking by said cattery when out came a rather abrupt man. Said man duly harangued her and demanded she phone the council immediately to have the cat cafe closed down. A shaken Mrs Abercrombie said' I don't mind cats,it's people like that old gent I can't stand. I wonder if he's suffering from a mental problem.' Police were alerted, anyone knows the gent, ring them... 'Rosie..your father... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 11 Share Posted April 11 but then I thought better of it. I hid the newspaper and put a quick call in to the local constabulary. I was just hanging up the phone when Rosie came back with a tea tray. 'Who was that, dear?' she asked. 'Oh, just the ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted April 12 Author Share Posted April 12 local charitable association, asking do we need cat litter? 🐈 You see, there's been a lorry of cat litter overturn on the M1, and a bunch of charity bods have got hold of a ton or so , and wonder...' In burst PC Mark Mywords and his colleague, Duncan Disorderly. ' You are under a vest', declared Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 12 Share Posted April 12 the constable. 'Vest! Vest! I'll have you know this is a genuine tweed weskit! Vest, the very idea! Where do cops get educated these days? It's a public disgrace and I intend ...' 'We have received an anonymous call from this address,' interrupted PC Mywords, 'concerning an out of control male showing signs of mental derangement. Come quietly with us now, sir, for your own good. We will get you the help you so obviously require.' 'It wasn't me, you absolute tosser! It was ...' But before I could say anything else, Disorderly had grabbed me painfully by the arm, spun me round, handcuffed me and ... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted April 13 Author Share Posted April 13 (edited) was marching me out , when in waltzed Parson Cross, who said ' I say, good man Disgusting, it's jolly bad luck, old bean, one does do one's ultimately futile best..at once possible yet so far away ..' The Major entered, clutching Rosie's arm. ' There he is ..that's the demon', wailed Mrs Abercrombie, pointing at the Major, ' do pray,desist in your wicked endeavour to imprisonment of a fine man, and arrest that old fart..he's never apologised yet for what occurred in 1988, August, in Scarborough..ask... Edited April 13 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 14 Share Posted April 14 me what this disgusting old man did. Well I'll tell you, even though it causes me great embarrassment. He pinched my ... my... bottom. There's no other way of putting it.' She blushed bright pink. 'Well, in actual fact,' explained the Parson, 'you could have said your posterior, or your derriere, your hind cheeks or even your ...' 'Shut up! you blithering idiot!' I shouted. 'Can't you see you've arrested the wrong man?' 'Would you like to lay a complaint, Madam?' asked PC Mywords, totally ignoring me. 'I most certainly do! He kicked my Honey Puff too!' 'He kicked your WHERE???' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted April 14 Author Share Posted April 14 (edited) ' honey puff'. 'Major Flowers I am arresting you for the kicking of a female's honey puff, contrary to section 53.865432.87654.09887 of the Criminal Injustice against the person act, 1987. Sub part 5.8.' 'Hold on Officer. As a member of the clergy , may I intervene on behalf of the esteemed, the Holy and entirely (dis]honourable Major, he's a veteran of the ban landmines in Eritrea caucus, the Give a Bit Back assault on Mmgrant poverty in Myanmar and South Euthanasia , the Pretend there's no Hunger in England 2002 award, presented by Charlotte the Charlatan Fitzhubert of the Micro...' 'Enough.....I ... Edited April 15 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 15 Share Posted April 15 'm arresting you as well for interfering in a police investigation.' That made three of us in handcuffs. Just then a group of the parson's wayward youths, who'd been half-heartedly emptying litter trays and washing food dishes, burst in shouting, 'It's the rozzers! Get 'em!' and they let loose with sling shots and pea shooters. The two policemen retreated hastily and ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted April 15 Author Share Posted April 15 (edited) myself, 'daddy', plus Rosie, ended up falling into an undignified heap on the floor, while the parson decided to make a run for it, his clanking chains being an object of scorn for several customers at a local Tesco store. ' Please assist me', said the parson, 'but I had a bit of a mishap involving handcuffs in a local fancy dress charity ball..and the result is, well, somewhat less than spiffing, definitely not ideal, and ..' ' So...you're not our real local vicar.. just a muppet who goes to bondage parties mid afternoon while mugs work for a living', declared Bill Puddled, 53, a bricklayer from Brixham, ' if I ever... Edited April 15 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted April 16 Share Posted April 16 see you round here again, I'll flatten you. Now @#%& off!' Parson Cross spluttered and stuttered in indignation at being so sorely misunderstood. Everything seemed to have gone wrong since he began associating with the cat cafe. Here he was nobly standing up for the esteemed Major Flowers and all he got for his pains was trouble with the constabulary and abuse from the working classes. He did his best to drag troubled youth out of the gutter and provide them with constructive endeavours but they showed him no respect either. He might just as well ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted April 16 Author Share Posted April 16 (edited) be a selfish, egotistical, self absorbed, prat, and, were it not for an abiding , deep faith, in the ways , the works, of the Lord, he would claim benefits, drink beer, do cocaine, rip off all and sundry in business, and stand for parliament in the next election. However, the sheer dismal thought of having to spend time alongside the likes of BJ Johnson, Priti, and co, made him queasy. 'I am certain I read a piece where Michael Gove took a sandwich from a homeless man , as he felt hungry, when, in the eyes of the Lord, it is ' feast ye well O righteous poor Always welcome at God's door If you're not so poor, but rich Life is likely to be a bitch.' Which, to our dear parson, meant that people will say bad things to you and worse behind your back.Only the other day he had read about the abuse wealthy footballers get due to being high profile. Lost in reverie, God's divine plan became real, before his beady blue eyes, and so he failed to see... Edited April 16 by itsmeagain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.