Nicola Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 They tickled me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 God's facebook, brilliant! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're very good at it! 12 Hoop Earrings 11 Fake Armani's 10 Lambert & Butler 9pm Curfew 8 Young children 7 Different fathers 6oz of Cocaine 5 Sovereign Rings!! 4 Stolen alloys 3 Different ASBO's 2 Can's of Stella And a brand new illegitimite baby Christmas time, the Chav way. Why is it, Whenever I say "I farted" people always sniff just to check. A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is, not to form an emotional bond. I spent five minutes fixing a broken clock yesterday. At least I think it was five minutes. A girl from work asked if I'd drive her home yesterday because it was raining heavily. I agreed, we got talking, mainly about everyday things, what we liked doing, then about work for a bit. We got to her house before long. She thanked me, went to get out of the car, stopped, looked hard at me and whispered, "How did you know where I lived?" Executives for I'm A Celebrity have said viewing figures have dropped by over 2 million since Katie Price left the jungle. That's because her ex-boyfriends have stopped watching. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephanie2008 Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 I especially love the last two Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 How To Stop A Church Gossip Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would "know" what he was doing there! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home, and left it there all night. (You gotta love Frank!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
muggle not Posted December 1, 2009 Share Posted December 1, 2009 Head of the household,,, When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , God appeared and said, "I want you men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their wives." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted December 1, 2009 Share Posted December 1, 2009 10 reasons why men are lazy: 1) I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution. 1024 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 My girlfriend told me to stop playing Pokemon as it was childish. I started thrashing about and roared "You don't have enough badges to control me!" A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be ten pence." "Ten pence?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A pound," the barman replied. "A pound?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here." I like going bowling; I always make my name '3 Testicles' on the board. That way the TV occasionaly says "Congratulations 3 Testicles! You got a spare." Craig David is quitting his singing career to join the British Olympic 2012 Archery team. He's going to be their bow selector. Teenagers today drink twice as much as they did ten years ago. To be fair, though, they were only aged between 3 and 9 ten years ago. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ben Posted December 2, 2009 Share Posted December 2, 2009 Some of them are good ned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 I was in a pub quiz the other day and my team, along with another, tied for first place. For the 'tie-breaker' we were asked one question, and the first person to shout the correct answer won it for their team. The question was as follows. 'In Paradise Lost' by John Milton, what was the Capital City of Hell?'. No one from either team knew the answer so both teams started shouting loudly and waving their arms in frustration at the question being too hard. Things got a bit heated and a fight broke out between one team captain and the quiz master. It was pandemonium. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raskolnikov Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Nice story Ned. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Was a joke, sorry lol should have said that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raskolnikov Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 That's what i meant : I really like your humour. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Oh right sorry lol, kind of in a dopey mood tonight Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raskolnikov Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 hmm. Doppey. Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 I like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Tiger Woods, the only guy on Earth that can drive a golf ball further than a car Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephanie2008 Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Well it didn't deserve 3 rolling eyes from Cliff's no.1 fan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephanie2008 Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 I hope that was a joke I only know two songs, and they only count because it's Christmas. Cliff was WAY before my time Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Is that the rule? If it is a christmas song it counts? Is that in Louis Walsh's rule book Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephanie2008 Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Louis. Him and his rule book. Thats a joke in itself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 The best was the week he complained and then Jedward (who should have been named Pat and Rick) come out and sing Vanilla Ice's song which uses a bastardised version of Under Pressure Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephanie2008 Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Yeah, then once he complained that Joe didn't sing a George Michael song because it was Elton's. Pot. Kettle. Black! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted December 4, 2009 Share Posted December 4, 2009 Why are chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great watching one fall down a flight of stairs. As I sat in the living room my 5 year old shouted at me from the back door. "I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside." I said. Again, he shouted back. "I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room." I replied. A few moments later my son appeared in the living room. "Dad, I've got dog sh*t all over my shoes." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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