poppy Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 'Over there,' Dave waved his hand at the clothes racks, all the while not taking his eyes off his latest Xbox magazine, 'help yourself.' Gilbert dumped his choice on the counter, a clashing cacophony of colour, including a particularly garish argyle jumper. Dave rung them up on the till.'That'll be..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 98.99 precisely", declared Dave, in a lacklustre way so typical of modern man. Gilbert suddenly realised that his wallet was gone. His aged mother, Florence Nitful,duly answered the phone. "My dear Gilbert, what's up dear", she intoned, worry etching itself across the mosaic of her feelings."I need cash mom, a woman, an old flame, Rosetta, done throw me in the river." Florence was. .. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 not at all surprised. Her son had been thrown into rivers at regular intervals ever since he was knee-high to a grasshopper and making a nuisance of himself with the population at large. She well remembered the time that Gilbert had ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 struck Ernest Starbuck, 60, of Brixton, on the head with a lump of coke taken from mum's coal fire. Ernest had stormed around to see Florence, irate, and,swearing he will take revenge on Gilbert if ever a lump of hot coke should fly over the garden wall again. At pains to be logical, Gilbert next day told Ernest that lumps of coke do not possess wings , and so they cannot fly. Forcing laughter, through gritted teeth, Ernest vowed to get the 15 year old clown back. Next January , Gilbert was fishing for sprats on the River Putrescent in Croydon.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 a favourite pastime of his. He liked to secrete dead ones in out-of-the-reach places in neighbour's gardens and buildings. He would watch from his treehouse with barely suppressed hysterics as they sniffed and poked around looking for the source of the disgusting all-pervading stench. Ernest suspected that young Gilbert had something to do with it all and what with that and coal projectiles flying around willy-nilly, it was with great pleasure that he .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 (edited) one August evening,came down to the river and told Gilbert that he really needed to see this!! All Gilbert needed to do was to stand up and creep slowly down the river wall, and he would see a naked lady through a gap in the wall. Frothing at the mouth, Gilbert slid hopefully down, directed by a very earnest Ernest, who..... Edited December 11, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 sneaked around the other side of the wall and poked Gilbert in the eye when he peered lecherously through the hole. And then as Gilbert was stumbling round blindly, bellowing at the top of his voice, Ernest gave him a very satisfactory shove which ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 (edited) had Gilbert floundering in the water, yelling for help."He was pushed by a thug passing by!!" shouted Ernest, attempting to hide his mirth. The fire brigade hauled Gilbert from the water, worms and leaves in equal proportions in his hair. "I can honestly say it wasn't me", Edited December 12, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 cried Ernest earnestly, fingers crossed behind his back. 'You did! You did! He bloomin' well pushed me, the lying sod!' Gilbert spluttered, spitting out soggy leaves, a worm and what looked suspiciously like a very cross tadpole. And that's how ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Florence reckoned that her son had brought it all on himself yet again."Mum i am in a haberdasher shop , I have no clothes on , get me some cash please." Gilbert was now so... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 overwrought that it actually came out like, 'Mum I'm all shickered up, got no clothes on, get me some hashish please!' 'GILBERT!!' Florence bellowed down the phone, and if it hadn't been for a stray bit of waterweed that had lodged itself in Gilbert's right ear, he would have been rendered permanently deaf. She slammed down the phone. There was only one thing for it ....Gilbert did it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 He rang his mum again, half an hr later her satnav was looking up Puddlemuck Avenue haberdashers, where she soon brought her son 100 pounds, got him kitted out, and said " come to tea, do, your dad wanted. .. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 to give you some good news. Great Uncle Marvyn, twice removed, has kicked the bucket and left you his twenty bedroom mansion and life savings of a cool twenty-five million. He remembers you fondly from the time you ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 saved his,wee dog, Periwinkle, from being caught by a lion when Uncle Dick let Periwinkle off the lead in a safari park in Liverpool. You were a mere eight years old, yet ucle Marv always marvelled at how diligently you brought Periwinkle the Pekinese, back to safety." All Gilbert could think of now, was all the rollups, beer, and doughnuts he can buy,with the cool 25 million smackeroons. He decided to contact Rosetta. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 The line was engaged. Gilbert mused how funny fate was at times. Little had Uncle Marv realised that he was, in fact, trying to tip Periwinkle, who he detested with an intensity only matched by the little dog's detestation of him, into the lion's enclosure, when he slipped over the rail and fell in too. For once Periwinkle put aside all feelings of rancour, quickly summing up that Gilbert was the lesser of two evils and clung manfully to Gilbert's trouser fly with his surprisingly strong teeth. Gilbert exhibited amazing agility for one who, when he wasn't proving himself an utter blot on the universe's landscape, spent the majority of his life lying prone on his bed playing video games of the more violent and bloody kind. He scaled the den's wall with the sprightlyness of a .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 18, 2015 Share Posted December 18, 2015 kangaroo on acid, and went on his merry way. Now in the haberdashery, he set off back home in a beige VW , mum steering dutifully and with... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 19, 2015 Share Posted December 19, 2015 far more exuberance than competence. How she'd ever managed to avoid an exorbitant fine and having her licence permanently cancelled, was one of life's many mysteries. Weaving in and out of traffic, overtaking recklessly, foot to the floor whilst still in first gear, was not the most soothing way to negotiate peak hour traffic, but it was one that Gilbert had grown up with. Shutting his eyes tightly and bracing his feet against the dashboard, he prayed that he'd live long enough to... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 20, 2015 Share Posted December 20, 2015 get his mitts on the dosh proffered by the dead man named Marvin. He would buy 125 doughnuts,with cream as a fabulous treat, he would smoke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 Cuban cigars like Winston Churchill and develop a rotund tummy to match. He might even invest in a waistcoat and pocket watch. He was brought abruptly out of his reverie by ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 21, 2015 Share Posted December 21, 2015 (edited) the motor pulling up outside Florence's abode. Wilf Supermarket, 61, dad of Gilbert, was out quickly, shaking hands with his son, who was keen to hear any news about money. "Where's the cheque dad?",enquired Gilbert, who was not noted for diplomacy. "Where I put it", said Wilf, enigmatically. "Sit down son, and have a cup of tea...new suit I see", said dad, less than affably. Edited December 21, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 'Armani. On tick. So how much is the cheque for? Show me!' Patience wasn't one of Gilbert's predominant attributes. 'All in good time son, all in good time. Sit down and drink your tea. Mother and I was thinking that you'll be rattling around like a marble in a dustbin in that dusty old mansion of Uncle Marv's. We've decided to move in with you and .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 24, 2015 Share Posted December 24, 2015 (edited) in addition, Bert Winters, 87, from Scrambled egg road, you know, the bloke whose false teeth keep on falling out in the pub, well he can't cope at home so he is coming with us. He can sleep in the garage, an old electric heater will be sufficient, a few quilts,to throw on him". "Any women?" asked Gilbert, in hope more than expectation. Edited December 24, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 25, 2015 Share Posted December 25, 2015 'Well, I thought we could ask Myrtle from Tosser Street, she could be housekeeper.' 'Cor blimey Dad, she must be all of sixty-five, I was looking for someone closer to me age, to act as a companion, provide a few home comforts like, if you get my drift,' Gilbert leered. 'Well son, there'll be no shortage of ladies offering home comforts when you start flashing your money around.' Gilbert decided to give Rosetta another call. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 26, 2015 Share Posted December 26, 2015 (edited) A prolonged coughing fit greeted Dosetta when she answered as follows. "Rosetta, yes am better, yes am well well well..and you?" "Oh these damn cigs, cahacah ahcahacahacah..oh god is it Rosetta?" Rosetta suddenly realised it was... Edited December 26, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 27, 2015 Share Posted December 27, 2015 Gilbert, and was on the verge of hanging up when he blurted out that he'd had a bit of a windfall. 'What kind of a windfall?' asked Rosetta suspiciously. 'Just a cool twenty-five mill and my very own chateau, that's all.' 'I'll be right over,' said Rosetta and immediately ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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