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bev

Funny story & Joke Corner

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A man lying in a hospital bed, wearing an oxygen mask over his nose & mouth. "Nurse" he mumbles, "are my testicles black?"

Nurse raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand & his testicles in the other, takes a look & says, "there`s nothing wrong with them sir"

Man removes oxygen mask, smiles at her, & says, "thanks for that, it was wonderful, but listen very carefully...Are-my-test-res-ults-back?"

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The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......

 

'The B******s won't let me fart!!!.' :) :)

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Just a few for a wee chuckle!

 

1. If all men were like mobile phones you could ...

 

Choose the package that appeals to you most.

Pick the size and features you really wanted.

Cancel them immediately when someone steals them from you.

Upgrade to a newer model after 12 months.

Accessorise and they wouldnt complain.

Set them to vibrate at all times and ...

Put them on silent mode when they do your head in!

 

 

2. Paddy the electrician has been sacked from HM prison for refusing to fix the electric chair. He said in his 'professional opinion it's a f***ing death trap!'

 

3. Paddy was booking a flight the other day when the clerk asked him 'how many people will be travelling with you sir?' 'Well I don't know!' replied Paddy 'Its your bloody plane!'

 

4. If your girlfriend has put on too much weight tell her to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening everyday. By the end of the week the fat cow will be 42 miles away!

 

5. Paddy takes his new wife home on his wedding night. She lies on their new bed, spreadeagled, naked and says to him 'Come on Paddy, you know what I want.'

 

'Oh yeah!' replies Paddy, 'the whole bloody bed by the looks of it!'

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The sense of freshness...

A new supermarket opened in Pulaski , Wisconsin .

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes

on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

 

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.

 

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and brats.

 

In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped Miller Lite.

 

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

 

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies. ................

 

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

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This is creepy! :blush:

.

Think of a letter between

A and W

..

.

.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down

.

.

Keep going

.

.

 

Don't stop

.

.

Think of an animal that begins with that letter

.

.

.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down

.

.

.

Think of either a man's or a woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animal's name

.

.

Almost there

.

.

.

Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down

.

.

Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level

.

.

.

Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines on your hand

.

.

Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?

..

.

.

.

.

.

OF COURSE THEY DON'T! :)

 

Now smack

yourself in the head,

get a life, and quit playing

stupid games!!! :)

 

:D

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This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for

years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop

and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a

doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

 

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep,

she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

 

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled

back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

 

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and

the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

 

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor

laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

 

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his

bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

 

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me

and I didn't listen to you.

 

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

 

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in !!!! :)

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You answer the door before people knock.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

- You chew on other people's fingernails.

- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."

- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.

- You can jump-start your car without cables.

- Cocaine is a downer.

- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.

- You don't sweat, you percolate.

- You buy Nescafe & Kenco by the barrel.

- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

- People get dizzy just watching you.

- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

- The Gold Blend couple wants to adopt you.

- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

- Instant coffee takes too long.

- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.

- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

- You short out motion detectors.

- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

- You don't tan, you roast.

- You can't even remember your second cup.

- You help your dog chase its tail.

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But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in !!!! :)

 

Oh my goodness! Yuk!!! :):lol:

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A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart

with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the

entrance.

 

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to

Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

 

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't

twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you

think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

 

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just

couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day

and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

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Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."

The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"



"Yes, Father,' tis I."

"And who might be the woman you were with?"

"I shan't be tellin'you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Lisa O'Shanter?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now..."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"

"Five more good leads!" says Tommy.

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The Perfect Woman and The Perfect Man

 

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.



After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

 

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.



Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas,

the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering toys.

 

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.



Only one of them survived the accident.

 

 

Who was the survivor? ...........................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Answer: The perfect woman survived.



She's the only one who really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

 

Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

 

Men keep scrolling.............

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus,



the perfect woman must have been driving.

And that explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

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A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart

with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the

entrance.

 

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning, and welcome to

Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

 

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no they ain't

twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you

think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

 

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,' replied the greeter. 'I just

couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day

and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

Nice one Muggle

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What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator door?

 

"Shut the door, I'm dressing!!!"

 

*snort*

 

(OK, so my 11 year old son gave me that )

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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

 

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

 

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

 

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.

Edited by Kell
Fixed strange font/bold effect ;)

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Guest Vince

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings!

 

 

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers on his bus.

Edited by Vince

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Guest Vince

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

 

The iBreast will cost

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Guest Vince

You laugh because I'm different...........

I laugh cause I just farted!

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?

'Hold my purse.'

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman: "Where's the self-help section?" She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I was chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper the other day. Yes, I was dicing with death!

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Guest Vince

Why is it that if it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment??

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Paddy phones for an ambulance as his mate's been hit by a car.

Operator asks him where the accident is. 'Outside 28 Eucalyptus Road,' he replies.

'How do you spell that?' asks the operator. The line goes quiet for about 5 minutes and the operator starts to get a bit worried.

Paddy comes back on the line and says, 'Sorry about that, I've just dragged him to number 3 Oak Street'

:)

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Irish they were and drunk for sure and they sat in the comer of Mulligan's newly refurbished bar. Across the wall opposite was a huge mirror, fourteen feet long and stretching from floor to ceiling.

Glancing around the room Pat suddenly spotted their reflection in the mirror.

'Mick, Mick,' he whispered. 'Don't look now but there's two fellas over there the image of us!'

'In the name of God,' said Mick, spotting the reflection. 'They're wearing identical clothes and everything.'

'That does it,' said Pat. 'I'm going to buy them a drink.'

But as Pat started to rise from his seat, Mick said, 'Sit down Pat one of them's coming over!'

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Paddy takes his wife to casualty.

She's no teeth, a broken nose and two black eyes. 'What happened here?' asked the doc.

'She was going through the change,' replied Paddy.

'That doesn't happen with the change,' the doc said.

'It does when its in my :) pocket!' Paddy answered.

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The definition of true bravery - coming home drunk, covered in lipstick, smelling of perfume then slapping the wife on the ar*e and saying "You're next fatty!" :)

Blonde wife was painting the house. Her husband walks in and can't believe how well she's doing but feels he has to ask her why she's wearing a leather jacket and a parka.

"Helloooo!" she replies "Read the tin! For best results put on two coats!" :)

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The definition of true bravery - coming home drunk, covered in lipstick, smelling of perfume then slapping the wife on the ar*e and saying "You're next fatty!" :):)

That's not true bravery - that's true stupidity - LOL!

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