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Funny story & Joke Corner

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:D This one really made me crack up ....

 

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor.
    I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."..

 

It made me think of this Fred Dagg clip.  It may only be comprehensible by those from the Antipodes though :giggle2:

 

Edited by poppy

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Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. 

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" 

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." 

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." 

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" 

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." 

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" 

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

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Very Funny, Kushy and Muggle Not

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Some thing to kick start your

Monday!

 

2 boys were talking and one said to the other, "There is a easy way to earn money".

The other boy said, "How?"

The boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."

The boy jumps up to his dad, "I know your secret!"

Dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."

The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"

Mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15."

The boy then tries it on the mailman, "I know your secret!"

The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!" 

 


:P

Edited by kushy

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Woman:

Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers
a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per
beer?

Man: £5.00 which includes a tip

Woman:
And how long have
you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:

So, a beer costs £5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each
month at £450. In one year, it would be approximately £5,400,
correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend £5400,
not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at £108,000,
correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you
didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest
savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20
years, you could have now bought a Jaguar?

Man:
Do you drink
beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Jaguar?
 

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Good one.

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Julie and Jan

 

Julie and Jan died and met at the pearly gates. Jan said to Julie how did you die?

 

Julie said "I froze to death", "Oh that would be terrible" said Jan. "No, it wasn't that bad, I was cold at first and then I got sleepy like in a dream".

 

Julie said "How did you die?"

 

Jan said "I was convinced my husband was sleeping around on me". "I came home early, rushed into the house, and my husband was in his easy chair". "I ran upstairs and checked the bedroom, went thru all the closets, ran downstairs into the basement, looked all around there, went back up to the main floor and checked all around there, had a heart attack and dropped dead".

 

Julie said, "we would both be alive if you had checked the freezer first".

Edited by muggle not

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Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing. Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."

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a few 'one liners'........

Stastistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.    :D

 

I start a new job in Seoul next week, well, I thought it would be a good Korea move.

 

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local petshop and they cost £60!Blow this, I thought, I can get one much cheaper off the Web.

 

The Grim Reaper paid me a visit last night, but I managed to beat him off with my new slimline vacuum cleaner, wow, talk about Dyson with Death.      :D  

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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,' Lillian , you should have remained a virgin..'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter )

<><>

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

 

<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

<><>

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

<><>

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

<><>

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

<><>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

<><>

We could certainly slow

the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

<><>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

<><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and

may nothing but happiness come through your door.

 

 

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Today’s Short Reading From the Bible… 

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

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Ole and Swen are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed at the size of it.

The Ole says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is!"

Swen says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

Ole says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see."

So they pick it up and carry it over and count one, two, three and heave it in the hole.

They are standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they hear a rustling behind them.

As they turn around, they see a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer saunters up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

Ole says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible! I had him chained to a transmission."

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^ Like I said earlier, I didn't know how somebody came up with that, but I found the picture funny. The thing is, I didn't know why the dog would say that particular thing. I didn't see any connection with Dorothy and that song. (I mean I knew there was most likely a connection, I just didn't get it.)

 

Only just now, reading your reply, it came to me: Toto!!! :lol: :lol: 

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lol. I didn't get it the first time I read it either, then it clicked :D Since the song came out in the early 80's, a lot of people probably wouldn't see the connection, although surprisingly (I just looked it up) the band are still going.

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Crabs And The Blonde Flight Attendant

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin; "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise his hand?"

Not one hand went up.......... So she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

 

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