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For Charm :)

 

 

 

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

 

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

 

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

 

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)

 

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

 

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

 

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

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That one makes me giggle every time I read it because you can sooo see it happening!

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A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.

 

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me.'

 

'This one's kind of strange....'

 

'Let me be the judge of that,' the doctor replied.

 

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

 

'I see.'

 

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were 5p?s in the bowl.' 'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, Plink-plink-plink, and there were 10p?s and this morning there were 50p?s ! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored, 'I'm scared out of my wits!'

 

The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. 'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about..'

 

'You're simply going through the change!

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Telephone Answer Machine Messages

 

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

 

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you.

 

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks

 

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message

 

I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you

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Guest ii

I had an answering machine message of "Hi, I'm home but I cannot answer right now. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I find the phone."

 

That was during the time I renovated my apartment, and everything was a mess. *laughs*

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Guest Vince

Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation

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Vince you are a very brave man posting that joke on a forum who's female members outnumber the male members!! :)

 

Either very brave or very stupid!!! :lol::lol:

 

:D

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Guest Vince
Vince you are a very brave man posting that joke on a forum who's female members outnumber the male members!! :)

 

Either very brave or very stupid!!! :lol::lol:

 

:D

 

Just look at my signature!!! :D

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This is just meant to be funny guys...but you all might just argree...women are harder to please then men...LOL...

 

How to IMPRESS a WOMAN -

 

 

 

Compliment her,

 

respect her,

 

honor her,

 

cuddle her,

 

kiss her,

 

caress her,

 

love her,

 

stroke her,

 

tease her,

 

comfort her,

 

protect her,

 

hug her,

 

hold her,

 

spend money on her,

 

wine and dine her,

 

buy things for her,

 

listen to her,

 

care for her,

 

stand by her,

 

support her,

 

hold her,

 

go to the ends of the Earth for her.

 

 

 

 

- How to IMPRESS a MAN -

 

 

 

Show up naked. Bring beer.

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What would have happened if it had been 'The Three Wise Women' instead of 'The Three Wise Men' ??

 

1) They would have asked directions ...

2) Arrived on time ...

3) Helped deliver the baby ...

4) Cleaned the stable ...

5) Brought practical gifts ....

6) and made a casserole.

 

As they left they would be chatting and would have said ..

 

1) 'Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown??'

2) 'And that donkey they are riding has seen better days too!'

3) 'Want to bet on how long it will take before you get that casserole dish back?'

4) 'Did you see that drummer boy?? He can beat my drum anytime!'

5) 'I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now.'

6) 'Virgin my @*$% ! I knew her when she was at school!'

7) 'That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!!'

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A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

 

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

 

So a woman goes to the shopping centre to find a husband.

 

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

 

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

 

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

 

The second floor sign reads:

 

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

 

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

 

The third floor sign reads:

 

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

 

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

 

The fourth floor sign reads:

 

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

 

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

 

The fifth floor sign reads:

 

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

 

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

 

The sixth floor sign reads:

 

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

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LAWS WOMEN LIVE BY

 

1. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

 

2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

 

3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

 

4. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there.

 

5. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

 

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.

 

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

 

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

 

9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.

 

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

 

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

 

12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

 

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him chequebooks.

 

14. Remember: a sense of humour does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.

 

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

 

Also, just a thought for all the women out there...

MENtal illness

MENstrual cramps

MENtal breakdown

MENopause

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

And when we have real trouble, it's HISterectomy

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Kids Are Quick

____________________________________

 

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ....

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

 

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

 

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

 

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

 

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

______________________________________

 

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

 

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

__________________________________

__________________

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Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

 

:lol: I loved this - I would have kept going up too!!! :roll:

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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

 

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen 'ladies of the night' than let liquor touch my lips!'

 

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'

 

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

 

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

 

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

 

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

 

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

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Paddy's chat up lines:

 

1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!

2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!

3. My love for you is like diarrohea. I just cant hold it in!

4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!

5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Ever time I think of you my nuts tighten up!

6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed trying to sleep but the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

 

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

 

Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Holy Bejeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

:lol::giggle:

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Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!'

 

Paddy says 'What's his name?'

 

Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay.

 

Paddy drives past & stops.

 

He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick twits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the cr*p out of you if I could swim!'

 

 

:)

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A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

 

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman,.... "I would like to buy this TV."

 

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

 

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

 

She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."

 

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

 

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

 

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

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