ned

I love waffles, i don't know wether i have mentioned this or not. I had some sort of fish in a strange spicy sauce

I was watching my nephew because his mum and dad over indulged a little last night and asked me if i could keep him for the morning while they recovered. We decided to have a pizza for lunch. His choice of topping? Cheese, chocolate and hundreds and thousands. I managed to talk him out od the chocolate but he still insisted on the hundreds and thousands. I was boring and had ham and pineapple.

Halfway through my James Patterson

I've heard good things about this but i can't bring myself to watch it because i don't really enjoy him on Mock The Week so i don't think i would enjoy a full 30 minutes of him

Some are from friends who email or text me jokes, some are from websites and someare from my own files when i used to write jokes for the 118 118 joke text service for extra cash

I took my girlfriend round to see my family today. My wife went mental. Here's a tip for you: When you start going out with someone, just after they go to sleep at night, put a nicotine patch on their arm. Then, just before they wake up in the morning, take it off again. This way, if they ever leave you, they'll get withdrawal symptoms, think it's love, and come back. Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year. I was heading into a pub the other night with a bag of chips when the guy on the door goes to me..."Sorry mate this is not a chip shop"... I stood there for a minute and said "Why would I bring a bag of chips into a chip shop?" When I was a toddler, my parents would always say, "Excuse my French" just after a swear word. I'll never forget the first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French. What is the most stupid animal in the jungle? A polar bear. Women's first thought when coming across a skid mark in the toilet: "Eeww! That's horrible; I must get cleaning equipment before I can use this." Men's first thought when coming across a skid mark in the toilet: "Hmmm... Can I remove this with the contents of my bladder?" One of my nipples is a different colour from the other two. Is this normal? Why is Santa Claus always smiling? Because he knows where all the bad girls live. A bad workman blames his fools EDIT: *tools stupid keyboard. My Mum always hides bad news from me. I only just found out about the death of Princess Diana. Oh well. Seeing Michael Jackson at the O2 tonight should cheer me up. My son came home from school looking all excited. "I got a B on my reading test," he told me. "That's a D," I replied. My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me. I just bought a film with 3.142 stars out of 5. It was a pi rated DVD.

M.o.t.d

*** MAN RULES *** 1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work. 2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man. 3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic. 4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks! 5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction. 6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard. 7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with. 8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah". 9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like. 10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb. 11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that. 12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings. 13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad. 14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it? 15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles. 16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later. 17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya." 18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver. 19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah. 20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage". 21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad?" 22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

Get the book X-Rayed and then you dont have to open it

Just seen the Beyonce and Lady GaGa video for the song Video Phone.

I imagine that will cause quite a bit of flatulence, you should make him sleep outside tonight

101 Dinner Party Songs. What!!! Have they really run out of ideas for music compilations now?? What next? 101 Songs To Pick Songs By.

Let me guess.The Daily Mail. The Express probably had a go at it too and linked it in some way to Princess Dianas death. They'll do anything for a Diana story.

I didn't mind Death Proof, it was a good idea for a film. Might not have been Tarintino on top form but it was better than alot of the other offerings in the cinema.

25 things only us men do: 1. Look in the tissue after blowing our nose. 2. Touch hot things, Just to see how hot it is. 3. Set off early, And arrive late. 4. Order food, And still keep looking at the menu. 5. Fart and be proud. 6. Beep at girls. 7. Dance to the toilet when out clubbing. 8. Call everyone mate. 9. Dance back from the toilet. 10. Put mobile phone in our front right pocket. 11. Check our phone for no reason. 12. Have a jar for loose change. 13. Hit snooze at least 3 times. 14. Moan about the weather, when inside. 15. Stub our toe, Then blame the thing we stubbed it on. 16. Say 'I love you too' Quietly. 17. Sit with our hands down our trousers, and fiddle. 18. Wear a t-shirt in winter, because we've been to the gym. 19. Call every woman darling. 20. Pee in the shower. 21. Fart in the bath. 22. Lie about our dreams. 23. Lose the house keys, at home. 24. Save a girls number, With a blokes name. 25. Look in the mirror, and tense our arms

The Intel Ad where the guy changes the - for a + on the board. It's so silly it's funny

Beef stir fry tonight

After i read my first Andy McNab i started to think that i could survive if someone chased me into the jungle and ......... (i think i've revealed too much about myself)

Why are chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great watching one fall down a flight of stairs. As I sat in the living room my 5 year old shouted at me from the back door. "I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside." I said. Again, he shouted back. "I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room." I replied. A few moments later my son appeared in the living room. "Dad, I've got dog sh*t all over my shoes."

The man was a legend. May i also suggest Bill Hicks, Love AllThe People. Very similar and an excellent read

The best was the week he complained and then Jedward (who should have been named Pat and Rick) come out and sing Vanilla Ice's song which uses a bastardised version of Under Pressure

Is that the rule? If it is a christmas song it counts? Is that in Louis Walsh's rule book

Well it didn't deserve 3 rolling eyes from Cliff's no.1 fan

Tiger Woods, the only guy on Earth that can drive a golf ball further than a car