poppy Posted May 31, 2009 Share Posted May 31, 2009 The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrissy Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weave Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 We went out for the day yesterday, I fell off this rock, it was hilarious ^The 'big rock' I fell off Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted June 1, 2009 Share Posted June 1, 2009 Poppy! Poor you Gyre! I hope you didn't hurt yourself! I'm always falling, its got to the stage where my OH has no sympathy anymore, he says that at my age I should know how to walk by now! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrissy Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Ouch!..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicola Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 That must have really hurt!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ceinwenn Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered red the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected the Million Dollar Question was no pushover. It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it: A) the condor the buzzard C) the cuckoo D) the vulture The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it; because........ Her friend was, well, a blonde. But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.' The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo' 'Is that your final answer?' 'Yes, that is my final answer.' 'That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!' Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. 'Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you', said the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?' 'Oh, come on,' said the blonde 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.' Sally fainted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Weave Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 Ceinwenn I grazed my elbow, my pride hurt more than anything And Charm, I am the same, my husband is so used to my cluminess Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 Ceinwein!! Subject: The Human Body Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RCee Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 Men are still busy measuring their thumbs Brilliant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lexiepiper Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 great jokes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 (edited) A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it. (THIS GETS BETTER!) The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.. The women won. Edited June 4, 2009 by Kell reduced font size a little as it was HUGE - LOL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 So true Poppy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RCee Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Oh I love it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lexiepiper Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimitra Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 we won, we won! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pablo Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 Some great jokes there guys. Here's another: Daffy duck, on a dirty weekend in a hotel, calls reception and asks for some condoms. The receptionist asks "Shall I put them on your bill?" "Don't be thuckin thupid" Daffy says. "I'd thuffocate." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lexiepiper Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 ! That's great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 I like that one Pablo! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicola Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 Haaa! I like that one Pablo! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... on one condition." Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said.... "Clean my house." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephanie2008 Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 I love that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 I'd have probably said the same! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lexiepiper Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 Ahahaha that's brilliant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosalind Posted June 15, 2009 Share Posted June 15, 2009 Hilarious, good one, great answer to a proposition Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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