Nicola Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 Haaaaaa!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here." The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, who belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here." The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She gets up and says, "oh, I'm sorry!" and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. The pilot answered, "I told her first class doesn't go to Toronto." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BookBee8 Posted September 6, 2009 Share Posted September 6, 2009 Aw, bless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 Pocket Tazer Stun Gun A guy who purchased his lovely wife a special anniversary present. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... ...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collectedmy wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 I nearly wet myself the first time I read this Charm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 Me too Poppy! I thought it was absolutely hilarious and could just picture it! Poor sod, there's a lesson there somewhere! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 Got sent this today, tickled me My wife isn't speaking to me because i got my son a stripper for his birthday. I don't know why she is so mad, i mean it's not every day you turn 5. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 Books for School - Kids Books That Were Rejected You Are Different and That's Bad The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables Dad's New Wife Dave Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her Curious George and the Electric Fence All Pets Go to Hell Some Kittens Can Fly That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption Granddad Gets a Coffin The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Fridge Strangers Have the Best Sweets Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way You Were an Accident Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games Your Nightmares Are Real Where Would You Like to Be Buried? Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide Neat Things Daddy Drinks Because You Cry Why Mummy And Daddy Lock The Bedroom Door Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrissy Posted October 12, 2009 Share Posted October 12, 2009 I actually shuddered at some of these, but chortled at a few of them. :eek2: ned, should we be worried for you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 ned, should we be worried for you? possibly Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frankie Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 This one's from a book I'm reading at the moment, Mark Billingham's Sleepyhead. I thought it was hilarious. Tom Thorne is on the phone, talking to his Dad who always wants to share the latest jokes he's heard at the pub: 'I'll leave you with a couple of good ones, Tom.' 'Go on then, Dad.' 'What's got a one-inch knob and hangs down?' 'I don't know.' 'A bat.' It wasn't one of his best. 'What's got a nine-inch knob and hangs up?' 'No idea.' His Dad put the phone down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephanie2008 Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 That made me smile Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 I think i'm going to use that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted November 3, 2009 Share Posted November 3, 2009 A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan .. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. 'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.' Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15..00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life. Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'. 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured. The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit......which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nicola Posted November 4, 2009 Share Posted November 4, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Breaking news: In light of Paul Scharner's handball during Sunday's game, Wigan Athletic have graciously offered to replay the fixture. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephanie2008 Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 I bet they have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 The people i feel sorry for are the Wigan fans who pay 25p for each of the goal alerts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephanie2008 Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you're not a Wigan fan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Whatever gave you that impression Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charm Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Bathtub Test During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how to determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug.......... Do you want a bed near the window?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted November 26, 2009 Share Posted November 26, 2009 Friend sent me this in an email. Quite funny. [God's Facebook News Feed] God is just sittin' around bein omnipotent..msn? God remembered noones here. Nevermind. God is boooooooooored lol. You created a new group: Light (Common Interest-Religion & Spirituality) You created a new group: Earth (Georgraphy-Places) You created a new group: Garden Of Eden (Geography-Neighbourhoods) You and Adam are now friends. Adam wrote on your wall: "Hiiiii, hows it hangin?" Adam wrote on your wall: "Kind of lonely. Maybe make something I can stick this thing between my legs in? I think I want to do that" You & Adam are now friends with Eve. Adam & Eve are in a relationship. Adam & Eve joined the group: Garden Of Eden You wrote a note: "Rules for the garden No shirt. No shoes. No sin. No problem. Stay away from the apples, seriously." You created a new album: Fake Dinosaur Fossils(500 photos) Adam commented: Haha, yeah right. like anyone will believe these stupid things existed. The Serpent sent Eve a gift: "A nice juicy apple, ENJOY!" Adam & Eve added the application: Shame Adam & Eve left the group: Garden Of Eden Adam & Eve's relationship is now complicated Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ned Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 Marks And Spencers new advert states that it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S. They're right too. It'd be Chrita. I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B negative. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy. Explosion at our local pie factory. 3.14159265 dead. A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!" She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!" This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quickly! Another beer! It's gonna start any second!" "That's it!" She blows her top. "You b**tard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Oh s**t. It's started." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephanie2008 Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 I love the God facebook one And Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without M&S. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BookJumper Posted November 27, 2009 Share Posted November 27, 2009 Explosion at our local pie factory. 3.14159265 dead. Tee hee. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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