Oooo, this a thorny, but meaty, subject for me. I read JE when I was in my late teens, after so many (then early teen aged) female friends said that it was such a wonderful romantic story. I was really startled (and disturbed) when I read it, for the same reasons that you mentioned in your spoiler.
I had this discussion recently within LibraryThing. When I voiced my opinion that I thought that the Jane/Rochester relationship wasn't a good relationship role model for young female readers, almost all others (female) disagreed with me. All said that they absolutely loved it when they were young, and were happy to recommend it again.
I ,then and now, don't understand why girls find the Jane/Rochester relationship as being a wonderfully romantic story. Maybe I have a too serious attitude to life in fiction? I really don't know....