muggle not Posted April 29, 2021 Share Posted April 29, 2021 WHO DREAMS THESE UP?.............A lexophile of course! • Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! • How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it. • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo. • I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. • I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore. • When chemists die, they barium. • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. • I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. • I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. • Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils? • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. • Broken pencils are pointless. • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. • Velcro - what a rip off! • Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timebug Posted June 11, 2021 Share Posted June 11, 2021 A colony of bats hanging from the roof of a large cave, start to wake up for their evening flight and search for food. The leader of the colony sees one bat on the floor of the cave, standing upright. 'What are you doing down there?' he calls. 'Yoga' came the reply. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muggle not Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hayley Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 (This one is kind of more clever than funny but I didn’t want to interrupt the Limerick thread for it ) I thought other people might also enjoy these book summaries 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lunababymoonchild Posted August 28, 2021 Share Posted August 28, 2021 28 minutes ago, Hayley said: (This one is kind of more clever than funny but I didn’t want to interrupt the Limerick thread for it ) I thought other people might also enjoy these book summaries Love it! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timebug Posted August 29, 2021 Share Posted August 29, 2021 If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door. He’s standing right behind you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted August 29, 2021 Share Posted August 29, 2021 The limerick one is very clever and love the book summaries Wish I could think of succinct descriptions like those! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hayley Posted August 29, 2021 Share Posted August 29, 2021 2 hours ago, timebug said: If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door. He’s standing right behind you. This isn't just funny, it's also good practical advice 1 hour ago, poppy said: The limerick one is very clever and love the book summaries Wish I could think of succinct descriptions like those! Me too, I think Dante's Inferno was my favourite one . Although it's weirdly made me want to try Don Quixote... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Athena Posted September 4, 2021 Share Posted September 4, 2021 @Hayley Clever with the limerick and I really liked the book summaries! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timebug Posted November 13, 2021 Share Posted November 13, 2021 Someone just told me that Yul Brynner was a lifelong Liverpool supporter. Also he refused to wear aftershave ever. It's true, Yul never wore Cologne. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muggle not Posted February 22, 2022 Share Posted February 22, 2022 Today is 2-22-22. it will be 100 hundred years before we see similar numbers in the date. In 100 years the date will also be 2-22-22. In 200 hundred years the date will be the big one of 2-22-2222. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muggle not Posted July 25, 2022 Share Posted July 25, 2022 (edited) Edited July 25, 2022 by muggle not 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lunababymoonchild Posted August 1, 2022 Share Posted August 1, 2022 I heard this on my FB today : What part of the body dies last? Your pupils because they dilate (die late geddit?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muggle not Posted August 2, 2022 Share Posted August 2, 2022 17 hours ago, lunababymoonchild said: I heard this on my FB today : What part of the body dies last? Your pupils because they dilate (die late geddit?) HA, HA MY SON WAS FLUNKING OUT OF COLLEGE SO I TOLD HIM: “YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE." HE SAID, "NO." I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER." HE SAID, "YES." I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, “I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON." BILL GATES SAID, "NO." I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK." BILL GATES SAID, "YES." I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO. HE SAID, "NO." I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW." HE SAID, "YES." AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS. And thus, began the practice of hiring morons to work in influential positions of government. This practice remains unbroken to this day. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lunababymoonchild Posted August 2, 2022 Share Posted August 2, 2022 20 minutes ago, muggle not said: HA, HA MY SON WAS FLUNKING OUT OF COLLEGE SO I TOLD HIM: “YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE." HE SAID, "NO." I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER." HE SAID, "YES." I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, “I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON." BILL GATES SAID, "NO." I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK." BILL GATES SAID, "YES." I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO. HE SAID, "NO." I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW." HE SAID, "YES." AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS. And thus, began the practice of hiring morons to work in influential positions of government. This practice remains unbroken to this day. Sad but true Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muggle not Posted November 11, 2022 Share Posted November 11, 2022 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muggle not Posted January 8, 2023 Share Posted January 8, 2023 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lunababymoonchild Posted January 8, 2023 Share Posted January 8, 2023 A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field so he asks his sheep dog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master. "So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?" "40," replies the dog. "What? How can there be 40?!" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!" "I know," says the dog. "I rounded them up." 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lunababymoonchild Posted January 8, 2023 Share Posted January 8, 2023 A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his torch around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his torch out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next big score, then clicked the torch back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his torch around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, the beam of his torch came to rest on a parrot. The burglar relaxed. "What's your name?" he said, more to himself than the parrot "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The bird promptly answered, "The same kind of people that named their Rotweiller "Jesus"! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muggle not Posted January 21, 2023 Share Posted January 21, 2023 SEX AT 73 I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73 I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road! ~~~~~ Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes." ~~~~~ My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine. ~~~~~ Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. ~~~~~ Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting. ~~~~~ The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere. ~~~~~ God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question. ~~~~~ I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one. ~~~~~ Every morning is the dawn of a new error. ~~~~~ Aspire to inspire before you expire. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrissy Posted January 26, 2023 Share Posted January 26, 2023 A combination of lessons for life, and a good laugh! Thanks @muggle not My husband laughed loudest the first one! 😄 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muggle not Posted January 26, 2023 Share Posted January 26, 2023 5 hours ago, Chrissy said: A combination of lessons for life, and a good laugh! Thanks @muggle not My husband laughed loudest the first one! 😄 I thought the first one was funny too. However, I was a little concerned that I may have crossed over the line. 🤔 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hux Posted February 14, 2023 Share Posted February 14, 2023 "My friend has a Quality Street chocolate blocking his windpipe." "The Purple One?" "Yeah, that's him." 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie H Posted February 22, 2023 Share Posted February 22, 2023 On 2/14/2023 at 12:22 AM, Hux said: "My friend has a Quality Street chocolate blocking his windpipe." "The Purple One?" "Yeah, that's him." I probably laughed a little too much! 😀😆 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muggle not Posted May 16, 2023 Share Posted May 16, 2023 (edited) Tiny Jokes Edited May 16, 2023 by muggle not Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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