Continue the story.....

[itsmeagain]

loins, an uncharacteristic  lack of bonhomie, devoid of wellbeing, a bit like losing a tenner, finding 5p . Asking if they have soya milk  I .......

[poppy]

decided to be a bit adventurous and went for a Chai Skinny Latte, low fat, soy milk, sugar free, sweetened with organic honey and topped with whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles. Rosie gave me the side-eyes as she sipped her Japanese Single Origin Cherry tea and I wondered ...

Edited October 30, 2023 by poppy

[itsmeagain]

what we would end up doing today, my thoughts inexorably taking me down the route of trying to get a close affinity with the delightful, rose scented, eccentric individual in crepe shoes. 👞 

I suddenly felt quite guilty about a mildly lascivious thought, and instead I said, ' there's been plenty of weather lately', which was not especially relished by rose scented velcro feet Rosie.

' Why do men always avoid the 🐘 in the room', she rhetorically asked, making animated gestures with her arms, a round face being described in the air by her  hand, then a long protuberance was drawn. She's calling me a dickhead, was my automatic thought..but no, what did Professor  Scheherazde tell me in his psychology lecture..was it that men are so genital obsessed that they misinterpret innocent asides, or is it that...

Edited October 30, 2023 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

I'm really just a dickhead? I decided to put that thought aside to masticate over later and instead enquired what elephant where, what exactly was it doing inside and who had let it in!

'You are a silly billy,' Rosie giggled, 'We need to talk about when we're going to start our John and Rosie's Book and Cat Cafe, of course!'

'Well,' I answered, relieved that we weren't going to delve into the depths of some ambiguous double- entendre, I lived by the KISS principle, me, 'I think we should firstly ...

 

 

[itsmeagain]

knead in sure stealth, so when we are kneading something,  we carry it out so stealthily that no one  notices. Just the other day I.."

'Johnny, do focus..mummy always says that a job , once half done, is worth doing again so where is your start date for the cat and book cafe..?...

Edited November 6, 2023 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

I found my experimental drink was having an odd affect on my speech and I had difficulty articulating my thoughts. Having only partaken of hot sweet tea for as long as I could remember, all these additives were messing with my equilibrium. 

'Ummmm ... I knead ...and when I say knead, I mean contextually speaking,  as the great philosopher Bob Bobbins once said ...'

'Well,' said Rosie ignoring my profundity , 'I think two weeks should be ...

[itsmeagain]

quite sufficient. There's an old warehouse in Streatham, owned by daddy, he will make it available.'

A week later, a large ish warehouse was being cleaned by five workers from YouKallWe Clean, a company describing itself as  ' the best scrubbing company in England'.

The 2 lads I spoke to, Sid and Jason, were clear about one thing, namely,  there is no .....

Edited November 2, 2023 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

improving on good old, plain elbow grease. I asked what other varieties were available and if they were any more expensive.

They looked at me funny, then Sid said, 'Are you ...

[itsmeagain]

being a bit of a lad ere moit??..see, if you are, then may oi recommend corn oil for home fried chips, baby oil for a bit of how's yer father, and oil of Ulay for a good wash..  any questions.?..', he asked, as though addressing an auditorium of eager palaeontology students on a cold Thursday morning.

'Get on with the clean..', said I, attempting to seem...

 

Edited November 4, 2023 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

all nonchalant and in charge.

'Oi moit, we ain't takin' no orders from the loikes of you! The missus 'ired us, we only listen to 'er!'

Just then Rosie came in with a tray full of mugs.

'Come on boys, time for a cuppa,' she called, her face wreathed in a big smile.

They all downed tools, grabbed a drink and started rolling fags.

'But Rosie!' I complained, 'they ...

[itsmeagain]

..are here..to ..work!', I hissed, unable to hide my contempt for these idle rumour mongering  wasters, these..

'But Johnny, give these lads a chance won't you..?..After all, they all smile, all drink tea'....

'Fanks darling, oi roilly approysheate ya, ya now..Eddie Doolittle', said a grimy bloke bearing a beer belly and yellow teeth, his proffered hand being grabbed by Rosie, 'and on beearf of azz awl, may oi...

Edited November 5, 2023 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

just say that we awl consider it a privlidge, a downright 'oner and privlidge to be workin' for ya, darlin'. It ain't often oi come across such a angelic  loidy, and me, oi speak for us awl.'

Rosie beamed and blushed, 'Oh golly gosh and jeepers. You're such a charmer, get away with you.' 

'Exactly what I was thinking!' I muttered to myself. 'So when do you think ...

 

[itsmeagain]

the old newspapers moulding in the corner will be cleared out..?..Any prospect of getting rid of some of the old rubbish,eg rotting copies of Weekend magazine from 1985, Weekly News editions from 1986, Beano comics from 1987 and  dirt, grease and dust shifted from the cooker..?..' I asked,my rage and jealousy turning my face beetroot red, and to make things worse, Rosie was saying to the lads,....

[poppy]

'You boys are absolutely super and wizard. I'm going to go out and get you all something special for tiffin! Meanwhile, Johnny's in charge.'

Rosie bustled off and as soon as she was out the door I stood hands on hips and barked, 'Right you lot, you heard the lady, I'm in charge, get your a's into g! I want this mess cleaned up pronto or you're all out the door.' 

For some reason, they ...

 

[itsmeagain]

immediately jumped to task, as though they were chameleon like in terms of personality rather than their physical properties...which were, apparently, moulded by copious amounts of 🍟 chips, bacon and sausage sarnies, and egg custard pies.

'Roit moit, trust me, oi shall mike shoer vis lot works when vayze towed to work...veyz not bed leds roily, jass a quick kick app  the jaxxy ocoizhunly an theyze  awaroight' announced a large bloke in blue overalls , with a cowboy tache. 

'My noim is Billy Foreman..an' no, it oint now jowk, vass moi real andle...coz o me managerial abilities.. you lot, get sweeping', he decreed,  sending 5 lads rushing about with brooms in hand, sweeping, scrubbing, and lifting.

'Oi can....

Edited November 7, 2023 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

guarantee they'll 'av this lot sorted by tonight.'

Rosie arrived back with Japanese cherry teas for all and a selection of rice crackers and tofu. Nobody stopped work. Not long after, a short chubby man wearing a plaid tweed suit, monocle in one eye and smoking an oderiferous pipe,  stepped jauntily through the door.

'Rosie, my dear! I've come to meet your young man! Is that the chappie over there?' he said pointing to a tall Lothario, showing off, very unnecessarily I felt, bulging muscles in a tight singlet.

'Daddy!' Rosie shrieked, 'you ...

 

[itsmeagain]

really should take better care of your arthritis..come, sit here, drinking green tea, and talk..in USA they call it shooting the breeze..harhar har..daddy, we have here.,Eddie Doolittle, 

Mr William Foreman..and my.partner in business, Johnny Revolting..'

'So, I am Major Reggie Cedric Flowers, may I have the pleasure of everyone else admitting..err..announcing, who they are, and please allow time for my withered brain cells to keep track, after all,I am..'

Bison muscles stepped forward, full of a leery grin.'Hoi, oi aahm Marvin Grunts, oi mast soy she's..your own girw  ere..she's amazing.. oi ave never...

 

[poppy]

met such a noice loidie in awl me loife.'

'What? What's he say m'dear? Can't understand a word. Some sort of foreigner I expect. But debemus sustinere cum externi, I always say.'

Daddy was not only a literary scholar but rather deaf.

'Not quite up to snuff, m'dear, don't you know, what!' he said in a loud aside to Rosie.

'Shhh Daddy, don't upset the workers,' she whispered. 'Now let me introduce the others in our merry little band. This is ...

[itsmeagain]

Benji Blue, he is from Littlehampton originally, lives in Brixham now, ...'

'Aaah dyerr do', said a young gentleman with dark hair and a grimy old Arsenal shirt on, nodding to accompany the cold ' greeting.'

'Here we have Brad Ellis, whose dad works on the fish stall over at Camden, Ellis fishmongers..oooh many's the plate of fish I ate from there', she said, her coquettish smile eagerly seized upon by the gurning, insensible, masses present.  The lads thought she was great sport.

'Cor sheez gawjuss', whispered Francis Dimm, 34, a lascivious grin on the grime covered face, ' I wonder...

[poppy]

if she'd come oot wimee.'

I told him in no uncertain terms there was an iceblock's chance in hell of that ever happening!

'Well, introductions are over, chop chop boys, back to work. Now Major Flowers, do come into our office, you'll be much more comfortable there, away from the hoi polloi and great unwashed.'

'Very interesting word that, hoi polloi. From the Greek of course, Pericles mentioned it in Thucydides' History of the Peloponnesian War, don't you know, what!' expounded the Major, puffing out great clouds of smoke redolent of ...

Edited November 10, 2023 by poppy

[itsmeagain]

roses, especially fitting in the circumstances.  

'Now, young man, tell me. Is your bag Euclides , Pythagoras,  or Socrates..? And don't, pray, claim , in oh so funny  a manner, " oh Socrates the Brazilian footballer.."..cos I am wise to all attempts by suitors of herrrz..'..pointing a finger at Rosie. ..'..to..curry favour with me..just because I reek of money doesn't mean I'll..'

A 5 minute coughing fit followed, with arms waving above and around the Major, and I saw one of the plebeians..

Edited November 10, 2023 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

come rushing forward with every intention of thumping him on the back. I expertly foot tripped him and he went lurching head first into a wall where he appeared to lose consciousness. I chucked some water over him and he soon came round. Meantime, Daddy was turning a rather fetching shade of purple. I observed him with interest. What would he do next, I wondered?

'Do something!' shrieked Rosie, 'Daddy's choking!'

I tossed up between CPR and the Heimlich manoeuvre and plumped for ...

[itsmeagain]

Heimlich, it being my go to in such crises before. Three minutes later, the major was sat in a chair, beat.

'I say Jonno, tell meh..are you of a medical disposition..? You see,  I have a somewhat puzzling bowel problem..one day nothing, the next..'

I walked away on pretext of apparently seeing Billy Bozzeyed,22, of Basingstoke, one of ' the boys', trying to throw wet waste into a dry bin.

I said ,' please can you try to follow what Norman Normal would  do..look around, ..err Mr Foreman..come and help him can you..?'

Billy Foreman marched forward.. 'yea moit, leave 'im to.me', and within nano seconds the place looked

Edited November 11, 2023 by itsmeagain

[poppy]

a 100 per cent better.

'All very shipshape and Bristol fashion, what!' observed Daddy. 'Of course the etymology of the phrase is very interesting, first used, I believe, in 1827, although shipshape goes back a full 200 years prior to this.  I myself personally prefer spica et spatio, I feel it better exemplifies the juxtaposition between ...'

I couldn't take much more of this, 'So Major, when do you think you'll be ...

[itsmeagain]

offering Rosie and I..'

'Oh heavens, surely congratulations aren't in order already. ?..Cripes old boy, do enlighten me, what's your secret. ?'

He leaned in closer, and whispered,  ' It must be the muesli you eat..I gather oats are good for the old.....'

'Rosie,may I just say I am not your suitor..' I declared, leading to the Major observing me avidly, monocle clutched tight,  eyes narrowed, 'and please ask Daddy about the money 💰 ', I said, running out for some fresh air before I screamed. It was.... ...

Edited November 13, 2023 by itsmeagain