Do you monitor what your children read?

[frankie]

This is a question that has come up for me a few times since I joined the forum and got to read about other people's book habits, and especially since there are members from numerous different cultures: as a parent, do you monitor which (kinds of) books you children read? And if so, how do you go about it? And if you don't, is it because you have not really thought about it or is there some particular reason behind it? 

 

And non-parents: if you had children, do you think you would want to monitor their reading or would you opt not to? 

 

I'm very interested to see how this goes. We of course each have our own thoughts about it, but it'll be interesting to see if coming from a certain culture has anything to do with it. It might but it also might not. 

 

Also: Was your own reading monitored by your parents when you were a child, and what did you think about it / the lack of it? And what are your thoughts on it now?

Edited May 28, 2014 by frankie

[Janet]

My children have never been big readers, sadly.  

 

I did monitor what they read (in that I took an interest and saw what they were reading) but I didn't censor the books which they read.  We have a pretty open relationship and they would talk to me or Peter about things that neither of us would discuss with out parents so I was fairly confident they'd bring up any issues if they had them. 

[Timstar]

And non-parents: if you had children, do you think you would want to monitor their reading or would you opt not to? 

 

They will read what I bloomin' tell 'em to read... and enjoy it! 

 

 

That's how parenting works right..?

Edited May 28, 2014 by Timstar

[Kell]

I kind of do at present as Xan is only 5 yrs old. He chooses his own books from the library that he will read himself, and we choose others together that I read to him. We're working our way through Roald Dahl's works at the moment.

[frankie]

I completely forgot to add: was your own reading monitored when you were a child, and what did you think about it / the lack of it? And what are your thoughts on it now. (I'm adding this to the first post now)

Edited May 28, 2014 by frankie

[emelee]

I have no kids, but if I had, I would just make sure they didn't read anything really inappropriate for their age. But I don't see how young kids would want to read such inappropriate things. I would not forbid them to read anything, but I would have to talk to them about what they read if they were to choose to read, let's say Mein Kampf by Hitler. Or books that can be shocking for young people. I don't think you should ban books because they are about sensitive topics. They will grow up and you can't sheild them forever. Instead, focus on talking about the books and what context they were written in etc. 

 

My mother didn't monitor my reading. But she didn't have to, cause she bought all books for me. She could have easily chosen not to buy a book if she didn't think it was ok. She never did though, cause I never wanted to read anything other than age-appropriate.

[chesilbeach]

I don't have children, so I can only speculate, but I would like to hope that I would check what they were reading, and discuss their book choices with them, but hopefully not censor their reading.  But I'll never be in that position, so who knows what sort of control freak I'd become!  I do have a god daughter, and at seven years old, she loves to read, has a very advanced reading age, and even helps other children in the class with their reading.  I am building up a collection of books I've loved that I hope to share with her as she gets older, but I do worry about when they will be okay for her to read, as not having any children myself, I find it difficult to judge what age range books are suitable for.

 

I don't remember my mum stopping me reading anything when I was a child, or even a teenager, but I was quite self aware, and I don't think I ever picked up anything that wouldn't have been age appropriate or of a sensitive nature.  I've always been quite a scaredy cat, so I would never have ventured into violent crime or horror, and I can't remember anything else I read that I wouldn't have wanted my parents to know about, or would be considered unsuitable or controversial.

 

While I might have been a normal moody teenager, I never really rebelled against my parents, and my friends always said I was the most placid person they knew, so perhaps it's just part of my nature not to rock the boat, and this encompassed my reading choices too.

[Anna Begins]

I did monitor what they read (in that I took an interest and saw what they were reading) but I didn't censor the books which they read.  We have a pretty open relationship and they would talk to me or Peter about things that neither of us would discuss with out parents so I was fairly confident they'd bring up any issues if they had them. 

This is us.  Although my daughter is only 5, she is now into video games and You Tube, Netflix, etc.  She isn't too big of a reader (but I have big plans lol).  We monitor it but we never tell her she can't watch something.  She knows what bad words are and what we do and don't.  She knows what is make believe and isn't scared by it.  So right now, it's zombies.  I really don't care.  This was my view before I became a parent and was the view of my mother as well.  She just trusted me. 

 

They will read what I bloomin' tell 'em to read... and enjoy it! 

 

 

That's how parenting works right..?

[nursenblack]

My little girl can not read yet, but I imagine that I would know exactly what she reads until she goes to middle school (around twelve of thirteen years old).  That was the age that I started reading more serious things besides The Babysiters Club, Sweet Valley, etc.  The school library had a "restricted section" that required students to be fourteen, I think.  Once I was of age, I borrowed whatever I wanted, including Stephen King, and my parents never blinked an eye about anything I brought home.

I'll probably be okay with almost anything she brings home, except maybe erotica or propaganda.

Edited May 28, 2014 by nursenblack

[pontalba]

I didn't have children, but I expect I'd have done as my Mother did with me.  She  knew what I read, at first because she supplied it.   As I grew up I began to choose my own books.  She always knew what I read, but didn't censor me in any way.  By the time I was a teenager, we were reading the same books. 

 

I don't think it's wise to censor children's reading, as they have to live in the world, and need to have defenses against it. 

They have to know how other people think, and those people's beliefs.  Whether we as parents agree or disagree with those beliefs.  Parents can tell a child all day and night what to think, but it won't take root unless we show them why we think that way.  And even then, the children are people with their own ideas, all we can do is give them the weapons with which to face the propagandists, bums and criminals they will eventually come in contact with during their lives. 

[Athena]

This is a very interesting topic .

 

My parents encouraged me to read. They often took me to the library (two libraries in fact)(until I was older and was able / allowed to go on my own to the local one, the other one was in the next town over so too far). I don't think they've ever forbade me to read a book, but I've always borrowed stuff that I was able to understand. I ventured into the adult section of the library once I was 11 or such and remember reading IT when I was 11ish and my mum didn't mind at all, she knew I understood it was fiction (I also still went to the children's/teens section until I'd read all there that I was interested in). I also remember reading some sex scenes in books (in Jean M. Auel's books), I wasn't personally interested in it but I knew how things worked. My parents have always encouraged my love for reading. We were (and are perhaps) the kind of family were instead of just forbidding something, my parents always explained why something wasn't allowed. I (and my siblings) were able to understand it, so I didn't do something that wasn't allowed because I understood the reason behind it. We talked a lot about things.

 

I hope to never have a child or children, and can't really imagine what it must be like to educate a child from baby to adult. I like to think I'd do the same as my parents have done, provided the child understands at least.

 

When my one of my school friends was at my house my mum tried to talk to her the way she talked with me, explaining the reasons behind things but she told me later on that that friend didn't understand it at all (she was less intelligent than me). So I guess this certainly isn't an option for all children.

 

I'd certainly encourage children to read. I hope to be an aunt some day if or when one or both of my siblings have a child or children (if they want them of course, but I think they both hope to have children some day).

Edited May 29, 2014 by Athena

[Nollaig]

Great topic! As a child, I don't think my reading was monitored in any way. I think when I was still in single digits my mother very much tried to find age-appropriate books, moreso related to actual capability as opposed to content. She always brought home brilliant books - thinking about it now, she was actually wonderful like that, she introduced me to the library, regularly brought me home books or brought me to get some, and she'd read the blurbs on books to find ones she thought I'd enjoy. But I certainly never experienced any cases of picking up a book I wanted and being told I couldn't have it - I read Jaws, The Godfather, Sleepers (by Lorenzo Carcaterra), Primal Fear etc when I was 12-15, at which point I was also reading Wuthering Heights and Freud's Interpretation of Dreams. I suppose those kinds of books aren't the usual fare for a kid of that age but I read em anyway.

 

As for me, I'd take the same attitude with my kids (if I ever had any) as my mum did with me. Beyond finding books appropriate to their skill level, I wouldn't censor what they read in any way. I would however give them lots of my childhood favourites!!

[chesilbeach]

It's interesting to see some of you say your parents bought books for you.  I picked my own books from as far back as I can remember.  One of my earliest memories is my first visit to the dentist at four or five years old, and my treat for being a good girl was to choose a present at the shops and I picked a book, and I think from then on, whether at the library or at the shops, I chose my own books.  Even books as presents for birthdays and Christmas, were mostly based on other books I was reading, e.g. the next Famous Five book, or the new book by an author I'd recently read, but mostly I would have been given book tokens to choose my own.

 

But then, I don't ever remember my mum or dad reading to me as once Mum had taught me to read (long before I started school), I preferred reading the books myself apparently, and I think she was happy to let me choose the books I wanted to read from then on.

[pontalba]

I'd suppose that most, me at least, had books bought "for" us as children because we didn't have money. The books were my choice, just not paid for by myself.

 

Every Christmas and birthday meant a box of books for me though. . Mostly they were continuations of the many series I was reading at the time.

[ian]

I don't think I ever had my books vetted before I read them as a child. It's not something that I tend to do - my son is 12, so I would be more concerned about his reading, if I could get him to read much! He isn't a big reader, but what he does read is normally stuff from the school library. I've made the assumption that the book there are all age appropriate. Basically, I'm just happy to see him read at all instead of being stuck on the x-box all day. My daughter is 9 and reads a lot more - she just never seems to finish a book! It hasn't been an issue yet with her as most of what she reads passes through me first by default anyway as I am either buying it or going to the library with her.

[Peacefield]

My mom started taking me to the library at a very young age, and any books I brought home were from the children's section.  When I was a young teen I read a lot of Sweet Valley High and other 'teen romance' books and my parents didn't object, just happy to see I was still a big reader.  I, like Chesil, didn't really want to rock the boat and since I knew my parents were semi-strict (or 'old fashioned' as I would tell them ), I would stick with the books I knew they wouldn't mind me reading.

 

Once I was in high school I read a lot of Stephen King and other horror books.  Never during my reading years at home did my parents scrutinize my books or tell me I couldn't read them, and this is probably because they just knew I was a good kid and wouldn't want to do anything they wouldn't like.  I do remember my mom mentioning that she heard of a book kids were reading called 'Forever' (Judy Blume) and thought it was horrible there was a book out there about pre-marital sex.  Of course after she told me she didn't want me to read it, but by then I was curious so I had to sneak a copy and see what all the fuss was about!

 

My sister is REALLY hands-on when it comes to her teens' reading and movie-watching.  She even goes to websites that have ratings and descriptions of everything.  My nieces tell me she's too strict and I don't think that's the right approach, but I'm not an expert since I don't have kids and won't have any in the future.  If I were a parent though, I'd probably monitor when my child was young, but then educate them as they got older on all the exciting and interesting reads out there and focus on the positives rather then censor the books I'd rather not see them read.

[SaraPepparkaka]

I don't remember anyone ever telling me I couldn't read a book that I wanted to read. I know I was 12 when I read my first Stephen King. One of my sons is 12 now, occasionally I pick books from my shelf for him if he complains he doesn't have anything to read. But you know, what Mum reads is automatically "not cool" so it doesn't always work.. haven't tried giving him Stephen King yet, though. Maybe I should.  

[Kell]

I was never aware of my Mum monitoring my reading material, but I'm sure that, to a point, she had a hand in guiding me towards material she felt was age appropriate. I must add, however, that I have supremely cool parents and I was allowed to watch Hammer Horror films from around the age of 6 or 7 (as a result, I attempted to rewrite Frankenstein when I was 7 years old), and my reading age was years ahead of my actual age, so I don't suppose there was much my Mum would have objected to my reading. I'm not saying I would have been allowed to read A Clockwork Orange before my teens, but I had certainly read the likes of Animal Farm before I was in secondary school.

 

I will let my children read anything I feel they are capable of understanding and will let them know they can always come to me with questions if something confuses them.

 

Xan and I have just started keeping a book journal together, of all the chapter books we read together. It encourages him to think about the books we read and to write about them, and it's something to look forward to doing together each time we finish a book. It will be a nice thing to look back on when he's older too. I'll do the same with Josh when he's a little older.

[frankie]

Thanks for the numerous replies, it's been really interesting to read all your replies. It seems like most of us have been able to choose whichever books we wanted to read, without our parents or other adults interfering with our choices. I think I would have expected perhaps a bit of a wider range of 'no monitoring' to 'some monitoring' (although probably not to a 'full-on monitoring').

 

One thing that I started to think about while reading your replies: some of you borrowed books as a kid. So if you wanted to borrow a book from the adult section, was it okay? I think I've spoken to some of you about children and libraries and I think in the UK there are different library cards to kids, and so maybe they are not able to borrow adult books? 

 

And another question: when you went to the library as a kid, did you always go with your parent(s)? 

 

To answer the question myself: my parents have never monitored my reading and for that I'm really grateful. Although I'm not sure if they trusted me to 'handle' all the books I chose to read, or because they didn't really think about it... Because I did read some 'nasty' books as a kid. But I don't think they did me any harm in all honesty. 

 

I was also always going to the library on my own, I spent a lot of time in the local library as a kid and I could've picked up any book I wanted and read it at the library or borrow it and read it at home. I will always remember how I read The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer in the fifth or sixth grade (meaning I was 11-12 years old) and actually most of the girls in our class read the book and it was partly great because we were all watching the show and partly because the book was so naughty! And twisted

 

 

Janet mentioned in her post how she has a close relationship with her kids and she expects they could always come and talk to her about the books they read (although they have grown up now). I think this is how I feel about monitoring what my possible future children will read. I think I would let them read whichever books they wanted, and I wish that if they had any problems with the books, they'd come and talk to me. 

 

I think books are much safer than TV series: with books, if it gets too uncomfortable, you can put down the book and take it back and not read further. With TV series, you get actual visuals and images and it's harder to erase those images than the ones you've created yourself in your imagination. Also, the pause button works a lot slower with the TV than with a book... 

Edited June 17, 2014 by frankie

[Athena]

In the Netherlands, back when I was a child (I don't know about nowadays) I did borrow some adult books from the library. I think that was with my own card, but it's also possible they were on my mum's card. I don't quite remember that. I don't think they minded it, I remember asking them about the missing copy of Dracula and the lady at the counter treated me normally, she made a note of it etc. Unfortunately it never turned up so I didn't read the book (I bought it a while ago but haven't read it yet).

 

I agree that books are much safer. Personally I find it easier to read about something a little disturbing (ie. certain kinds of violence) rather than see it on TV.

[bookmonkey]

The only way my reading was monitored when I was a kid was my mum telling me to stop.  I was always getting into trouble because I'd get so caught up in my book I wouldn't hear her calling me.

 

As for my kids, my son doesn't read.  He used to read a lot, until he was about 11.  He's 17 now.  My daughter is 15.  She went through a period of not reading for the last three or four years and has just started reading again this year.  I keep an eye on what books she's reading, but I don't censor them.  I know parents who read everything their kids read before they're allowed to read it.  I couldn't do that. For one thing, I'd never get my own books read.  And my kids would immediately turn down something mum's read.

 

I know we went to the library a lot when I was a kid, but I don't remember much about it.  I can't remember if we were allowed to read adults books.  I do remember they were on a completely different floor, so that did make them seem sort of off limits.  At our library now we have different cards for children, teens, and adults.  You can get any book on any card.  Unless it's something with an age restriction like a movie or something, that's the only restriction I know of.

[Kell]

I went to the library with my Mum until I was in my teens (the library was at the other end of the village from where we lived, which was about a mile away), but I always read my Mam's books too and she was well into horror - Stephen King, Richard Layman, Dean R Koontz, etc - as well as classics and a whole host of others, so she already knew I read those by that time (in fact, she used to recommend some of them to me - Lightning by Dean R Koontz is still one of my favourite books, recommended to me when I was about 13 or 14 by my Mam!). Although my parents were quite strict in many ways, in other areas they were incredibly liberal and reading and movies were two areas where I was pretty much allowed to do whatever I wanted.

 

Not reading related, but indicative of how cool my Mam is, when I was 15 years old, Channel 4 ran a "banned season" and one of the films they showed was Life of Brian (Monty Python film which features full frontal male and female nudity, blasphemy and lots of swearing - it is incredibly clever and funny!). She came up to my bedroom (where I was reading late into the night, as usual) and said, "Come down and watch this film - it's a brilliant one and I think you'll really enjoy it!" We sat and watched it together and hooted with laughter.

 

I remember there was a time when a battered copy of Forever by Judy Blume was doing the rounds at school (I must have been about 13 or 14 years old at the time) and everyone was giggling and reading it in secret before passing it on to someone else. (It features a girl losing her virginity to her boyfriend - she's about 17 years old, if I remember correctly) I didn't see what all the fuss was about - I'd already read it - my Mam had already bought it for me a while back along with a whole bunch of other Judy Blumes. I think I'd read them all multiple times by the time I was 12! So I guess, if the library had ever said I couldn't take out a book I wanted, I daresay my Mam would have gone up there and told them I was allowed to read whatever I wanted, or at least would have gt it out on her card for me (probably the former, as she's very outspoken and forthright!).

 

It wasn't just fiction either - I have followed my Mam in my love of true crime and, like her, I have a fascination with Jack the Ripper. There were always numerous true crime books, some with very graphic pictures and descriptions, on our bookshelves, and I read them all.

 

I am forever grateful for my cool parents and hope when my own kids get asked a question like this, they'll be able to give a similar answer.

[julie]

I read whatever I wanted as a kid . My parents had no interest at all in books and thought they were a waste of time . They demanded good grades in school and nothing lower than an A was acceptable, so I was allowed to read if it pertained to school ,but nagged at for reading anything else. I did anyhow, so I didn't care if they liked it or not . Our library was on the way home from school ,so I stopped there to check out my own books .

When we had kids, I encouraged them to read and thought it was fun taking them to the library to pick out huge stacks of books. I never policed what they read, and as they got older, I recommended books to them that I had enjoyed .

I don't think it's good to be too strict  with your kids or they will rebel or go behind your back to do the things you say are off limits .Reading should be an individual choice .

As long as people are READING  , who cares WHAT they read ? It's their business .

[bookmonkey]

 

As long as people are READING  , who cares WHAT they read ? It's their business .

I agree Julie.  When I was a kid comics were considered bad, and I know kids at my schools were told off for reading them and told to read 'proper books.'  That's changed now, and comics are accepted as books.  I'd be happy if my son read comic books, as long as he's reading something.

[willoyd]

I think there's a whole world of difference between monitoring a child's reading, and censoring or controlling it. Yes, we definitely did monitor our son's reading all the way through childhood, but much of that was to simply know and understand what he was reading, how his reading was progressing, learn from his choices and interests, and be able to discuss his books with him when he chose. All three of us being keen readers, there was always quite a lot of conversation around the topic of books and reading! I can't ever recall having to guide him away from a book, and would only have ever done so if I really thought it might do harm. His tastes rather varied from mine at a similar age, and it was fun comparing notes: I found his reading often influenced mine, and at least one of my all-time favourites resulted from his recommendation as a young teenager. Now in his mid-twenties, he's no longer such an avid reader, but still has splurges (for instance he started off his summer vac last year by reading Les Miserables!)

In my teacher role, I find that most parents monitor, and some do try to control more closely than I did, usually with the best of intentions even if I don't agree with their ideas at times, the most common one being that reading doesn't count unless it's novels: I've often had to work on persuading parents that non-fiction is just as good for reading development as fiction, although I do believe that stories are important (but stories can be true!). That teacher experience has also led to me feel quite strongly that children who grow up with parents who have read with them or told them stories do on the whole make better readers - that modelling is vital. Equally, I firmly believe that pushing reading too early is damaging, and that it's important children have time and space to enjoy books at their own level for their own sake even if (especially if!) they are easier than the standard they can read to - as people who enjoy reading some of us might be surprised at how many parents treat the level of books that children read at and the speed at which they learn as some sort of status competition. I certainly was!

Edited June 21, 2014 by willoyd