Continue the story.....

[poppy]

you think you might find something else to do while she's here. I don't want to upset her on our first meeting.'

'Rosie,' I said, 'I'm not leaving you alone with that woman! You do realise she's got designs on you, don't you?'

'What do you mean designs? Like she wants to steal stuff or something? She wouldn't be wanting to steal a cat, would she?? I'd be very angry if she tried to steal one of our pussies!'

Rosie is so innocent. She was incredulous when I  explained that some women are attracted to other women. She didn't believe me.

'Oh Flora would never be like that. Why she ...

[itsmeagain]

said she loathes possessive people, she informed me that in our friendship,no restrictions are put in place..'

'Exactly..she expects you to sit meekly by while she worms her way into our relationship,  poisoning your mind against me, trying to get you into bed.. '

'Women..just don't act deceitfully like you men...we have a finer sense of ethics..all the wars..all the massacres..down to men..'

Although I too believed  men , or male run society, was the cause of much unpleasantness in our world, I was not happy to go along  with the rest of her spiel,which came across as if Flora was feeding her story lines and she was doing as told in acceptance of them.

Still, I thought in self reproach how many times had I sat nodding while some wit threw concealed bigotry my way,me nodding like a car window Dalmatian while some bloke rails against 'mass immigration ', while as soon as the bloke left my side I breathed such a sigh of relief that the office or pub door blew shut...

But I said , full of peevish worry, 'Oh I say..Flora lectures you in feminist theory..whileI, a man of decent learning g plus good heart, has to stand by aniseed my lover stolen by some two bit college graduate with a chip ....'

' She doesn't eat chips Johnny, she's healthy and ..'

The doorbell rang..it was ..drum roll please...Flora. She looked strikingly....

[poppy]

unflowerlike. She was dressed in builders overalls and turned down wellies, she sported several sailor tattooes including an anchor, skull and crossbones and a cutlass, and she smoked a particularly odiferous pipe of Turkish Shag ( I believe there was a hint of something from Amsterdam in there, as well, but don't quote me).

'Ahoy!' she bellowed. 'I'm here for Rosie, got no time for the male of the species.' She glared at me in a menacing manner.

Rosie looked stunned. 'I'm Rosie and I'm afraid that ...

[itsmeagain]

I am unavailable ', she said, moving rapidly to the door, watched by a bellowing Flora. 

'I never wanted aggro, just peace', wailed the adorable Rosie, ' so do kindly leave..'

'He poisoning your mind with patriarchy, I see..well I am not about to allow it and I'll be back, Mr Jimmy Disgusting..'

'John..Revolting', I laughed ,hand out to shake her masculine hand, ' and I will allow you to leave only if you donate to our cats', I declared, terribly  pushing my luck.

'I thought you were an architect', wailed Rosie.

' I said it to make you fink I '@d manny, sweet cheeks', said Flora, ' me real noim's Cynfia Leather an oi works in a launderette..appy..?', and with that she departed, never, I 

 

Edited December 15, 2023 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

sincerely hoped, to darken our door again.

'You're just a nasty grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake!' shouted Rosie to Flora's retreating back, which was the harshest criticism I'd ever heard her use. She was very upset, so I gave her a big hug and told her ...

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I love her, which went down so well , she promised to loofah my back next time I go in the shower. Later that night,Rosie asked me to elaborate upon what type of girlfriend I have encountered in the past. Was it simply my lack of wish to have her jealous, or was it lack of 'Clothilde awareness' that I wanted her to maintain?

'Well let's just say you're really the very best' , I said, trying to keep things all non intrusive,light,and woolly.

' No but you have had partners and I want to know just a tiny bit about them,I am curious', she said, a curious,,persistent, gleam in her eye.

She.....

[poppy]

had to know sometime, I guess. I wouldn't put it past Clothilde to come bursting in one day and completely let the cat out of the bag, metaphorically speaking.

'Rosie, darling,' I said, 'I really haven't wanted to talk about my past, it's so very painful. But I owe it to you to be honest, however much it distresses me.' I gave a little whimper.

'Oh Johnny, I'm here for you, not matter what your past holds.' Rosie clutched my hand.

'When I was very young,' I continued, after I'd regained my composure, 'I made a very foolish ... attachment and we, well we ... got hitched.'

'Johnny! You don't mean...

 

[itsmeagain]

..to say..oh..you have once been..married..?  I mean..'

'I have my dear..but only for a few years and , well, against my will..you see, I was on an expedition to save Danish wildlife, specifically the Great Danish hawk,  Hawkus Danishcus,and the lesser Scandinavian starling, the Odense wheatear and the Northern Star muntjac..from extinction..and some evil Vikings kidnapped me and made me marry the wench known as ..as..Clothilde..'

Beside herself with dismay,Rosie..

Edited December 16, 2023 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

( he's such a bs artist 🤣)

 

burst into tears.

'It's alright darling, I promise I'll get a divorce as soon as I can raise enough money to pay off her wicked Viking father and track down Clothilde. She abandoned me for a proctologist who she said had winning ways.'

'Surely,' sniffed Rosie, 'if she abandoned you, after two years you're entitled to a divorce? My friend Maisie got one after her husband ran away to the circus.'

'Errrr ... laws are different for Vikings. And there's the little matter of paying back the dowry.'

'How much is that then? I could always ask ...

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daddy to aid us pecuniarily,  if we require remuneration for the vicissitudes of modern hectic life in this post modern, post ancient,post it note era...but Johnny..are you going to show me a photo of her..this mystery wife of yours..aaaaarrrggggghh ', she cried, wailing in the back room of the cafe, causing waiter Cyril to run through, tray of roast 🥔 potatoes in hands, tripping over a box of.....

Edited December 17, 2023 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

Crunchy Curly Kitty Whisker Biscuits, the favourite snack of the feline members of the household.

The scorching potatoes ended up painfully peppering Daddy, who had just happened to pop in for a chat, and the photo was forgotten in the ensuing pandemonium.

'Oh no Daddy, are you alright? Sit down and let me see. Oooooh, that looks so painful! I'll go and get some cold water for your burns.' 

However, I was one jump ahead of her and took great pleasure in emptying a bucket of iced water over his head. 

I watched in fascination as Daddy ...

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,  like Oliver Hardy before him, looked at an [imaginary) camera and said, ' well..here's another fine mess you've gotten me into..'.

Trying to avoid laughing at his soaking , washed up demeanour, I scuttled out of the room, into the front of the cafe.

Maggie Scowling, 45, from Crewe, was waiting for rhubarb buns with yogurt, when in strode.. 

[poppy]

speak of the devil, the one person on earth likely to put a spoke in my works (apart perhaps from the beautiful, but deadly Pythagoras!) but plague and pesticide, nails in my eyes, wasp up my nose, Clothilde!

She marched up to me, hands on hips, gimlet eyes piercing my soul, chin jutting forward like she'd dislocated something and said ...

[itsmeagain]

' I just almost coughed up my larynx as the bloke..an old mucker of yours..informed me of your dalliance with some odd weirdo named Pythagorus....and  I have had council tax people after me, I said it's in his name...who's this?', she asked, staring at Rosie.

'I am Rosie, soon to be his wife, and whoever..'

'What has he told you about me..well listen to this...'

Clothilde produced a mini cassette recorder, the actual answer machine recordings...all I could hear was 'Oh. Clotty...oooh Clotty..you're so bossy it really.makes me....', followed by loud groans and then silence..

'Ja, das ist right...he groans with pleasure into  the answer machine when leaving message for me..now you Pythagorus..what..'

'Oh Johnny..who the blazes is Pythagorus ', wailed Rosie, while I said 'Orderrr..orderrr.. Mr Speaker...anyone..even my right honourable , inebriated  wife..even she..must accept that I don't.. and never have..for any reason..gasped into an answer machine about Clotty bossy or something...that's not me..'

'OH Johnny..stop acting like an MP and tell..'

Suddenly Clothilde looked really anxious...

Edited December 19, 2023 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

in her rage, she seemed to have completely forgotten that I was entitled to half our house and half the proceeds from the cool million pounds she'd absconded with, which really was quite strange. Why had she come searching for me again, I wondered? Perhaps this time she'd be amenable to a deal, she could keep the loot and in exchange give me a quick divorce.

'What exactly do you want, Clothilde, what will it take to finally ...

[itsmeagain]

get you out of my hair..?.. '

'All I wanted...I speak openly...was to ...retrieve you from the mess you are currently in..but now, with PiechartHaggis here and no doubt other people too..I am off.'

'Close that door on your way out then , and keep us warm..oh...and 500 k in  a bank transfer by tomorrow at midday...'

Clothilde agreed and left. 

Rosie was morose in her duties, feeding the kitties while having a grim,angry, saddened,  face. I have to tread very carefully,  I thought, and....

[poppy]

I knew Rosie was going to ask me some sticky questions.

'You see what I've been dealing with, darling?' I asked in a weedling kind of voice.

'Why did she call me PiechartHaggis, and you didn't answer me before about Pythagorus! Who's she? And why is she giving you £500,00? You said you had to pay HER dowry back! I don't think you've been straight with me, Johnny. I feel like you've betrayed my trust. I'm feeling very upset.'

'Oh darling, it's very simple. You've got to understand that ...

[itsmeagain]

..a man has needs..for space..to breathe..for truth.. and..I ..never..do..anything..that..may.. upset..you..Clothilde was married to.me..'

'Is..is ..is..'  yelled  Rosie, rushing...

[poppy]

out of the room.

I followed her calling, 'But not for much longer, darling, she'll give me a divorce very soon!'

Rosie shut herself in the toilets and locked the door.

The patrons of our cafe seemed engrossed in all the drama and had taken sides. The two factions were now having a heated discussion about who was right and who was wrong and things were...

[itsmeagain]

stirred up further by the intervention of Maggie Scowling, who, having just finished her plum duff and custard, was derogatory about my cooking skills, unknowingly blaming me when our sous chef, Philbert , was to blame for adding  sherry and pouring wine over the plum duff, and so I listened furtively as she said, ' the bladdy manager looks loik e ain't a decent stitch to wear..all these fanny wimmin cammin  in ere, arsekin  questions abaht  vis, vat n vee avver.... this a terrible paddin..'

'Everyone happy with the food?', I asked,being as sickly, sweet, and fake as the situation demanded, 'anybody wants a second helping of plum duff..?'

Jeff Ross, 25, from Marshes, opined that, given the current economic  shambles in Britain ..'caused by Boris Johnson , oi fink it's amazing we can ave almost free plum daff  ere..oi mean, oi sez to ve girw  serving, oi sez,  lav, oim  stragglin to poi me rent, can oi ave....

Edited December 22, 2023 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

a wee bit more, an she sez, 'elp meself! Bluddy good service 'ere, oi sez, don't know wat the silly ol' cow oer theres belly-achin bout.'

Chef Philbert's approach to recipe ingredients was rather unconventional and known only to him and in this instance had the unfortunate , almost immediate effect of patrons requiring the restroom facilities. This proved difficult with Rosie having locked herself in. A long queue was forming outside and the more desperate patrons were ...

[itsmeagain]

mumbling in a semi coherent, annoyed type of reserved, British,  way.

'Oi dunnow abaht  you, Liz, bat oi feel loik surming app wiv me stammack...cor bloimy, oi need a bog naa..', wailed John Flytip, 43, of Droylsden, on a day out in the capital.

'Oh , an oo are you, maahfin off as if you own ve ploice,actin all big  n broo'el..oive sans that'd knock you aaht wiv 2 ands toied be oind vere back..sow  don't start on me if you now what's good for yer', said Maggie, staring at young Jeff, who responded, ' you an ooze armoi? 2 ands tied be oind vare backs, where's the other and, an wassit doin?..', at which point Maggie was...

Edited December 23, 2023 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

gripped by a particularly aggressive stomach cramp and realised action was imminent. Proving that she was indeed equipped to deal with both bothersome people and objects, she shoved Jeff, who was at the head of the queue, roughly across the room, and kicked the toilet door in. There was a mad rush for the door, causing quite a jam which wasn't helped by Rosie ...

[itsmeagain]

screaming blue murder as she was ejected from the toilet, the mad dash of customers frantically protesting as John Flytip took it upon himself to wail, ' I need a bog, please make way..', to which no one responded. 

' Can we form an orderly queue please, like civilised members of the public..?..' , I asked, trying to restore decorum .

Rosie took me to the kitchen,  saying ' oooh Johnny, I need answers, and swiftly..why weren't you honest about being married to Clothilde..she's a horrible brat and I am really disappointed in you..oh...

[poppy]

ohhhhh ... what on earth is happening out there?!'

Marital explanations would have to wait.

All hell had broken loose. Not only was there a major skirmish going on in the toilets as patrons fought over the two available conveniences but all the ruckus had upset the cats. They were zooming all around the place, climbing the curtains, knocking over tables and one was even ...