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I have no home. I have no control. I can't see any escape. I don't see an alternative.

 

I need a new keyboard.

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A naked woman with big breasts robbed a bank.

 

When the police interviewed them, none of the witnesses could remember what her face looked like.

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An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected U.S. President, and I am the Smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's Smartest President took my schoolbag."
 

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Is it wrong if I giggled at that, Muggle Not :giggle2:?

A hearty laugh probably wouldn't be appropriate but a giggle should be ok. :)

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Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…”

“Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.”

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Two markets were flying, when one tells the other: "You know, I don't think we're supposed to fly." "Speak for yourself, I'm a supermarket."

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Two markets were flying, when one tells the other: "You know, I don't think we're supposed to fly." "Speak for yourself, I'm a supermarket."

Haha, nice :P.

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ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME! 
 
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. 

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. 

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. 

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's      go'. 

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. 

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 

'Why?'  asked the pilot. 

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.' 

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'  
 
 
 
"Life is short.  Drink the good wine first"

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ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME! 
 
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. 

 

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. 

 

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. 

 

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's      go'. 

 

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. 

 

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 

 

'Why?'  asked the pilot. 

 

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.' 

 

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'  

 

 
 

"Life is short.  Drink the good wine first"

 

 

 

:doh:  :D

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Forgive me, a Blonde Joke. :)

 

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time.":)  ;)

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Forgive me, a Blonde Joke. :)

 

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

 

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

 

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out.

 

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

 

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time.":)  ;)

 

:rolol: Just about worth being blonde if that's the reaction you get :D

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

The priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith"

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

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My electricity bill was running suspiciously high, so I had the power company send someone over.

 

He found a wire tapped into my house running to my neighbor's, as to which I exclaimed:

 

"Well, Watt do you know? A Joule thief lives next to my Ohm!"

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9 hours ago, WormBoy said:

My electricity bill was running suspiciously high, so I had the power company send someone over.

 

He found a wire tapped into my house running to my neighbor's, as to which I exclaimed:

 

"Well, Watt do you know? A Joule thief lives next to my Ohm!"

This reminds me of some outlandish experiences had by my wife and I in a flat in 2009.

We lived on the top floor, one of two adjoining flats in the attic space. 

We had a problem closing our window on moving in, as a white extension lead was hanging through the window, and plugged in, Christ alive knew why, in our neat clean. living room. 

Not knowing what it was for, I unplugged it, and shut the window. 

Days later, our neighbour Paul the Irishman, said "Sean pal, oi think you're after pulling out our Skoi TV lead." 

So I put it back in and was relieved to be told by the landlord that the flat was free of bills whilst extensive renovation work was done. 

So he paid the bill, thankfully. 

The great British gas then demanded we pay a 53 pounds unpaid bill from a guy we had not heard of, refusing to believe that we were not he, a previous occupant. 

The executives at Centrica  headquarters had to intervene on my behalf. 

Then when we did pay our first bill, British gas said it hadn't been received and head office rescued me again. 

 

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Percentage of Americans "proud" that Trump is the President: 26% (CNN)


Percentage of Americans who think the Sun orbits the Earth: 26% (NSF)

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On ‎4‎/‎08‎/‎2017 at 0:20 PM, muggle not said:

Percentage of Americans "proud" that Trump is the President: 26% (CNN)


Percentage of Americans who think the Sun orbits the Earth: 26% (NSF)

 

:rolol: Says it all really.

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Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support Help desk employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm, So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too ***** stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

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1 hour ago, poppy said:

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support Help desk employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm, So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too ***** stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

The store told me there would be no refund. :)

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On 06/10/2017 at 9:05 AM, poppy said:

:giggle2:

On 13/07/2017 at 8:00 AM, WormBoy said:

My electricity bill was running suspiciously high, so I had the power company send someone over.

 

He found a wire tapped into my house running to my neighbor's, as to which I exclaimed:

 

"Well, Watt do you know? A Joule thief lives next to my Ohm!"

Excellent story about the call about the computer Poppy. 

Unfortunately I was not able to post the reply where I wished, as this quote above presented itself again and again. 

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