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Funny story & Joke Corner

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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

 

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, a woman next to him says,

“Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

 

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

 

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

 

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

“No … not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”   :angel_not:

 

:rolol:  Too funny! :giggle2:

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Surely that should be SHE made the world round and laughed and laughed - LOL!

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What does one train say to another? I love the way you play Station.

 

LOL!

 

Good one. :)

Nice one!

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Profound Truths

 

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. – Betsy Salkind

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. – John Glenn

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray. We closed our eyes. When we opened them...we had the Bible and they had the land! – Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked. – David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire. – Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the Pawn go into the same box. – Italian proverb

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. – Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. – Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. – Emo Philips

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. – Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. – Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. – Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror. – Jean Rostand

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. – Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. – W.H. Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. – Jonathan Katz

If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. – Johnny Carson

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. – Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. – Jimmy Durante

America is so advanced, that even the chairs are electric. – Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. – George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport. – Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. – Robert Benchley

 

Edited by muggle not

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Did you hear about the man who was run over by a train?

 

He was chuffed to bits!

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They said I wouldn't amount to anything, but I invented an invisibility cloak.

 

If only they could see me now... 

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Greatest joke I ever heard was how, every 4th year. England's football experts claim "We got a real chance this year guys", as another world cup disaster unfolds.

Edited by itsmeagain

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Q. Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

 

A. Because the chance processes of becoming adhered to various other mobile objects had occurred in such a way that lead it to move gradually across the carriageway.

 

Or to put it another way ...

 

A.  It got stuck to the chicken's foot.

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All these jokes remind me of my grandfather. He loved jokes and pranks.

 

I still remember his last words to me: "stop shaking the ladder, you b@$+@rd!!"

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Here is an update on the national security warning levels around the world. If you are a frequent traveler or simply planning a vacation in a foreign country, please pay attention:

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the 'persons of dubious parentage'." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

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Here is an update on the national security warning levels around the world. If you are a frequent traveler or simply planning a vacation in a foreign country, please pay attention:

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

 

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

 

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the 'persons of dubious parentage'." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

 

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

 

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

 

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

 

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

 

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

 

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

 

:rolol: Classic!

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:rolol: Classic!

It's funny how the forum automatically corrected the "b" word in the Scottish escalation level to 'persons of dubious parentage.' Now I am tempted to try other words, just to see how they get corrected.

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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

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I have no home. I have no control. I can't see any escape. I don't see an alternative.

 

I need a new keyboard.

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A naked woman with big breasts robbed a bank.

 

When the police interviewed them, none of the witnesses could remember what her face looked like.

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An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the Smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's Smartest President took my schoolbag."
 

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