itsmeagain Posted November 19, 2015 Share Posted November 19, 2015 stag do for Bert Balls, 32, who hailed from Bermondsey. "Gimme a bite o yurr sausage!!" , said,Elsie Dovenest, 55, "I haven't had one for forrteen yearrs!" The whole place erupted in laughter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 'How'd you get in 'ere Else?? This 'ere's a boys only affair!' demanded Bert. 'You must be three sheets to the wind our Bert, I'm ya bloomin' barmaid!' Bert let out a loud roar of laughter ending in a hiccup. 'Then 'oo's ya floosie friend in that fetching little fluffy number?' He peered leeringly at Gilbert and gave him a .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 swift slap to his posterior. Our Gilbert, generally being a sedate type of soul, did not take too kindly to that, and turned upon his accoster. "Can I please have a bit of shush?? Keep your eyes open for a girl named Rosetta. When we were skint in the old days we used to scrump apples from Fandangle's orchard in Surrey, we rigged electric meters , etc..all to get by..but now the cow chucked me in a river." A roar of laughter enveloped the room, as.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted November 20, 2015 Share Posted November 20, 2015 Bert gave Gilbert's towel a twitch. 'What were you doing wiv all your clothes orf then? Didn't you come up to expectations like and she chucked you in the river in disgust?' The crowd erupted in laughter again. 'It wasn't ...I didn't ....It's not ....' Gilbert stuttered in embarrassment. With another toss of his waterweed bedecked head he ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted November 21, 2015 Share Posted November 21, 2015 rushed away from this awful dive, out into a cool London afternoon. "I must get some clothes before I get stopped by the police", he mused, rhetorically. "And when I get some food down me, I can go home and change... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 the budgerigar's grit sheet, it's long overdue for a new one.' Gilbert was possibly suffering a little from shock after his unexpected frozen dunking ....or possibly Gilbert had the attention span of one of the lesser gnats when it came to concentrating on the important details in life. Hoisting his pink fluffy towel above his knees, he plodded manfully on, hoping something .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted November 24, 2015 Share Posted November 24, 2015 (edited) would turn up. In that sense he was like a slug, as he had the motivation of a slug and also he was suitably attired, as his towel was covered in a degree of slime which wouldn't look out of place if it had emanated from a greasy slug. Gilbert entered a shop that said "wash and brush, ease your pains here", and "happy ending offered". "Hmmm, must sell books", mused Gilbert, as a dark skinned lady named Songchee, ushered him in with a smile. "I only entered for a wash", said Gilbert. Edited November 24, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 'Brush and ease your pains, happy ending guarantee only $10 extra?' questioned Songchee. It was at that point Gilbert suddenly came to the realisation he had no money on him, his wallet was still in his trouser pocket lying discarded by the muddy river bank. Gilbert felt like ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted November 26, 2015 Share Posted November 26, 2015 (edited) sinking into the ground. "Can you let me pay after Ive washed? Only i have been dressed in a pink fluffy blanket all day?" Songchee was puzzled by the little odd man, and Edited November 26, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted November 27, 2015 Share Posted November 27, 2015 thought she'd humour him a little longer. 'You can wash dish and dry in return for bath, but no extra ease your pains longtime. OK?' Gilbert had no idea why she kept going on about easing his pains. A paracetamol only cost a few cents, for heaven's sake, he had no intention of paying a ridiculous sum for a couple of analgesics. 'Fine,' he sighed, 'just let me ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted November 28, 2015 Share Posted November 28, 2015 go relieve myself in toilet now please". Odd little bloke, thought Songchee, relieving himself when... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted November 29, 2015 Share Posted November 29, 2015 she'd seen him doing the exact same thing behind a tree before he entered her shop. 'Perhaps he have waterwork problem,' she thought to herself, 'he need Songchee's special remedy.' When Gilbert came back she said ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted November 29, 2015 Share Posted November 29, 2015 (edited) "now my sweet man, remove your clothes. Do not be shy, you need stress relief, I am your stress reliever." Gilbert gulped.. "Christ, a man can't even call in for a wash now without a massage thrown in...." "Chop chop little man", chided Songchee, demurely. "What's a happy ending and in what book?", asked Gilbert, bemused. Edited November 29, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 He slowly sidled to the door. His mother had warned him about girls like this. Exactly what had she in mind to 'chop chop'?? Not waiting to find an answer, he grabbed one of the complimentary bathrobes, this time in a fetching mauve, and ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted November 30, 2015 Share Posted November 30, 2015 hurtled frantically towards the door. Making a swift exit, and heading towards the nearest bus home, he was impressed once again by.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 the gullibility of busdrivers who didn't realise he was dropping can tabs in the fare box instead of money. Settling himself comfortably in a side facing seat and trying to act nonchalent in his purple robe with the cheeky rabbit ear hood, he poked his tongue out at a young child who was ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 1, 2015 Share Posted December 1, 2015 mesmerised by Gilbert's rotting blackened stubs that passed for teeth. " That man's so ugly mummy, he has got black teeth. Does he clean them?", asked CynthiaSpudd, 4, from Harwich. "Shhhhhhsssh!", wailed mummy Susan, 23, looking abashed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 She dragged Cynthia off at the next stop, still staring back at Gilbert and poking her tongue out at him in return. A burly builder boarded the bus and plonked himself down beside Gilbert, giving him a rather over-familiar nudge with his shoulder. Gilbert was nearly knocked flying. 'How's tricks, sweetie,' asked ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 2, 2015 Share Posted December 2, 2015 the builder, Bob by name, builder by game, gardening being an interest of his on cold October days. "I am male", declared Gilbert gruffly, flexing a flabby arm, and showing nicotine stained fingers to Bob the silly builder "Prove it honey, I hope you can back at my gaff", said Bob lecherously. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 Gilbert stood up and wrapping his robe around himself more tightly, flounced off to another seat. Bob the builder followed. 'Playing hard to get are we darlin'?' and he gave Gilbert a playful slap. 'Driver!!' bellowed Gilbert pulling the emergency cord. The bus came to a screaming halt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 "What the blazes is,'appening ere?", yelled bus driver Benji Fracas, 34. "Do you two boys want the cops,or are you going to calm down?" Aggrieved, Bob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 shouted, 'I aint done nuthink, ain't touched the blighter, he's a right poofter!' 'Who you calling a poofter??' demanded Gilbert and took a swing at him. He missed Bob completely and instead, with a sickening crunch, hit ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 5, 2015 Share Posted December 5, 2015 (edited) Darryl Farter, 23, from Croydon, square on the jaw. Being quite an unforgiving type of a bloke, it became imperative that Darryl retaliate, and swiftly. He threw a ball of wool.... Edited December 5, 2015 by itsmeagain Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 6, 2015 Share Posted December 6, 2015 by mistake. He'd meant to throw an empty beer bottle but his Mum was in the middle of knitting him a bright orange jumper for Christmas and she'd run out of wool. Darryl was taking her home more supplies. Bob rolled around laughing. 'Got a right couple of poofters here!' Now Darryl was mad too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsmeagain Posted December 7, 2015 Share Posted December 7, 2015 Benji ordered all three men off his bus. Gilbert ran like he had not run since someone offered him a job cleaning toilets at Kings Cross station. He saw a sign for a haberdasher,and went in. "Ignore the pink blanket", declared Gilbert, "it don't mean I am a gay." "Who cares..gay means happy to me", said Dave Gilcup, 32, the assistant. "I need a shirt, trousers, and jumper." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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