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I thought this was really funny so I thought I'd post it here! This comes courtesy of Poppy! :blush:

 

 

Grandma Writes

 

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

 

Dear Grand daughter,

 

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. ... Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

 

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It was a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

 

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

 

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!' and 'Go! Go! Go Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

 

Everyone started honking!

 

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

 

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

 

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

 

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

 

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

 

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

 

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

 

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

 

Love, Grandma xo

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Try this one! :blush:

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

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Lol i've seen that before it's really weird, you feel you should be confused but can read it straight through!

 

It is weird. I had no probs, straight through like you! I guess all on here will be much the same, being readers and all! :blush:

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New Pet

 

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet, so he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

 

 

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. He asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?' But there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?' But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

 

 

He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

 

-

-

-

 

A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my hmmming shoes on!'

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Penguin goes into a pub and says to the barman "has my dad been in tonight?"

 

The barman says " I dunno, what does he look like?"

Edited by Michelle
removed large font

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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued,"May I ask what the turkey did?"

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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued,"May I ask what the turkey did?"

 

 

That was so funny. lol

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We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

 

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

 

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

 

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

 

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

 

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the reset button. It is the last action I remember performing.

 

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

 

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects shespied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like teeth and claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

 

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

 

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

 

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

 

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

 

If they only knew!

 

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

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To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

 

> 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

 

> 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice !

 

> 3. Every Time someone asks you to do something, ask if they Want Fries with that.

 

> 4. Put Decaf in the Coffee Maker for 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

 

> 5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana ?

 

> 6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

 

> 7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

 

> 8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

 

> 9. Sing Along At The Opera.

 

> 10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your 20 Friends You Can't Attend Their Party because you have a headache.

 

> 11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

 

> 12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

 

> 13 . Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

 

> And The Final Way to Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

 

> 14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS..

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Memory ClassAn elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

 

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

 

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

 

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

 

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

 

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

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LMAO Charm :) I think I need the Memory Class ( my insanity level is just fine) Just realised I forwarded it to someone else, after getting it from you, who has forwarded it back to me(obviously they have memory issues too) Thought it looked a bit familiar.

 

Sorry, all credit to Charm for that one :giggle:

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LMAO Charm :D I think I need the Memory Class ( my insanity level is just fine) Just realised I forwarded it to someone else, after getting it from you, who has forwarded it back to me(obviously they have memory issues too) Thought it looked a bit familiar.

 

Sorry, all credit to Charm for that one

 

Are you sure?? :giggle: I don't think so m'dear :o

 

Now I know you didn't email it to me, for sure, but I may have sent it to you when I copied it to pass it on ... I think, now I don't know :) you have me all confused!! :crazy:Besides it was Ceinwenn who posted the memory one, not one of us!! :o

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Never Argue with a Woman

 

 

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife

 

decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

 

 

 

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

 

 

 

 

 

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking,'Isn't that obvious?')

 

 

 

 

'You're in a

 

Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

 

 

 

 

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

 

 

 

 

 

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

 

 

 

 

 

'For reading a book,' she replies

 

,

 

 

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,



'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

 

 

 

 

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

 

 

 

 

 

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

 

 

 

 

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

 

 

 

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

 

 

 

 

 

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

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