Funny story & Joke Corner

[poppy]

Lots of folk miss the ones in "of"...

 

I can't believe I did that ....must have read it about 10 times and just didn't see them

[bev]

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps in front of them.

"This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down."

"I'm game for this," says the Welshman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.

 

The Englishman goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.

The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts "WEEEEEEE!"

[bev]

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU B*ST*RD!!!!"

[Michelle]

I do hope our Irish members don't get offended.....

[bev]

I thought I'd compete with Charm, most of her jokes are Irish (& she is Irish )

But sorry in advance if anybody is upset.

[paige turner]

Two monkeys in a bath.

 

One says 'Oooo Aa Aa Oooo Aa'

 

The other replies ' Look, if it's too hot, put some cold in! '

[poppy]

The Navy Lark

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

 

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

 

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

 

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

 

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her

duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

 

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

 

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

 

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

 

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

 

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

 

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ............ full speed ahead."

 

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

 

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

 

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

 

Nelson: "What?"

 

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

 

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

 

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

 

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

 

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

 

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

 

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

 

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

 

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

 

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

 

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

 

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

 

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

 

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

 

Nelson: "We're not?"

 

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

 

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

 

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

 

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

 

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

 

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

 

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

 

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

 

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

 

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

[Kell]

Oh, that last one had me in stitches!

[Charm]

I thought I'd compete with Charm, most of her jokes are Irish (& she is Irish )

But sorry in advance if anybody is upset.

 

Oh don't worry about me! Did you see where I live? A sense of humour is essential Look at the mess we used to be in! Its much better now and I do think you should be able to laugh at yourself lol

[Charm]

Loved the navy lark!

 

Letter to God...

 

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

 

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no

actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

 

The letter read:

 

Dear God,

 

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had

[Ceinwenn]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

 

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Tran substantiate

 

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

[Charm]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY ...

 

Nice one!

[bev]

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, and then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him

[bev]

A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to again take the step, only to discover that she couldn

[bev]

Tom and Johnny were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, Johnny suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. Tom jumped in and saved

Johnny and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.

Then doctor said to Tom:

 

[Severnlad]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little

ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the

middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being

pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a

nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer.

The fireman noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar

and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how

to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's

collar, I think you could go faster.'

 

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but

then I wouldn't have a siren.'

What do you think of that one then???

[Charm]

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why do you keep looking in your pocket?'

The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!'

[bev]

[Stephanie2008]

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why do you keep looking in your pocket?'

The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!'

 

I love this

[Guest ii]

You can also find this written, but noone does this bit better than Abbott and Costello:

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=sShMA85pv8M

[bev]

Not really a joke but makes you think............

 

What disease did cured ham have ?

What's the difference between unique and very unique?

We put in our two cents, but only get a penny for our thoughts. Who gets the extra penny?

When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?

Can you cry under water?

Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?

When you get to heaven, are you stuck for eternity wearing the same clothes you were buried in?

Why did we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to make luggage with wheels?

Why are actors IN movies but ON television?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?

Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?

Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?

Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?

If a deaf person goes to court, do they call it a hearing?

What is a Japanese maple tree called in Japan? (Ans: Baby's Palm)

We say, "It's Greek to me." What do the Greeks say? (Ans: It's Chinese to me.)

If we don't care that Jimmy cracked corn, why do we still sing about it?

Why does Goofy stand upright and Pluto stand on all four feet? They're both dogs.

Do "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and "The Alphabet Song" have the same tune?

On Gilligan's Island, the professor could make a radio out of a coconut. Why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat?

If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that stuff from ACME, why doesn't he just buy himself dinner?

Can you drive in the car pool lane if you're driving a hearse with t corpse in it?

Why does a dog get mad at you if you blow in his face, but then stick his head out the window when you take him for a car ride?

[Charm]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bin bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while a

[Guest ii]

*laughs*

 

Good thing the hole wasn't in the other bag!

[bev]

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about...Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

[bev]

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''''I''m Eddie, I''m here to pick up Betty. We''re going for spaghetti, is she ready?''''

 

"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''''I''m Joe, I''m here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''''Hello, my name is Chuck.''''

The farmer shot Chuck.